Tired of bread crumbs [updated]

[Ifalltopieces]

I would never wish this on anyone, but it helps to know I'm not alone. This kind of relationship breeds insecurity and loneliness. Thank you for the thoughts and insight...

[Ifalltopieces]

When he talks about the future it goes something like this:

 

On one hand, im excited. I'm anxious. Hearing him talk about having and making a life with me, makes me happy. It makes me thankful that the time I've spent with him wasn't one big lie or mistake. It gives me something to look forward too. It gives me confidence and makes me feel his love for me. It gives me hope....it keeps me hanging on.

 

On the other hand, it makes me sick. It stings like a slap in my face. It makes me resent him. It makes me cringe. It makes me wonder if he really believes what he says or if he says them to toy with me. It makes me wonder if he really does have good intentions. It sends my mind into a whirlwind of emotions im not ready to deal with. It sickens me.

 

Maybe he means it all but just can't follow through...maybe he is a monster who gets great pleasure out of leading me on and toying with me...maybe I'll never really know. I just needed to get it all out. I can't keep it in anymore. Thanks for the ears.

[Grapesofwrath]

He may say it precisely because it keeps you hanging on. He knows that. He feeds it to so you won't leave. He's setting the hook a little deeper. My MM never future fakes me, and I have trouble leaving anyway. I can't imagine how hard it would be to do it if he was painting that kind of picture.

[Ifalltopieces]

Grapes,

 

I'm happy your AP doesn't make you false promises and lead you on. To really think my AP could be doing that makes me so incredibly sad.

 

Do you think it's possible that maybe he does mean it? I want to believe he means it but he is just scared of chsnge and the unknown. I never bring up the future. He gets upset when he does and I dismiss it. I want so bad to believe that he couldnt and wouldn't do that...to admit that would mean he was a monster and cruel. I can't accept that. He may have his flaws but i know the good parts of him too.

 

Ugh

[Grapesofwrath]

Pieces: Based on our previous interchange, I'm very suspicious of what your AP says. He is a manipulator. Even if he does mean it when he says it, I encourage you to consider whether this is someone you want a future with. No one is 100% evil. I'm sure he has good qualities, but let's consider the whole man.

 

Why does he get upset when he discusses the future? I'm confused...

[Ifalltopieces]

Grapes you make a lot of sense. And yes he is a manipulator. I really do need to do a lot of soul searching.

 

To clarify, He doesn't get upset about discussing the future, he gets upset if I question him about it. For example, if I say "are we ever going to be able to be a normal couple with a normal life?" He will reply by saying, "you should know the answer to that, why don't you trust me and have faith in me?"

 

He doesn't like to be made to feel like he is mistrusted. Can you say ironic?

 

Sorry for the confusion.

[Ifalltopieces]

I meant he gets upset when he always has to mention the future and I never do. I guess he thinks I should being it up too....

[Grapesofwrath]

Oh, Pieces: He is a tough one. How long has he been doing this with you? Why should you bring up the future when he then turns it around on you and accuses you of "not trusting him?" What a mind f*ck that is. And of course you don't trust him. Nor should you. What has he done to earn your trust?

[Ifalltopieces]

EXACTLY!!!!!!! My emotions are in a constant state of CHAOS!!!! I try to be a good person and have faith in the person I love, but my Goodnesss it's very hard. Most days I fail miserably.

 

I guess I hang on because I can't believe that someone could be that cruel and evil. I hang on because I do believe he loves me. I know it's sick but I do. I also have to believe that he has had so many outs and he never takes them. Why would he continue stressing himself out by lying. He hates stress and drama, it would just cause more.

 

This has been going on for almost 2 years.

 

I'm going to have to really do some soul searching. You have helped me a great deal and I am very thankful. I've held it all in for so long. It was killing me.

[Cinnimon]

I say this with love, compassion and kindness. They can and are that cruel after all look what he is doing to his wife.... The woman he not only made promises to but did it in taking his vows in front of God and probably hundreds of people! He loved her enough to marry her and he's treating her like crap. He's treating you like a toy, one that he can take off the shelf and play with whenever he wants.

That whole getting upset about you not speaking of a future with him, that's called grooming. He's sucking you in deeper and deeper and you know it.

I know this is hard but you have to start listening to your gut with him. You know he is a liar. Don't fall for it.

I'm sorry , hugs to you.

[Darren Steez]

Because he speaks directly to my soul(

 

Forgive this gentle 2x4 but focusing on the above fairy skies, silver unicorns and cotton clouds statement, which you then follow up with these..

 

Many days have come and gone with promises unkept.

 

weasel his way back in

 

treat me like a used piece of toilet paper

 

my head laughs at me and calls me a fool.

 

It's actually pretty sick and demented

 

The milkshake was tasty when you bought it, after several weeks you believe this is still the tastiest milkshake even though it now makes you ill and tastes horrible.

 

Interspersed between all the horrible things he does to you was that one line, he speaks directly to my soul. He really doesn't does he. Again read what you wrote, his actions speak plainly, your heart and your head speak plainly, you actually know what's happening so the question is, isn't it better to be alone than to be like this?

[road]

I don't know where to start

 

 

 

 

Where to start?

 

 

Hmmmmn.

 

 

How about start with you accepted bread crumbs from the beginning.

 

 

You kept going back for bread crumbs multiple times.

 

 

It was good all those other times.

 

 

So why is it not now?

 

 

I think the problem is not the OM.

 

 

Start with the problem is with you dating a man that is not free and you expect things to be different.

[Ifalltopieces]

My feelings are changing. Slowly but surely they are. I'm starting to see my AP in a new light so to speak. I used to hang on every word, I would buy everything he said; hook,line and sinker. I used to make excuses for his behavior and convinced myself that I was to blame for all the times he felt crappy and needed me to boost him up. I let him control my moods and demeanors. If he was mad or having a bad day, so was I. If he was happy and content so was I.

 

Now I hear this voice inside me telling me he is full of crap. A voice telling me he is a liar, a cheat, and even a monster. The voice tells me he is evil. When he talks now, I'm annoyed. When he mentions our "future" I want to laugh in his face and vomit. When he gets mad at me for every little thing I do wrong, I want to tell him to stick it. I don't know what's happening. MAybe it's all the prayers, maybe it's all of the advice and insight on LS...all I know is it's changing. It's changing and it's liberating and also scary.

 

I do love him. But he doesn't love me like I love him. He loves me in the selfish way he knows how. He loves what I do for him. This is, and has always been all about HIM and what HE wants. I was just along for the ride. I would be lying if I said I'm ready to end it...but something is changing....thanks for listening.....I have nobody to talk to about this and I don't understand it....

[whichwayisup]

This is a great mindset you're in right now. Use this to detach and distance yourself from him. Stop putting him first, stop worrying about him (if he's sad/mad or having a bad day) and put yourself first. Go ahead and make plans with your friends, your family and if he wants to see you it'll be on YOUR terms and time frame, not the other way around. This gives you power and also will help you see that you can have a great life without him, you'll be OK and survive.

 

Don't rely on him as much, when you need to talk about regular stuff going on in your life talk to your woman friends, not him. If you feel down or having a bad day, again, talk to your friends, not him.

[Gloria_Smellons]

My feelings are changing. Slowly but surely they are. I'm starting to see my AP in a new light so to speak. I used to hang on every word, I would buy everything he said; hook,line and sinker. I used to make excuses for his behavior and convinced myself that I was to blame for all the times he felt crappy and needed me to boost him up. I let him control my moods and demeanors. If he was mad or having a bad day, so was I. If he was happy and content so was I.

 

Now I hear this voice inside me telling me he is full of crap. A voice telling me he is a liar, a cheat, and even a monster. The voice tells me he is evil. When he talks now, I'm annoyed. When he mentions our "future" I want to laugh in his face and vomit. When he gets mad at me for every little thing I do wrong, I want to tell him to stick it. I don't know what's happening. MAybe it's all the prayers, maybe it's all of the advice and insight on LS...all I know is it's changing. It's changing and it's liberating and also scary.

 

I do love him. But he doesn't love me like I love him. He loves me in the selfish way he knows how. He loves what I do for him. This is, and has always been all about HIM and what HE wants. I was just along for the ride. I would be lying if I said I'm ready to end it...but something is changing....thanks for listening.....I have nobody to talk to about this and I don't understand it....

 

This is all very encouraging, but I'd try take it a bit further if you feel strong enough.

 

For example, when he mentions your 'future' you know he's bs'ing, so shut him down. Don't waste your energy even listening to it. There's a lot of power in 'I don't want to hear that kind of thing' and changing the subject.

 

I hope this is the beginning of the end for you.

[Ifalltopieces]

i need help. I've never in my entire life felt so helpless and alone.

 

I am married. I have been having an affair. My spouse is a great man with an amazing heart. He is by no means a push over or a punk, but he loves me and he has made it clear that he will exhaust all measures to save us. We have had our problems, but we have always stuck together. I love him. I am not, and do not know if I ever have been in love with him. I have very little respect for him. I have a great deal of resentment toward him for things in our past. There was a lot of drinking and a lot of verbal abuse but over the past 2 years he has changed drastically. He has curved his drinking habits and became more of the man I thought I wanted. When my AP and I were in NC, I confessed my affair. The guilt began to kill and consume me so I fessed up. What I didn't tell him was I resumed the affair and have been ever since.

 

My AP and I have had 3 NC situations. All initiated by me. He chased me and I went willingly back into it. I love my AP. I am in love with my AP. I connect with him in every way. My AP has hurt me a lot. There have been many lies and many broken promises. I still continue to have faith in him. I want to believe in him. I believe underneath all the bad is someone really good. When it's good it's good and when It's bad it's really bad. I know people on the outside must think the decision is easy but it's the hardest decision I've ever been faced with.

 

I'm in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. My heart wants to follow my AP but my gut and my brain tell me if I do, I will end up regretting it. I don't know if my husband and I could ever get our marriage back. If I want to try to save my marriage I know I have to make a decision quickly. My husband is slowly but surely letting go. He never should have had to go through any of this. I have very little faith that my AP will ever walk away from his marriage even though he tells me otherwise. While I don't believe it's good, I don't think he has the courage to walk. I just don't think I'm good enough for that to happen. I mean after all, I am a liar and a cheater.

 

Someone that has been in my shoes please help me. What did you do? How did it work out for you? I want to be happy. I want both of them to be happy. Especially my husband. He deserves better. He deserves so much better. What I really want is peace. I just want peace. I know something has to change and I want to make it right. I have to make it right. thanks for listening....

[velvette]

i need help. I've never in my entire life felt so helpless and alone.

 

I am married. I have been having an affair. My spouse is a great man with an amazing heart. He is by no means a push over or a punk, but he loves me and he has made it clear that he will exhaust all measures to save us. We have had our problems, but we have always stuck together. I love him. I am not, and do not know if I ever have been in love with him. I have very little respect for him. I have a great deal of resentment toward him for things in our past. There was a lot of drinking and a lot of verbal abuse but over the past 2 years he has changed drastically. He has curved his drinking habits and became more of the man I thought I wanted. When my AP and I were in NC, I confessed my affair. The guilt began to kill and consume me so I fessed up. What I didn't tell him was I resumed the affair and have been ever since.

 

My AP and I have had 3 NC situations. All initiated by me. He chased me and I went willingly back into it. I love my AP. I am in love with my AP. I connect with him in every way. My AP has hurt me a lot. There have been many lies and many broken promises. I still continue to have faith in him. I want to believe in him. I believe underneath all the bad is someone really good. When it's good it's good and when It's bad it's really bad. I know people on the outside must think the decision is easy but it's the hardest decision I've ever been faced with.

 

I'm in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. My heart wants to follow my AP but my gut and my brain tell me if I do, I will end up regretting it. I don't know if my husband and I could ever get our marriage back. If I want to try to save my marriage I know I have to make a decision quickly. My husband is slowly but surely letting go. He never should have had to go through any of this. I have very little faith that my AP will ever walk away from his marriage even though he tells me otherwise. While I don't believe it's good, I don't think he has the courage to walk. I just don't think I'm good enough for that to happen. I mean after all, I am a liar and a cheater.

 

Someone that has been in my shoes please help me. What did you do? How did it work out for you? I want to be happy. I want both of them to be happy. Especially my husband. He deserves better. He deserves so much better. What I really want is peace. I just want peace. I know something has to change and I want to make it right. I have to make it right. thanks for listening....

 

The bolded is the absolute definition of a toxic relationship and that's before you have even started to get close to a real relationship in the light of day.

 

 

Just my opinion, but both of you likely have some seriously dysfunctional issue that you recognize in each other. Maybe not exactly the same, but could be complementary. In any case, the reason the relationship feels so good is because you both recognize the flaw/crack/issue in the other and then tell each other its ok.

 

 

You are the only one that can change you. Make an appointment with a counselor and figure out what is wrong with you that you got yourself into this situation.

 

 

The odds of any mm leaving his wife are slim to none. So, you need to figure out if you want to leave your marriage and be own your own or stay married. Of course, you may have already made that decision by default by resuming the affair and your husband is likely not going to be as interested in reconciling when he finds out.

 

 

You need to realize that your thinking is disordered and it likely will be as long as you stay in an A. Go back and read what you wrote about your husband. Its a whole mess of contradictions. He's an amazing man with a great heart who verbally abused you? What the heck does that mean?

[Sassy Girl]

Step back.

 

This isn't a decision about a choice between two men. This is a decision you have to make about you - the person you want to be, the life you want to live, about being proud again of the person you are and the people who inspire that and should be a part of your life. You know it can't be both of them. And just quiet, your AP is not bankable. At all.

 

 

Decide what YOU need and want and then make a plan. Both roads are hard. Both are incredibly painful. But you need to stay focused on the goal. Because right now you are just treading water because of don't want to make a decision. It's limbo.

 

Time to decide who you want to be and do it.

[Ifalltopieces]

Step back.

 

This isn't a decision about a choice between two men. This is a decision you have to make about you - the person you want to be, the life you want to live, about being proud again of the person you are and the people who inspire that and should be a part of your life. You know it can't be both of them. And just quiet, your AP is not bankable. At all.

 

 

Decide what YOU need and want and then make a plan. Both roads are hard. Both are incredibly painful. But you need to stay focused on the goal. Because right now you are just treading water because of don't want to make a decision. It's limbo.

 

Time to decide who you want to be and do it.

 

Your right. This is and has always been about me. I have to fix me before I can worry about fixing other things. I've been so consumed with viewing distorted. It's not really about my husband or AP at all.

 

 

Velvette, I appreciate your feedback. I know it sounds contradicting but yes my husband is a good man. He works hard, he is a good father, and he always puts others before himself. He has made mistakes in the past but he has changed a lot. I agree with your statement about my affair being dysfunctional. It's extremely dysfunctional and very unhealthy.

[GoldieLox]

 

I'm in a constant battle between my heart and my brain. My heart wants to follow my AP but my gut and my brain tell me if I do, I will end up regretting it.

 

Follow him where? He's not going to leave his marriage. Despite what little faith in him you have left, you know this. I KNOW you know this.

 

I think in order to find happiness, you have to walk away from both situations right now. Your AP isn't the answer and has never been the answer. He will just continue to hurt you and make you question everything about yourself. As for your husband, your marriage... honestly, I think you sound like you're checked out of it. I don't say that to be rude, but just inferring from your post. Either you're checked out, or you're trying to find reasons to gravitate towards your AP... either way, I think you need to really go to IC and figure out yourself. Could you temporarily separate from your husband, give yourself some time and space to think?

[Doublegold]

Excellent advice from GoldieLox. Neither your H or your AP seem to have the answers. After all, it was inside you all along.

 

Have you ever been on your own OP? It is not that bad. Counseling and really working on yourself is far better then making a so so Husband look good, and an AP look like the answer.

[Ifalltopieces]

Follow him where? He's not going to leave his marriage. Despite what little faith in him you have left, you know this. I KNOW you know this.

 

I think in order to find happiness, you have to walk away from both situations right now. Your AP isn't the answer and has never been the answer. He will just continue to hurt you and make you question everything about yourself. As for your husband, your marriage... honestly, I think you sound like you're checked out of it. I don't say that to be rude, but just inferring from your post. Either you're checked out, or you're trying to find reasons to gravitate towards your AP... either way, I think you need to really go to IC and figure out yourself. Could you temporarily separate from your husband, give yourself some time and space to think?

 

I didn't mean follow him literally, I should have been more clear. I meant follow him as in follow my heart and wait for him. My husband has suggested we seperate. This week I am going to work on finding a counselor and he intends to find a place to stay for a while. Hopefully, this will be the start of something healthy. Thank you for your insight...and yes I have checked out but I think most of it is because I'm so wrapped up in my affair.i know your right about my AP...I know the truth. It's just hard to face. Thanks again...

[Southern Sun]

I will promise you this - you will never be clear about what you want with your marriage while you are in a relationship with two men. It is impossible. You have to pick a side and in your case, that may mean neither of them, at least for a time.

 

Do you have children? If not, that reallly does give you some freedom to separate and get your head straight. You're right, it's not fair to string your husband along. The other sad reality is, your AP probably won't be there for you. I'm not saying that to hurt you. I'm just pointing out your own gut instincts. He may be there for some continued secret relationship, but if it requires blowing up his world too, especially if he has kids, I would be very, very cautious.

 

If you leave your marriage, I would do it for you and you alone. It would do you some good to get away from this AP...totally, completely away, for a while. It will take that to get your head straight. But when you do, you'll finally be able to see.

[whichwayisup]

I am married. I have been having an affair. My spouse is a great man with an amazing heart. He is by no means a push over or a punk, but he loves me and he has made it clear that he will exhaust all measures to save us. We have had our problems, but we have always stuck together. I love him. I am not, and do not know if I ever have been in love with him. I have very little respect for him. I have a great deal of resentment toward him for things in our past.

 

Separate. Go total NC with your AP and only deal with your husband about house stuff and kids (if you have any), get counseling and figure out what you want. Be honest with yourself and don't let fear rule you. Maybe you'd be better off alone than married, regardless of your AP.

[jellybean89]

I am married. I have been having an affair. My spouse is a great man with an amazing heart. He is by no means a push over or a punk, but he loves me and he has made it clear that he will exhaust all measures to save us. We have had our problems, but we have always stuck together. I love him. I am not, and do not know if I ever have been in love with him. I have very little respect for him. I have a great deal of resentment toward him for things in our past. There was a lot of drinking and a lot of verbal abuse but over the past 2 years he has changed drastically. He has curved his drinking habits and became more of the man I thought I wanted. When my AP and I were in NC, I confessed my affair. The guilt began to kill and consume me so I fessed up. What I didn't tell him was I resumed the affair and have been ever since.

 

I know it sounds contradicting but yes my husband is a good man. He works hard, he is a good father, and he always puts others before himself. He has made mistakes in the past but he has changed a lot. I agree with your statement about my affair being dysfunctional. It's extremely dysfunctional and very unhealthy.

 

So twice you have written negative things about your H. About the past. Is that your way of justifying the affair AND the continuation of the affair? Unless he hit you - which you didn't say he did when listing his negative qualities - what you have done to him, IN MY VIEW, is way worse than his actions. You have chosen to have sex with and fall "in love" with a married man. You willingly chose to enter into an affair with a guy whose married. AND you not only lied to your H about it, he thinks you came clean and ended it when you didn't and haven't. You are putting his life at risk. Not just the STD exposure; but potential harm from the dude you are cheating with.

 

You really don't get to take the moral high ground. I am sure if he knew what you were doing, he would have no respect for you. I am sure he would be highly pissed that he has been wasting his time trying to 'reconcile' with you when you are still sleeping with the married dude. You have made a mockery of the marriage and of him because you can't be honest.

 

Go with the married dude. Let your H go. He deserves better. Go wait years for the married guy, who isn't going to leave his wife. Men rarely leave. But you need to set your H free. Tell him you lied to him and you didn't end it. Tell him you have been unfaithful the whole time he has thought you were 'trying' to fix the marriage. Tell him what you have done so HE can make decisions based on ACCURATE and TRUTHFUL information.

 

Kinda astounding that that you believe you have this big decision to make - which guy to go with. Tell your H the truth and he will make it easier for you.