We're engaged, I Love her, But i'm afraid her ways will cause probs later....

[pepperland]

Hey guys, This is long, but an EASY read.

 

Been with my girl for almost 6 years now, we met when we were working

together. We're both 26. It's been good, we get along well, I love her a lot, she's

very funny and silly and beautiful and just a great gal. i treat her

good and put a lot of things aside for her, do things for her, almost spoil her. We're

both polite and kind people so we argue but never fight and would never disrespect each other,

(call each other B*tch or a**h*** or anything like that).

 

My prob is, She's very very very very Anti-Social. I'm kinda quiet by nature,

but i push myself to be outgoing and an upstanding Gentleman. I take a chance. Everyone's

got quirks, i know...nobody's perfect. Anyway, She never wants to go out with

my friends. She says she's too scared or too nervous and very un-comfortable,

Even with people she's never met. She won't even go out with me and our friend

from our old job (who she knows just as well as I) and his fiance, because she's

too uncomfortable. She doesn't have many friends (guess why) and never comes

to my shows(i play guitar in a band) because she has no one to come with and

would be uncomfortable around my band mates anyway, even though they've been

cool to her and welcoming.

 

She's also shy and weird around my mom and my family. It almost comes off as rude,

because she's so uncomfortable, she shuts off and will stare at the table at a family

gathering or not say a word, unless spoken to. She's polite, but She doesn't try and have fun

and be social.

 

I'm ALWAYS talking her up and giving her lots of Praise, but it never seems to get thru.

She's great to ME, tells me she loves me all the time, tons of kisses, tons of I LOve You's,

Cooks me dinners (we live together) and all that. But she's just so Anti-Social. Her mom is

the SAME WAY. Depression runs in her family(her mom, her sister)

 

Sometimes she seems to get a little jealous that i have friends and she doesn't, she complains

of being bored sometimes and gets down because she hasn't figured out what she wants to do

for a career, and thinks i'm super talented and know what I want to do, career-wise. I try to encourage her

and praise her, but to no avail.

 

I Don't want her to feel resentment (were engaged to be married) down the road for not chasing her dreams,

and feeling like she gave everything to ME, rather than herself. (we already broke up once

because she felt she needed to 'find herself', but came back because she didn't want to

lose me) At first it didn't bug me, i was sympathetic, i mean, i love her and we do & have Always

done a lot of things together, mainly just the Two Of Us. But Now, it's starting to

bug me. And, well, thinking about our future (marriage, kids) i'm worried we'll have problems.

I feel like she needs to grow up, because she avoids responsibility a lot of the times as well

(late with bills, avoids calling people back, scared to go down to the laundry room in our apt. complex

by herself, etc.)

 

Am I Wrong? Am I being too insensitive?

[Moose]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. It doesn't sound like depression either. Some people just aren't social butterflys. Mrs. Moose is just now coming out of her shell after almost 18 years of marriage. It took a lot of work on my end to be patient with her and gradually get her to open up to people.

 

She needs you to help her out. Go gradually, don't shock her into it.......start with Church, it can't hurt.

[pepperland]

I know she has it in her.

 

She left me a Year and a half ago, to be free, (she had

a lot of work friends) and had a sort of "Wild Streak" and moved

in with 2 other gals, was out all the time, going here, going there

having fun, etc. Then she came back, said she wanted to be with me and

realized, she didn't want to lose me, just to go out and "find herself".

Then she left me AGAIN, same reasons. But when it started to get old the second time,

she came back around and since i love her, I took her back, and 6 months later,

i asked her to marry me.

 

But i don't feel that anything was resolved. We're right back at the

same situation, right before she left me. She has no friends, we live 2 hours

away from her family, Me and Work is all she does ....

 

I just worry it''ll happen again, she'll get bored and leave AND, i feel bad trying to pursue my dreams in

film and editing, leaving her at home by herself, or going to play a show with my

group, leaving her at home, alone, because she doesn't feel comfortable going. I give

her a lot of attention, but since were with each other 24/7 usually, it's also

hard to come up with fun things to do, when we've done everything for the

past 5/6 years.

 

I've tried and i've been supportive and patient, but it's really starting to get

annoying. I'm still attracted to her and I love her, but soemtimes i find myself more attracted to

girls i know who are ambitious, who have drive and know what they want, it's inspiring.

I want us to work, i guess I just want her to change a bit, have more drive, more

ambition to do something, I know she wants to, she just gets Super lazy, she'll admit it too.

But won't do anything about it.

 

I don't know if I can wait 5, 10, 18 years. It may seem shallow, but i'm not trying to be.

[bicyclejunk]

okay man, look.

 

You took her back those two times, so you must see something

really good in her, since you seem to be a level headed guy. She

came back those two times, so she obviously knows, you're a keeper.

 

You need to have a sit-down and talk with her, tell her your concerns

and just keep on doing what your doing. Do your thang, follow your dreams,

but take care of your girl's needs too. If she doesn't want to change that's her deal,

but show her you care and give it a good hard try, and help her thru some

of these so-called fears she has. Try shaking her of those lazy daze she's got goin

on.

 

You shouldn't feel bad about following your dreams, but don't forget your role as

a partner in that relationship. Make sure you ask her and cover yourself by checking

to see if she'd like to join you at friend outtings or to your performances. Tell her to

bring a friend from work.

 

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER, she has to change herself. You can only be there to influence

her and help her out. If you try really hard and follow your dreams and in a year, it's still not

working out or your unhappy, then you can acess the situation then. Don't give up without a

fight.

[katie79]

my sister has the same problem. Her hubby is that way too, but everyone is offended by him because he comes off as rude.

Opposites attract, what can I say?

Maybe she should see a doc for meds and therapy. That can affect all aspects in her life aside from your love life with her, such as work.

I feel for her, being intimidated by people or crowds is not easy to overcome.

I know Paxil can help.

Good luck.

[billybadass36]

You should not medicate or counsel somebody for being introverted. It's a personality trait, not a mental condition. She is who she is. If you think she'd have a fuller life by getting out more, encourage her to do so, but by no means is she anything other than an introvert or perhaps a highly sensitive person.

[pepperland]

Well....on the topic of meds...

 

her sister is on Paxil for depression and her Dad is on Paxil for anxiety. Her

mom is very up and down too, depressed a lot kind of ecentric at times.

 

My gal seems like she's the exception of her family, but she Can get very

shy and has a very LOW self-esteem. She doesn't believe in herself. I deal with the same

fears, but I TRY, I TRY to overcome them, let's just say, she doesn't give me much

encouragement.

 

BUT GET THIS.... when she's in My company, she is super Loud and Silly and Laughs out

loud, which are some of the things i LOVE about her. But when she's around my family (who love her)

or she's around my mom(my mom loves her) or around my friends(they dig her too, just don't

see enough of her cuz she never wants to go out with me) She clams up and looks down at the

ground, and I understand why, but it just comes off as rude and I just wish she'd TRY to have a good time.

 

[color=blue]Let's put it this way(then i'll end this long note)......[/color]

 

I deal with a lot of "I can't go to your show, you're friends hate me" or "I can't go I look ugly" or "Do you

still love me, even though i look like crap?"..... She's totally gorgeous and part of her Knows that she is, she

knows, she just lacks so much Confidence and Self-worth.

 

I'll stand by her though, i love her so, i guess it'll just be a labour of love. I mean, I've put up with it

for the last 6 years, what should stop me now?

[girly]

Eeps...pepperland....your girl sounds just like me. It's spooky. Wow.

 

Anyways, I feel just like that...not many friends, super shy around everyone but him, I want to be the fun outgoing girl that has lots of friends and can talk to people when I go out, but its hard. I have been this way for a long time too.

 

My guy broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, mostly because of my insecurities, and he felt like we just kept going around in circles with arguments. I kept trying to change but it is a really hard thing to do.....just start talking to people....for me it is anyways.

 

I always felt like his friends and family didn't really like me, but in the last few weeks I've seen that they really did care. They've been really supportive of me in this whole thing and that helps immensely. I've been working on myself so hard in the last month, and I truly believe that I've come a long way since we broke up. I think that if we ever have a chance to get back together, things could be great.

 

I know what helped me feel more comfortable the most in social situations with his friends...was if they made the effort to include me....and initiate a conversation with me. So, maybe if your friends and family can just make a little extra effort to make her feel special and included, she'll be more inclined to come out with you to social things. It doesn't even have to be much...if they just showed a little extra interest in her...just an extra question of two about herself...and, really, they might be already...sometimes it's hard to see that if you're really shy and already thinking that they don't like you to begin with.

 

Anyways, I'm not sure that came across too well, but maybe it can be of some help to you....I hope things work out for you.

[SadAndLonely]

A friend of mine is like this, and he suffers from social anxiety disorder. Some people ARE just naturally introverted, but if it seriously affects the way you live, it COULD be a mental disorder.

[noname]

i would like to change the subject a little. rather than try to diagnose and "cure" her, i think that a more important issue is for you to examine yourself. before you commit yourself, you need to evaluate whether or not this is something that you a willing to deal with for the long haul.

 

you have to focus on yourself. i am sure that you have spent time in this relationship just putting up with it. trying to be understanding, and hoping that (and probably with the understanding that) it will eventually change. that eventually she (with your help) will get over it.

 

before you go any further, you need to face reality. she may never change. is this fine for you? will you be able to work with that? suppose it doesn't get any better. you need to come to terms and decide if that is something that you will be able to work with. if you don't, you may be setting yourself up for a lot of frustration and resent.

 

if you are able to say to yourself whole heartedly that if she remains the same forever you will be able to deal with it, then handle your business. if not, then i suggest you start sitting her down and explaining to her your feelings because if she seriously wants to make this relationship work and sees how much it bothers you, she may be able to try and compromise a little...

[sarah12]

I have a friend who's current girlfriend is just like yours. They have been together forever but not living together nor engaged. To be honest, I think they are best off parting ways, because like someone said, you can never bank on someone else changing. Yes, people do change over time, but they won't necessarily change for the better, and so they won't change the way you would like them to. Like somebody else said, this is a personality trait of hers, and it's not something that is fixed overnight.

 

Think about it, this woman is going to be your partner in life, do you want to spend the next 45 years with somebody who can only be consumed with you but cannot be a part of the rest of your life? (i.e. parents, friends, bandmates, workmates, etc.) You will be thrown into a multitude of social events (if you don't want to be a boring stay-at-home-and-watch-tv couple) that include familiy members and close friends, who are almost as much a part of your life as your girl is. Do you want it to be awkward every time? Do you want her to come off as disrespectful to your family and friends?? Most importantly, do you want this woman to teach your children to be the same way?

 

I'll stand by her though, i love her so, i guess it'll just be a labour of love. I mean, I've put up with it

for the last 6 years, what should stop me now?

 

If you are getting annoyed by it now, this will probably frustrate you and everybody else in your life even more sometime down the road. I won't lie, the mutual friends I have with this friend don't like his girlfriend and neither does his family. He gets frustrated a lot with her unwillingness to be social with the rest of his life, especially with the family, and I can definitely see why. To the rest of us, she's a nice girl but rude (because of her inability to acknowledge people when she sees them) and she is extremely boring.

[XNemesisX]

She sounds a bit like the way I was when I was with my ex. BUT it wasn't that I was scared or intimidated to be around his friends or family, it was because I KNEW they didn't like me because my ex would run and bad mouth me to them every time we got in a fight. He told them all every little detail so it made me not want to be around them. Also, when I was around his friends I DID stay annoyed because they acted like a bunch of idiotic jackasses. I never pretended to like them, even to their faces.

 

Also, I think that sometimes when you get in a relationship you can become anti-social. Pre-ex, I was VERY outgoing and loved being around people so I know I am not a born introvert. I did become that way after I got in my relationship. It bugged my ex, but I blame him for the anti-social ways that I had. I hated his friends, yes, but I also wouldn't be around people that he lied about me to or that helped set him up with people to cheat on me with, or that would push drugs on him every time they got around him. To be honest, I would still like to beat the shyt out of a few of his friends but that's another story....

 

Anyway, could any of these factors apply to your situation? Have you discussed your relationship with these people and does she know that? Could that be where her discomfort comes from?

 

I doubt it is a mental disorder....

[Social Scardy]

She sounds like me. I COMPLETELY understand the feeling uncomfortable in social situations. I have a pretty low self esteem although if I was to look at myself objectively I know I am actually a pretty impressive person, I just don't feel that way.

 

Anyway, what to do to help. Start with going out with that couple you mentioned earlier. I know that when I'm in a social situation I feel like I don't have anything to offer to the conversation, but the truth is, everyone wants to be included. An easy way for your gf to feel part of the conversation is for her to ask questions. But for us social scardy cats this is even hard. Solution? Tell your gf some stuff about the fiance and prep her with some ready made questions before you go out. That way she will have them on reserve when she doesn't feel like she doesn't have anything to say. She will probably feel a bit more impowered and a bit less nervous if she has a safety net.

 

Number 2. There is SOME subject that your girl knows lots about. Start a conversation about that subject. She probably won't interject into the conversation, so don't expect it. BUT, once the conversation gets started, YOU ask her direct questions about the topic. Have mor than one handy because you should expect the first couple answers to be one sentence answers. To make her feel even more comfortable, talk about this before you go out so she can think about what she wants to say. The more she feels like she is part of the group instead of a third or fourth wheel the more comfortable she will become, and the less often you will have to think of stuff ahead of time for her to talk about. Keep doing things with this couple until she feels comfortable around them, even to the point of initiating conversation. Then have gf come with friend's fiance to one of your shows. Your gf can talk about you and an easy topic the upcoming wedding of your friend.

 

Hope this helps!!

[amy1975]

I was rather anti-social-my situation had been "who needs enemies with friends like these" and so i didn't place much value on 'friendship". Now my hubby is more extroverted than I, and I myself hated a few of his friends. In the end i was like "look YOU go out and have a good time. I don't want to go out, or even speak to anyone. I'd rather read." And so he did. I wasn't going to expect him to be anti-social like myself.

 

he accepted me for who I was, but I always encouraged him to go out without me. I really didn't care.

 

Eventually, i became less anti-social, and now we socialize whenever we can.

 

But honestly, i never had anything weird with his family, even though my mother in law drives me crazy.

[Melz3]

Your story sound identical to mine. I am in a similiar situation. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I adore the time that we spend together. we have been together for over 3 years and recently buy a house together.

 

The problem is he is extremely unsocialable. We tried seeking help, but in the end he do not want to admit that he have a problem, therefore the help is useless.

 

I am at wit's end. It is not the anti social side that bothers me, it is the fact that he make me feel terrible when i go out and do things. I guess ultimately I want for him to share that part of my life. I do not feel like a whole person with only me and him in the world.

 

I know I sound extremely cynical and unsympathic here, but I am so angry sometimes.....it is not healthy!

[Mary3]

Without trying to diagnose your fiance , have you considered the possibility that she might have Panic Attack Disorder and does not like to go out in public very much ?

 

She may also have an introverted nature ( such as myself ) who prefers fewer people and is self entertained.

 

But either way , 6 years is going to turn into 6 more years ...and 6 more after that...so the question is : If this is bugging you in 2005 is it going to bother you in 2011 ?

 

I strongly urge you to take a break , get her some counseling... and afterall...if you think about it.: If you love her , marraige can wait while she gets help.

 

She will still be there for you in the future if she loves you.

[witabix]

Her ways will cause you problems down the way. Because they are causing you problems now. What you need to see is that not everyone fits in with a particular social type. Some people are loud and opinionated some are painfully shy. Shyness often comes across as rudeness, I know I tend to not like shy people, they make me feel unfomfortable for some reason.

 

However you must be seeing/have seen something you like in this girl. I would echo the phrase that you cannot change her, she must change herself if thats what she wants to do. It sounds like you are trying coax a scared kitten out from under the sofa. My advice is let her be, let her decide if she wants to peep out from under the sofa, medicating is not the answer! Be relaxed, enjoy yourself, if she sees you are happy and enjoying yourself she may wish to join in, or she may just prefer to be unhappy with the way she is.

 

If so ask yourself this question:-

"What is her payoff for this behaviour?"

I would guess that a lot of the answers to this question are rooted in her family life, your description of the problems her parents/siblings have seem to point to a lot of learned behaviours that would stunt inter-personal skill development. Imagine what her development would have been like living in a house with people who exhibit these problems, don't pressure her it will make her more unhappy. Continue to give praise/support but do it passively and most importantly do it truthfully from your heart, even people with no inter-personal skills can spot resentment or worse people who are faking concern. If you don't mean it don't say it, and don't blame her for what is happening to her. She has probably learned to be like this and it will take time to unlearn these behaviours if she really wants to. You must ask yourself if you are prepared to put in the effort and accept the inevitable difficulties that this will bring you. Ask the above question of yourself too, what is your payoff for going through what you are going through?