hamster-girl Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Hey folks. I was dumped recently and found this forum looking for solice. I wont bore you with my story, but lately I was thinking about the mindset of the “dumper” post break ups. Having been both the “dumpee” and “dumper” in the past from long term relationships, I have some experience from both sides. I thought about the emotional stages I’ve been through when “dumping” and the stages I’ve seen from ex partners when being “dumped”. Below are a few stages I believe the “dumper” may go through after they’ve left the “dumpee”… Stage One - Relief If your partner’s left you, the first thing they’re probably feeling is relief. It’s not easy leaving someone, and you’d usually need a good reason to do so. Once the dumper has officially left their partner, it’s as if a weight is lifted from their shoulders. All of the things that were wrong with the relationship and making them unhappy are suddenly inconsequential. It’s over and they feel released from their unhappiness. Stage Two - Guilt Unless the dumpee was a truly terrible partner, i.e. physically or emotionally abusive, the dumper may then feel somewhat guilty over leaving their partner. Breaking up with someone can be the most devastating thing you could do to a person. The dumper is basically telling the dumpee that they aren’t good enough for them. That’s incredibly painful, the dumpee can’t help but that it personally. In order to ease the guilt, the dumper may try to reassure the dumpee that they still care about them and try to explain themselves and their reasons for leaving. They may offer friendship and keep in touch with the dumpee to check they’re ok. I think this is a reason for the initial “breadcrumb” contact from the dumper. Stage Three - Missing After the dust settles and the dumper is used to life without their ex-partner, they may miss them. That’s not to say they miss the relationship, but only the dumpee as a person. Perhaps they miss the friendship, the sex, the companionship, the shared history. They’ve come to terms with the fact the dumpee is no longer around for them as they used to be, and that can be upsetting. Again, the dumper may reach out to the dumpee with “breadcrumbs” to rekindle what they miss about their old relationship. However, they still believe they’ve made the right decision in leaving their partners and aren’t considering reconciliation. The dumper wants the best of both worlds - the have what they miss about the dumpee without having the relationship with them. Stage Four - Reconciliation After a period of time, and perhaps going through the above stages, the dumper realises they’ve made a mistake in leaving their ex-partners. They miss the relationship, not just the dumpee as a person, or one particular aspect of the relationship. This is where they try to reconcile the relationship, apologise for making a mistake and ask for the dumpee back. All of this is just my opinion based on experience. I’m not saying every dumper goes through those stages - and definitely not all of them. The dumper may feel relief and then guilt… then nothing else. Or they may start to miss their ex-partner, but never consider reconciliation because they still feel like they’ve done the right thing. I feel breaking down what the dumper may be feeling into these stages helps the dumpee, especially when dealing with “breadcrumbs”. According to the above stages, these messages of “hope you’re ok” or even “I miss you” don’t mean the dumper wants to get back together at all. They simply mean the dumper is feeling guilty or miss their ex-partner, and nothing more. It also reinforces the only thing that works for the dumpee during a break up - No Contact. It’s the best thing for you to get over your ex partner, and it’s the only thing that could, potentially, get you two back together. If an ex never gets the chance to miss you, they wont ever consider reconciliation. Stay in No Contact. Let your ex partner go through the stages. If the “missing” gives way to them wanting reconciliation, then good for you. If not, accept it for what it is, and don’t get your hopes up. What do you think? Makes sense? Been through something similar? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I think you may be right. The problem arises when the dumper jumps right into another relationship, which masks pretty much all of the stages, until they get dumped themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Makes sense. Care to elaborate on the emotional stages of a Dumpee? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Makes sense. Care to elaborate on the emotional stages of a Dumpee? I have my own version and it goes like this: Stage 1 - Denial - i.e. this **** isn't happening to me. She'll/He'll be back. Give her/him some space. No worries. I don't care if she/he contacts me. Stage 2 - Panic - i.e. omg this **** IS happening. What am I going to do now? Ok, she'll/he'll contact me in 2 weeks. Stage 3 - Depression - can't stop crying, obsessive thoughts 24 hours a day, nightmares/can't sleep, feeling like crap, loss of energy. I hope she/he contacts me.... Stage 4 - Bargaining - if I did/said/do this, then things would/can be better. I'll fix this. I'll improve myself so she/he can see the new improved me. Why isn't she/he contacting me? Stage 5 - see Stage 3. She'll/he'll never contact me... Stage 6 - Anger - Screw her/him. I can do better. They don't deserve me. They don't know what they're missing. Stage 7 - See Stage 3. Stage 8 - Acceptance - They didn't want me. Maybe it was for the best (yeah right, you're only rationalizing it in your head to get you through the day). They truly don't wish to have contact with me. I have to accept that and move on. Stage 9 - Here's where it gets tricky. Some people fall back into a deep, long-lasting depression while others throw caution to the wind and try to date again. Then after all of that and you finally think you're healed and ready to move on................the ex contacts you. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
OneBigIdgit Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Since I've been through it a few times over the years, I'd agree with everything here except I would touch on what BlackBird said. While it does mask the stages, they still feel them. Just at a delayed time frame. From what I read, a new relationship will mask and distract any feelings from the old relationship for a period of 2 months(the honeymoon phase). It is possible that the new relationship is so good that they might not come out of the honeymoon stage for 6 months but they will still feel some pangs at some point. If, IF, your ex gets into a relationship with a mere mortal. Just a normal guy with normal problems just like her ex, then the honeymoon phase should be just about over after 2 months or so. The real pain of the past relationship and really noticing who they are with now should occur in the 3-5 month range. This period of time is the best chance that the ex will start thinking of coming back. It might take a while for this to occur but they'll start noticing that they are having the same feelings as the old relationship and they do love the old ex. They haven't had time to build that type of love with the new one. Now, if the new person is rich, or Brad Pitt, or both, then don't expect the ex to come back. Blackbird is in the same boat as I. Financially, I've been much better throughout most of my life. I've hit a down turn business wise, and wasn't ready to support a wife. My ex found herself a guy who makes over 200K a year and I do think that has much to do with her getting engaged in 20 days. That 3-5 month window after they leave a relationship seems to be a decision time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have my own version and it goes like this: Stage 1 - Denial - i.e. this **** isn't happening to me. She'll/He'll be back. Give her/him some space. No worries. I don't care if she/he contacts me. Stage 2 - Panic - i.e. omg this **** IS happening. What am I going to do now? Ok, she'll/he'll contact me in 2 weeks. Stage 3 - Depression - can't stop crying, obsessive thoughts 24 hours a day, nightmares/can't sleep, feeling like crap, loss of energy. I hope she/he contacts me.... Stage 4 - Bargaining - if I did/said/do this, then things would/can be better. I'll fix this. I'll improve myself so she/he can see the new improved me. Why isn't she/he contacting me? Stage 5 - see Stage 3. She'll/he'll never contact me... Stage 6 - Anger - Screw her/him. I can do better. They don't deserve me. They don't know what they're missing. Stage 7 - See Stage 3. Stage 8 - Acceptance - They didn't want me. Maybe it was for the best (yeah right, you're only rationalizing it in your head to get you through the day). They truly don't wish to have contact with me. I have to accept that and move on. Stage 9 - Here's where it gets tricky. Some people fall back into a deep, long-lasting depression while others throw caution to the wind and try to date again. Then after all of that and you finally think you're healed and ready to move on................the ex contacts you. Based on this is seems like a dumpee isn't healed until he starts dating again or jumps into another relationship lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Based on this is seems like a dumpee isn't healed until he starts dating again or jumps into another relationship lol In my experience, you hit the nail right on the head. If you're an emotional or romantic type guy, you really don't ever get over important lost loves. You just try to replace them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I think that the 'dumped' term is really unhelpful. Garbage gets dumped, people don't. I think, "He/she left me." is a more healthy term to use. The language you use to describe your experiences and how you feel matters. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Garbage gets dumped, people don't. Touche, but what if you do feel like you were dumped like garbage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 In my experience, you hit the nail right on the head. If you're an emotional or romantic type guy, you really don't ever get over important lost loves. You just try to replace them. Emotional and romantic? I guess I'm screwed for the foreseeable future... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Emotional and romantic? I guess I'm screwed for the foreseeable future... Unfortunately I'm in the same boat my friend. No matter how alpha I seem to be, I am a very emotional guy as well as a romantic. I'm not ashamed of it in the least, as it does make the highs of a good relationship feel higher, but at the same time it makes the lows of breakups that much lower. (Hence where I'm at now). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OneBigIdgit Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 In my experience, you hit the nail right on the head. If you're an emotional or romantic type guy, you really don't ever get over important lost loves. You just try to replace them. You may be totally correct BlackbirdSong. I'm not a dreamer. I might dream but I seldom remember them. Going through this breakup I have awoken several times during dreams of this ex. The last few I realized my dreaming mind had super emposed my wife of 13+ yrs ago over the image of my current ex. Its like it is blending them both together and I realized that I'd actually called my current ex by my ex-wives name a few times in the dream. I thought about this as I awoke this morning because I really hadn't thought much about the ex-wife in years. Because I have dreams about the current ex and I remember them after I awake has hit home to me how much this ex grew to mean to me. I don't think I've done that about any woman before 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Touche, but what if you do feel like you were dumped like garbage? I'm not saying you shouldn't use it ever, but we should be conscious of the language we use. "I felt like an idiot," is not so bad, but, "I'm an idiot," is never going to help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Unfortunately I'm in the same boat my friend. No matter how alpha I seem to be, I am a very emotional guy as well as a romantic. I'm not ashamed of it in the least, as it does make the highs of a good relationship feel higher, but at the same time it makes the lows of breakups that much lower. (Hence where I'm at now). I totally understand that buddy, I'm right there with you. If you see my thread from earlier in the coping section you can see the type of emotions i'm dealing with today. How long has it been since your break up? And do you think you're ever going to contact your ex again? Link to post Share on other sites
smellysocksuni Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 An interesting thread... I've only been in one major LTR but any other romantic dalliances I've had and they've ended it... they've never come back. I am yet to see whether this one will, but what about if it was a bad break up? Does that change things somehow? I can't see my ex coming back - although she IS friends with all of her exes and had an extremely bad break up with one so maybe she is the going back type Link to post Share on other sites
Dallix Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Sadly I don't think I'll ever see the reconciliation stage, was good to her minus some mistakes, and like some of you I was struggling financially. Wouldn't take her back still but want to see I meant something to her since right now I feel like I never did. Link to post Share on other sites
OneBigIdgit Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 use this exercise on your own mind; I've read that as we move through a breakup, our minds play tricks on us and after a short time it becomes more difficult to remember our exes faults. The mind tends to bring up the good memories. Does your thinking of your ex tend to be this way although you know that during the day to day with your gf, there were things that happened that you wondered if they should be deal breakers? My current ex had told me that at the end or rough spots in all of her relationships, she tended to go back to the prior ex to see if something was there. Its funny because I saw her going out with a mutual acquaintance a few years before I met her. I saw them together one week then saw him alone the next. Somebody asked him where she was, and he said they had broken up because she just wanted to get married. Then I met her about 5 yrs after than. She had added 1 marriage and divorce to her total during that 5 yr span. My ex wife came back to me once, and then tried again but I wouldn't take her the 2nd time. I've also had at least a couple of ex girlfriend try to get back together. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I totally understand that buddy, I'm right there with you. If you see my thread from earlier in the coping section you can see the type of emotions i'm dealing with today. How long has it been since your break up? And do you think you're ever going to contact your ex again? It's been 42 or 43 days since the breakup (and 40 days NC on my part). We ended things over the phone, she came and picked up her stuff at my apartment, she texted me the next day about how amazing I am and all that other bull****. Then I chose to go NC. Haven't heard/seen her since. Total ghost. Her last text was, "we'll talk someday, i'm sure. Just not now". So eventually, she'll reach out. (Probably when she's engaged or married). She's not a vindictive girl in the least, but she gets over relationships really easy. I've been going back and forth whether or not to reach out, but I don't think I'm going to. I'm just going to get better and heal, then see what happens. I'll always want to be with her and marry her. Maybe she'll see the light in the future and remember how awesome I am. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 It's been 42 or 43 days since the breakup (and 40 days NC on my part). We ended things over the phone, she came and picked up her stuff at my apartment, she texted me the next day about how amazing I am and all that other bull****. Then I chose to go NC. Haven't heard/seen her since. Total ghost. Her last text was, "we'll talk someday, i'm sure. Just not now". So eventually, she'll reach out. (Probably when she's engaged or married). She's not a vindictive girl in the least, but she gets over relationships really easy. I've been going back and forth whether or not to reach out, but I don't think I'm going to. I'm just going to get better and heal, then see what happens. I'll always want to be with her and marry her. Maybe she'll see the light in the future and remember how awesome I am. lol That's rough bro sorry to hear that. Today I made a month NC with my ex (43 days since we broke up, kinda like you lol). She hasn't reached out at all, she's just been posting/re tweeting stuff on twitter about our relationship. If you have something to say then just say it then, she looks really immature (but whatever). Question, what if the ex is experiencing a lot of anger after a break-up? How can the stages be broken down then? I know no two people are the same, but I always wondered that. I feel like she's going through a lot of pain like me (just not as much). Anyway, I really miss her. Idk if i'm going to reach out to her, since I stopped looking at her Twitter last week, i'm kind of scared to look so i'm just going to stick to NC for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Good post but I think whether they come back or not depends on the reasons for the break up too. In my case, she left me 7 months ago because she lost interest and met someone else, I don't think these emotional stages apply to her, I'm pretty sure we're done for good. Link to post Share on other sites
OneBigIdgit Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 from what Ive read, once the ex gets into that phase where they might start wondering if they made a mistake, it doesn't matter whether it was a good break or a bad break. We've all shaken our heads about a person going right back to an abusive partner. The mind plays tricks and makes it tough to remember the bad parts of the other person, IF the ex goes through the phase where they start doubting the decision to break. Not all exes go through that phase. I would think that if an ex spent months of feeling that they need the break then its not likely that they will think about going back unless life really kicks them at some point. If the decision to break happened much quicker, then I'd think it more likely that they would rethink the break a few months down the road 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AIJ Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 That's rough bro sorry to hear that. Today I made a month NC with my ex (43 days since we broke up, kinda like you lol). She hasn't reached out at all, she's just been posting/re tweeting stuff on twitter about our relationship. If you have something to say then just say it then, she looks really immature (but whatever). Question, what if the ex is experiencing a lot of anger after a break-up? How can the stages be broken down then? I know no two people are the same, but I always wondered that. I feel like she's going through a lot of pain like me (just not as much). Anyway, I really miss her. Idk if i'm going to reach out to her, since I stopped looking at her Twitter last week, i'm kind of scared to look so i'm just going to stick to NC for now. My ex was incredibly bitter towards me around 2 weeks after the break up, would keep talking **** about me on Twitter and to MY friends (no idea what that was about, she knew it would get back to me). Calmed down after that when I just wasn't reacting to any of it. Reached out to me, I ignored it. Reached out to her a week or so later, she was blunt. Two weeks have passed since, and nothing. I'm trying not to care but every single day is a struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 My ex was incredibly bitter towards me around 2 weeks after the break up, would keep talking **** about me on Twitter and to MY friends (no idea what that was about, she knew it would get back to me). Calmed down after that when I just wasn't reacting to any of it. Reached out to me, I ignored it. Reached out to her a week or so later, she was blunt. Two weeks have passed since, and nothing. I'm trying not to care but every single day is a struggle. Looks like everyone needs their space. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipop11 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) ................... Edited March 22, 2015 by lollipop11 Link to post Share on other sites
AIJ Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 ................... You were a rebound. Rebounds tend to catch up to speed very quickly with the past relationship until they're ran in to the ground relatively soon. Just gonna have to let this one go buddy! Link to post Share on other sites
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