Why do you go with MM

[aws]

I agree with many replies that this answer is not simple to generalise. The psychology of people and relationships is complex. For someone who has never cheated or been presented with a situation where they could unknowingly cheat, or an opportunity to knowingly cheat, it can be hard to understand and hatred can develop. I know this first hand because my mom cheated on my dad and I never understood it or forgave her until I got older.

 

 

The OW as she is called, might not even have known she was an OW because she had been mislead or lied to in the beginning. She might have been told man is separated, divorced, or going through a divorce process. She may not know he is with someone. He might say he needs support from her as a way of further emotional games. OR, he may genuinely been in that situation (e.g. long term separation) and the dating may seem valid. How is plays out is another story but answer to why is multifactorial.

 

 

Also, people have different life experiences that mould their view of the world. They may not have been shown a healthy relationship, or what is conventionally thought of as healthy. For their way of life, culture, upbringing, beliefs and moral values, it may be healthy, we can't always be the judge. They could have had a forced marriage, or a love-marriage which isn't working out and they feel weak and broken when someone else comes along. The problem is when people start getting seriously hurt and they do not even examine their own beliefs and values.

 

 

Other times she may know and not care - he (the MM) may not either. Then you may wonder - what are people really about? Then you might have a situation where the spouse/partner knows but accepts it, or they are also cheating. This is a situation of different belief systems, moral values and how much of the beliefs are shared amongst each party. If the belief systems and moral values of the couple are not in line, then they open themselves (voluntarily or otherwise) to vulnerability from outside. These are not excuses, I am certainly no expert but this is my offering.. I feel it is extremely complicated.

[I4givehim]

There is no time line on healing and moving forward.

 

You have to let yourself go through the emotions. Don't let him demand that you 'get over it' nor down play HIS role in this. HE made the choice to seek out a woman to have an affair with. HE was the one married to you. You can feel whatever you want about the OW; but she isn't who you are living with and are married to. HE is.

 

Let yourself feel what you are feeling. Time is the only thing that will heal you. It may take weeks/months/years...and you may never again trust him or feel 'safe' with him. And that's okay. Just don't rush yourself or feel that you must be 'over it' by next month. What HE did is wrong on every level and if HE can't or won't let you work this out in your own time, then HE isn't worth your love.

 

Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Oh it's all about ME!!!!! Thank you for your kind caring words of wisdom. I wish someone would tell me what to do and promises me everything will be fine.....

[SleekArchitecture]

Thank you for your help. I have posted elsewhere. I am sorry if I offended anybody. I was only trying to understand. Also I want women to know they deserve better then to be 2nd choice. Women should stick together and have each others back instead of stabbing each other in the back by sleeping with their husband/boyfriend. Thanks

 

You are not sorry that you offended anyone because you keep making snide comments. Calling OW whores and second best, not once but I believe twice. Etiquette lessons 101 do not offend, apologize, and offend again, and use the salad fork...protest too much.

[Riri90]

I wouldn't focus on the OWs motives for being "second best" as you put it. You haven't told the story yet so correct me if I am wrong but you don't know what the OW was told or led to believe. Maybe your H told her he was single or getting divorced? Maybe he didn't make her feel second best or like a whore.

 

What you should focus on is your H and his motives for what he has done. That's really all that matters in the big picture, the long run. By the time you both dig deep into painful reconciliation, the OW won't matter or why she did what she did.

 

You need to be preparing for a raw, truthful and possibly hurtful reconciliation process if you are choosing to stay. It is not easy to reconcile but coming here asking questions that really make no difference then taking rude shots at OW is not helpful toward your healing at all. I understand your anger but it needs to be focused and concentrated in your H direction. I know people HATE to hear it but he really is the only one who owes you anything. Facts.

[Poppy47]

I ask myself that question every day. WHY!!! He said that I was busy working. I wasn't there for him.

Perhaps that's the truth, do you think?

 

You haven't elaborated a lot on your story.

Poppy

[SolG]

Thank You for your help. My husband takes full responsibility. He said he doesn't know what came over him.

 

He felt as if I had left him a long time ago. I am will never look at him the same way again. I will never trust him. The spark is gone. I hope this counselor we are seeing can do miracles.

 

OP, do you see what your WH has done there? I've separated your post into two parts to make it clearer.

 

On one hand he's saying to you it's all his fault and he takes full responsibility... But then there's the switcharoo where he implies it's YOUR fault because he feels like you left him long ago :-/

 

That last bit is not true. Yes you are a part of the M and responsible for your part in that system, but YOU are in NO WAY responsible for his A. That was entirely of his choosing and nothing to do with you. Don't let him make it so. If you swallow that line of thinking you'll be forever questioning yourself, where at this point the spotlight should be firmly on your H and questioning his intrinsic motivation for having an A.

 

I can only answer your question from my own POV and can't speak on behalf of all OW. For me, the slide into an A with a MM was a slow insidious one. One small compromise led to another, then to another... Then a larger one, then a bigger one again... No excuses, I knew it was wrong. I became emotionally enmeshed and didn't want to stop. Then we future faked about being together and reinforced the bond. And I managed to suspend reality and beleived it would be true despite my logic telling me otherwise.

 

Bottom line though... I stayed with MM because I wanted to. And in my A, as it is in your H's, that is a reflection of my xMM and my poor choices; in no way does any fault or culpability in relation to the A itself lay with his W.

[SleekArchitecture]

Over in the infidelity board, there is a long thread from a MM who cheated and his wife found out, titled, "Wife found out about Affair," it may help you get a glimpse deep inside the mind of a man who cheated.

 

You may find similarities and most importantly, it may help you with your own questions for your husband to determine if what he says is true if you decide to reconcile.

[ComingInHot]

Your H was wrong to cheat ( no matter the excuses, reasons or selfishness)

 

The OW was wrong to have sex with a MM (no matter the reasons, lies, excuses etc...)

 

You have an enemy OP.

And right now your enemy is Hate. Your hurt has turned to rage and hate and is looking for a target.

Make sure you have good aim and then target Your H.

Unfortunately, the ow most often takes the position of 'not my problem, I'm not the cheater, he risked his Marriage, family, life to have sex with Me so I am special - and OP, She IS Special, Wife must Not be special because jackhole cheated - a personal fav). With the ow's needed view on their sleeping with MM,you have no choice but to face the one committed to You.

 

In a nice world ow's/om's would respect the marriage of a man and woman. In a nice world spouses would decline the invitation to bump and grind with others outside the marriage and they most certainly wouldn't instigate it.

 

That world doesn't exist and those Good people are in the minority.

 

So what are you going to do OP. How about just take one day at a time and know that You are waaaay more worthy of a cheating Husband and a woman vying for 2nd place in hopes to win 1st.

CiH*

[SleekArchitecture]

Your H was wrong to cheat ( no matter the excuses, reasons or selfishness)

 

The OW was wrong to have sex with a MM (no matter the reasons, lies, excuses etc...)

 

You have an enemy OP.

And right now your enemy is Hate. Your hurt has turned to rage and hate and is looking for a target.

Make sure you have good aim and then target Your H.

Unfortunately, the ow most often takes the position of 'not my problem, I'm not the cheater, he risked his Marriage, family, life to have sex with Me so I am special - and OP, She IS Special, Wife must Not be special because jackhole cheated - a personal fav). With the ow's needed view on their sleeping with MM,you have no choice but to face the one committed to You.

 

In a nice world ow's/om's would respect the marriage of a man and woman. In a nice world spouses would decline the invitation to bump and grind with others outside the marriage and they most certainly wouldn't instigate it.

 

That world doesn't exist and those Good people are in the minority.

 

So what are you going to do OP. How about just take one day at a time and know that You are waaaay more worthy of a cheating Husband and a woman vying for 2nd place in hopes to win 1st.

CiH*

 

Yes, keep up the offending OW on a OW board. Get your digs in. You are generalizing OW. We are not good people, whores, again second best and hoping to win 1st. My ex mentioned it was the wrong women but right time and he wished he had never married. Now many residences, expenses, children, in laws, friends, he feels stuck.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, do you see what your WH has done there? I've separated your post into two parts to make it clearer.

 

On one hand he's saying to you it's all his fault and he takes full responsibility... But then there's the switcharoo where he implies it's YOUR fault because he feels like you left him long ago :-/

 

That last bit is not true. Yes you are a part of the M and responsible for your part in that system, but YOU are in NO WAY responsible for his A. That was entirely of his choosing and nothing to do with you. Don't let him make it so. If you swallow that line of thinking you'll be forever questioning yourself, where at this point the spotlight should be firmly on your H and questioning his intrinsic motivation for having an A.

 

I can only answer your question from my own POV and can't speak on behalf of all OW. For me, the slide into an A with a MM was a slow insidious one. One small compromise led to another, then to another... Then a larger one, then a bigger one again... No excuses, I knew it was wrong. I became emotionally enmeshed and didn't want to stop. Then we future faked about being together and reinforced the bond. And I managed to suspend reality and beleived it would be true despite my logic telling me otherwise.

 

Bottom line though... I stayed with MM because I wanted to. And in my A, as it is in your H's, that is a reflection of my xMM and my poor choices; in no way does any fault or culpability in relation to the A itself lay with his W.

 

Fantastic post.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your H was wrong to cheat ( no matter the excuses, reasons or selfishness)

 

The OW was wrong to have sex with a MM (no matter the reasons, lies, excuses etc...)

 

You have an enemy OP.

And right now your enemy is Hate. Your hurt has turned to rage and hate and is looking for a target.

Make sure you have good aim and then target Your H.

Unfortunately, the ow most often takes the position of 'not my problem, I'm not the cheater, he risked his Marriage, family, life to have sex with Me so I am special - and OP, She IS Special, Wife must Not be special because jackhole cheated - a personal fav). With the ow's needed view on their sleeping with MM,you have no choice but to face the one committed to You.

 

In a nice world ow's/om's would respect the marriage of a man and woman. In a nice world spouses would decline the invitation to bump and grind with others outside the marriage and they most certainly wouldn't instigate it.

 

That world doesn't exist and those Good people are in the minority.

 

So what are you going to do OP. How about just take one day at a time and know that You are waaaay more worthy of a cheating Husband and a woman vying for 2nd place in hopes to win 1st.

CiH*

 

I'm sorry you see it this way.

 

I have read your posts for years CiH, and actually am surprised as I thought you were not one of the automatic OW haters.

[ComingInHot]

Yes, keep up the offending OW on a OW board. Get your digs in. You are generalizing OW. We are not good people, whores, again second best and hoping to win 1st. My ex mentioned it was the wrong women but right time and he wished he had never married. Now many residences, expenses, children, in laws, friends, he feels stuck.

 

I think you misread. I defended ow/om even though I don't agree with any aspect of cheating. Akso said to direct herself towards her H.

 

maybe your conscious is having you leap to the defensive? I would understand that too. It's okay and expected to feel that way just as the betrayed spouse is okay and expected to feel how they do.

 

instead of 'defending' yoyr position as 'ow', help the OP to see your struggles without anfst, knowing she hurts just as you do.

CiH*

[gettingstronger]

The best advice you have received is the truest, focus on you and your husband not your OW.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think you misread. I defended ow/om even though I don't agree with any aspect of cheating. Akso said to direct herself towards her H.

 

maybe your conscious is having you leap to the defensive? I would understand that too. It's okay and expected to feel that way just as the betrayed spouse is okay and expected to feel how they do.

 

instead of 'defending' yoyr position as 'ow', help the OP to see your struggles without anfst, knowing she hurts just as you do.

CiH*

 

I don't think I misread, and I know that I didn't defend my position as "ow". Jeez. This is the OW forum. We are trying to help!

[SleekArchitecture]

I think you misread. I defended ow/om even though I don't agree with any aspect of cheating. Akso said to direct herself towards her H.

 

maybe your conscious is having you leap to the defensive? I would understand that too. It's okay and expected to feel that way just as the betrayed spouse is okay and expected to feel how they do.

 

instead of 'defending' yoyr position as 'ow', help the OP to see your struggles without anfst, knowing she hurts just as you do.

CiH*

 

I never defended any position; I merely pointed out all the slurs and demeaning comments such as whore, not good people, waaay better as if we are scum. I would have gladly wrote something of substance, had I not read whore and other tasteless comments.

 

I take great offense to gaslighting as if I do not see the reality of the situation at hand.

 

I understand she is hurting and I do hope she finds peace and happiness, but she is not the BS in my circumstance, so because affairs are very individual, it is difficult for me to give her info that may be relevant to her own situation.

[ComingInHot]

I never defended any position; I merely pointed out all the slurs and demeaning comments such as whore, not good people, waaay better as if we are scum. I would have gladly wrote something of substance, had I not read whore and other tasteless comments.

 

I take great offense to gaslighting as if I do not see the reality of the situation at hand.

 

I understand she is hurting and I do hope she finds peace and happiness, but she is not the BS in my circumstance, so because affairs are very individual, it is difficult for me to give her info that may be relevant to her own situation.

 

 

This point is valuable for all bs's to know... the ow/om on ls are most likely NOT the one the married cheaters slept with!!

So getting insight can be difficult for the bs when hurt and angry and seeking to understand. It's so Easy for the ow/om to blame the bs and so easy for the bs to blame the ow/om.

Nobody wants to think that the object of their love is to blame or betrayed their spoyse all by themselves.

There's no romance in that theory for either party.

 

Cheating is still sucky to participate in though and I'm sticking to that. But ya'll kniw that by now.

nothing to do with 'ow hating' at all pretty much eons past that..

carry on all.

CiH*

[SleekArchitecture]

This point is valuable for all bs's to know... the ow/om on ls are most likely NOT the one the married cheaters slept with!!

So getting insight can be difficult for the bs when hurt and angry and seeking to understand. It's so Easy for the ow/om to blame the bs and so easy for the bs to blame the ow/om.

Nobody wants to think that the object of their love is to blame or betrayed their spoyse all by themselves.

There's no romance in that theory for either party.

 

Cheating is still sucky to participate in though and I'm sticking to that. But ya'll kniw that by now.

nothing to do with 'ow hating' at all pretty much eons past that..

carry on all.

CiH*

 

Most of what I have gained insight about the majority of OW here is that we do not have any idea how we allowed ourselves to get messed up in the situation. It is not as if we were wearing a trench coat, naked underneath, seducing and chasing a married man around until he was finally exhausted and defeated and surrendered to seduction.

 

In most cases, I believe as in mine, the man pursues relentlessly, and it is probably exactly or a very similar scenario in which the BS had fallen for him when dating. The MM denies and diminishes the marriage, plays the conflicted victim. I do not know; it could and may be different for others and how their affair began.

[whichwayisup]

I ask myself that question every day. WHY!!! He said that I was busy working. I wasn't there for him.

 

Oh boo hoo hoo! He's a grown man! That's such a lame and pitiful excuse, trying to put the blame on you. Like you held a gun to his head and physically made him cheat. What an ass.

 

Until he owns up to his stupid and selfish choices, and shows genuine remorse, there's no point in even trying to talk to him or fix things.

[cocorico]

I have to ask why do you go with MM? I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for over a year. I wonder why any women would want to be put 2nd in any relationship.

 

Then you ought to be asking the BW, because she was the one who was 2nd (or even further back, after friends, family, work, the house, and a thing else cared about), certainly not the OW. I was definitely first, and he showed me time and again... and still keeps showing me, to this day. Why she wanted to cling, even through the D, even after her kids wanted nothing more to do with her - who knows? I guess self-respect and self-esteem aren't everybody's strong point.

 

Why do OW "go" with MM? Why not ask instead why BW "stay" with MM, when it's clear they're not being loved or respected the way they want. That's something you can actually do something about, rather than wondering what it was your H was giving to some OW that had her happy to hang around. She was obviously getting enough of what she wanted. If you weren't, then that's what you need to be focusing on - not some other woman's relationship which isn't your business.

[Genieve]

The best advice you have received is the truest, focus on you and your husband not your OW.

I agree. Your OW is not the problem it's your H...

 

By the way my Mm spun the line to his BS about not being there and working all the time. So she gave up work and when I saw him... He looked really depressed. So he got karma.

[Robert]

thread closed since we all can't play nice, thanks all who posted to the topic