Controlling Mother--Does She Really Care?

[Miss Sisyphus]

I don't want to bore anyone with too many details, but I need advice on what to do about my controlling (maybe even psychotic mother). So, if you don't have the patience, just skip this post.

 

First, I am an adult with grown kids. I am ashamed to admit that at my age I am still being manipulated by my mother. I believe I am an "adult child." My mother was abusive to me and my siblings when we were kids. She was a young widow; my dad died when she was in her 20s. A few years after his death, she moved her alcoholic boyfriend in with us. Their abusive on-again off-again relationship lasted for decades, and produced a baby who died as a toddler from a terminal illness.

 

As soon as they turned 18, all of my siblings moved out and eventually left the state. She drove them away with her hateful and manipulative behavior. For instance, she offered my brother a car to leave his pregnant girlfriend. After the baby was born, she asked my brother and his girlfriend (now wife) to give the baby to her and her drunken boyfriend. She hated all of our boyfriends/girlfriends. None of them were good enough. According to her, no man ever really liked me. They were all just using me (including my daughter's father and my ex-husband). Now that my brothers and sisters are married, she hates their wives and husbands. She doesn't like her grand kids either or their wives/husbands. But she is in almost daily contact with at least one of them. They don't know how she really feels about them.

 

Like an idiot, I stuck around and put up with her. I guess I did it out of a sense of responsibility. I'm the oldest so it up to me to take care of her. I should add that, according to her, my dad beat her all the time. Once he beat her so bad (she said) that he thought he had killed her and he dug a hole in the backyard to bury her in. (I don't know how much of this is true because I was only three years old when he died. And there's no one to ask. Furthermore, she is a pathological liar) I felt like she had had a terrible life--and that justified her behavior. I also made excuses for her. Sure, she hit us and called us names, but that's because she had a horrible life. And, besides, lots of kids had it worse.

 

So, flash forward. I occasionally go months without talking to her after the abuse gets to be too much. For instance, she sent me a long email telling me what a horrible mother I am. The email was so bad that when my best friend read it she said it made her want to cry. But then my car broke down and, as usual, she pounced on the opportunity to come back into my life. By the way, she lives across the street from me--she bought the house a few years after I bought mine. It's hard to avoid her.

 

Anyway, I've finally made the decision to sell my house and to move to another state. The problem is, she wants to move there too! She's using the excuse that she would be moving for a better job. She wants to buy a cheap fix-up house for me to move into down there while I'm taking my time finding a good house to buy. She doesn't want me to rush into buying a house that I won't be able to sell if I find out I don't like the new state. (I should mention that she has no faith in my decision-making skills.)

I'm tempted to move to a different state (other than my original choice) just to have some peace! But I believe that I am so brainwashed by her that I don't think I'm capable of doing anything: I'll sell my house for too little then move to a new state and buy a house that I'll pay too much for and won't be able to sell after I decide that I made a mistake moving there. In other words, I won't be able to survive without her "help." But I don't know how much longer I can survive with it!

 

The question is: Does she honestly care about my happiness? Or is this just all about her? Any constructive comments are appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[Miss Sisyphus]

I should add that I think she might be a narcissist.

[d0nnivain]

She cares about herself She sees you as an easy mark. Selling your house is a good idea.

 

 

 

 

Set your email up so her submissions go straight to the trash without you ever reading them.

[Miss Sisyphus]

Thank you. I found a great website for daughters of narcissistic mothers. In fact, it might just be called that. I would recommend it to anyone with a mother like mine. It's eye-opening.