clubbing

[sparkle]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some feedback on a little situation here..that I may have blown out of proportion.

 

I talked to my boyfriend at 3am, and he told me that he just got back from some club...but only after I had to ask him a few times what he'd been doing. He said his friends took him there for a couple drinks for his B-day and that he didn't dance with any girls. He just "hung out" with the guys. And he said that he'd gone about 2 or 3 times in the past few months too.

 

Well I got upset hearing that he went to a club in the first place. I've been his girlfriend for the past 6 months, and I can't understand why he would want to goto some club. I couldn't express my feelings last night b/c he was drunk/sleepy and I let him go.

 

But I just emailed him now telling him many things: That I was upset that he went without telling me beforehand. That I didn't see why he needed to goto a club when he has a girl. That it took me a very long time to trust him, and now I lost that trust in just a second. Why didn't he tell me about the other times he went? Why did he lie to me and say that his 'clubbing days' were over?

 

I told him I don't really believe in giving too many chances, I'd rather leave a guy that I didn't trust and go and be with one that won't go clubbing while he's with me. If I'm not happy by his actions, I'd rather get out of the situation. It's not like there's a shortage of guys in this world.

 

I told him I didn't believe that he would go there just to "hang out" witht he fellas. I've never been to a club so I'm pretty naive on this subject. But I do know that some of the clubs in DC are huge and packed with people, like the one he went to. And from what I know, people goto clubs to either pick up someone or dance with someone. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys go there for anyways??

 

Is this something that you girls would break up with someone over?

 

Do you think I'm overreacting by getting so upset that he didn't tell me?

 

Am I over-reacting by getting upset that he went?

[Tony T]

1. Why didn't he tell me about the other times he went?

 

That little boy in him told him that if he mentioned this you would get pissed. Little boys learn to keep their mouths shut when they are little. I used to ride my bicycle on 22nd Street, which I was absolutely forbidden to do by my mother because of the traffic. I would never tell her. But she found out because one of the big mouth neighbor ladies told her. I didn't tell her because I knew she would get pissed.

 

I think if he thought you would just accept it, let him know you were disappointed and let it go, he probably would have told you. He knows just how straight you are about this sort of thing. In relationships, it's very important not to snap judge or be harsh. That creates an environment where people feel more free to be honest and up front.

 

This is the part of all this that bothers me the most. I think he was very wrong not telling you about this but YOU are the one who has to decide if it's a dismissal offense. Sometimes these things happen in relationships and while they do detract from the atmosphere of trust, you have to talk to him and see if it was that little boy that didn't tell you or if it was a malicious desire to deceive by concealment.

 

This will be your toughest call.

 

2. Why did he lie to me and say that his 'clubbing days' were over?

 

That bothers me a lot, the fact that he didn't tell you about these other times. But I really don't think he went to those places to pick up chicks. It also may have been in the earlier stages of your relationship, before he fell deep for you. He probably just went there out of habit, with his buddies, etc. But if he went there to look at or pick up chicks, he'll never tell you. Promise. In your consideration of this, you have to consider the frequency, circumstances and purpose of the clubbing as well as his reasons for concealment. This is something you may be able to work out. Only you can make that decision.

 

You can't work something out and then wonder everyday if he's going clubbing (or doing anything else you don't like the idea of) again without telling you.

 

3. And from what I know, people goto clubs to either pick up someone or dance with someone. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys go there for anyways??

 

Those are some of the reasons people go to clubs. Some just like alcohol. Some just like to dance and only dance. Some just like to sit and drink and listen to the music. Some just like the alcohol. Some go there to unwind. Many have problems they want to forget. Some people in your boyfriend's age group think it's a cool place to prearrange to meet a group of friends. People who have absolutely nothing in common and nothing to talk about are all of a sudden highly compatible in a club setting and especially after a few drinks. Then, no matter what you say it becomes funny, amusing or appropriate.

 

I really don't think your guy went there to pick up girls. While that can happen, girls can approach him, you've got to trust him that that nothing is going happen. If you think for a minute that your guy would do something with another girl, then you are really with the wrong guy.

 

4. Is this something that you girls would break up with someone over?

 

No, I'm not a girl but I'm extremely objective and I call them like I seen them. I'm neither on the side of the male or female. But I am fully certifiably biologically male.

 

Under the circumstances last night, it is perfectly understandable and believable that a bunch of guys would take your boyfriend out to a club for some drinks. Guys in his age category really think it's special to take a friend out and sort of get blasted in celebration of a birthday.

 

You know your daily routine with him and you know when you're used to calling him and under what circumstances he calls you to tell you what he's doing. Unless the two of you have otherwise agreed or have been used to doing, he is absolutely entitled to go to a club with the guys to have a few drinks and celebrate without calling you.

 

Obviously, the celebration got out of hand from an alcohol standpoint and he probably lost track of time and everything else. Those fun things can run on and on. But it seems that even under the influence of alcohol, he knew he had done something that would piss you off because it took him a while to tell you. That's like a little boy would do and I don't think this one time is a dismissable offense.

 

These guys very well may have flirted with some ladies there but that's not what he set out to do and IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF your boyfriend did any flirting, that's just presuming he may have done some form of it, it was a harmless playful kind probably encouraged by his buddies and would be NO indication whatsoever that he was being disloyal to you. It would be more of an indication of his state of drunkeness and celebration.

 

5. Do you think I'm overreacting by getting so upset that he didn't tell me?

 

Yes and No.

 

I think you are overreacting that he didn't tell you about going out with the guys because it seems it was not a planned thing. If it was a planned thing, not an impulsive thing, then he was clearly lying to you by concealment because he knew how you would feel about it. If it was a thing where the guys called him and said "come out out and let's celebrate" in an impulsive sort of way, yes you are overreacting.

 

What you ought to really be upset about is the other times he went to clubs, and it wasn't his birthday, and he didn't tell you.

 

In any case, I think you should reserve all judgements and reactions until he is totally sober and can address this. However, you have to understand that when he's sober he can smooth things over and perhaps skirt issues that he dealt directly with while he was intoxicated on the phone. You will have to weight what you got from him on the phone (people are usually more forthright in a drunken state) with what he tells you when he's sober. Talk to him in person so you can see by his demeanor and facial expressions just where he's coming from.

 

6. Am I over-reacting by getting upset that he went?

 

I don't think so. It's kind of a shock. But you are his girlfriend, not his prison warden. He's still a little boy. Until he says "I do" or until he has made a committment to call you and ask for permission to do the things he does, he is not obligated to get permission from you to do things like this...especially a one-time birthday celebration.

 

It would have been very nice and very considerate for him to have called you so you wouldn't worry if he normally calls you at a certain time...but, as I said, he may have only had the intention of going for an hour or so and it just got out of hand. Maybe this is an indication of the level of consideration he has.

 

Now, it could have been that he just started having a good time and decided to make it an hour and a half...then two, etc.

 

I very seriously doubt your boyfriend had any meaningful interaction with females at the bar, although they were there and he would have had the opportunity. Unless he is an idiot, I don't think he would put his relationship with you in jeopardy.

[Ed]

Hi sparkle,

 

I don't see anything wrong with going out to clubs. But, you have to realize why I go. I go to dance. It is an innocent pastime for me...mostly for fun. I don't know if I would go at all if I were not interested in dancing. Maybe I took up dancing to give me a reason to go to clubs???? I don't like being at a club when it is crowded. So, I go early and leave early, most of the time.

 

As far as meeting people, picking up someone or being picked up, well, that is a by-product of going out anywhere. It does not matter where I am going out to or what time of day it is. I can meet people and attempt a pickup anytime and anywhere. I am more likely to meet someone of interest away from a club than in one. The only threat in meeting people is if BOTH parties are interested in something more than a casual conversation and, like I said, that can happen anywhere, anytime.

 

Would it really have made a big difference to you if he had told you - ahead of time - that he was going out to a club with the guys? You can certainly lay down the law on him and tell him you don't want a boyfriend that goes out to night clubs - no matter what the reason. I would consider it to be a bit restrictive.

 

You asked, "Am I over-reacting by getting upset that he went?"

 

My answer really depends on what stage you are in with this relationship. It sounds like this issue is more about what level of accountability is expected between you two, rather than what he did. So, this event is either a growing pain or a dying pain for this relationship, I don't know which.

[Paulie]

sparkle:

 

The thing that bothers me the most is not the fact that he went to a club, but rather the fact that he was too drunk/sleepy to talk to you when you had concerns.

 

I've been in a couple long-term relationships, where I really loved the girl, and would never, never cheat. I just never had the desire to. Sometimes, though, you just want to go out with your friends, and frequently, they want to go to clubs.

 

My question is why he would try to hide the fact that he went to these clubs, and even more, why he wouldn't talk to you when you were hurting.

 

Most people do go to clubs to dance, hit on people, or more in the case of girls...to be seen. But believe me, it is very possible to go to a club just to hang out.

 

Paulie

[Rogue]

You're over reacting, Sparkle. Clubs are in fact a lousy way to meet love interest, since everyone is drunk and the music's too loud. Sure a lot of people go there to score, but most people who club just dance, chat and maybe flirt. I don't think your boyfriend would be stupid enough to look for a girl there, so he must've gone to be with the guys.

 

I think the reason he didn't tell you was because he didn't want you to invite yourself over. He didn't want you there because it was gonna be a guy thing, and most likely a rowdy event involving beer, boasting and maybe a little mooning. It also could've been some sort of strip club he went to.He might have been forced to go there by his friends, which happens to me sometimes.Any guy who values his girlfriend won't take her along in one of those "guy" outtings.

 

If you don't believe me, look at how he dressed going to the club. I bet he wore an old sweater and some blue jeans...not the sort of thing you wear to impress chicks, but good enough for the guys.

[elf]

yes definitely overreacting I go out clubbing most weekends and my husband does too nothing happens I go out with my friends he with his you lack trust without that there is no future learn to live a little he is young? you are? enjoy time apart and relish times together

Hi everyone, I need some feedback on a little situation here..that I may have blown out of proportion.

 

I talked to my boyfriend at 3am, and he told me that he just got back from some club...but only after I had to ask him a few times what he'd been doing. He said his friends took him there for a couple drinks for his B-day and that he didn't dance with any girls. He just "hung out" with the guys. And he said that he'd gone about 2 or 3 times in the past few months too. Well I got upset hearing that he went to a club in the first place. I've been his girlfriend for the past 6 months, and I can't understand why he would want to goto some club. I couldn't express my feelings last night b/c he was drunk/sleepy and I let him go. But I just emailed him now telling him many things: That I was upset that he went without telling me beforehand. That I didn't see why he needed to goto a club when he has a girl. That it took me a very long time to trust him, and now I lost that trust in just a second. Why didn't he tell me about the other times he went? Why did he lie to me and say that his 'clubbing days' were over? I told him I don't really believe in giving too many chances, I'd rather leave a guy that I didn't trust and go and be with one that won't go clubbing while he's with me. If I'm not happy by his actions, I'd rather get out of the situation. It's not like there's a shortage of guys in this world. I told him I didn't believe that he would go there just to "hang out" witht he fellas. I've never been to a club so I'm pretty naive on this subject. But I do know that some of the clubs in DC are huge and packed with people, like the one he went to. And from what I know, people goto clubs to either pick up someone or dance with someone. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys go there for anyways?? Is this something that you girls would break up with someone over? Do you think I'm overreacting by getting so upset that he didn't tell me? Am I over-reacting by getting upset that he went?

[elf]

oh and disreguard tony I think he is a robot ha ha no life just too many opinions to tell you the truth I think he scares me you go out and have a ball and let your fiance have one too I am sure he just goes to catch up with friends and if you didn't understand "ball" it means a laugh with friends from ireland

Hi everyone, I need some feedback on a little situation here..that I may have blown out of proportion.

 

I talked to my boyfriend at 3am, and he told me that he just got back from some club...but only after I had to ask him a few times what he'd been doing. He said his friends took him there for a couple drinks for his B-day and that he didn't dance with any girls. He just "hung out" with the guys. And he said that he'd gone about 2 or 3 times in the past few months too. Well I got upset hearing that he went to a club in the first place. I've been his girlfriend for the past 6 months, and I can't understand why he would want to goto some club. I couldn't express my feelings last night b/c he was drunk/sleepy and I let him go. But I just emailed him now telling him many things: That I was upset that he went without telling me beforehand. That I didn't see why he needed to goto a club when he has a girl. That it took me a very long time to trust him, and now I lost that trust in just a second. Why didn't he tell me about the other times he went? Why did he lie to me and say that his 'clubbing days' were over? I told him I don't really believe in giving too many chances, I'd rather leave a guy that I didn't trust and go and be with one that won't go clubbing while he's with me. If I'm not happy by his actions, I'd rather get out of the situation. It's not like there's a shortage of guys in this world. I told him I didn't believe that he would go there just to "hang out" witht he fellas. I've never been to a club so I'm pretty naive on this subject. But I do know that some of the clubs in DC are huge and packed with people, like the one he went to. And from what I know, people goto clubs to either pick up someone or dance with someone. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you guys go there for anyways?? Is this something that you girls would break up with someone over? Do you think I'm overreacting by getting so upset that he didn't tell me? Am I over-reacting by getting upset that he went?

[sparkle]

Your comments helped me soooo much, thank you! I had

 

a wonderful evening with him and he explained his actions. I can't believe I got so worked up over it earlier.

 

A cooling-off period is just what I needed.