Emotional stages of a Dumper

[lollipop11]

I can accept that this could be the case. But do you not think theres any chance that we could have potential for a relationship but the other person is simply not ready for it? I cant help but believe that the connection we had was a genuine one

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I think you did a very good job of outlining the conventional emotional process of a dumper. I feel like my situation is entirely different, though. And I can't, for the life of me, make sense of it.

 

This is, by my best observation, how I understand my ex-gf's dumping me.

 

-Blindsiding. Impulsively invents a list of reasons, growing each day that justify our split.

 

-Anger. Any attempts I make to understand or talk to her about her decision are met with anger. She is a different person.

 

-More anger. At discovering she has been smearing me and hiding feelings for another man and exposing her emotional/physical affair to family and friends, she becomes more angry.

 

-Destruction of the destroyed. Post-break up, well three months NC, she continues blasting my name on Facebook, devaluing me to family and friends, dredging up any fault of mine, publicly and privately, to whomever will listen.

 

-Sadness and anger. Seven months later, at the romantic dissolution of her new romance, she reaches out to a friend who consoles her. "In two or three years, the jets will cool and you will think of him(me) with fondness and gratitude", she is told.

 

-Worship. One year NC, she continues to pledge obedience to a man who is now involved with someone else. She sends him messages that say "thinking of you" despite the fact the man is on vacation with his new flame.

 

Her entire personality changed. Where GIGS often has the stricken partying and living a loose lifestyle, my ex became feverishly devoted to her career, Satanism, Machiavellianism. The kind, loving, playful adoring woman I knew became sycophantic, manipulative, deceitful, power hungry. Her devotion to this 5-Night-Stand OkCupid | The Dating Persona Test had her emulating his art, his dress, his lifestyle.

 

I hope someday all of this will make sense to me.

[Holmes85]

I can accept that this could be the case. But do you not think theres any chance that we could have potential for a relationship but the other person is simply not ready for it? I cant help but believe that the connection we had was a genuine one

 

Lollipop,

 

I don't know specifics of your relationship, but with my experience this is how it could have played out with you.

 

Your Ex Girlfriend was in a longterm relationship with someone, you enter the picture and provide her with whatever she felt was missing in the relationship, sparks begin to fly till to the point where your Ex Girlfriend thinks that she doesn't love her boyfriend anymore and you seem new and exciting and she breaks up with him and immedialtey starts dating you (or the reverse of it, that he dumps her).

 

Things are all lovey dovey for a while, but once the honeymoon phase starts to wear off (Typically between 3-8 months to a year) she starts to miss her longterm Boyfriend and starts comparing the two of you, since the honeymoon phase is over and now the fog has lifted, she realized what she has done and didn't had the time to recover or think about what she did previously.

 

Now you say things started quickly, future plans and all that, seems a bit too quick after she ended a long term relationship, to me with her actions it's quite clear that she was trying to catch up with her previous relationship with you and you were caught in the emotions and love that you missed all the warning signs.

 

Whenever a girl/boy comes out of a long term relationship, they need some time on their own. If they are jumping straight into another relationship, your logical side should automatically tell you that something is off. If they are leaving their long term boyfriend to be with you, you should question yourself, if they can do that to their current partnet, what are the chances of them doing the same thing to me? They will try really hard to convince you ( & themselves) they are over their Ex, but don't fall for it.

 

Many people say that they mourned the relationship while they were with their current partner, this is absolutely B.S. Thinking about pulling the trigger is different than actually doing it, even though they planned to pull the trigger way before, it's different when you actually do it, you start to feel the real effects of after pulling the trigger and not before it.

 

My advice to you would be to get out of this mess, she is eventually going to contact her Ex-Boyfriend and see where his head is at, if he denies her the opportunity she would be running back to you (till she founds someones better), you don't need this kind of mess in your life. She might have made you seemed like the first option to her, but her actions seem to tell a different story, cut this one off completely, unless you want her to toy with your emotional state further.

[OneBigIdgit]

How are you doing Sycamore? I hope you have healed and can feel like an outsider looking in at the big picture of her life from the point in which she left. I have heard that dumpers get very defensive and angry if the dumpee tries to point out the flaws of breaking up, and how odd the dumpers actions are at that time. But for her to carry that anger and defensive attitude for so long is more than a hint of deeper issues.

 

 

The Satanism you bring up, along with other issues, shows that her thinking is warped. Her fixation on her rebound isn't that odd. Deep in her mind she knows she gave up a stable relationship and bet huge odds that the new one will be better. She lost and can't comprehend that she chose so badly.

 

 

God speed in getting over this relationship and moving your memories and thoughts far away from her and anything she does.