Is porn cheating??? The true realization. Just Keep Breathing.....

[OneFaith]

Why bother with someone if they dont "respect" or "love" you? Because I felt I had enough for the both of us? He didnt do counseling with his first wife, doubtfully with me.

[moimeme]

Well, you can throw in the towel now or you can try to redeem it. How are you so sure he doesn't respect or love you?

[chaos70]

Unfortunately, I have my 1 cent to throw in.

 

With my delve into online porn, and subsquently caught by my wife, it was more for a release of excitement due to a bad sex with wife. Now before everyone goes loco, here me out from this guy. I have repeated expressed to her that I initiate the sex call 99% of the time, and get rejected 85% of the time where we only had sex maybe 1 time a month. There is another factor to this story was that she has a chronic illness that complicates things. Sometimes she didn't want to be touched even physically caressed because it hurt. Combined with her odd manners of managing stress by falling asleep all the time, and that we didn't even sleep in the same bed on our wedding night because she chose to fall asleep on the hotel room couch making sure her mom got home safe and sound after dropping us off at the airport hotel...It tough when you try to express your love, desire, and affection to someone you love but receive nothing in return. She got none of the rejection (until she discovered my delve into porn). Even when we had sex, it was more of me pleasuring her and then she would say "get on top of me and do what you need to do" (I kid you not).

 

Now, she uses my fray into porn as a rallying point as to how I've neglected her. Yes, I have repeatedly talked with her up until our marriage went completely south about how I was trying to show her affection she desired but it's mighty tough when all attempts are met with negative responses. Even when I said she looked simply beautiful, she denied it saying that she was fat. I replied, I couldn't care if you were a model or 1000 lbs...you still look beautiful to me. What kills me as she took for granted my attention, and sought after attention from other men saying that other guys found her attractive. I'm looking at her wondering if she even bothered listening to me at all. I bought her sexy apparel, which never was worn. Yet she wants to only appear attactive to the outside world and not to me.

 

Granted I knew full well of the chronic illness before marriage, but I crave attention as well. I drew the line at any interaction with a live women whether in person or over the internet, but the videos were simply a fantasy release...riding the morality fenceline in my book.

 

Maybe I'm unique in the situation, but I only started with porn when my needs are being met even remotely close. And maybe a bit of advice for the women who catch their mates looking at it, instead of giving them the only option of "don't do it because it hurts my feelings"...ask them why. Some may lie to spare your feelings as to real reason if they aren't open, but I know for me...it was because I wanted my attention and romance as well. Women have egos as well, and they sometimes react just as crazy as men when those egos are hurt...but I would definitely say that if you asked a man "what is it that appeals to you about that specific porn", maybe you get an honest response and maybe it would be something as simple as making the sex life a bit more exciting to the both of you.

 

Keep in mind that I'm not saying that anyone isn't right or wrong, but it could be the way that the message is delivered that garners the closed responses. But IMO, men use porn to learn/express/understand their own desires and needs. Some of it is a tad twisted, and some sick...but the general part is that men crave attention as well...I don't deny we are stupid. But if you corner most men, their instincts are damage control and that the situation is negative and not to admit to the person they love of what the true nature and reasons are. Just like when you give negative responses to dogs, they sometimes do it anyways.

[Disagree]

IMO no, masturbating just to satisfy yourself is not cheating, but to look at or think about someone other than your partner while masturbating is pretty darn close and very disrespectful and will cause your partner to feel unattractive and have a very low selfasteam.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Disagree

IMO no, masturbating just to satisfy yourself is not cheating, but to look at or think about someone other than your partner while masturbating is pretty darn close and very disrespectful and will cause your partner to feel unattractive and have a very low selfasteam.

 

Only the extremely insecure one's.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Disagree

IMO no, masturbating just to satisfy yourself is not cheating, but to look at or think about someone other than your partner while masturbating is pretty darn close and very disrespectful and will cause your partner to feel unattractive and have a very low selfasteam.

 

That is one of the most horrifying things I have read. I thank whatever powers that be every single day that I am not involved with someone who thinks this way.

[mymojo]

After many months of struggling in a relationship I've come to the conclusion that porn and solo masterbation satisfy me a lot better than sex with my husband.

 

Quite frankly, women are somehow expected to be the keepers of relationships,the onus it seems falls to us to keep sex frequent,hot and exciting,if something's wrong it's us who are supposed to ferret out what exactly it is and us who are supposed to fix it... that is if we'd like our husbands to lower themselves enough to have sex with us instead of with their own hands at least occasionally.

 

After months of trying to fix things,I now understand why men prefer porn over their g/friends/wives, it's a lot easier and you get a bigger return of sexual excitement for the time invested than you ever will from sex within your relationship.

 

I now have zero sexual desire for my husband and find I'm liking my life a whole lot more now that I am no longer forced to grovel,beg,plot and plan in order to have sex.

[Bubbles]

Yep! It's all about control!

 

Wonder how long it will take for your husband to come begging for some..........wish I could see the look on his face when you turn him down because YOU are already satisfied......LMFAO! He'll be on LoveShack next..........

 

I am sooooo damn proud of you! What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

 

 

bubbles

[mymojo]

Bubbles,

 

At this point in time my attitude isn't about "control" at all.I understand that I can't/don't desire to

censor what he looks at or his fantasies.However I am just tired of trying to cope with how lousy his pretty much

constant erection/lack of orgasm problems make me feel.

 

If a guy frequently loses his erection during sex and doesn't orgasm much of the time I'd say it's pretty clear

that his partner doesn't turn him on and I'm tired of trying to deny/fight that reality.

[jmargel]

Dixie I skimmed over your posts. You mentioned that you came to an agreement that you two would watch it together. But have you taken that inititive to view it with him? How about asking, hey want to look at some of it? But, make sure if he looks at just chicks, that you get to look at men too. He'll then have a different view on things perhaps.

 

Looking at porn is not a way to decieve the ones we love or hurt them. It's more of a stress reliever. Personally I don't imagine "being" with the woman that is on the screen.. It's just an image. Once he turns off the computer I doubt he really thinks about it.

 

Sounds like you two might have drinking problems? You two drink alot? Also I know you were emotional then, but any talk or thoughts of suicide like that is something to look into. It's not that you are sick or demented or something is wrong with you, just that you are having a hard time coping with this and perhaps other things in your marriage/life?

 

I know how it feels to be cheated out on things. I have my own situation. It hurts, especially when it's something that you should be doing with your mate. Nothing you did turned him into viewing porn, men by nature are more visual. Majority of the men out there view porn whether they admit it or not.

[Bubbles]

mymojo,

 

Although you did not seek to have control you just simply "took care of yourself" and stopped waiting or relying on him to bring satisfation to you. You gained control without seeking it or simply put.....you stumbled upon it.

 

I'll bet there are a number of women here who only wish that they had the nerve (for lack of a better term) to look after themselves and not feel resentment towards their spouce.

 

The only thing I worry about is this: will the two of you become "room mates" rather than "soul mates" .

 

 

bubbles

[OneFaith]

Originally posted by mymojo

Bubbles,

 

At this point in time my attitude isn't about "control" at all.I understand that I can't/don't desire to

censor what he looks at or his fantasies.However I am just tired of trying to cope with how lousy his pretty much

constant erection/lack of orgasm problems make me feel.

 

If a guy frequently loses his erection during sex and doesn't orgasm much of the time I'd say it's pretty clear

that his partner doesn't turn him on and I'm tired of trying to deny/fight that reality.

 

 

Why bother being in a relationship if you cannot have a sexually fulfilling one? Is there a trade off that you both are communicating great? Or do you both place more emphasis on "friendship" than sex? I mean, to be in a relationship is to love and be loved in all ways. If you're not getting satisfied by him, if he rather pull out the porn and jack off to it than to initiate and have sex with you, I'd say that's a big problem. BIG PROBLEM.

 

Taking your sexual needs into your own hands without relying on your husband to meet them is fine. But how long can you live like that being with him? You want to be 20 years down the road and still masturbate and care for your sexual needs all by yourself? Not that there are people who choose to be single and live that way, but they are single -- in a relationship all by themselves. This goes back to my question, why bother being married?

 

Hey what a novel idea, no more marriage! Everyone go out and buy pornography and get all those special toys to satisfy only yourself and stop adding to the world's statistics from divorce!

 

What a fulfilling relationship!

 

(stops sarcasm)

[veasse]

Let me say one more time...............I have never mentioned MASTURBATION. That is not the issue. I want no more replies. I am allowed my own feelings too, sharing them with LS was my mistake. GUESS I BETTER TAKE MYSELF TO SEE MY COUNSELOR, BUT WAIT I BETTER TAKE MY PROZAC FIRST!

 

It's ok to feel this way, i understand, if there is a reason that you have this issue, most of the time its because the person in question has caused it.

 

I dont profess to know exactly what you are going through but when i met my Boyfriend he was with a partner and we were friends he came to visit me after they had broken up and made an excuse he had a photography course in my area, when he saw me he told me he loved me and we kissed and we talked about being together, then the night he was leaving for the photoshoot he admitted it was a glamour shoot and assured me it was nothing more. When he got home (it was a long distance thing) he was honest enough to tell me he had touched the woman and had done sexual things with her and he admitted he had 9gigabytes of porn on his computer, i told him i didnt like it, and i was extremely upset. He promised to delete all of it including the pictures of the photoshoot, and i resolved i wasnt with him at that point so i would see what happened. We got together officially on valentines day this year and i moved in as i had a work opportunity in his area, his ex was gone but we had to have the locks changed as she was threatening me, things would pop up, like directions to the photoshoot and mails about it, i dismissed them.

 

I met one of his friends and was told that his friends introduce him as "this is ....... he loves big boobs" i have a big chest and i got worried thats all he wanted from me, but i let it go, the porn thing i put to the back of my mind, he always seems to want to do different things, naughty, dirty in my opinion (i was a virgin till i was 24 and i'm only 26) and i dont agree with porn but i tried to understand it cause it kept coming up, we downloaded something to try to watch together and it was rubbish, we came to the conclusion from discussing it that i dont agree or like porn and i didnt want him to look at it because i give him more than enough in that department. Recently he went to his friends and i found porn on the computer and got upset i realised it was old but what made me sick was it was the lady was large and her name was the same as mine. fortunately it was dated years back. then he comes home and tells me he and his mates were looking at pictures of asian women porn, i was very upset and i told him how it made me feel, he has a choice and he choses to look and therefore knowing how it upsets me he is cheating on me, so we got past that and this weekend he went to a stag do and was looking at XXX channel with women showing thier boobs! now he has a past of porn and is known for his love of boobs, he makes comments about people on tv (even when its music videos) and he knows he shouldnt. so i'm very upset.... this is just part of the problems i'm having (i'm waiting for an operation, i'm fighting with work and i am far from friend and family)

 

Porn isnt good for everyone and he should respect you, i dont know where to go from here because he doesnt masturbate he says there is no intention when he looks, or makes comments with his mates about women walking by in the pub. I feel that despite intention, if he knows it upsets me (an issue he made inside me when he did those things when we were getting together) he shouldnt do it FULL STOP!

 

We do talk, we talked till 2am this morning and i havent stopped crying all day. Where do i go from here?

 

What i will say to you is protect yourself, dont let him walk all over you, and dont let him justify it! Also get a toy, its not a bad thing to do, every time he goes to look at porn take yourself to your room and enjoy yourself, he will soon catch on, whats good for the goose is good for the gander, i find that even telling him i may use the toy spurs him on, and its not intended for that, but if he wants fun, and will do it and break promises and hurt your feelings take control and have fun for yourself!

 

I hope you find things get better, i dont know which country you come from but there are good counselling facilities out there and you arent being weak to go you are being strong!

 

i know i have rambled but if anyone can help me with some advice also i would appreciate it, i dont mean to hijack the thread but it may help advice for the same thing for a different person, different perspective etc!

 

regards

 

Veasse xx

[Chicana]

Of course you probably knew that somebody might respond to you with a biblical reference so here it is.

Matthew Chapter 5 verses 27 and 28 says ( paraphrased) that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

The only thing I can say is that if it is hurting you so very deeply, you have to make a choice since nothing is changing. If you simply cannot ignore it and it is hurting you and filtering into every part of your mind and life then it is not good for you at all to be there. You have to choose what you will accept and not accept and anything that hurts you like that is not good.

 

My fear for you is that if he cannot simply stop when he knows how it hurts you he may be addicted on some level. Even if it is for the pure enjoyment he is addicted to some feeling or emotion he gets from looking at it enough to put aside your feelings and concerns with it. It's not like you are asking him to give up something that is life sustaining. And I think you mentioned that you asked to be included not just for him to give it up. Just remember that those people in those magazines are airbrushed and made to look perfect as are some of the movies tht are made. Those women are the ideal because they do anything at all with no reservation to please their man and that in itself is a powerful and arrousing thought to a man. I have heard that pornography creates a level of anxiety and that is very arrousing and addictive to males and females alike. Hmmmm really huge subject.

 

In my experience I hope that at some point the pornography does not become boring and the need to move to something more real may arise. I saw the pornography followed by strip clubs followed by affairs. Upon divulging the affairs everything stopped until the strip clubs came up again and still find the porn occasionally. I am an intelligent person and not to bad looking but my self esteem as yours has taken a beating. My husband says I love you and I don't know why it bothers you. Point is that it does and I am not going to continue putting myself in the situation. I have said no more porn or strippers or affairs or no more me. I had to pray and find the strength to realize that I do matter and although some may be okay with porn I am not and can't live forever doubting my self worth to my husband. And yes there is less sex. I of course think that it is because I can't measure up at 41. I would rather be alone than keep going this way. Just remember that the girls in those videos are somebody's daughter and grandaughter or family member and a lot of them have no other choice and don't like what they do. I mean think about the Prime Time special with Diane Sawyer where she interviewed the porn star who said that she had to smile all the time or she would cry about what her life has turned out to be. She talked of being told that she would be in a movie with 2 guys and it turned out to be 17 guys gang banging her. That whole industry is just plain frightening.

 

But all that said there must be a market for it or it wouldn't be what it is today. All that doesn't matter. You matter the most and you need to be your own best friend and take care of you first so your kids can have a happy you. You are in a marriage and one would think that means that he chose you amongst all other women to be his partner in life and that anything that hurts you and is within his control to stop he should want to stop. I mean if you wanted to engage in behavior that hurt him how long would he stick around. It's not a matter of control or anybody having a right to do what they want. It is a matter of honoring and loving you to the depths of his soul.

[still wondering]

I've been married for over two years and I'm only 23. I don't have any kids but I would love to...but like you I'm lucky for my husband to even have sex with me 1 a month. I used to find porn all the time that he would hide and would say the next time I found it I would leave. Well, he stopped for a while, but they built an adult store down the road from where we live and just the other night I fould another porn.... and what an excuse he said he just had to buy it because my brothers kept talking about it. To my knowledge he hasn't had any porn for over a year until now. I get so hurt and upset because like you, I feel that it takes away from what I need that he doesn't give because of the porn. He doesn't understand why it hurts me so bad and he tried to tell me that he felt guilty at first when he bought it and then just didn't care. That hurts, I can't sleep either because everytime I close my eyes there are so many questions... what was he thinking when he walked in that store, what made him pick that one, why would he rather watch someone else have sex then just doing it with me... what was on the dvd, why does he lie, does he not care? I know I don't look like the girls in those movies, and if that's what he wanted...why did he marry me? He gets so mad when I try to talk to him about it, he says I have no right to confront him. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's not ok to put your wife on the back burner just so you can get your jerk on from watching other women. I don't know what to do..... but I do know that it hurts... I tried to just stop caring about everything that he does...but eventually if I do that I'll just fall out of love....what to do. How do you deal with it? The thing that makes me sooooo mad is that I'm the one working hard to make money to pay our bills while he sits at home and spends money on porn.....UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Desy]

Right now i'm in the same EXACT situation.I caught my fiance looking at porn and he flat out denied it..before that incident (within a 2 week period)..I caught him emailing and adult finder friend *sigh* I dont know what to do it hurts so bad

[michaelk]

I'm amazed at the number of women posting on this thread who seem to feel that when their man looks at porn and/or masurbates to it, it is somehow a negative statement about them. Granted, there are a lot of serious relationship issues that have been raised, but these should be dealt with directly, not by making pornography the scapegoat.

 

Setting relationship issues aside, it's important for women to understand the following about men and sex: 1) Men masturbate. This is not something they do to slight you, it is a natural behavior that is hard-wired. 2) Men are primarily visually stimulated (not emotionally stimulated as you are), which means that they need to look at photos, video, or a real live woman to help get them aroused. If either 1) or 2) are NOT true about your man, THEN you should be worried!

 

If, as some recent posters have experienced, your man is photographing women nude at a 'glamour shoot', participating in sex chat, or exchanging sexual emails with other women (among other things), then they are directly engaging another person in their sexual activities. IMO, this is a legitimate reason to get upset!

 

But a photo or video is no threat to you. He can't have sex with a photo, go out to dinner with it, take it on vacation with him, or any of the other things that you should be doing if your relationship is otherwise healthy. So relax and let him do his thing, and let him know that it's REALLY OK WITH YOU. If you make him feel comfortable and natural about it, he'll stop being so defensive and secretive (assuming he isn't doing something else that actually crosses the line).

 

I know what I'm talking about here. This recommendation is based on my experience with my wife. We've had our problems around this issue in the past. But now she is very accepting, gives me 'private time' to do my thing, and occasionally participates. She never makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I respect her and don't cross the line.

[chrissy123]

I'm amazed at the number of women posting on this thread who seem to feel that when their man looks at porn and/or masurbates to it, it is somehow a negative statement about them...

Well it is a statement about me. He is saying he would rather look at some naked chick and get turned and and pleasure himself then be with me. If I am not good enough for him then he needs to leave and find someone who is.

 

) Men are primarily visually stimulated (not emotionally stimulated as you are), which means that they need to look at photos, video, or a real live woman to help get them aroused..

Blah Blah Blah.... I am so sick of hearing how men are "visually" wired. This is just an excuse so men can be in a relationship and still be able to look around for something better that they wanna be with. If a man masturate to a picture of another women it is completly disrespectful and a slap in the face to any women he is with.

 

I just feel if a man is attracted to a women and is in love with her he shouldn't need anyone esle to get turned on.

[Outcast]

Blah Blah Blah.... I am so sick of hearing how men are "visually" wired. This is just an excuse so men can be in a relationship and still be able to look around for something better that they wanna be with.

 

No. Wrongo. It's biology. Verified by scientists at universities. You have to understand that human beings are animals and much of their brains are still wired they way they were when they lived in the bush millions of years ago.

 

If a man masturate to a picture of another women it is completly disrespectful and a slap in the face to any women he is with.

 

No it's not. It's him being horny, wanting to get off quickly, and using a photo to do it with. He isn't in love with the photo. He doesn't want to live with the photo. It's JUST A PHOTO.

 

I just feel if a man is attracted to a women and is in love with her he shouldn't need anyone esle to get turned on.

 

You can feel that people should fly or that elephants should be pink but biology is biology and all the ways you would prefer that it be won't make it so.

[chrissy123]

No it's not. It's him being horny, wanting to get off quickly, and using a photo to do it with. He isn't in love with the photo. He doesn't want to live with the photo. It's JUST A PHOTO.

Well you know what... he should be able to come to me when he wants sex not a picture of some naked .....

 

You can feel that people should fly or that elephants should be pink but biology is biology and all the ways you would prefer that it be won't make it so.

Its not biology its the fact that most men are shallow and most men would cheat on their women if one of there "perfetct" fantasy things came up to them naked and wanting them. That is part of what makes it disrespectful.

[Jeffrey]

That's a pretty self-centered view. It has nothing to do with the man/woman someone is with, it's about their own private (Privacy is something anyone in a relationship or marriage should have) time with their own bodies.

 

They're not REAL people that one interacts with, they're no relationship or feelings, it's simply: Porn.

 

I'm amazed at the number of women posting on this thread who seem to feel that when their man looks at porn and/or masurbates to it, it is somehow a negative statement about them...

Well it is a statement about me. He is saying he would rather look at some naked chick and get turned and and pleasure himself then be with me. If I am not good enough for him then he needs to leave and find someone who is.

 

) Men are primarily visually stimulated (not emotionally stimulated as you are), which means that they need to look at photos, video, or a real live woman to help get them aroused..

Blah Blah Blah.... I am so sick of hearing how men are "visually" wired. This is just an excuse so men can be in a relationship and still be able to look around for something better that they wanna be with. If a man masturate to a picture of another women it is completly disrespectful and a slap in the face to any women he is with.

 

I just feel if a man is attracted to a women and is in love with her he shouldn't need anyone esle to get turned on.

[JeT'Aime]

I know exactly how you are feeling. And it is amazing that we (women) get condoned for having the least bit of respect for ourselves and our actions. I believe that if a woman gets mad about porn, getting mad is completely justified. My boyfriend has also repeatedly went behind my back and looked at porn after I confronted him about it, and tried to tell him how it made me feel. I guess some people just don't have enough resect for their sign. other, to respect their opinion.

[d'Arthez]

My boyfriend has also repeatedly went behind my back and looked at porn after I confronted him about it' date=' and tried to tell him how it made me feel. I guess some people just don't have enough resect for their sign. other, to respect their opinion.[/quote']

Could not you turn the argument the other way around too? That you do not have enough respect for your significant other, because you prohibit him watching porn? Why are your feelings more important than his?

 

And the reason people lie about these things and try to hide them, is because openness about things is not beneficial to the both people in the relationship. Rational discussion and consideration is already impossible. What do you expect to follow, then?

[michaelk]

Its not biology its the fact that most men are shallow and most men would cheat on their women if one of there "perfetct" fantasy things came up to them naked and wanting them. That is part of what makes it disrespectful.

 

You are reading the words, but not understanding. YES it IS biology that if my fantasy girl threw herself at me naked, I would have a very tough time saying 'no'. And no, it does NOT make me shallow. It makes me a male human being, naturally wired to be constantly looking at women, thinking about sex, and seeking orgasm. The fact that I am looking at pictures instead of having sex with as many women as possible is solely out of respect for my significant other, and demonstrates that I am not merely 'shallow'.

 

If you read about the effects of testosterone on individuals who have either lost it (e.g. castration) or started taking it (e.g. sex change), you will learn that drastic changes in behavior occur. For example, subjects who have started taking testosterone injections find themselves suddenly engaging in many 'shallow' male behaviors, such as an uncontrollable urge to look at women walking by.

 

Now this may sound like a silly justification to you, but none of us can avoid our basic biology. Not even you. When you can control all of your 'female' biological behaviors, then you can criticize your man for looking at women. Until then, you'd be better off not trying to change him.

[harleygirl92156]

without my feeling like I'm being compared to other images. I am less than perfect, but would like to feel uninhibited. This can't happen as long as I have a problem with it.

 

this pretty much sums it all up......you are doing this ALL to your self as you are the one that has the problem. Let him live his life and get help for yourself. He isn't hurting anyone and you my dear are the only one hurting you.