Hopeful30 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It will intimidate some men, but not the men you'd actually want to date. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It depends on whether or not you can balance that out with a healthy dose of feminine charm. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It depends on what you mean by a big personality. It is a very relative term. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 IME, men like balance. Of course dependent on man and life path, a lot of us battle things out every day in the world, intellectually or emotionally or physically and often all three, and we do value and enjoy a safe haven in our intimate relationships where we can disconnect from the battles of the day and relax. I was role modeled into this balance by a strong personality who knew the time and place for 'hard' and for 'soft' when it came to 'handling' her husband. His comforts were attended to when he returned home from the battles of the 'suits' and she stowed any opinions of the day, matters at hand, including the discipline of yours truly, until he had relaxed and, then, worked them in. To me, I saw this as teamwork, where each partner valued and respected the strengths of the other and worked to those strengths and used the same formula to shore up weaknesses, as each of us has those as well. Each couple handles those dynamics uniquely since each couple has unique persons and creates a unique partnership from those persons. I have friends where the wife lays into the husband when he gets home and he just ignores her, not in a bad way, rather an emotionally disconnected way, and that works for them. Or the reverse, meaning reversing the genders. Some guys bring their work home with them, emotionally, some don't. I'm mentioning work because work and career are the two largest time and emotional sucks people deal with and the area where quantum social change has occurred during my lifetime, in that far more women are out there battling in the work world today too. It all comes down to balance. If the balance is or feels off, and the guy isn't locked in with kids and a bunch of financial and social feelings of responsibility, he'll go. Usually, he has such feelings because they are socialized into him from before he could remember anything, so they're hard to let go of, and men in general are socialized to ignore pain, both physical and emotional. Perhaps that's changing, IDK. I used to enjoy the now old and outdated saying my mom once used, being a SAHM but having a strong personality. She acknowledged that father was 'head' of the household but she was the 'neck' and she knew exactly how and when and in which direction to 'turn the head'. True 'dat! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? Can you give examples of too honest, too forward, too blunt? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Neither men nor women enjoy extreme bluntness. Now, I came from a family of bluntness and had to learn to temper myself in my 20s and still am a long way from subtle. Even after I tempered it, at work I settled into "directness," and there were always at least a few employees who could not handle my directness. So now when I start a job and they ask that question what is your flaw, I tell them I consider it both an asset and a flaw, but that some people can't handle my directness. It's not easy to change ways you've been every since you were a child, but if it's holding you back in some way across the board, you can start trying to temper and change it to a more acceptable level. Men love women with big personalities, but it depends on the personality. A friend of mine, all men love her and she' has a huge personality, flirtatious, flits about the room making jokes, etc. But most people don't want to be around someone overbearing and bossy on a personal level. Most people don't want to be around someone who will be blunt and say "I used to think you were ugly, but now that your acne has cleared up you're starting to look halfway decent." Most people also don't want to be around someone who cusses all the time and not just when it's called for. I can only advise you count to 5 before you open your mouth and ask yourself how you'd like it if someone said it to you. And if you are one of those people who believe that if it's the truth, you should say it, you need to unlearn that because that is just wrong and hurtful and besides you're not the judge of that the truth is. You can make some effort and take some rough edges off and your core personality will still be plenty evident, and of course some men will be afraid of you. Many men were intimidated by me. I didn't want those men anyway. But if you're like many women, you may be a little rough on the outside and a big mush on the inside and if that's true, you need to start working to show more much and less bluster. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Just a guess, but I'm assuming based on your other threads that you probably use your bluntness to keep some people at arms length. You hit them with what they don't want to hear so they won't bother you with their attention and affection. I can be very blunt and opinionated, I've been called annoying on more than one occasion, but if I like the person I try to balance that out with some warmness and affection after every time I'm blunt. And most of the time it works out fine and we stay on good terms. Most people find that kind of personality way more appealing than some wet noodle who just says what everyone wants to hear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 So do some don't. Just like some people like vanilla ice cream & others chocolate. Nobody likes a bully or somebody who wields bluntness like a club. Tact is important. So is kindness. Being straightforward is fine. A number of people told me similar things so I sent a message out there: I wanted a good guy who was strong enough to let me be weak. DH is awesome in that respect. He lets me do my thing, I'm the planner etc & he's happy to go with the flow but if I am falling apart he's right there & on the rare occasion when he says No, I know it's no & that's OK 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? Lucille Ball had a big personality and didn't have too much trouble finding a mate Men are sometimes intimidated by a woman's success, education, social status, etc. But sometimes those women rub their successes, etc. in a man's face and it's ego-driven. They are trying to convey the message that they are just as good as the men and probably don't need them and they've almost dropped their feminine side. They come across as over-confident and too independent. If a man wants a relationship, he will want a successful woman who is independent and confident, but not egotistical or so independent as to not need a man. And, they want them to be feminine and sexy on top of all that. Men want to be needed by their partners and there should be balance. They also don't want a woman who acts more like a man. And, they don't like to be made to feel less intelligent or to have their opinions invalidated. There isn't anything wrong with a woman who is honest, forward or blunt as long as it doesn't come across as over-confidence and/or disrespectful of the other person's opinions or feelings. I wouldn't say it's about a man feeling intimidated, but it might just be annoying. If I may be so blunt You can be honest and frank about your opinions, ideas, etc. It's about how they are delivered. If it's an in-your-face kinda thing, that puts a lot of people off, not just men. That being said, there is someone for everyone and no one should suggest that you change because you need or want a man. Just be the best you! You are awesome. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Some people will like your personality, some won't. Try gravitating towards those who like you for who you are. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Lucille Ball had a big personality and didn't have too much trouble finding a mate Yeah, but she had to do an awful lot of 'splainin. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? sure it could Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Over and over people tell me that my personality is too big and it scares men away. Im too honest, too forward and too blunt. This couldnt possibly intimidate men...could it? Maybe it does. The question is should you change? I'd ask that question regardless of how men feel about it. People who are "too honest, too forward, and too blunt" are often that way for reasons I think aren't so good. Sometimes your insensitivity is more about something in you and has little to do with the other person. You see it on the forums many times. "It's ok because I'm offering tough love." Maybe. Or maybe "giving tough love" is just a pseudonym for "being an assh*le." Some people just look for opportunities to be assh*les. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Men who have a need to be in control would be intimated or turned off. Or men who are afraid to step on another person's toe could be also. I actually like women who aren't reserved, are able to challenge things they don't agree with, but can also take being challenged themselves as well. I've met women to have no problem stating their mind on something they don't agree it, but the moment I did it to them, I somehow committed a crime and they would get all upset, go figure 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I'm really forward and blunt and have a big personality, too. I'm also one of the nicest people ever, according to people who know me. When I'm around friends, family, etc. I'm myself. They love me for who I am. My partner wouldn't have me any other way. I balance him out. On the other hand, I have learned to not always be that way in the workplace, and to be careful of what I say, but the workplace and finding a partner aren't the same thing. Some men will be intimidated. Some won't. Some men will love you for you, just as you are. Don't change who you are for anyone else. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Yeah, but she had to do an awful lot of 'splainin. I LOVE Lucille Ball! She was a true pioneer in television for women, both as actresses and behind the scenes. The 'I Love Lucy Show' wouldn't have happened, had she not been ballsy, outspoken, self-assured, a real people person, and not afraid to stand up for herself. Lucille Ball quotes: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one. Women's Lib? Oh, I'm afraid it doesn't interest me one bit. I've been so liberated it hurts. How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them. I've always been direct and honest with everyone in my life. But not in a blunt, insensitive way. I use humor to diffuse tension and make people feel more comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Does that mean I'm an insensitive narcissist? Um, no it doesn't. I've met people who are blunt in a mean, cutting sort of way. I'm the complete opposite of that where my direct approach to conversation is concerned. I find it a good way to suss out people who I can call 'friend.' My friends accept that I am the loud one at the party, who likes to entertain and tell jokes and be sarcastic. Quiet is not my nature, never has been. Sometimes I can overdo it around really introverted people, with my high energy but it's never intentional on my part. Sometimes, I just can't help it. I don't go out of my way to be mean to people. That's just not my style. I tend to be attracted to introverted men, because when I try to date extroverted men, it becomes a stand up comedy competition of 'who can outwit the other' with pithy remarks and sarcasm. I love that, but it doesn't always work for me in a romantic way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I'm sure many here would laugh, but despite appearances, I do have a bit of a personality. I'm feisty, I'm sassy. I think that at times it can intimidate. But I tone that down during the appropriate situations. Show softness, sensitivity during a private one on one with others. Speak quietly yet deliberately. Then in an instant, back to a lighthearded situation and I'll be sassy and witty once again. It brings laughter, and I love that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DoesntGetIt Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It really is about balance. There was a woman I was with who I probably enjoyed my time with more than anyone I'd been with before, unfortunately it didn't work out. She was tough, crass at times, loved to give me **** (which is pretty much a requirement of mine for dating. I'm going to give ****, and I want someone who can laugh with that and give it back as well), etc. Her way of flirting was to punch me in the chest or kick me in the ass. Out and about she was not affectionate, didn't even like to hold hands or really touch out in public. But inside? Cuddly, sweet, affectionate, loving, and we'd have real conversations that could go for hours. That type of balance was perfect in my eyes. I enjoyed the blunt, independent, tough side as well as the cuddle up sweet side. 100% of either just isn't interesting enough to me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I dated a few type A, loud mouth types who thought they were all that and a bag of chips. None of the relationships lasted more than 4 dates, i couldn't take any more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Maybe it does. The question is should you change? I'd ask that question regardless of how men feel about it. People who are "too honest, too forward, and too blunt" are often that way for reasons I think aren't so good. Sometimes your insensitivity is more about something in you and has little to do with the other person. You see it on the forums many times. "It's ok because I'm offering tough love." Maybe. Or maybe "giving tough love" is just a pseudonym for "being an assh*le." Some people just look for opportunities to be assh*les. I was told that I was "too honest" when I was a lot nicer in general. It isn't always about saying something potentially hurtful to another person. Hope, it depends on who is saying it, and why. I know that I am less patient now, and if I see someone being an *******, I can be quick to respond - my own mood depending on just how much of one I am in response. I know that I feel better when I don't respond in kind, but I loathe the idea that I'm supposed to be that way, because I'm a woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Both Phoe and DoesntGetIt brought up a great point about balance. That is great advice. Like I said, I know that when I'm going to be around introverted people I need to adjust my 'outspoken' meter to fit whatever the situation is so that everyone is comfortable. Yet, when I'm around friends and family who know me, I can be myself 100%. Edited March 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed reference to deleted posts ~T 3 Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 There is a key difference to being outspoken, and to always having to feel you are always right. I was married to the latter. A person that always feel they are right is a closed minded individual and would not be attractive in my eye. I like a strong women and want one in my mind, but not a stubborn bull. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I've always been known as the woman who is blunt, honest and extremely forward. But I'm not like that around people I don't know well. I am usually very sweet and kind around them. Around the people I know well, I am very blunt and honest. To be honest if a man can't deal with that, that's not my problem. I wouldn't change my personality for anyone. Thankfully my current boyfriend loves that I'm opinionated, honest and very forward. He likes that I'll call him on his crap. He likes that I challenge him. We balance each other out. He's more quiet and reserved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 OP, ignore the personality bashing going on in this thread because it's irrelevant to who you are as a person. Both Phoe and DoesntGetIt brought up a great point about balance. That is great advice. Like I said, I know that when I'm going to be around introverted people I need to adjust my 'outspoken' meter to fit whatever the situation is so that everyone is comfortable. Yet, when I'm around friends and family who know me, I can be myself 100%. ^^^ This is what I do when I'm around certain types of personalities; I adjust myself accordingly so that the people I'm talking to feel comfortable around me and feel comfortable approaching me. I'm an outspoken and gregarious person by nature, so when I'm around someone who seems to be (or glaringly IS) introverted or shy, I tone it down a bit until I see that they feel comfy being more open with me and talking to me. I don't have to do this, it's something that I want to do. I like making people feel comfortable and relaxed. . Link to post Share on other sites
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