Anyone else find NC more difficult over the weekends

[SleekArchitecture]

I have been feeling positive and self assured this week and then the weekend hits. This is the second weekend since I broke up with the ex and enforced strict NC with blocking while enforcing strict boundaries and consequences for if he ever contacts me again. (Although, I would never really go through with consequences, but he cannot be assured of that.)

 

I have a giant project that I am in the middle of that keeps me busy and yoga, but last weekend and this one I feel dread and anxiety. Has anyone else felt dread during certain periods or is this to expected in initial phases when you made sure the affair was broken and there was no going back?

 

 

Before, I always left a little room open.

[Eagle's-bargain]

I have a giant project that I am in the middle of that keeps me busy and yoga, but last weekend and this one I feel dread and anxiety.

 

Has anyone else felt dread during certain periods or is this to expected in initial phases when you made sure the affair was broken and there was no going back?

 

 

Before, I always left a little room open.

 

I've noticed that a good number of women, and some men, after heartbreak/NC tend to invest a serious amount of time into work and physical activities (sports, yoga, running, etc). It doesn't surprise me you're busy with work and yoga.

 

I know why people do it. They do it because they need the distraction. Working out in my opinion is no different than taking drugs, it makes you too tired or gives you that euphoric feeling of accomplishment. BUT, it doesn't actually solve any emotional problems you may be feeling.

 

Yes there are people who keep themselves busy with work and working out until they forget the AP or xBF/GF, xW/xH, dead dog, etc, but again in my opinion it's a band-aid*: not a solution.

 

My unprofessional experience and advice is to reconnect with your friends or family in a meaningful way. Don't use them because you're lonely and need a distraction, use them because you love them and they love you too.

 

And never buy a small dog or pet while you're feeling depressed.

[SleekArchitecture]

I've noticed that a good number of women, and some men, after heartbreak/NC tend to invest a serious amount of time into work and physical activities (sports, yoga, running, etc). It doesn't surprise me you're busy with work and yoga.

 

I know why people do it. They do it because they need the distraction. Working out in my opinion is no different than taking drugs, it makes you too tired or gives you that euphoric feeling of accomplishment. BUT, it doesn't actually solve any emotional problems you may be feeling.

 

Yes there are people who keep themselves busy with work and working out until they forget the AP or xBF/GF, xW/xH, dead dog, etc, but again in my opinion it's a band-aid*: not a solution.

 

My unprofessional experience and advice is to reconnect with your friends or family in a meaningful way. Don't use them because you're lonely and need a distraction, use them because you love them and they love you too.

 

And never buy a small dog or pet while you're feeling depressed.

 

Staying fit is definitely not because of him, it is a lifestyle, and it helps to relieve stress and releases feel good chemicals. I have a huge renovation project which sort of keeps the thoughts at bay.

 

I am not depressed. I do not think I am. I could be but I do not feel down, just shaky, I feel dread, dreadful.

 

No dogs, I do not need that type of busy maintenance at this time. No way, thinking about that makes me feel more anxious.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Staying fit is definitely not because of him, it is a lifestyle, and it helps to relieve stress and releases feel good chemicals.

I'm not saying you are doing this, but some people double-down on working out after a heartbreak. Or even with a death.

As I said, it may relieve stress, but so does a joint and/or a beer(s). In my case, loud music and great conversation have always kept the dreadful feelings away, or better than the beer and long walks on the beach.

 

 

I have a huge renovation project which sort of keeps the thoughts at bay.

 

I am not depressed. I do not think I am. I could be but I do not feel down, just shaky, I feel dread, dreadful.

 

No dogs, I do not need that type of busy maintenance at this time. No way, thinking about that makes me feel more anxious.

 

Congrats on not buying a small dog.

[Ronnie33]

The week is difficult because that's when we always talked and saw eachother. The weekends we never did but I would always imagine what they were doing together. That's why I deleted him from my facebook months ago, easier not to look.

[Hope Shimmers]

I know why people do it. They do it because they need the distraction. Working out in my opinion is no different than taking drugs, it makes you too tired or gives you that euphoric feeling of accomplishment. BUT, it doesn't actually solve any emotional problems you may be feeling.

 

Yes there are people who keep themselves busy with work and working out until they forget the AP or xBF/GF, xW/xH, dead dog, etc, but again in my opinion it's a band-aid*: not a solution.

 

I respectfully disagree. Of course it's not a 'solution' per se, but exercise/physical activity has been proven to positively affect emotions. Exercise increases serotonin levels in the brain, just like SSRIs/antidepressant medications do. So it's more than just a way to relieve stress.

 

And taking 'drugs' as you say (I assume you mean antidepressants) can have a very positive effect for people who are clinically depressed. They saved my life.

[Hope Shimmers]

It's hard to break habits. So yes, the weekends were always hardest for me too.

[Eagle's-bargain]

I respectfully disagree. Of course it's not a 'solution' per se, but exercise/physical activity has been proven to positively affect emotions. Exercise increases serotonin levels in the brain, just like SSRIs/antidepressant medications do. So it's more than just a way to relieve stress.

 

And taking 'drugs' as you say (I assume you mean antidepressants) can have a very positive effect for people who are clinically depressed. They saved my life.

 

I was talking about smokin' a doob or having a beer. I don't part take in the former.

 

And that's exactly my point. These things (working out, SSRIs, beer, etc) affect the brain chemistry in a way that creates the illusion that a "problem" has been solved.*

These are band-aids or "boosters" to get someone out of a rut.

If someone actually has a mental condition, they should consult a medical professional before quitting medication.

 

*Damage from an affair is much more than just mental.

 

I don't care if working out has a "positive" effect on someone or not, the point I'm trying to make is that it can be used as an escape since it doesn't actually resolve anything.

 

In my opinion, these things help a person escape,

but at some point they need to come full circle after they are mentally ready to tackle the issue and move on.

Edited March 21, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain

[Southern Sun]

I assume weekends are tough for you because you are busy during the workweek? I get it. Since my affair was at work, I actually had to quit my job and am now in the process of going back to school. I have a LOT of extra time on my hands in general. And when things really slow down (like my school's spring break, or the epic snow we've had), I have felt downright crazy.

 

The one thing this has shown me is that I really used exMM to "fill me up". He was my distraction, he used up all my thoughts and energy. Thinking of him, my time with him, planning for the next time, even the negative stuff - it was my entertainment. It all but disappeared after D-Day, and then when we officially said goodbye and went total NC, I entered a big black hole. I came to realize how much of myself I had given to him. I wonder what in the heck I even thought about prior to all this.

 

I am taking it back. I am really so done with it.

[Ronnie33]

I assume weekends are tough for you because you are busy during the workweek? I get it. Since my affair was at work, I actually had to quit my job and am now in the process of going back to school. I have a LOT of extra time on my hands in general. And when things really slow down (like my school's spring break, or the epic snow we've had), I have felt downright crazy.

 

The one thing this has shown me is that I really used exMM to "fill me up". He was my distraction, he used up all my thoughts and energy. Thinking of him, my time with him, planning for the next time, even the negative stuff - it was my entertainment. It all but disappeared after D-Day, and then when we officially said goodbye and went total NC, I entered a big black hole. I came to realize how much of myself I had given to him. I wonder what in the heck I even thought about prior to all this.

 

I am taking it back. I am really so done with it.

 

This is me^^We met at work, the EA started and then when I left a year later I had so much more time on my hands and he consumed it. I saw him almost everyday, talked all day. Now when we don't talk I don't know what to do because it all became about him. Today I was trying to remember what my life was like before him and I can't, so pathetic.

[Eagle's-bargain]

This is me^^We met at work, the EA started and then when I left a year later I had so much more time on my hands and he consumed it. I saw him almost everyday, talked all day. Now when we don't talk I don't know what to do because it all became about him. Today I was trying to remember what my life was like before him and I can't, so pathetic.

 

Time to reconnect with friends and/or family if it's an option.

It's better to be around friends, playing pool, complaining, whatever, so long as it's together.

 

If not? Well, join a club where people will talk, and often.

It's better if the content is meaningful for you.

[SleekArchitecture]

I was talking about smokin' a doob or having a beer. I don't part take in the former.

 

And that's exactly my point. These things (working out, SSRIs, beer, etc) affect the brain chemistry in a way that creates the illusion that a "problem" has been solved.*

These are band-aids or "boosters" to get someone out of a rut.

If someone actually has a mental condition, they should consult a medical professional before quitting medication.

 

*Damage from an affair is much more than just mental.

 

I don't care if working out has a "positive" effect on someone or not, the point I'm trying to make is that it can be used as an escape since it doesn't actually resolve anything.

 

 

 

In my opinion, these things help a person escape,

but at some point they need to come full circle after they are mentally ready to tackle the issue and move on.

 

I am not sure how else you heal. It is different one person to the other. We have yet to learn exactly how thoughts and memories are exactly processed. We do know about the chemicals that support the highs and the lows.

 

So I have to agree that getting those feel good chemicals elevated regardless if it is naturally or synthetically, it is wise to do so.

 

The alcohol and blunts that you spoke of seems like it is more of a crutch and escape than healthier alternative. Neither one is going to kill you if done in moderation.

[Popsicle]

This will be my first weekend of NC after I broke it off, so I'll let you know.

 

I think I'll be fine though, but this is not our first rodeo, so I have a little experience with it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I was talking about smokin' a doob or having a beer. I don't part take in the former.

 

And that's exactly my point. These things (working out, SSRIs, beer, etc) affect the brain chemistry in a way that creates the illusion that a "problem" has been solved.*

These are band-aids or "boosters" to get someone out of a rut.

If someone actually has a mental condition, they should consult a medical professional before quitting medication.

 

*Damage from an affair is much more than just mental.

 

I don't care if working out has a "positive" effect on someone or not, the point I'm trying to make is that it can be used as an escape since it doesn't actually resolve anything.

 

In my opinion, these things help a person escape,

but at some point they need to come full circle after they are mentally ready to tackle the issue and move on.

 

First of all, clinical depression doesn't necessitate that there be a 'problem that needs to be resolved'. That's where your thinking is way off. You don't understand the concept of clinical depression.

 

Second, in the case of situational depression (which IS clinical depression and very real), what SleekArchitecture said is correct, in that it doesn't matter how you alleviate the depression - just that you do. And that gives you the strength and normalcy that you need in order to deal with life's issues, whatever they may be. So yes, she is dealing directly with the issue by doing what she does.

 

And third, I am a medical professional so I don't need to consult one, but thanks for the disclaimer. Good luck!

[Eagle's-bargain]

The alcohol and blunts that you spoke of seems like it is more of a crutch and escape than healthier alternative. Neither one is going to kill you if done in moderation.

 

I do imbibe, but I don't smoke.

 

The best part about alcohol in my opinion is that, it takes a person down.

This helps when I need to brood over a subject. When I'm done brooding, it's because I'm probably out of alcohol, or I'm no longer under the "influence".

The difference of going down from a high, and going up from a downer does matter.

 

Some people genuinely need a full-blown escape: they need the television, the sports, the extra hours at work, and so on.

 

Others like myself, need to ruminate on what and how things happened.

For me, yes, it took me longer, recovery is different for everyone.

And yes I have my moments, although usually they are rare.

 

I'm just against the idea of getting a "new hair cut" or a new "out-fit" or adding more hours at work, working out, etc to justify recovery from an affair. These things aren't redeeming qualities.

 

Yes, those things will, help some people achieve the mental clarity necessary for recovery; however, it seems to me the shallow people recover faster.

 

Again, these things do help, but they are not solutions, they are treatment (no different than acupuncture in my opinion). If someone can't see this, again in my opinion, it is NOT a healthy alternative.

There are a lot of healthy people, but they truly are suffering from serious mental issues.

Those work-out regimes only go so far, as does excess working.

Again, I'm not against working out, adding more work hours, etc.

 

However, I do think, in regards to your question on weekends...

Well, find a meaningful hobby you can share with other people, ideally over conversation. Join a chess club, or skeet club. Or cooking club.

Learn a foreign language.

Since affairs are serious mental issues, challenging your mental self to grow might help.

Find a non-apathetic nor nihilistic philosopher if all else fails.

 

 

First of all, clinical depression doesn't necessitate that there be a 'problem that needs to be resolved'. That's where your thinking is way off. You don't understand the concept of clinical depression.

 

Second, in the case of situational depression (which IS clinical depression and very real), what SleekArchitecture said is correct, in that it doesn't matter how you alleviate the depression - just that you do. And that gives you the strength and normalcy that you need in order to deal with life's issues, whatever they may be. So yes, she is dealing directly with the issue by doing what she does.

 

And third, I am a medical professional so I don't need to consult one, but thanks for the disclaimer. Good luck!

 

The disclaimer was for others too (including me)

I don't dispute that people need to recover from their issues, but as you said, to "alleviate" the depression is not a cure, even if it helps.

 

I'm looking at this issue in two ways, treatment of the depression and curing the depression.

 

 

My concern is that what gives me "strength" is not a hindrance from creating and maintaining healthy relationships, or rather an escape from trusting again.

Of course I'm trying to look at these issues long term, with a cure in mind.

 

Options to prevent NC from breaking on the weekends?

Netflix, sleep, gardening, visiting a restaurant with a friend, drinking, going to a park?...

Edited March 21, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain

[GoldieLox]

To answer the original question, I find weekends easier, because I'm not at work. That's where he is. Now granted we haven't spoken or even looked at each other in over a month, it still sucks to be in the same vicinity as him

 

And pets can help relieve depression, as long as you're not having feelings of harm to others or the animal.

[Hope Shimmers]

To answer the original question, I find weekends easier, because I'm not at work. That's where he is. Now granted we haven't spoken or even looked at each other in over a month, it still sucks to be in the same vicinity as him

 

And pets can help relieve depression, as long as you're not having feelings of harm to others or the animal.

 

Agreed on that last part. I love my dog Way more loyal than any man I have ever been with.

[sunburned]

I have been feeling positive and self assured this week and then the weekend hits. This is the second weekend since I broke up with the ex and enforced strict NC with blocking while enforcing strict boundaries and consequences for if he ever contacts me again. (Although, I would never really go through with consequences, but he cannot be assured of that.)

 

I have a giant project that I am in the middle of that keeps me busy and yoga, but last weekend and this one I feel dread and anxiety. Has anyone else felt dread during certain periods or is this to expected in initial phases when you made sure the affair was broken and there was no going back?

 

 

Before, I always left a little room open.

 

Weekends were actually easier for me b/c we didn't communicate much then anyway. It was "family" time and we were clearly devoted family people. .

 

But I get your point. When our A ended, the weekday mornings were tough b/c we talked every morning and usually several other times during the day. I was left with big black holes when it ended. As other posters have alluded, I too began to question "what did I do before AP?" I found working out very therapeutic. In fact, I was in good shape heading into my A but in outstanding shape afterward from all the running. It was an outlet for the nervous energy and anxiety that accompanied the end of the A. As HopeShimmers suggested, exercise (aerobic in particular, though nothing wrong with yoga) raises serotonin levels which reduces depression. I loved my so-called runner's high. The optimal amount is 3-4 hours a week. I have been out of the A and NC for 18 months. Sorry to say I've slacked off on the running and put on a few pounds. It almost makes me want to have another A and end it and cycle all over again. NOT!!

 

But nice try, Eagle's Bargain, trying to suggest smoking a doob or getting drunk is somehow a better bet. I wish.

[Josmatjes]

I assume weekends are tough for you because you are busy during the workweek? I get it. Since my affair was at work, I actually had to quit my job and am now in the process of going back to school. I have a LOT of extra time on my hands in general. And when things really slow down (like my school's spring break, or the epic snow we've had), I have felt downright crazy.

 

The one thing this has shown me is that I really used exMM to "fill me up". He was my distraction, he used up all my thoughts and energy. Thinking of him, my time with him, planning for the next time, even the negative stuff - it was my entertainment. It all but disappeared after D-Day, and then when we officially said goodbye and went total NC, I entered a big black hole. I came to realize how much of myself I had given to him. I wonder what in the heck I even thought about prior to all this.

 

I am taking it back. I am really so done with it.

 

Omg, this is me too. My xmm filled up my time immensely...texting, FaceTime, talking, meeting up...when it disappeared I was all but lost. I'm much better now but it was a tough winter with being stuck in. I can't wait for spring to go walking again and gardening and just feeling alive again!

I also cannot remember who I was before him but I'm getting there! You too!,

[aws]

 

And never buy a small dog or pet while you're feeling depressed.

 

What about goldfish? Is it alright to buy pet fish on this occasion? I know someone who swears by having pets to help with loneliness - the friend has hamsters, cats, and tropical fish. She loves animals and is excellent with them but says it does help when suffering with loneliness or relationship problems.

[Eagle's-bargain]

But nice try, Eagle's Bargain, trying to suggest smoking a doob or getting drunk is somehow a better bet. I wish.

 

I never said getting drunk was a better bet.

My intention was to say that people have different outlets.

Some people take anti-depressants, or they take medication for their stress.

Others have a glass of wine after work or a cocktail.

Other people have a drink to enjoy it outside of its medicinal properties.

I'm not advocating drunkenness to maintain NC.

 

Some people have one beer or two (or nine), and the effect is different for everyone.

 

When I was having problems maintaining NC I took to the countryside and would just drive around for an hour.

Other times, I drank.

Most of the time I tried to spend time with family or friends.

 

Some people's distraction comes in television shows, having alcohol, smoking, pets, working out, excess work, and so on.

 

Does maintaining NC on the weekends mean finding an escape or a "healthy" alternative? Surely going for a walk "has" health benefits.

But in my opinion it's still an escape.

 

Agreed on that last part. I love my dog Way more loyal than any man I have ever been with.

emphasis mine

 

That's just... Ugh. Really? You're comparing HUMAN beings to your dog?

 

Pets are loyal because they're property. But that's just my opinion.

 

And pets can help relieve depression, as long as you're not having feelings of harm to others or the animal.

 

What about goldfish?

Is it alright to buy pet fish on this occasion?

 

I'm not disputing that pets don't have benefits. Or that pets are bad.

My intention was to say:

"DO NOT buy a pet until you're ready to be a responsible owner.

A pet is a living creature, not an escape or distraction"

 

I'm totally for finding long term alternatives for maintaining NC so long as they aren't escapes.

For me, drinking was something I liked doing. So I did it a little more often*.

I picked up a few new hobbies that I had failed to attempt for the few years.

Some I liked, whereas some of the others were just distractions (even though they had health benefits).

 

*At one point it got slightly out of hand. And I was abusing my hobby to distract myself. I'm just trying to warn people.

I took up archery at some point. I still like it, but I felt lonely doing it sometimes. Even though I enjoyed the environments where I practiced.

Sometimes thoughts don't go away even though you are doing "healthy" activities.

[SleekArchitecture]

What about goldfish? Is it alright to buy pet fish on this occasion? I know someone who swears by having pets to help with loneliness - the friend has hamsters, cats, and tropical fish. She loves animals and is excellent with them but says it does help when suffering with loneliness or relationship problems.

 

I suppose that is the answer; talking to a fish.

[SleekArchitecture]

Weekends were actually easier for me b/c we didn't communicate much then anyway. It was "family" time and we were clearly devoted family people. .

 

But I get your point. When our A ended, the weekday mornings were tough b/c we talked every morning and usually several other times during the day. I was left with big black holes when it ended. As other posters have alluded, I too began to question "what did I do before AP?" I found working out very therapeutic. In fact, I was in good shape heading into my A but in outstanding shape afterward from all the running. It was an outlet for the nervous energy and anxiety that accompanied the end of the A. As HopeShimmers suggested, exercise (aerobic in particular, though nothing wrong with yoga) raises serotonin levels which reduces depression. I loved my so-called runner's high. The optimal amount is 3-4 hours a week. I have been out of the A and NC for 18 months. Sorry to say I've slacked off on the running and put on a few pounds. It almost makes me want to have another A and end it and cycle all over again. NOT!!

 

But nice try, Eagle's Bargain, trying to suggest smoking a doob or getting drunk is somehow a better bet. I wish.

 

It is power Yoga with many weights. I do understand though, thinking that.

[SleekArchitecture]

I assume weekends are tough for you because you are busy during the workweek? I get it. Since my affair was at work, I actually had to quit my job and am now in the process of going back to school. I have a LOT of extra time on my hands in general. And when things really slow down (like my school's spring break, or the epic snow we've had), I have felt downright crazy.

 

The one thing this has shown me is that I really used exMM to "fill me up". He was my distraction, he used up all my thoughts and energy. Thinking of him, my time with him, planning for the next time, even the negative stuff - it was my entertainment. It all but disappeared after D-Day, and then when we officially said goodbye and went total NC, I entered a big black hole. I came to realize how much of myself I had given to him. I wonder what in the heck I even thought about prior to all this.

 

I am taking it back. I am really so done with it.

 

We spent many weekends together, at least one one day if not two, he was able to stay almost overnight.

[Genieve]

I saw mm every day. We talked always. Twice a Day We met. He'd come late at night to hug me Goodnight sometimes. He was my life. Now I see him every two weeks if I'm lucky. Sundays are worst when I know they'll be playing happy families. They're never alone due to a big family in her side. I don't know why I didn't see this coming. How can you go from 100" to 0 when the feelings are still there. I know he thinks of me but tries to keep busy. How long will the pain go on for? ) - :