Robot_heart Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 6 months now and he is the most jealous person I have ever met. He takes jealousy to a level that I can not even believe. When we are together he is very sweet buys me flowers, takes me out often, and is very affectionate. This is wonderful and we have a great time together.... The problems come when we are not around each other like when we are at work. He calls me multiple times a day even when I'm busy and if I don't answer he makes comments like "were you to busy talking to your other boyfriend?" He sometimes drives to my work to see me and says that he had a feeling I was texting someone else. At first I just laughed and would show him the phone proving that I wasn't... He has asked to look through my pictures on my phone and after seeing some selfies that I had taken asked who I was taking them for. I am starting to loose my temper at the comments. Tonight he found a hair on my clothes and started asking who I was so close to that their hair was on me. This really set me off... I lost my temper and screamed at him to leave my house. He got all upset and said that I'm crazy. I tried to explain that I can only take so much of these insane comments. He tries to back track and say he never accuses me of anything. The situation is causing me to loose my mind a bit. I've met his family and they are a big group of people and very intimidating and I get this uncomfortable feeling that if I try to break up with him he will make them all think I was doing the things that he accused me of..... I guess my question is does this whole jealousy thing ever go away? A little background info on him his last long term relationship was with s girl who cheated and left him for a higher paid IT guy. I really like this guy but I'm terrified that the jealousy is going to progress. Oh and one more thing that made me highly uncomfortable I let him stay the night with me and went to work the next day earlier than him, he went through my iPad the next morning and read emails 3 years old where I was talking about dating other men. I've never had my privacy invaded like that and was shocked and upset that he did that to me. I feel trapped..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 You are not trapped. Dump him & move on. He violated your privacy. He had no right to go through your ipad. he's insane. Get rid of him. Next. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I agree with d0nnivain, but also think you should invite me as a guest to your burning man camp? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I've been dating a guy for 6 months now and he is the most jealous person I have ever met. He takes jealousy to a level that I can not even believe. When we are together he is very sweet buys me flowers, takes me out often, and is very affectionate. This is wonderful and we have a great time together.... The problems come when we are not around each other like when we are at work. He calls me multiple times a day even when I'm busy and if I don't answer he makes comments like "were you to busy talking to your other boyfriend?" He sometimes drives to my work to see me and says that he had a feeling I was texting someone else. At first I just laughed and would show him the phone proving that I wasn't... He has asked to look through my pictures on my phone and after seeing some selfies that I had taken asked who I was taking them for. I am starting to loose my temper at the comments. Tonight he found a hair on my clothes and started asking who I was so close to that their hair was on me. This really set me off... I lost my temper and screamed at him to leave my house. He got all upset and said that I'm crazy. I tried to explain that I can only take so much of these insane comments. He tries to back track and say he never accuses me of anything. The situation is causing me to loose my mind a bit. I've met his family and they are a big group of people and very intimidating and I get this uncomfortable feeling that if I try to break up with him he will make them all think I was doing the things that he accused me of..... I guess my question is does this whole jealousy thing ever go away? A little background info on him his last long term relationship was with s girl who cheated and left him for a higher paid IT guy. I really like this guy but I'm terrified that the jealousy is going to progress. Oh and one more thing that made me highly uncomfortable I let him stay the night with me and went to work the next day earlier than him, he went through my iPad the next morning and read emails 3 years old where I was talking about dating other men. I've never had my privacy invaded like that and was shocked and upset that he did that to me. I feel trapped..... Nope. It gets worse. Much worse. What you're seeing is only the tip of the iceberg. Think about it: only six months and he's already displaying very disturbing behaviour? Very, very bad sign. Get away from this guy and fast. You are most certainly not trapped, and you have the freedom to end this. He isn't going to get better, OP. Please take it from someone who stayed way too long in a similar situation and I regret it very much. It got very bad for me. And a small word to the wise: these guys are often the same ones sneaking around on you behind your back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robot_heart Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Is this some sort of mental disorder? I have never dealt with someone so jealous especially when there is no need for it. It feels as if he's always questioning every move I make and accusing me of doing the opposite as I say. Sometimes the line of questions lasts so long it's as if he is trying to force me to admit to something I didn't even due. Like a torture tactic... After I get so frustrated with him he apologizes and says it's because he cares for me so much he doesn't want to get hurt by me. I tend to feel pitty for him. No I am not trapped I'm just trying to understand this personality malfunction... And yes burning man is great 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Is this some sort of mental disorder? I have never dealt with someone so jealous especially when there is no need for it. It feels as if he's always questioning every move I make and accusing me of doing the opposite as I say. Sometimes the line of questions lasts so long it's as if he is trying to force me to admit to something I didn't even due. Like a torture tactic... After I get so frustrated with him he apologizes and says it's because he cares for me so much he doesn't want to get hurt by me. I tend to feel pitty for him. No I am not trapped I'm just trying to understand this personality malfunction... And yes burning man is great It could be a sign of a mental illness. Honestly, it doesn't matter. If he's not doing anything to address HIS problem, it won't make a damn difference because it will make your life a living hell. And please don't be foolish enough to belive he's doing it because he cares. That's a huge pile of manipulative horse crap. It's a control tactic and it's emotional abuse. This man does not deserve your pity. He's an abuser. Might not be physical yet, but it could very well go that way. Please take it from someone who's been in your shoes and knows how torturous this feels. Please PM me if you want to chat more. Take care of yourself. He's NOT boyfriend material. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Robot It is obvious whatever happened to him in his last relationship break up has had a profound impact. The way this reads it appears you have given him no reason to be this paranoid and perhaps he should not have become involved seriously with someone so quickly. It does not sound like this is going to get better unless you have a major confrontation about this and either talk it out or break up You would young so not sure if you or he can afford IC but he needs it. Your e mails from three years ago, years before you started dating are perfectly normal . Why would you not be talking about men if you were single at that time. So, the bottom line is if you two are supposed to be exclusive ?, and you are not doing anything you should not be, his behavior is over the top. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Also, OP, be careful about believing his stories how his past relationships caused this jealousy. Yes, there could've been betrayal. But keep in mind this guy is also trying yo manipulate you into thinking he does this because he cares. His version of past events might not be entirely accurate. I happened to run into the ex-gf of my own insanely jealous ex. (After we'd broken up) We got to chatting and she told me he'd actually blamed a different mystery ex for his jealousy, which was not the picture he painted for me. He'd completely blamed this ex I'd run into. He had also not been faithful to her, as I discovered he wasn't faithful to me either. My point is that this level of jealousy, mistrust and emotional disturbances are often deep-rooted problems and NOT the sole result of an unfaithful ex. But these guys don't want to take responsibility for their abusive and harrasing behaviour so they pin it on someone else. And you need to recognize this for what it is: emotional abuse and harassment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Irrational jealousy ruins everything. You get treated like you're the enemy, a person who can't be trusted. It doesn't just go away, and there's no way of working around it. Red flag. Leave by the nearest exit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It can be a mental disorder, but you can't say which one without testing him. The thing is this kind of stalking and jealousy is the most dangerous combination in a man and you need to make a no contact, change your number, block him from seeing anything you do break from him. No, it will not change. He is insecure and he's control crazy. People with that type of ingrained low self-esteem do not view themselves as worthy of anyone, though none of this is usually something they consciously think about, and so they think the only way to keep someone is by force. I'm sure you've watched enough murder/crime tv shows to see what the result of this can be. This behavior truly is potentially the most dangerous red flags in a man. Nearly all men who hurt of kill their gfs or spouses or exes begin with this type of behavior and the stalking behavior. You should also consider that anyone who thinks someone will cheat just because they have the time or opportunity to is probably also quite capable of cheating. The reason they think that is because that is what they would do if they could. The longer this person is invested at all in you, the more intense his blowback will be when you leave, so you need to leave asap. Tell him one time, in writing or text or email, that you never want to see him again and want no further contact. That is for the legal record in case he won't leave you alone. You need to show you told him firmly no further contact. Then you need to NEVER have contact with him again and log all his attempts to continue to contact just in case he continues spying on you and stalking. And you should also tell your friends and family firmly NOT to give him any info or even speak to him ever about you. Because a typical tactic is to use them to spy on you and get information once you cut him off. Many friends and relatives are stupid and believe he's "lovesick," but there is no lovesickness. There is only sickness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stupidkittten Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) As a lot of people have said, it never goes away. I dated a guy like him for 8 months. I couldn't even wear make up. If I bought new clothes, he'd have to decide if it was modest enough for me to wear. My gym shorts were "too short". On the one outing I took with my friend, he had people spy on me. He had to have every account information to every online account I had. He had to randomly take my cellphone home with him so he could text every guy I had in my contacts and try to gauge from how they responded if I was cheating with them. He went through my old messages as well and then would get mad at me. It all started with those comments. "so who did you talk to in class?" "some guy asked if he could borrow my pencil" "awww that's so sweet i bet you gave it to him. you're gonna start dating him". He liked to act like he was joking when I'd get upset. Always talking about my "other boyfriend". Your post made me cringe because it was him so accurately. I would listen to him because I thought eventually he'd change. Ironically, he's the one who ended up pretty much cheating on me. Edited March 22, 2015 by stupidkittten 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Just quit this RS and go no contact. He sounds pretty much like my ex. Nothing will get better, it will only get worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Oh, boy. This is not healthy or normal behavior, even for jealous types. Not in any way saying anyone here could diagnose this guy, but it's quite possibly a cluster A personality disorder thing (paranoid) which means this is who he is! Personality disorders/issues are real, and perfectly regular people have them. We just aren't aware until we see the signs for ourselves. Don't ignore them! I lived this type of paranoid jealousy in a relationship, and it took a huge toll on my self-esteem. I could not figure out how to stop the accusations. Please don't put yourself through this. He needs help to deal with his paranoia; you are not causing it. There is ZERO hope that he will stop this behavior without him A. Recognizing that he has a problem, and B. Seeking help for himself. And most people--especially if he has some personality issues--will never be able to do that. Never. You don't need a project, you need a boyfriend. Please, for your own sanity, find a different one. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I would listen to him because I thought eventually he'd change. Ironically, he's the one who ended up pretty much cheating on me. It's not even ironic. It's predictable, because one reason they are so sure you'll cheat is because their mindset is that anyone with opportunity will cheat, and they think this because they assume everyone is like them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robot_heart Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 I need to post an update to this because I'm am so angry I want to scream at the top of my lungs and I need to get it out. First of all everyone who commented was correct! This is what happened since. I stayed with this guy because I felt we had a great connection and we had so much fun together. We were always going on vacations and seeing cool things and started to do like photography blog type stuff of the outdoor stuff we did. I fell very much in love with him and learned to just deal with and accept that he was jealous. It would sometimes be ok and other times he would get bad again and I would always try to reassure him that everything was ok.... Fast forward to two weeks ago. He starts to get weird again asking me strange questions like am I talking bad about him to my friends and do I talk to male friends.... This was starting to feel eery because I had been venting to friends and some of my friends are guy friends that I went to IT school. Finally one day I sent an email to a guy friend saying something very private and my boyfriend texts me immediately and says what I had said to the guy... This freaks me out and to make a long story short it all unraveles that he has spy software of some sort on my phone and is watching everything I do and say! He knows all my passwords everything... So I'm of course livid and reformat my phone n change all passwords and we sort of break up. Honestly this is the sick part. I was so used to his jealousy that I thought all this would blow over and we would work it out! Even after he spied on my every move! So I text him after about 4 days and guess what he's already with another girl......! I can't even begin to describe feelings right now! I'm so upset, angry, heartbroken.... Used! I feel every horrifying emotion. The whole time he was jealous of me he turns around and does exactly what he thought I was going to do the whole time. Anyway I'm probably going to start grieving this crap soon so I'll be on the site more. I don't take change very easy and I'm really hurt over all this. What I put up with just to get stabbed in the back. I should have listened from the start . Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 He's with another girl? Good! now he's her problem not yours. Good lord be thankful he hasn't turned into some crazy stalker that interrupts your personal relationships/friendships. I dated someone who was insanely jealous. It turned physically abusive.....again be thankful! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Like many of us Robot you failed to take action when your gut instinct was screaming at you. I could have posted the same initial post as yours when I was early into dating my last ex. In fact much as I don't like to admit it there was even a minor incident of physical abuse only about 3 months into that relationship which, due to it resulting in an injury to me, he, his best male friend and me all discussed the incident. His male friend completely saw my view and my ex failed to see it at all so he chose to continue to attempt that same behaviour. I just became more on guard of it happening again as my injury from the first time lasted 6 weeks until it was healed. Along the way for you there will have been many more signs of how your ex's behaviour would pan out. In one of the several books I read when I was trying to figure out the what and why of what happened to me it was said that the first sign of a man like this is his lack of responsibility. This can manifest in all his ex's being the problem, his boss being unreasonable, his family being this or that way, you name it, anything bad and the guy will blame it upon something else. Another very early common trait is they are so very charming and sweet. The best thing you can do for you is to learn the traits (and there are several) of these kind of men and learn to listen to and more importantly act upon your gut instincts. I feel pretty bad for his new girl - I hope she acts upon hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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