Is porn cheating??? The true realization. Just Keep Breathing.....

[dixiepix]

Years ago, I found out that my husband regularly looked at porn and dowloaded its movies via the internet. Since that time, we seem to be in a "cycle". Ex. Immediately after being confronted, said hubby, promises to not do it again and is very attentive to needs of wife. Over the course of the next few weeks, hubby gradually withdraws, detatching himself emotionally and physically from wife. Several weeks or months pass as wife begins to feel depressed and lonely due to lack of bonding. Wife gets strong sense that something is wrong, tries harder to bring closeness back into relationship. Hubby further detatches. Hubby gets caught again. So he has broken his promise, he slipped, won't happen again. So cycle would run something like this.

>>>hubby views porn for his own selfish reasons despite how it affects wife

>>>wife finds out he is still veiwing

>>>promises are made, deals are struck and couple make up

>>>marital bond suffers for no apparent reason

 

THEN THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF. How does one break this cycle? I can only come up with 2 ways. Hubby stops porn, or the couple seperate.

 

Okay now lets discuss the users attraction to porn. It is a pleasurable, no strings attatched, sexual encounter with different women and or sexual activity. Upon the very first glance at the masterpeice just downloaded comes of course sexual arousal and a huge adrenelin rush (a lot of porn is really intense). He has an ideal, exciting "relationship" -- it is always something new or somebody new, with no hassle...until the OTHER WOMAN...wife finds out. Therefore, wife becomes "bad" guy.

 

Now lets discuss how wife feels when finds said "masterpeice". "Oh my dear God!" My heart races as I too get that adreneline rush, mine for different reasons: I am ANGRY, DEVASTATED, HUMILIATED, JEALOUS and HURT, all at once. Then comes the denial...this can not be happening. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Then comes the realization..Yes it is happening...you pinch yourself, wishing that you were having a really bad dream. Nope, its real. Now that wonderful thing called a brain, begins going haywire...strong feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, neglect, shame, deception, fear, suspicion and mistrust pour in to mix with the other emotions. Somebody help me! Finding out ellicits the same type of feelings as if hubby had participated in a physical affair with a real person. Then wife mourns. She questions her ability to "measure up", wife mentally compares her body and performance to that which is veiwed and suffers loss of self esteem. Then over time, lie after lie, feelings of being sexually inadequate and unattractive, severe depression and possibly thoughts of or attempted suicide. Yes, these feelings are real. The "computer affair" hubby is having, is very, very real to wife. The loss of trust is devastating. Despite promises, the behavior and lies continue, which leads to further erosion of trust, sexual realtionship suffers. And just as though a true affair had occurred, it results in a loss of intimacy in terms of time and emotions.

 

QUESTION? What is adultery?

 

The best definition that I can come up with is....Having interactive sex with another person.

 

SO HERE IS MY LATEST SAGA

 

Friday night, we are cooking dinner. He has several too many beers. We often cook together. Out of the blue, hubby says, "What do you think about getting a "peter pump"? In astonishment, I exclaim, "what?" was shocked because he had made jokes for weeks about a mutual friend who had bought one. He asks again and I answered, where in the world did you come up with that question? He then said I bet they work. Anyway he would not tell me right then, told me that was pillow talk, couldn't tell me in front of kids(who were 2 rooms away, watching tv). Hmmm. Anyway, after a few more beers for him and dinner, I can't wait to get to bed, I figure he is about to tell me some outrageous story that happened to a co-worker. I bring up the subject, being quite intoxicated, he says what are you talking about, I don't remember that...etc. I snapped, "I knew you were going to do that." He says okay, okay. The other day, I saw this thing on the internet, did you know they make a pump for a female? He described that it causes blood to rush to that area. Man if you could have saw what it did to that p****, it was crazy. Anyway, there were a more graphic details. He said, I could show you, no wait I can't, I deleted it, I'm real careful to do that now, but if you go to google and type in... Next thing I know he is snoring. Therefore, I lie there in shock, at this graphic description of some woman's "bulging" cooter. Hang on evenhaving to think about that enough to type it throws me in a tizzy. Not really sure when I finally fell asleep, but I was awake within 2 hrs, unable to go back to sleep. Every time we have these issues, It severly disrupts my sleep patterns. So, I get up, and find things to stay busy, all the while, I am bombarded by the image of this bulging "thing".

 

So the cycle has begun. My mind races into the morning. By then, I have withdrawn and depressed. Luckily, I have a 13 y/o daughter to care for young siblings, as I don't think I could have made it through the day without her help. I spent most of the day exhausted from lack of sleep, in a daze and avoiding him. Every time I looked at him on Sat., I could only see this bulging cooter staring back at me. Strange how the brain works. So anyway, I just couldn't stand to look at him, must less talk to him. I spent a majority of my day on the internet trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about this. So anyway, he walks by while I am reading and says, "OH NO, NOT THE PORN THING AGAIN!!!". I said" I don't want to talk about it. He says,"And by the way, I'm not an addict, I only do it occassionally!!!" I exclaimed,"Nobody said you were, I am simply trying to learn about something I don't understand and why it causes me such greif." That said, neigher have much to say to the other the rest of the evening. I went to the store to get some wine so I could self medicate. Seemed as good as any other option, I could come up with, I mean he'd already began his consumption of beer around noon. It was going to be a "cold" evening. Decided to pass on dinner, (maybe I could die from starvation from missing a meal...then I wouldn't have to deal with it). Fed children, while I silently continued to drown myself in these images, these feelings and the self pity. Okay, I'm losing it. Gotta get outa here, the kids or hubby can't see me fall apart like this.

 

Drive to 1/4 mi. to the nearest parking lot. Fall apart. I'm 37, 3 kids, been in this "cycle" for 5. How long can I do this? Appr. half of my life is over. Can I do this till then. Wish I were dead. I could just go 85 into a tree, but no, I'd probably be crippled yet live. Rationalize, bad idea. continue to cry and feel sorry for self... We have a gun at home, it'd blow my whole head off, but then what about my children..rationalize some more...God please help me...God shared 3 wonderful children with me, they bring me the most joy in life...many who want children, have none...how can I think such a selfish thought as to take away my children's mother...anyway, suicide for sure is a one way ticket to HELL. So I cry, plea, beg, and pray as I regain my composure and head for home. My son 3y/o, has been watching for me and comes running to the car...mommy, mommy!!! All I could do is thank God for shaking me. This is not the first time within the cycle that suicide seemed a viable option...just the closest thought of.

 

YEAH...I ALREADY FIGURED OUT....I NEED SOME COUSELING...YES, I DO HAVE ISSUES.

 

So anyway, get to bed about 1...even after trying to self medicate with a bottle of wine and being exhausted from lack of sleep last night, up at 3am, can't sleep. Happy to still be breathing, I grab my bible and begin reading and praying. Attended church with children, came home. For now, I have peace. It will be OK. Thank Him again because I am still breathing. So, I have decided that this time, I can just drop it...let it go. The whole episode last night was scary, I don't want to think or talk about it.

 

Well, last night, after dinner, he says alright everyone, bathtime & bedtime, mommy and daddy need to talk. So while kids are getting bathed, he is reading my posts on Loveshack...making sarcastic comments...He begins to attack my posting on LS. Finally, I said, Do not even attack me for seeking info/and or advice...I have NEVER pointed a finger at you and said that what you are doing is bad. The only point I have tried to relay the message of how it hurts and affects me..fact is the only person here it is bothering is me. If he listened to what I told him, I wouldn't have even had to post. I cry and tell him how badly the action makes me feel, and history still repeats. It's always ugly. We almost never argue, except about this.

 

So, he say he doesn't know what to do...he goes to work everyday in a hellhole, and comes home to his wife and family, then gets in trouble for looking at porn. Says I should feel lucky that he doesn't have penthouse laying around in the bathroom and that it was only internet stuff...insinuating that mags are worse. And lucky because he doesn't go out to bars with his buddies or cheat on me. Says it is not a big deal, all guys look at porn. Says it has nothing to do with me. Well, NEWSFLASH.....yes..it does have something to do with me, when in the middle of cooking dinner for our family, he gets this image of the bulging cooter in his head, and mistakenly mentions it. Anyway he told me that he can't promise not to do it again, that we both know it will be a lie. Yep. Therefore, I get to look forward to the next "cycle" and the emotional roller coaster it promises to be, and making it to keep seeing the sun rise.

 

By the way, minus porn, we have a good relationship, we are best friends except for that. Don't know how much longer that will last.

 

Thanks for any insight or thoughts. dp

[LucreziaBorgia]

What would be your idea of a perfect scenario should the issue be resolved in your favor? I'm curious about what your ideal situation would be like. Would your scenario work for your husband too? What would you include in your scenario to assure that both partners are compromising equally, and its not just one partner forced to entirely accommodate the other's needs?

[HokeyReligions]

Porn is a deal-breaker for many people. My husband knew how I felt about it before we were married and he he knew he had to make a choice -- porn or me. He didn't have a problem with letting go of porn.

 

I don't know if it's an addiction, habit, or compulsive behavior with your husband, or if he is just insensitive enough, and uncaring enough that he won't give up something for you.

 

Maybe some counseling would help you both. If you do set an untimatum, then be prepared to stick with it. If you are living your life waiting for these cycles and it envelopes all the good, then is the marriage really worth it?

 

There ARE men who do not need porn in their lives.

 

It also sounds like you are suffering from depression -- that is a treatable condition. Pornography may play a part in it, but it's probably not all about the porn. See your doctor. Get some help. If you have to kick hubby out for a while, do it. Maybe he can get some separate counseling and together you can find out how to address your depression and he can find out why he is so dependent on porn that he can't give it up for you.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think your problem is the porn. You have three kids, lots of chores, been married for a long time and your life is boring. The bottle of wine tells me everything. You're running away from your problems. Your husband too. You just rely on this porn thing cuz that (together with your kids) seems to be the only constant thing in your life. You want it to be the only problem. You actually have a nice marriage, but you're angry all the time. You need a therapist to help you find out where this anger comes from. Abuse in the childhood maybe?

You should try and work on your life - find things that will make you happy a few times a week. That will give you strength to feel good most of the time. You should forget the wine that brings ugly and aggressive thoughts in your mind. So what if your husband watches porn occasionally? What's the big deal? If he makes love to you a few times a week, that is what marriage is...as if you (or anyone of us) don't know.

[faux]

If your husband wants to view porn, he can; you have no right to tell him to stop, or to make him feel guilty about doing it. I think you are making a huge issue out of nothing. Let him have his privacy. His masturbation and alone time has nothing to do with you, and it never has. Relationships do not magically make men stop wanting to pleasure themselves or look at porn.

 

I think you should know better than to consider you are not attractive, or not a good partner to him, among many other things. If his right to private intimacy bothers you, I'm sorry, but you are going to have to deal with it. It does not sound like your marriage and family life are bad at all.

[gridiron]

Originally posted by dixiepix

>>>hubby views porn for his own selfish reasons despite how it affects wife

>>>wife finds out he is still veiwing

>>>promises are made, deals are struck and couple make up

>>>marital bond suffers for no apparent reason

There is a very apparent reason. You guys are not communicating, isolating why you disagree, and then deciding on a good compromise situation.

 

Have you ever sat down and listened to him explain why he likes viewing porn, from time to time, without interjecting, judging, or beginning to cry or respond in any manner? Similarly, has he sat down and listened to why you do not like him viewing it, without blowing it off and saying "not this again?"

 

The way I see it, he has his right to do what he wants on his own time, and you have yours, as long as it does not have any negative consequences on the marital bond.

 

My question is whether you can really attribute the decline in your marital bond to porn. Was there ever a time when he first started watching when you did not criticize him for it? Did it affect whether he made love to you less, did less things around the house, loved your kids any less, or spent less time showing you any affection?

 

If the answer is no, then I think we can conclude that the decline in the marital bond is due to your reaction to his porn-viewing, and not the actual porn itself.

If the answer is yes, then this is what you need to bring up with your husband, citing specific examples of how you think it has hurt your marriage.

 

I'm not married, so maybe I can not comment wisely, but it seems like communication and trying to understand the person you love's point of view without judging them first should be a big part of it. If everything else is wonderful, as you say, there should not be a problem doing this.

 

If you guys can not do it amicably yourselves, then maybe try a counselor. I wish you the best of luck.

[dixiepix]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

What would be your idea of a perfect scenario should the issue be resolved in your favor? I'm curious about what your ideal situation would be like. Would your scenario work for your husband too? What would you include in your scenario to assure that both partners are compromising equally, and its not just one partner forced to entirely accommodate the other's needs?

 

I guess the real issue and has been that I am not included. When I first found out, I was puzzled as to why he felt the need to be dishonest about it. Each time it comes up, I have told him how it made me feel and that if we could share it, that I'd probably feel differently about it. I have never said it was a bad thing, only bad for me with the way it is hidden and lied about. If it is such a great thing, why not share it with me? In fact in the beginning, I searched out sites and stuff, and tried to use that as some type of common ground to get him to open up. After about 3 months, I decided that wasn't going to work, and for me, I got little out of exploring alone. Each time, he agreed that we could do this together, and to this day, it has not happened. I figure by viewing together, some of the eroticism we may watch could pour into our own relationship together. That would be mutually beneficial. But, having sex only once a month is not my idea of being receptive to my needs. Majority rules. This is my problem.

[hotgurl]

I think you guys have more problems than porn. Having sex once a month is bad but is the porn interfering with your sex life. Or is it just life? I think first both of you need to stop drinking and you should probably go to counseling and be on anti-depressants. I know you are hurting but when you think of suicide as an out you need help.

 

Do you have time alone. Do you and your husband have dates and couple time. How is your intimacy otherwise? I think MC would be helpful. Why does your husband drink and start drinking at noon?

 

It sounds as if he is unhappy. But I do think a person has the right to have some private time and private sexual time. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. As long as you needs are being meet he has the right to masturbate.

 

 

I understand that your needs aren't being meet now. But honestly I think if your other problems were worked out porn would not be such an issue.

[Guest]

Can you re-read slowly what you first posted?

You saw a woman using a vacuum device on her vagina.

The image sticks in your head. You want to drive 85MPH into a tree because of the image of a "cooter," so-called. You admit you need help. There are a gazillion posts in the LS forums on men and porn. Have a read. Understanding why men gravitate to it is easy. Women's reactions vary. There's lots of good advice.

I tend to agree with what Recordproducer has to say. When you get help (you said you're the one who needs counseling) be sure to divulge everything. Self medicating with wine and the bible and losing it in the middle of a parking lot would be a rather dramatic lack of perspective if it were only about the image of the vagina (or the pron generally). It's too deep an issue to get into in the LS forum, but it sounds like some sort of abuse occurred.

Aside from that, can you help us help you in the once-a-month department?

In other words, is he on the computer when you explicitly told him that you're feeling sexual? Does he stay on and ignore you? Does he do all of the initiating? Do you ever turn him down or have you in the past and do you think if so perhaps he got tired of trying? Do you think he has some "Centerfold Syndrome" going on where the real-life sex can't match the polished and plasticized stars he sees in his downloads?

[Mz. Pixie]

He TRIED to share it with you- your reaction was to be disgusted and stay up all night with the image in your head and feel like committing suicide. No wonder he doesn't tell you about more things that excite him or why he likes to look at porn- he's afraid you'll poke your eyes out with a red hot poker.

 

Are you obsessive compulsive??

 

The porn is really not about you. He has the right to masturbate if he wants to.

According to the Bible, yes looking at another woman with lust in your heart is adultery but have you never admired another nice looking man? If you have you've done as much as he has. Tell me, have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone other than your husband? Ah HA! Then you have committed it to according to what you're saying.

 

He's not sleeping around. To me, it's not adultery if the other person is not a party to it. Her picture may be up on a website but she's not a participant in the action. She's not reaching out and masturbating him. He's not having internet cam sex.

 

I believe everyone can take something too far and some men do with porn but some women have unreal reactions to this type of thing.

 

You definitely need some counseling. Perhaps he needs an escape and is using porn as the escape? Everyone needs some stress relief every once in a while. I myself like to read erotica. If my bf or husband ever told me I couldn't read that and masturbate when I want to I would throw a fit!

[dixiepix]

I never said that I thought it was cheating. The only thing I do think is that it is cheating me. Yes, I do recall about when it began and who he was hanging out with, just thinking back to how our relationship changed. By that time I was already head over heals, and I had no clue as to the decline in closeness. I also know that he would not have married me after the fact if he did not love me. I never even said MB had anything to do with...wow how people can make assumptions. Yes, he is an adult, capable of deciding what is best for him and us, so if that is what he chooses, so be it. However, I'd like to one day think that we, as husband and wife could do something like have sex with the lights on...without my feeling like I'm being compared to other images. I am less than perfect, but would like to feel uninhibited. This can't happen as long as I have a problem with it. But it takes 2 to tango. I also never asked him to quit nor. Yes we have discussed why he does it as well as how it makes me feel, more than once we've had that talk. We have an open line of communication for the most part. I guess because it is something that has upset me in the past, he feels he must hide it from me. So, that being said, I realize it is going to happen again. ok.

 

By the way, when you only do it once a month, you don't turn it down. And No I never have. Having sex once a week or so, would suffice, I'd prefer 2 or 3 times a week, when gets past that 3 week mark, I am beginning to starve. We don't see eye to eye on this, and frequently, we have sex only after I have "rediscovered" what I really don't want to know. Yeah, I guess my issue is the lack of intimacy & sex and not the porn.

[dixiepix]

Let me say one more time...............I have never mentioned MASTURBATION. That is not the issue. I want no more replies. I am allowed my own feelings too, sharing them with LS was my mistake. GUESS I BETTER TAKE MYSELF TO SEE MY COUNSELOR, BUT WAIT I BETTER TAKE MY PROZAC FIRST!

[jade_nc]

i'm sorry you're so upset. you have every right to be. and IMHO - NO, you husband does not have a right to make an agreement with you and then break it. regardless of whether it's sexually related or not.

 

he also doesn't have the right to ignore your feelings, go behind your back, or lie to you.

 

yes, it sounds like it is cheating you. if you had a healthy sex life and this was a supplement, then it would be different.

 

i read your posts a bit differently then the previous posters. i can certainly understand how you would not be able to sleep with that image in your head and your H passed out next to you unable to answer any questions.

[dixiepix]

Originally posted by jade_nc

i'm sorry you're so upset. you have every right to be. and IMHO - NO, you husband does not have a right to make an agreement with you and then break it. regardless of whether it's sexually related or not.

 

Thing is...The agreement was that when he wanted to view it, we would do it together, (this was his idea). I never asked him to quit viewing. He told me that he would not do it without me. He never asked me to join. So it's not like I had the option to say, no I'm too busy now, go ahead. He did continue to cover it up which would be a lie.

 

yes a healthy sex life would be nice... By the way, I have also discussed that fact with him. You'd think that after discussing all these issues over and over that something would change. I dunno. I give up. This whole past week has been a growing experience and a matter of discovering my true strengths and how I can improve within. Upon re-examining my own post; it was foolish to post it, and share such a sensitive issue with the world. I set myself up to be knocked down. I love my family with all my heart and can not make choices for them. In actuality, I can only make choices to create and achieve a healthy balance for myself. I can not control what my husband or anyone else wants to do, no matter how much it hurts. Maybe acceptance is the key.

[Mz. Pixie]

If you will refer back to your original post you said that fit your definition of adultery.

 

What is adultery? The best definition I can come up with is having interactive sex with another person. I believe those were your exact words.

[Mz. Pixie]

Look, I feel bad for you. I agree that it wasn't right for him to say he wouldn't do something and then go ahead and do it. The issue was in that you asked him not to and he probably agreed to keep the peace. Not because he really wanted to. Men do not see this issue the same as we do.

 

He should be meeting your needs for intimacy and sex- especially if he is using porn as a release. I am very open minded about things like that but if my man were wacking off with porn instead of making love to me I would be furious.

 

The fact that you want to commit suicide over something like this, really bothers me. That's why I suggested counseling. It all seems very dramatic and I wonder if you frequently live out your days with highs and lows like this.

[dixiepix]

thanks for the replies...i'm ready to let this go

[dixiepix]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Look, I feel bad for you. I agree that it wasn't right for him to say he wouldn't do something and then go ahead and do it. The issue was in that you asked him not to and he probably agreed to keep the peace.

 

The fact that you want to commit suicide over something like this, really bothers me. That's why I suggested counseling. It all seems very dramatic and I wonder if you frequently live out your days with highs and lows like this.

 

I did not ask him not to!!! He suggested we do it together (as a solution)...for I even prompted. wanna look at some porn...I am pretty open minded as well.

 

The thoughts of suicide we a fleeting jumble of thoughts...they lasted about as long as it took me to type them. It is not as if I sat there and dwelled on it. No, I do not frequently live out my days with highs and lows. 99 percent of the time I am happy and overly optimistic which may be the reason it "seems" awful in my psyche when I do get low.

[Moose]

Personally, I feel that communication can solve all of this for you dixiepix. And I might add, communication without the influence of alcohol. Your husband's personality may hinder him from caring about your feelings towards porn, and alcohol can only intensify this, (obviously from what you posted this is true). I think that only through sober, clear communication can you solve this problem.

[Bballiwifey04]

Hey dixie, I have the same problem. Is it cheating if it is not cyber sex? I have only been married 8 months? Why is this happening?

Am I ugly?

Does he not love me?

I am not enough in the bedroom?

HELP!!

[Moose]

Men look at porn because we're not supossed to. Also, it's sooooo pleasurable to us. God made women too attractive to us......we can't help ourselves. And yes, to me it's a form of cheating. Christ said Himself that if we even think about being with a woman other than our spouses, then it's as bad as cheating.

 

What seems to be the main problem is that some men don't have the appropriate character to be sympathetic to their spouse's feelings over it. I think most of these problems can be sorted and solved through productive communication.

 

It's not that your ugly, or he doesn't love you, or your bedroom performance is lacking.....it's sinful, yet exhilorating......so bad, yet so good. Compare it to your craving for chocolate. You know for a fact that too much chocolate means weight gain and zit city.......but when you crave it, or even think about it......you indulge in it......

 

Although productive communicating won't stop what he's doing, it will help him to understand how it makes you feel, and maybe he will refrain from it at least in your presence. You can't expect him to stop just as much as he can't expect you to stop eating chocolate........

[FolderWife]

Well... minus the kids, I could've written this. I've thought about suicide myself. Then realized that I'd do better to leave him and go to college and move to Florida than I would to burn in hell for eternity, because he couldn't give up something that crushed my heart.

 

So, I decided, after two years of the cycle (it was a three month cycle, that has worked it's way up to two) that I couldn't fight any more.

 

We got rid of the computer a year ago, but that didn't help anything...he still found pay per view, and went as far as opening another po box to get $60 worth of pornos mailed to...which I found before he got to watch them *hee hee*

 

I finally semi-gave up. I let him have his videos and dvds (11 in all I think) but that is all. I don't want any more internet, and I don't want any dirty magazines. The pornos on dvd are all I can stomache. I won't watch his videos, because I don't want to know what he's looking at.

 

With the internet, you end up finding one or two things to enjoy. I enjoy loveshack and ebay, and a couple of other forums.

 

Men, apparently, are drawn to the porn...since it's in your face no matter WHAT you search for. I even get sucked into looking at a dirty picture once in a while..I can't help it. It's like looking at a train wreck. You know it isn't pretty, but you can't help but look.

 

The men, apparently, get hooked on looking at the nudi stuff and will look at it occasionally to very often. Then us wives stumble across it and feel devistated.

 

So understanding that I will find it, and that hubby will look at it, whether it's his intention or not when he logs on, I decided that I can't live with the internet in our home. If he has DVDs, then he has to make a concious effort to put the DVD in, and watch it. On the internet, he can just look at porn because he was online, and got bored because no one emailed him.

 

So in conclusion, see if your husband can live without the internet and pay per view. Then give him some porno movies.

 

That way, he'll have to make a concious effort to watch it. Also, you won't be stumbling upon it. Also, he won't be looking at sex toys...unless they are in his porn.

 

So far, this has worked for me. I know he has the movies, but I don't know when he watches. So I can live with it...as long as I don't think about it, and as long as I don't think about all the times he lied to get porn...

 

great, now I thought about it.

[Guest]

dixiepix wrote "I'd like to one day think that we, as husband and wife could do something like have sex with the lights on...without my feeling like I'm being compared to other images. I am less than perfect, but would like to feel uninhibited. This can't happen as long as I have a problem with it. But it takes 2 to tango."

 

She feels compared to, mentioned it's not about adultery only his preference for the porn, it's not about masturbation, says she needs to work on herself, says she was a wreck when she first posted.

 

So. If this thread should continue, let's make it about dixiepix's key statement above, the Centerfold Syndrome I'd mentioned earlier, and forget harping on things that she's already said aren't the issue...

[Tamed Wildflower]

I can tell this is an incredibly difficult issue for you, and I think you deserve a long, thoughtful, and insightful response. Honestly, tho, my own head is spinning after reading your post!! I wish I could be as insightful as you need, and I hope that there are others on Loveshack who can help with this. I'll come back some other time after giving this some thought and see what I can think of.

 

I would like to ask one question though, to gather more info in understanding this. How has your sexual relationship with your husband been? You have mentioned that the two of you have a wonderful relationship, that you are best friends. That's great to hear-- friendship is the foundation of love, I believe. But sex is also often a wonderful part of a romantic relationship, and I couldn't help notice that your only mention of sex in your post was in relation to your hubby's enjoyment of porn. I don't know if you were just omitting what you consider to be fairly private, but if you don't mind my asking, I would like to ask if the two of you have shared a satisfying sexual relationship other than during the low points in this cycle, or before this cycle began?

 

There is another poster here named Morning who has gone through something like this with her husband, maybe she will have some insight or advice. I'll PM a couple of others who I know are generally good advisors, too.

 

Hang in there, Ma'am, we LoveShackers will help you through this!!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Another question:

When your husband watches porn, does he think of it the same way you do? Ie: that he is having a "relationship" with another woman, or an "encounter" with another woman? Or is it less meaningful than that to him-- just some erotic images to look at while he pleases himself?

 

Also, when he watches porn, is he really choosing porn OVER you? Does he become withdrawn because he feels guilty about porn-viewing, or does he actually prefer a sex life with some images on a TV/computer screen over one with you? This may sound like a really harsh question, but I ask it not because I suspect the answer is yes, but because I suspect that the answer is no. Have you ever talked seriously with your husband about his watching of porn, asking him why he does it, why he likes it, what he gets out of it? (in a way that is neither accusatory nor condescending)

 

Also, what are your feelings toward porn? If you think about it for a moment outside of the context of the problems it causes in your relationship with your hubby, what do you think of it?

 

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings. I know that you feel hurt and betrayed, and these feelings are entirely valid. I am just trying to gather more information, so I can kind of round out my understanding of what is going on here, and hopefully then be of better help.