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Tired of bread crumbs [updated]


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Ifalltopieces
I hope you don't mind me chiming in here as I don't have the experience of being the OW, but I certainly have the experience of being in a relationship with a man like your MM. In fact..is your MM my H? :lmao:

 

My feelings are flat out wrong. Stupid. It's always my fault, and although I have gotten better at it, there are still those times where he gets me so rattled in the blame game out comes the apology. It's madding, and it slowly drives you crazy. Literally. I'm surprised I wasn't sent to the looney bin somewhere in the first 13 years of our relationship. Yet for some reason we stay with them...they know how to put our self esteem in the toilet and as long as its there we stay.

 

You have to regain that self esteem. That is the power they have over us. I was just a nice, kind, look for the best in everyone person before my H. That turned into codependency, because of how my self worth got tied completely up in him. I say this as gently as I can, you are headed down that same path. The longer you stay, the harder it is to break away. I'm on 16 years now, I've even asked for a divorce and he's still manipulating and making me think I'm nuts for leaving him...and I still can't just pack a freaking bag, grab my son and say eff off.

 

Time will never make it easier. Start taking your life back from this guy NOW. He will continue to ask you to sell yourself out more, then point out how crappy of a person you are for doing what he asked...really, the nerve. That one makes me really angry. I'm certainly not the poster child for just up and leaving so I won't beat you up for not going NC in the next 20 minutes ;) BUT, you can start regaining your self esteem in the next 20 minutes. You are worth more than this sweetie. Take care of yourself.

 

 

Thank you for your insight. As much as I would never want anyone to suffer the way I have, it helps knowing I'm not all alone. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Your life with your H is a mirror of mine. They are so identical it's scary.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems like it should be easy but you and I both know it's SO incredibly hard. I hope one day you find the courage and strength to leave and reclaim your self worth and identity. I wish you the best. :)

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I know I have too and I need too, and I want too. I don't want to be lied to anymore and I don't like the person I have become.

 

It's the doing it part where I get all messed up. Something holds me back and until I found out what that something is, I will stay his prisoner.

 

I've been praying a lot and asking for Peace. I've also been doing a lot of soul searching...I'm trying to pin point the reasons that led me down this path. I'm working on it...

 

Are u afraid of being alone? (And by alone i mean completely alone without him and the few hours he spends with u?)

Are u afraid of not finding someone else?

Do u think of yourself as not worthy of love? (This can happen since he s making u feel this way - do not let him do this again)

 

I would like u to think if there was ever a time in your life when someone made u feel like this or u saw this.

 

It s been said that the reason we stay in toxic relationships is because we uncounsciously want to recreate some past trauma in order to heal.

I know what s mine. U have to figure out yours. Sorry for going Dr Freud on u , lol. I m a paychologist

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Ifalltopieces
Are u afraid of being alone? (And by alone i mean completely alone without him and the few hours he spends with u?)

Are u afraid of not finding someone else?

Do u think of yourself as not worthy of love? (This can happen since he s making u feel this way - do not let him do this again)

 

I would like u to think if there was ever a time in your life when someone made u feel like this or u saw this.

 

It s been said that the reason we stay in toxic relationships is because we uncounsciously want to recreate some past trauma in order to heal.

I know what s mine. U have to figure out yours. Sorry for going Dr Freud on u , lol. I m a paychologist

 

My childhood was horrific. I probably could write a book and become rich. I won't go into the gory details but it was extremely traumatic.

 

I'm sure the traumatic events of my childhood have played a silent roll in my inability to walk away but I try not to use that as a crutch.

 

On some level, yes I am afraid to be alone. But I'm alone now so that makes it even more confusing. I'm not the kind of woman that lets people push her around. I have always been a fighter and a survivor but when it comes to MM, I let him keep breaking me and breaking me. If you have any psych advice, I would love to hear it. I need all the help I can get.

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My childhood was horrific. I probably could write a book and become rich. I won't go into the gory details but it was extremely traumatic.

 

I'm sure the traumatic events of my childhood have played a silent roll in my inability to walk away but I try not to use that as a crutch.

 

On some level, yes I am afraid to be alone. But I'm alone now so that makes it even more confusing. I'm not the kind of woman that lets people push her around. I have always been a fighter and a survivor but when it comes to MM, I let him keep breaking me and breaking me. If you have any psych advice, I would love to hear it. I need all the help I can get.

 

Do not underestimate the childhood trauma. I reccomend u read more about it.

It Looks like the "in order to be loved, i need to suffer/be punished. Love=pain"

Are u seeing a C?

 

The thing u should keep in mind is that u are a woman. U should not allow anyone to make u feel small, powerless, unloved, punished, hurt.

I know it s hard to end it, but being in it it s even worse. Think about this.

IF he would come tomorrow to see u, divorced, treating u like he does now, would u want to spend your whole life with him feeling like this?

My guess is no.

I was on LS before i ended my A. Actually the people here gave me a little more courage to do it. U have a great support here.

I really hope u make the best decision and end it for your own peace. U won t find your peace until u are out of the A.

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Grapesofwrath

Pieces: Based on what I've read from you in other threads, your MM is possibly a narcissistic in the classic psychological sense. He sounds abusive, emotionally and verbally, along with being a liar and manipulator. This is a double whammy. Not only are you dealing with the dysfunction of an A, but you are also going through it with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and toxic.

 

Before the MM, I had a relationship with a man very much like this. In the beginning, he was beyond charming. Complete love-bombing. He was/is a celebrity, and my head would spin when I would answer his phone and it would be some huge movie star on the other end. He has won Golden Globes and been nominated for Oscars. All of this made my head spin, and he knew it. He used it to manipulate me and get me to doubt myself and my own perceptions. We were involved for over a year, and there was never a time that he was not seeing other women behind my back and lying about it. The lies are staggering. The gaslighting was stunning. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Unbelievably cruel and would talk in circles. When he escalated to physical abuse by shoving me into the kitchen counter one day, completely out of nowhere, I knew I had to get away. He shoved me so hard, he caused a large bruise on my hip. When I showed it to him, he denied having done anything and ridiculed me for being melodramatic.

 

Married or not, these men must be avoided at all costs. He is dangerous to your spirit and your soul. Get away from him. Don't analyze why or when. Just do it. Go NC. I did, and I have never been so happy to be rid of someone in my entire life.

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Grapesofwrath

And yes, I do have the world's worst taste in men. Thank you. Absolutely horrifying. A direct result of my childhood. Been to counseling, understand the causes. Now it's up to me to make different choices and my fear paralyzes me.

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MyNameIsNotSusan

At first when we broke, I felt really scared and panicky like I was going to have to face everything I was running from and distracting myself with in the A. But then, I felt relief. I could look at myself in the mirror again and it was like I was back. The real me. I didnt feel hostage to my phone, my email and my computer and above all, I had integrity back. You just can't put a price on that. Funny, but once you step away and let the dust settle (of course you will cry and be really down), you start to see things clearer. To sum it up in one word, I felt relieved and I still do. Yes, I miss him and I miss leaning on him, but I am relieved I have my self respect back. Cheap whore? oh yeah, I know what that felt like every "day after" and I do NOT miss that feeling. I also felt more connected to family and friends knowing I was no longer harboring a secret life. It's truly a wonderful feeling. I highly recommend it.

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Ifalltopieces

Thank you for all your insights. I know this is a mess in more ways than one. I know I have to end it.

 

Grapes: I believe he is a narcissist too. Although, at times he makes ME feel like I am the issue. I just want my life back. I want to be healthy and happy. I want so much to be normal. I hope one day I am as strong as you.

 

Dela: I appreciate all of your insight and advice. I know I need to get into therapy ASAP. Thank you for supporting me. It helps to know there are people that really understand the dynamics of this situation. I never want to live like this again.

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Grapesofwrath

Grapes: I believe he is a narcissist too. Although, at times he makes ME feel like I am the issue. I just want my life back. I want to be healthy and happy. I want so much to be normal. I hope one day I am as strong as you.

 

Honey: You are not the issue. That is part of the twisted way that these people work. You learn to doubt yourself. You believe the problems lies with you, and if you could only be smarter/better/more apologetic and understanding, then everything would be okay. It will make you crazy. Constantly trying to figure out the right thing to say to make the rage stop. It's never-ending.

 

You had a life before this person and you will have a life after. Just get away from him. Do that for yourself. It's the escape that you need from all this craziness. Once you are out of it, you will see things so much more clearly. He will never change. This is who he is. It isn't you that makes him this way. I promise, that is true.

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Pieces: Based on what I've read from you in other threads, your MM is possibly a narcissistic in the classic psychological sense. He sounds abusive, emotionally and verbally, along with being a liar and manipulator. This is a double whammy. Not only are you dealing with the dysfunction of an A, but you are also going through it with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and toxic.

 

Before the MM, I had a relationship with a man very much like this. In the beginning, he was beyond charming. Complete love-bombing. He was/is a celebrity, and my head would spin when I would answer his phone and it would be some huge movie star on the other end. He has won Golden Globes and been nominated for Oscars. All of this made my head spin, and he knew it. He used it to manipulate me and get me to doubt myself and my own perceptions. We were involved for over a year, and there was never a time that he was not seeing other women behind my back and lying about it. The lies are staggering. The gaslighting was stunning. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. Unbelievably cruel and would talk in circles. When he escalated to physical abuse by shoving me into the kitchen counter one day, completely out of nowhere, I knew I had to get away. He shoved me so hard, he caused a large bruise on my hip. When I showed it to him, he denied having done anything and ridiculed me for being melodramatic.

 

Married or not, these men must be avoided at all costs. He is dangerous to your spirit and your soul. Get away from him. Don't analyze why or when. Just do it. Go NC. I did, and I have never been so happy to be rid of someone in my entire life.

I concur. I'm not a qualified psychotherapist however i was married to a cover narcissist for 10.5 years and lived with him 2 before. Simply horrific doesn't

Come close. There's a book called the narcissist in your life by Linda someone. It takes time and secret planning. Be Safw

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Hope Shimmers
In the beginning my affair was fun, exciting and it was all I wanted.

 

Now it's draining. I feel shut down and I feel empty inside. I walk away from seeing MM and I feel like nothing more than a cheap whore. I feel like a used piece of toilet paper.

 

Almost 2 years later and I feel like a different person. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm doing things and accepting things that I would never have dreamed of doing. I am a disgrace.

 

As sick as it is, I want to know I'm not alone. I would like to hear about the OW who have been where I am and found peace afterwards. What finally made you snap? How did you intitiate NC? Do you have any regrets? What did you learn?

 

You have lost every semblance of "you".

 

That's what happened to me. I don't remember what made me "snap". It was probably just some typical daily thing that happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back. But I was on the floor - literally - a complete mess. Realizing I had lost every last bit of the strong, independent person I was.

 

It took a long time to get it back.

 

It is baby steps - minute to minute, then hour to hour, then day to day. Moving forward. Because when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up.

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Thank you for all your insights. I know this is a mess in more ways than one. I know I have to end it.

 

Grapes: I believe he is a narcissist too. Although, at times he makes ME feel like I am the issue. I just want my life back. I want to be healthy and happy. I want so much to be normal. I hope one day I am as strong as you.

 

Dela: I appreciate all of your insight and advice. I know I need to get into therapy ASAP. Thank you for supporting me. It helps to know there are people that really understand the dynamics of this situation. I never want to live like this again.

I can give you tips on escaping from what I learned in therapy (I never had to use my plan because my H died before I left but I did do the cbt techniques to make life bearable in the mean time. Hug

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In the beginning my affair was fun, exciting and it was all I wanted.

 

Now it's draining. I feel shut down and I feel empty inside. I walk away from seeing MM and I feel like nothing more than a cheap whore. I feel like a used piece of toilet paper.

 

Almost 2 years later and I feel like a different person. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm doing things and accepting things that I would never have dreamed of doing. I am a disgrace.

 

As sick as it is, I want to know I'm not alone. I would like to hear about the OW who have been where I am and found peace afterwards. What finally made you snap? How did you intitiate NC? Do you have any regrets? What did you learn?

 

I called things off with him several times. Although it was always due to guilt, I clearly remember what brought it on one time. I was driving home after spending hours with him and I just kept thinking "What the hell am I doing?" I told him how empty I was feeling and I told him that we needed to stop. That lasted 3 months. This past April, I called it off for good. I told him that "I can't do this anymore" to which he replied "What has changed?" and I told him that unlike when we first started up nearly 2 years ago that now, I am no longer broken and that I realize that this situation is far less than what I deserve or need. He emailed me weeks ago telling me that he misses me but I ignored the message. Due to the number of times that we stopped and started, he probably thinks that we will start back up again but that is not the case, as he will eventually realize. I stopped smoking nearly 20 years ago and that also took a few attempts before the last one finally "took" for good and that's how this situation is as well; once I make up my mind, that's it.

 

I understand feeling like a different person but just remember that you can get yourself back. You won't be exactly how you were pre-A but you wil be wiser. I can also relate to doing and accepting things that you normally would not. It reminds me of the frog in the water that slowly heats up and the frog boils to death because it never noticed the water steadily getting hotter until it was too late. I am glad that I finally got out of it and stayed out. You too can jump out of that hot water before it's too late, but not until you are ready to and it really sounds like you are.

 

After having felt like a single person for years while my then WH cheated with everyone on the planet, I learned that I could be loved again, and things were great for a time. He was my confidante, my lover, my friend. We valued each other's opinion on things and were there for each other whenever either of us needed to talk. And then things weren't so great and I realized that I deserved to be loved and not on a part-time, secret basis. We talked/emailed all the time and only "saw" each other twice in 2014 so it's not like the sexual component was everything but it just got old that we were still in the same situation. I never really "snapped" but things became less and less satisfying as I came to realize that I deserved the whole ball of wax, so to speak. In retrospect, I guess when he asked me what had changed, I should have said that although my feelings had not changed, that the very fact that the situation had not changed was the reason why I could not continue.

 

Of course I have regrets. I was originaly a BS and then I turned around and became an OW. Regardless of any extenuating circumstances (both of our spouses cheated and we both wanted to get divorced), having an A was not the right thing to do. I have never done anything like this before and I never will again. We had no D-Day and I pray that one never happens in the future. At least if it ever does happen, I will have already stopped participating in the A. All I can do is do better from now on, and that's what I do every day. I am not seeing anyone and don't want to right now but whenever I do, it will most definitely not be with a MM or one with any sort of attachments.

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My affair ended a year ago. I don't know why it started. I've never cheated on anyone and I don't lie. I think maybe I was lonely for so long in my marrage that I left myself open. I knew it was wrong when it started and I tried to end it numerous times but somehow I'd get reeled back in. Unlike some other stories, my xmm never treated me bad. He always treated me good. Was always kind and supportive. I guess that's why when it ended it was harder for me. I almost wish he was mean to me.

After dday, mt esteem plummeted because as much as we tried to hold on to one another we both knew it was wrong. The further away from it I got the more of the true me came back. I couldn't believe the lies I told even to family. I was disgusted. I kept busy, made plans with friends, saw a therapist, joined a gum...and eventually I started emerging! I missed me! I still have days where I miss him so much my heart races but then it passes,and those feelings are coming less and less.

Be strong and do whatever it takes to get back to yourself! You can do it, you have plenty of support here!

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Thank you for all your insights. I know this is a mess in more ways than one. I know I have to end it.

 

Grapes: I believe he is a narcissist too. Although, at times he makes ME feel like I am the issue. I just want my life back. I want to be healthy and happy. I want so much to be normal. I hope one day I am as strong as you.

 

Dela: I appreciate all of your insight and advice. I know I need to get into therapy ASAP. Thank you for supporting me. It helps to know there are people that really understand the dynamics of this situation. I never want to live like this again.

 

 

u re welcome, dear. please stop this emotional abuse he does. he probably feels a piece of $h!t deep down and wants to make others ( u) feel the same in order for him to feel better about himself.

take care of u. i m here

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Ifalltopieces

Dela, I think he is a miserable person. He has often told me that I am his everything. He also tells me that without me nothing else in his life matters. He is quite dramatic when he tells me these things...tears and all. There is some deficiency in his life and our relationship is his escape from that. Maybe it's his own childhood upbringing...who knows.

 

I know he loves me. But it's not the kind of love people in normal relationships have. It's a very selfish, one sided kind of love. He uses lies to keep me when In reality I am two steps ahead planning how and when I will break it off. I know when I walk away he will find someone else to take my place. He says he doesn't love his wife and doesn't know if he did, but he doesn't leave. It makes no sense. When he talks about our future I want to throw up.

 

My theory: I think he stays with her because it's safe. He knows she won't ever leave. Or at least he thinks she won't. He can do whatever he wants and he knows she will stay. Someone on another post asked me how I know this. I've seen texts. She knows there is someone else and she told him he is the only man she has ever loved and she doesn't want to lose him. Sometimes I wonder if she has the real man he is and I get the tainted one. I compare myself to her consistently and it has taken a HUGE toll on my self esteem. I just wish I was good enough. oh well :/

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Dela, I think he is a miserable person. He has often told me that I am his everything. He also tells me that without me nothing else in his life matters. He is quite dramatic when he tells me these things...tears and all. There is some deficiency in his life and our relationship is his escape from that. Maybe it's his own childhood upbringing...who knows.

 

I know he loves me. But it's not the kind of love people in normal relationships have. It's a very selfish, one sided kind of love. He uses lies to keep me when In reality I am two steps ahead planning how and when I will break it off. I know when I walk away he will find someone else to take my place. He says he doesn't love his wife and doesn't know if he did, but he doesn't leave. It makes no sense. When he talks about our future I want to throw up.

 

My theory: I think he stays with her because it's safe. He knows she won't ever leave. Or at least he thinks she won't. He can do whatever he wants and he knows she will stay. Someone on another post asked me how I know this. I've seen texts. She knows there is someone else and she told him he is the only man she has ever loved and she doesn't want to lose him. Sometimes I wonder if she has the real man he is and I get the tainted one. I compare myself to her consistently and it has taken a HUGE toll on my self esteem. I just wish I was good enough. oh well :/

 

1st bolded - you are dead on here. He may love you, but his definition of love is not the same as you or I. He loves the things you do for him. He loves the way you make him feel. He loves the fun you have together. He doesn't want to lose. Just my own theory from fumbling around with my own definition of love, all those things are great and definitely contribute to the feeling of love. I think that real deep feeling of love gets built in the crappy times, disagreements, are how you handle crisis together. If you either avoid that or lash out when the going gets tough, is that really love? In my book that's someone who only thinks of themselves. You deserve someone who loves as fully as you do.

 

2nd bolded - oh no, she does not get the real man. She probably gets more good times than you just because she is with him more. She also gets more of the bad, and her brain is probably more fried as she's spent more years with him. You are not less than her in any way and it has nothing to do with you being good enough. Those texts you read, think about how worthless she must feel too. I'm sure she is thinking (and he is telling her) if I just did this this and this better he wouldn't cheat. So he has two women catering to his every whim, doing whatever they think they can to make him happy and he's still miserable. Poor baby. It's a bottomless pit no one can fill. He could have 10 OW and he'd still be playing victim. It has NOTHING to do with your worth as a person, it is his problem. I'm willing to bet you someone out there will find you, just as you are, better than good enough. Hugs!

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Ifalltopieces
1st bolded - you are dead on here. He may love you, but his definition of love is not the same as you or I. He loves the things you do for him. He loves the way you make him feel. He loves the fun you have together. He doesn't want to lose. Just my own theory from fumbling around with my own definition of love, all those things are great and definitely contribute to the feeling of love. I think that real deep feeling of love gets built in the crappy times, disagreements, are how you handle crisis together. If you either avoid that or lash out when the going gets tough, is that really love? In my book that's someone who only thinks of themselves. You deserve someone who loves as fully as you do.

 

2nd bolded - oh no, she does not get the real man. She probably gets more good times than you just because she is with him more. She also gets more of the bad, and her brain is probably more fried as she's spent more years with him. You are not less than her in any way and it has nothing to do with you being good enough. Those texts you read, think about how worthless she must feel too. I'm sure she is thinking (and he is telling her) if I just did this this and this better he wouldn't cheat. So he has two women catering to his every whim, doing whatever they think they can to make him happy and he's still miserable. Poor baby. It's a bottomless pit no one can fill. He could have 10 OW and he'd still be playing victim. It has NOTHING to do with your worth as a person, it is his problem. I'm willing to bet you someone out there will find you, just as you are, better than good enough. Hugs!

 

Your SO beyond right!!!!! Comparing MM to a bottomless pit is the cold hard truth. I don't know that anyone will ever be able to fill all of his voids. And yes, he is absolutely a poor baby. Everything is about him and what he wants. If he doesn't get his way, he sulks, picks fights and makes me feel like the bad guy.

 

He sure does have it made...two women who make him feel like master of the universe. Pretty sickening when you really sit back and look at it. I don't know who I feel sorry for more; him, me or her?

 

Thanks for your support with this...it really does give me strength to talk to other people that can identify with how I feel and want I'm going through. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here and let it all out.

 

Thanks :)

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Right! That pit will never be filled either because he doesn't realize it's his problem. I'm guessing he gets a lot of admiration from others, whether it be from his money, good looks, talents, charisma, whatever. He doesn't give much of himself to get that. He thinks because he actually gives to you (even if its crumbs), he deserves the world from you. When those expectations aren't met, you are the ungrateful one. Bull. Think back to the last time he did something nice for you. What did he get out of it? Was he expecting something in return? If those expectations weren't met did he pout or pick a fight? That, in my opinion, is not loving, it's manipulative. I really don't know if they can see that tho. Sometimes manipulative people can manipulate even their own minds.

 

You are doing great. Just keep acknowledging the truth of the matter. You will find your way out :)

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Ifalltopieces

Last night I saw him.

 

I asked him a question about her. It was a simple question, nothing deep.

 

His response: "you know I don't talk to her. Geez didn't we just talk about this? You know it pisses me off when you bring her up. I really wish you cared about my feelings but you don't because you keep doing it. See how the mood changes when you bring her up? Maybe if you focused on us vs her, we wouldn't have this problem".

 

I very quietly whispered "sorry" and changed the subject.

 

He sulked and played poor baby the rest the time. Eventually he perked back up.

 

I can't even ask a darn question. It's like walking on egg shells. What an a**.

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Ifalltopieces

So I can't really complain if I'm going to put up with it but as each day goes by I feel myself getting more and more fed up.

 

I'm not feeling so great concerning my job. I voice this to MM. Keep in mind, when HE wants to vent about his job or any other BS he chooses to complain about, I listen, offer support and try to make him feel better. Do you know what this selfish jerk says to me?

 

"When I see you later, you better be positive. I really can't take any of your negativity today. I already have enough of my own".

 

I wanted to burst into tears but instead I choked them down and told him I had to go. He was annoyed that I ended the convo and had to go but I hung up anyway.

 

Do I just have unreasonable expectations? I didn't want him to fix it. I really just wanted him to listen.

 

Jerk. :/

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Grapesofwrath

I'm not feeling so great concerning my job. I voice this to MM. Keep in mind, when HE wants to vent about his job or any other BS he chooses to complain about, I listen, offer support and try to make him feel better. Do you know what this selfish jerk says to me?

 

"When I see you later, you better be positive. I really can't take any of your negativity today. I already have enough of my own".

 

I wanted to burst into tears but instead I choked them down and told him I had to go. He was annoyed that I ended the convo and had to go but I hung up anyway.

 

Do I just have unreasonable expectations? I didn't want him to fix it. I really just wanted him to listen.

 

Jerk. :/

 

Nothing unreasonable about expecting your lover to listen to your troubles and offer support. Add this experience to the list of ways that he shows you he is not worth your time. I know it takes a while to get your heart to line up with your head. Please use this experience to bring yourself one step closer to getting to the point where you are ready to tell him goodbye forever.

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Ifalltopieces

Grapes: I am getting to the point where I'm feeling less tears and more anger! I really want him to hurt the way I have been hurt.

 

When I finally tell him to get lost once and for all do you think ANY part of him will hurt. It's so wrong to wish harm on others, but I want a part of him to break. :(

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Grapes: I am getting to the point where I'm feeling less tears and more anger! I really want him to hurt the way I have been hurt.

 

When I finally tell him to get lost once and for all do you think ANY part of him will hurt. It's so wrong to wish harm on others, but I want a part of him to break. :(

You won't have to do anything. Karma will get him. It will be better than your imagination. Hug

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Ifalltopieces

Thanks NewLeaf..

 

That made me smile :) I really hope karma gets him good.

 

I know it's gotten me.

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