Is porn cheating??? The true realization. Just Keep Breathing.....

[Pink_Tulip]

Bob- I think you completely missed the point I was trying to make in my post. The problem with CPS is there are no fixed guidelines. There is nothing that says if a child has one bruise they can stay in the home, two, and they must be removed. As the above poster said, she had the CHOICE whether or not to remove a child. That is my point! If the scenario I gave happened, it would be the social workers personal decision whether she pulled that child or not. If it were someone who had a severe dislike of porn, she would pull the child. But since I assume you won't believe me, I have more than enough reading material for you. And if you choose to investigate further, call your local CPS office and ask 20 people, and I guarentee you will get 20 different answers.

 

As for the IP, I know about them b/c my husband runs a gaming server, and is able to ban troublemakers based on their IP. As far as I know, there is no way to 'hide' it, or troublemakers would do that all the time and not be able to be banned. If I could and did hide my IP, why would I challenge you to check, only to have you see all the above posts have a 'hidden' IP? That makes no sense. I am sorry some people don't want to believe CPS has this much power over families as to think I would post as two different people on this thread. If you don't believe me, google 'CPS and false allegations' to see exactly how difficult your life can be if CPS chooses to be involved. And keep in mind I work for them, I am not some bitter person, just someone who can see the flaws in the system and how they can be exploited by vendictive citizens, social workers and judges running their own agenedas. When you are in CPS, you are guilty until proven innocent.

 

As for your 'proof,' here are some things I found to help you understand what I am talking about. I had a great one that listed cases where kids had been removed for stupid things, for example, the kids were homeschooled and the social worker thought it was emotional abuse. Many where the healthy, happy kids were removed b/c the social worker thought the house was too messy, and one where the kids were removed b/c the family was vegan and the social worker thought feeding kids vegan meals was neglect. I thought I had bookmarked it, but can't find it now, I'll keep looking. But if you care so much, you could just as easily do some googling yourself. The point is, if kids can be taken for being homeschooled by a social worker with an agenda, do you not also think they can be taken b/c they got into their parents porn by accident, if the 'right' social worker came along? Of course they could. I did not come on here originally to pick a fight with anyone or to be called a liar, just to back up someone saying something I have personal experience in. I don't get what all the fuss is about.

 

First link to an audit of CPS. Please make note of the findings at the bottom that clearly state that a big problem is a lack of guidelines for workers:

 

http://www.courts.co.riverside.ca.us/grandjury/0dpss2.htm

 

About the case I referenced early where the child was considered a victim of child pornography b/c of a pic of him nursing:

 

http://dallasobserver.com/Issues/2003-05-01/news/letters.html

 

Another site complaining about how easy it is for workers to remove based on personal opinon:

 

http://waysandmeans.house.gov/hearings.asp?formmode=view&id=2296

 

and the last one was about a documentary run on Frontline about CPS and their lack of guidelines and ability to remove children based on their OPINON:

 

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/fostercare/talk/index3.html

[RecordProducer]

Never did I say porn violates children. What I said was, in many sex abuse cases, porn IS in fact involved.

In most cases penises are involved too.

 

Just in case... let's cut 'em all off!

[Pink_Tulip]

In most cases penises are involved too.

 

Just in case... let's cut 'em all off!

 

 

Make that proposal during a really bad PMS day, and I just might agree with you...

[carmaenforcer]

In most cases penises are involved too.

 

Just in case... let's cut 'em all off!

 

OUCH!!! I just retracted like a frightened turtle.

 

My ex of 10 years and I used to watch porn together all the time, we each had our own collection of bits and pieces we recorded on tape. Her collection quickly passed mine up. I would give her oral while she watched her favorite scenes and she would do the same for me. Our sex life was great too, doing it all the time, even when she was on her period sometimes because she couldn't wait.

After breaking up because of money issues, we still kept in contact as friends and she later told me how she missed our relationship and how open we were with each other. She told me that her new man was threatened by her watching porn and so she had to hide it. I have the same problem with my new girl, now Wife, but I just stopped watching it all together.

 

Most women have a problem with porn because of the hot women with seemingly no sexual hang-ups. HUGE THREAT to a woman that is not as hot or doesn't do those things for her man. It's not hard to understand why they would have an issue with this type of entertainment in the hands of her man.

It shouldn't be that way, but it is. It bothers me a little when my woman makes a big deal about how hot a certain singer or actor is but I don't try to keep her from listening to Shaun Paul, Eminem or Usher. I just ignore the comments she makes with her friend when a hot guy in on TV or even when a fire truck drives by and they get all excited about the hot firemen that are probably on it.

 

There will always be someone hotter, more sexually adventurous, richer than you out there, doesn't mean that your H or W will necessarily leave you for them.

[Bob Dole]

Bob- I think you completely missed the point I was trying to make in my post. The problem with CPS is there are no fixed guidelines.

 

Thank you for exactly proving my point. You seem to be clearly suggesting in prior posts that, if a child runs across pornography, it is standard policy that the child be removed from the home. As you note, there are no "fixed guidelines." Which all that I was saying.

 

Your suggestion - if that is what you were suggesting - however, is patently absurd. If every child that found a Playboy in his Dad's closet was mandatorily orphaned, we'd need a few million more orphanages. Do we even have orphanages?

 

 

As for your 'proof,' here are some things I found to help you understand what I am talking about. I had a great one that listed cases where kids had been removed for stupid things, for example, the kids were homeschooled and the social worker thought it was emotional abuse. Many where the healthy, happy kids were removed b/c the social worker thought the house was too messy, and one where the kids were removed b/c the family was vegan and the social worker thought feeding kids vegan meals was neglect. I thought I had bookmarked it, but can't find it now, I'll keep looking. But if you care so much, you could just as easily do some googling yourself. The point is, if kids can be taken for being homeschooled by a social worker with an agenda, do you not also think they can be taken b/c they got into their parents porn by accident, if the 'right' social worker came along? Of course they could. I did not come on here originally to pick a fight with anyone or to be called a liar, just to back up someone saying something I have personal experience in. I don't get what all the fuss is about.

 

If your argument here is simply that CPS removes children from homes for silly, arbitrary, and non-sensical reasons far too often, I don't think you'll find much argument. They indeed do; reforms are needed.

 

But it seemed that you were arguing that standard policy was to remove any child who'd found anything resembling pornography from the home. There is no such policy, and even suggesting it is silly. If that isn't what you were suggesting, I apologize.

 

No googling for me; I know the law. You make an assertion, your job to back it up. And for the record - if that *was* your assertion - none of your links supported it.

 

 

As for the IP, I know about them b/c my husband runs a gaming server, and is able to ban troublemakers based on their IP. As far as I know, there is no way to 'hide' it, or troublemakers would do that all the time and not be able to be banned. If I could and did hide my IP, why would I challenge you to check, only to have you see all the above posts have a 'hidden' IP? That makes no sense.

 

 

Now *that* is funny. Go tap your husband on the shoulder. Ask him what the word "proxy" means. He'll explain it to you. Or just go type "anonymous proxy" into Google.

 

I've been banned from many servers - a quick change of proxy fixes that. In 10 seconds, anyone with Google can find an an anonymous proxy server, mask their IP, and appear to be posting/playing from Zimbabwe or Afghanistan.

 

 

If I could and did hide my IP, why would I challenge you to check, only to have you see all the above posts have a 'hidden' IP? That makes no sense.

 

 

Perhaps because you knew exactly what an anonymous proxy is and how absolutely meaningless checking an IP address is .... ?

[Pink_Tulip]

Ya, I definately think there was a HUGE misunderstanding here. My point the entire time was that the reason a child may be taken over this was BECAUSE there are no guidelines, and a social worker running their own agenda has too much power.

 

I guess I am so desensitized I don't see playboy as porn. The scenario I was trying to paint was, say a young boy, 10 years or so, finds dads XXX movies and watches some. He goes to school the next day and in graphic detail tells a friend about it. A teacher overhears, and b/c she is a mandated reporter, calls CPS. Now, the only guideline that exists and would be followed is that if a call came in about a young child talking very graphically about sex, an emergency response worker would be at the home within 72 hours.

 

And you are right, about 99% of the time the parents would be terribly embarassed, the social worker would leave them with a stern warning, and the case would be closed.

 

My point was, if this family was unlucky enough to get a social worker that was totally anti porn, you know the type I am talking about, there is nothing from stopping her from removing the kid, BECAUSE there are no fixed guidelines. This is how social workers get away with removing kids b/c their parents don't keep a clean enough house, or choose to feed them a vegan diet. Now, once this goes to court, who knows what will happen. Most likely a judge will close it and be done with it. But if there were so much common sense in the world, that mother and father from Texas never would have been charged with child pornography and had their child removed b/c of a breast feeding pic. Thats all I was trying to say.

 

I did not try to demonize porn or parents who watched porn, only saying I have seen enough in my line of work that the above scenario is extremely real to me.

 

Like I said, I WORK for CPS, and I am scared about how much power they have over me and my family. About a year ago, my son asked if he could have a camera to take some pics, so I bought him one of those disposable ones. He was outside taking pics, but after a while I heard him and my daughter in the room, taking pics and laughing hysterically. I walk in to see them taking pics of eachothers naked butts. Now, I thought this was pretty darn funny myself, but when they were done with the camera I discreetly exposed the film and threw it away. People who develop film are mandated reporters also, and I can pretty much guarentee you the odds of someone seeing those pics of naked kids butts (my kids were 4 and 6 at the time) and making a call to CPS were pretty high. which would have resulted in the loss of my job, the removal of my kids, tons of money paid on lawyers fees, and the possiblity of me being charged as a sex offender for posessing child porn, making children participate in child porn, let alone me never getting my kids back. And again, there is a presidence for this if you want to look it up. More than one case, unfortunately.

 

As for the IP thing, I'll take your word for it. I really don't care enough about all that to take the time to learn about it. I guess if you want to believe that I am some crazy multiple personality wierdo who pretended to be two people on the same forum about porn, ok. Worse things have been said about me. LOL! I just don't get what you think my motivation would be for doing such a thing? Especially since the other person and I had differing opinions about porn?

[only7201]

so you guys do agree that interaction (whether it be real life or online) with another person is considered cheating?

my boyfriend (he's bi, all his porn/webcam stuff is gay) goes on his webcam and masturbates on yahoo, then he lets other people watch him while watching them. he also emails people on craigslist. im not certain if he's ever met up with anyone (i don't doubt it), but he trades emails with quite a few people.

would you consider this cheating? he's stopped wanting to have sex with me completely because he's doing this so often.

[Pink_Tulip]

Wow, I certainly wouldn't accept that in my relationship. But whether its cheating or not depends on the perameters you two set in YOUR relationship.

 

When you started dating, did he tell you he did this and planned on continuing this behavior? If so, and you continued to date him, I'd say no, its not 'cheating.'

 

If you somehow found out about this, as he had been doing it behind your back, I'd say yes, definately cheating.

 

My personal opinion tho, is it doesn't really matter one way or the other. Get out of the relationship NOW. Why in the world would you stay with this person??

[michelangelo]

Yeah, do you think this guy's a catch?

 

Not me!

 

He's a closet homosexual who is clearly meeting with or about to meet with other reckless seekers.

 

If you want a man who is into women, and you exclusively, then he is not it.

 

Do get tested. I think you are at risk for STDs big time.

 

Dump him to the curb.

[only7201]

well okay, i didn't really give a lot of background information.

alright, we've known each other for about... 9 years and we've been together as a couple for 4. i was the only girl he ever really had feeligns for (not counting like elementary school), at 16 he decided he was gay, then a couple months later we kissed, and have been together ever since. at the age of 15 he started meeting up with men from gay.com, and he had sex with 8 or 9 different guys. when we first got together, i went with him to get tested because there was no way i was taking that risk. he got tested twice over two years, after being exclusively with me, and he was negative for everything.

 

the thing about the porn is that when we got together, i asked him to stop. the yahoo webcam, the gay.com stuff, all the interaction with other men. and he did, and i really did trust him. but then.. well he cheated on me, and in... revenge, i guess, i made out with another guy (no sex, but i can't say the same for him), and we were separated for a couple months. but we'd always been best friends and eventually we just gravitated towards each other again.

 

we moved to a different state and have been living together, on our own, for 2 years now. it is really recently that this problem has come up. well actually, apparently he's been going on cam with guys since the beginning of last year. i only recently figured this out. so yes, he was doing it very much behind my back and trying desperately to hide it.

 

in the last two weeks i've been feeling like i'm gonna lose it and i confronted him (as non-threateningly as possible), and he flat out lied to me about it. so i told him that i knew, and could he please not lie to me, and he said he'd stop. but he has a yahoo name that i "dont know about" and he uses it for email too. unfortunately for me, i have no idea if he's using this e mail for the craigslist thing. craigslist emails have become another favorite past time of his. and he tries to explain it that he's a guy, and guys need to masturbate, which i understand, but this is just like... blatant disrespect for our relationship.

 

also, he's very defensive about it and its extremely hard to talk to him about it. which gives me even more reason to believe that there's more that he's hiding. so i really don't feel i can trust him at all. but i do love him, and he's still affectionate towards me, he just doesn't want the sex. and i really want to try to work this out with him i just don't know how.

 

see, that wouldve been a lot longer post if had explained everything.

[michelangelo]

And just have him as a friend. It is clear that he is actively indulging in homosexual liaisons and is deeply in denial to you.

 

Why do you want to expose yourself to the risk of deadly STDs that he seems fine with?

 

He will never be the man you want him to be. His path is elsewhere.

 

Just be his friend, not his lover. Do you really want to waste your time that you can better spend elsewhere?

[Pink_Tulip]

Thank you for the longer explanation.

 

As to your first question, yes, it definately is cheating. I think most people define cheating as doing something behind your partners back you wouldn't do in front of them.

 

But aside from that, the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you is b/c he is gay. I don't want to sound harsh, b/c I really feel for your situation, but what are you thinking? He's GAY! He will NEVER be able to commit to you and give you the relationship you deserve. If you plan on staying in this relationship, you are setting yourself up for a lot more pain and heartache. He doesn't love you the way you love him, and he never will.

 

Like the above poster said, be friends if you can handle a friendship with him, but end the romantic relationship. Maybe you can help him find a support group or something. He is obviously having problems with accepting his orientation, or he wouldn't have a problem being out and with a man. I feel bad for him too, but the two of you staying together will solve nothing, only make it worse.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Years ago, I found out that my husband regularly looked at porn and dowloaded its movies via the internet. Since that time, we seem to be in a "cycle". Ex. Immediately after being confronted, said hubby, promises to not do it again and is very attentive to needs of wife. Over the course of the next few weeks, hubby gradually withdraws, detatching himself emotionally and physically from wife. Several weeks or months pass as wife begins to feel depressed and lonely due to lack of bonding. Wife gets strong sense that something is wrong, tries harder to bring closeness back into relationship. Hubby further detatches. Hubby gets caught again. So he has broken his promise, he slipped, won't happen again. So cycle would run something like this.

>>>hubby views porn for his own selfish reasons despite how it affects wife

>>>wife finds out he is still veiwing

>>>promises are made, deals are struck and couple make up

>>>marital bond suffers for no apparent reason

 

THEN THE CYCLE REPEATS ITSELF. How does one break this cycle? I can only come up with 2 ways. Hubby stops porn, or the couple seperate.

 

Okay now lets discuss the users attraction to porn. It is a pleasurable, no strings attatched, sexual encounter with different women and or sexual activity. Upon the very first glance at the masterpeice just downloaded comes of course sexual arousal and a huge adrenelin rush (a lot of porn is really intense). He has an ideal, exciting "relationship" -- it is always something new or somebody new, with no hassle...until the OTHER WOMAN...wife finds out. Therefore, wife becomes "bad" guy.

 

Now lets discuss how wife feels when finds said "masterpeice". "Oh my dear God!" My heart races as I too get that adreneline rush, mine for different reasons: I am ANGRY, DEVASTATED, HUMILIATED, JEALOUS and HURT, all at once. Then comes the denial...this can not be happening. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Then comes the realization..Yes it is happening...you pinch yourself, wishing that you were having a really bad dream. Nope, its real. Now that wonderful thing called a brain, begins going haywire...strong feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, isolation, neglect, shame, deception, fear, suspicion and mistrust pour in to mix with the other emotions. Somebody help me! Finding out ellicits the same type of feelings as if hubby had participated in a physical affair with a real person. Then wife mourns. She questions her ability to "measure up", wife mentally compares her body and performance to that which is veiwed and suffers loss of self esteem. Then over time, lie after lie, feelings of being sexually inadequate and unattractive, severe depression and possibly thoughts of or attempted suicide. Yes, these feelings are real. The "computer affair" hubby is having, is very, very real to wife. The loss of trust is devastating. Despite promises, the behavior and lies continue, which leads to further erosion of trust, sexual realtionship suffers. And just as though a true affair had occurred, it results in a loss of intimacy in terms of time and emotions.

 

QUESTION? What is adultery?

 

The best definition that I can come up with is....Having interactive sex with another person.

 

SO HERE IS MY LATEST SAGA

 

Friday night, we are cooking dinner. He has several too many beers. We often cook together. Out of the blue, hubby says, "What do you think about getting a "peter pump"? In astonishment, I exclaim, "what?" was shocked because he had made jokes for weeks about a mutual friend who had bought one. He asks again and I answered, where in the world did you come up with that question? He then said I bet they work. Anyway he would not tell me right then, told me that was pillow talk, couldn't tell me in front of kids(who were 2 rooms away, watching tv). Hmmm. Anyway, after a few more beers for him and dinner, I can't wait to get to bed, I figure he is about to tell me some outrageous story that happened to a co-worker. I bring up the subject, being quite intoxicated, he says what are you talking about, I don't remember that...etc. I snapped, "I knew you were going to do that." He says okay, okay. The other day, I saw this thing on the internet, did you know they make a pump for a female? He described that it causes blood to rush to that area. Man if you could have saw what it did to that p****, it was crazy. Anyway, there were a more graphic details. He said, I could show you, no wait I can't, I deleted it, I'm real careful to do that now, but if you go to google and type in... Next thing I know he is snoring. Therefore, I lie there in shock, at this graphic description of some woman's "bulging" cooter. Hang on evenhaving to think about that enough to type it throws me in a tizzy. Not really sure when I finally fell asleep, but I was awake within 2 hrs, unable to go back to sleep. Every time we have these issues, It severly disrupts my sleep patterns. So, I get up, and find things to stay busy, all the while, I am bombarded by the image of this bulging "thing".

 

So the cycle has begun. My mind races into the morning. By then, I have withdrawn and depressed. Luckily, I have a 13 y/o daughter to care for young siblings, as I don't think I could have made it through the day without her help. I spent most of the day exhausted from lack of sleep, in a daze and avoiding him. Every time I looked at him on Sat., I could only see this bulging cooter staring back at me. Strange how the brain works. So anyway, I just couldn't stand to look at him, must less talk to him. I spent a majority of my day on the internet trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about this. So anyway, he walks by while I am reading and says, "OH NO, NOT THE PORN THING AGAIN!!!". I said" I don't want to talk about it. He says,"And by the way, I'm not an addict, I only do it occassionally!!!" I exclaimed,"Nobody said you were, I am simply trying to learn about something I don't understand and why it causes me such greif." That said, neigher have much to say to the other the rest of the evening. I went to the store to get some wine so I could self medicate. Seemed as good as any other option, I could come up with, I mean he'd already began his consumption of beer around noon. It was going to be a "cold" evening. Decided to pass on dinner, (maybe I could die from starvation from missing a meal...then I wouldn't have to deal with it). Fed children, while I silently continued to drown myself in these images, these feelings and the self pity. Okay, I'm losing it. Gotta get outa here, the kids or hubby can't see me fall apart like this.

 

Drive to 1/4 mi. to the nearest parking lot. Fall apart. I'm 37, 3 kids, been in this "cycle" for 5. How long can I do this? Appr. half of my life is over. Can I do this till then. Wish I were dead. I could just go 85 into a tree, but no, I'd probably be crippled yet live. Rationalize, bad idea. continue to cry and feel sorry for self... We have a gun at home, it'd blow my whole head off, but then what about my children..rationalize some more...God please help me...God shared 3 wonderful children with me, they bring me the most joy in life...many who want children, have none...how can I think such a selfish thought as to take away my children's mother...anyway, suicide for sure is a one way ticket to HELL. So I cry, plea, beg, and pray as I regain my composure and head for home. My son 3y/o, has been watching for me and comes running to the car...mommy, mommy!!! All I could do is thank God for shaking me. This is not the first time within the cycle that suicide seemed a viable option...just the closest thought of.

 

YEAH...I ALREADY FIGURED OUT....I NEED SOME COUSELING...YES, I DO HAVE ISSUES.

 

So anyway, get to bed about 1...even after trying to self medicate with a bottle of wine and being exhausted from lack of sleep last night, up at 3am, can't sleep. Happy to still be breathing, I grab my bible and begin reading and praying. Attended church with children, came home. For now, I have peace. It will be OK. Thank Him again because I am still breathing. So, I have decided that this time, I can just drop it...let it go. The whole episode last night was scary, I don't want to think or talk about it.

 

Well, last night, after dinner, he says alright everyone, bathtime & bedtime, mommy and daddy need to talk. So while kids are getting bathed, he is reading my posts on Loveshack...making sarcastic comments...He begins to attack my posting on LS. Finally, I said, Do not even attack me for seeking info/and or advice...I have NEVER pointed a finger at you and said that what you are doing is bad. The only point I have tried to relay the message of how it hurts and affects me..fact is the only person here it is bothering is me. If he listened to what I told him, I wouldn't have even had to post. I cry and tell him how badly the action makes me feel, and history still repeats. It's always ugly. We almost never argue, except about this.

 

So, he say he doesn't know what to do...he goes to work everyday in a hellhole, and comes home to his wife and family, then gets in trouble for looking at porn. Says I should feel lucky that he doesn't have penthouse laying around in the bathroom and that it was only internet stuff...insinuating that mags are worse. And lucky because he doesn't go out to bars with his buddies or cheat on me. Says it is not a big deal, all guys look at porn. Says it has nothing to do with me. Well, NEWSFLASH.....yes..it does have something to do with me, when in the middle of cooking dinner for our family, he gets this image of the bulging cooter in his head, and mistakenly mentions it. Anyway he told me that he can't promise not to do it again, that we both know it will be a lie. Yep. Therefore, I get to look forward to the next "cycle" and the emotional roller coaster it promises to be, and making it to keep seeing the sun rise.

 

By the way, minus porn, we have a good relationship, we are best friends except for that. Don't know how much longer that will last.

 

Thanks for any insight or thoughts. dp

a life time commitment is something people really need to realize is a sacred promise for life. the thought of divorce flys out of peoples mouths to quick any more. just think it over.

[flavius]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Guest]

I think (just my opinion) Porn is wrong if your married because it is probably a proven fact that if a man is looking at women alot (especially naked or partial ) he will be less and less atracted to his wife ( or if the woman is looking at men) she will be less and less attracted to him,Also do men see this side of it that how would they feel if there wife glanced at men on porn sites or at men at town or at the store and noticed his bulge and wondered how it looked with no clothes on,or what his underwear looked like underneath or how long his thing was or noticed his jeans tight in that area,or how round his D*** looked .....how would he feel walking out of a store with his wife knowing she was checking out guys D**** WELL thats how women feel(ALOT OF WOMEN) when a guy looks at porn or women at all in that way its not jealousy (IT IS DISRESPECTFUL) My opinion is just my opinion but i would tell him you dont want it and for him to stop if he doesnt find a better man (that knows how to treat a woman not lye about s***)You deserve more dont take less.

[Guest]

I had the same in going on in my life. I told him to stop or I was gone. It killed me inside. It went on for 4 years or so, then is the last 5 or 6 weeks I told him its me or the porn. He picked me. If if does love you he will stop. And if he can't stop then you need to find some one that loves you and makes you feel great inside. People said thatI have low self of steam thats why you can't stand it, but I have great self of steam. Don't ever let anyone tell you that its you. Your man needs to see how you feel and stop doing that.

[princess21348]

I just have a question I have had some of the same problems I am trying to work through them but to me if it means nothing harmful to your wife or SO why is it SOOOOOOOOO damn important then? If your wife or SO gives up things for you why is this SOOOOOOOOOOO damn hard to give up? Just don't get it if it's not a very signifgant factor in a relationship which is between 2 ppl?

[Sal Paradise]

I just have a question I have had some of the same problems I am trying to work through them but to me if it means nothing harmful to your wife or SO why is it SOOOOOOOOO damn important then? If your wife or SO gives up things for you why is this SOOOOOOOOOOO damn hard to give up? Just don't get it if it's not a very signifgant factor in a relationship which is between 2 ppl?

 

Its not that its hard to give it up, its that you shouldn't be forced to or even asked to.

 

Of course most of this can be avoided if people would actually talk to each other honestly before they get in too deep in a relationship. Find out where the other stands on issues (including porn watching). I'm always upfront with people I get involved with. I like them to know where I stand and in return I want to know where they stand. This way both know what they're getting into.

 

So my suggestion to guys who watch porn and don't think they should have to drop it because of a relationship would be....

 

Tell her early on. If she knows where you stand and that you won't

compromise on it and then she decides to continue the relationship anyways she will then have no one to blame but herself and no right to ask you to give it up.

 

My suggestion to girls would be....

 

Find out where he stands and let him know where you stand. If you find out he's into porn don't date him. You won't be able to change him. Nor will he quit for you. He will simply get better at hiding it. Find a guy who doesn't watch porn (good luck finding that).

[Guest]

This is princess21348, I did your suggestion I told him on our first date I was not a fan of porn and he said it was NO issue for him he wasn't much into it, just while he was single basically and I feel he had the oppurtunity to say right then if it were an issue, I was very upfront about it. I have since caught him and we hada huge blowup , but it was only while I was pregnant and not often and I'm no longer pregnant we are cleared by the doc to be back in the bedroom and it wasn't so much the porn as that I never saw it coming and he lied and hid it and made me feel very betrayed and anyone would no matter what it was about if u think u have an open and honest relationship and then u find out u don;t no matter what the issue it's communication that needs to happen first. I see that now and I may have handled things a little differently if he might have said that he felt he needed to watch porn for whatever reason and if I understood, If you have a good loving and sexual relation and the people respect each other thats how it should be I can honestly say there is nothing I have ever just went and done that I wasn't sure how he would feel about without us talking about it first and I think when we had our blowup he realized that and how much I respected him and wants to do the same. And one other thing another problem with it was he wasn't taking care of what was at home first which made it seem selfish. Guys PLEASE and I stress PLEASE so this isn't as bad an issue for u TAKE CARE OF YOUR WIFE/SO first, If you need porn to supplement fine, but do not turn her down if she wants it four times a day to do that. ENJOY WHAT U HAVE RIGHT THERE.

[Pink_Tulip]

Hey Princess, sorry to see you still going through this. I think you did the right thing by establishing your boundries up front, in the beginning, and I don't have a terribly high opinion of him for lying to you about it.

 

However, since this has been going on for so long, I think you only have a few options. Counseling in the hopes of coming to a compromise would be the best bet. If he won't, you need to decide if you are going to just accept it for your own peace of mind, or not accept it and leave. Staying and being angry isn't healthy for anyone, and I am sure is misery for you.

[princess21348]

Nah I think we talked through it and He is the greatest guy I have ever met this episode aside and He never wanted to I have to beleive that after he saw how bad it hurt me and affected me it's not something he would do again. Now we are moving on to another problem lol not something we are fighting about just an issue we are discussing. I really think it was mostly communication he is finally seeing that it is a whole lot better to open up and be up front with me than to let me find out u lied and hid things from me, Can't stand lying. So anyway things are looking much better thanks. Just talking things out helps

[IrishRod]

If one sticks with the dictionary definition of adultery your husband did not cheat. However, the fact that he was doing this without your knowledge is dishonest and should be dealt with.

 

I have gone to counselors myself and it is commonly accepted that it is hardwired into men that they "need" to mate with more than one woman at a time, providing offspring for the survival of the race. Porn can be a very useful tool in satisfying this urge.

 

I hope everything works out for you

[Guest]

I don't think your problem is the porn. You have three kids, lots of chores, been married for a long time and your life is boring. The bottle of wine tells me everything. You're running away from your problems. Your husband too. You just rely on this porn thing cuz that (together with your kids) seems to be the only constant thing in your life. You want it to be the only problem. You actually have a nice marriage, but you're angry all the time. You need a therapist to help you find out where this anger comes from. Abuse in the childhood maybe?

You should try and work on your life - find things that will make you happy a few times a week. That will give you strength to feel good most of the time. You should forget the wine that brings ugly and aggressive thoughts in your mind. So what if your husband watches porn occasionally? What's the big deal? If he makes love to you a few times a week, that is what marriage is...as if you (or anyone of us) don't know.

 

 

You have no idea what you're talking about. I have gone through identical situation and reading her description of her feelings, was like reading about myself. Those feelings are real, just some people, like you, choose to ignore the part where porn is cheating because he imagines himself with someone else, which makes you not good enough for him. Why can't he think about you? If you acknowledge the feelings, such as being not good enough for someone you've been sharing your life with. You start to feel like an object, he gets his "hot" fix online, but when he performs with you most likely those images rush through his head. Then it is not love making, you're just being used as an object. How would you like to be sharing your relationship with other women, and "competing" everyday, and feeling that maybe eventually he'll COMPLETELY bored with you and go seeking someone else.

[flavius]

Thank you, Guest, for clarfying what is going through the mind of this woman's husband while he makes love to her (makes love to her FREQUENTLY, I should add.) Of course the fact that he likes to look at strangers getting nasty (one of nature's most arresting sights) must necessarily mean that he views his wife an an object, and he is probably hoping to use her for such depraved purposes as oral sex or even worse. (If he hints that he wishes for more passion in his marriage it is a positive sign that has grown warped and perverted.) Obviously he's just biding his time until a "better object" comes along. For crying out loud, EVERY man whose wife is not Britney Spears is just itching to s***-can her and replace her with a bimbo, so it's pretty obvious that this man is worse yet.

 

Guest I agree with you! The best course of action for this lady is to become paranoid and hostile toward her husband. She should feel sexless and worthless and meaningless. In fact, she should become such an insufferable, melancholy and frigid shrew that all of her worst fears will be realized as quickly as possible. Then she can complain all through a messy divorce and explain to the children what a perverted monster their Daddy is. Maybe she should get a restraining order in advance, because he's probably sexually abusing them, and maybe even the family dog, and...and...and shoot, he may also be planning to murder her and pee on her grave -- why ELSE would he enjoy watching attractive strangers having noisy sex?? It is all very clear.

 

Porn addiction is a serious threat to a marriage. The only threat as sinister that I know of is sick, self-righteous wallowing in judgementalism. It's kind of like emotional masturbation with a ball-gag in your mouth. Some women get off fantasizing about being violently raped. Well, I suppose that some other women get off on projecting terrible sins into the souls of the man that they "love." That's cool! You can reject and abandon your husband AND STILL TELL EVERYONE ELSE IT'S HIS FAULT! After all, porn is bad, and the other ladies will all agree with you.

 

Oh well, maybe it is Record Producer I agree with after all. Thanks for helping me work through it! How do you edit one of these posts, anyway?

[flavius]

Good luck Princess. The man you describe sounds like one who loves you for real. Don't worry, you're not "competing" with the women in the video any more than he should worry that he is competing with the MAN in the video (most of whom are endowed with near-magical sexual powers he could never match.)

 

All men like ALL attractive women. It doesn't mean that we WANT them, or that we don't love our wives uniquely and passionately.

 

A word to the wise, all you gals out there. The one kind of woman that ALL men hate is the MISERABLE woman. We like to believe that our love accomplishes something wholesome and good, and the perpetually and incurably miserable wife makes us want to fling our impotent selves out of the nearest window.