Tired of bread crumbs [updated]

[Popsicle]

Let me save you the guess work: your AP will not ever leave his marriage.

 

Still, I think you should leave yours and be on your own. Both you and your husband deserve to be with someone who you are in love with and is in love with you in return.

[GirlStillStrong]

Did you have an affair because you have put all this work into your marriage and family and wanted something for yourself? Because that's what it seems like to me. Looking backward (from your story) I wonder if the kind of relationship you accepted from your husband was something closer to codependence than interdependence. The Codependent relationship dynamic doesn't work, IMO. It doesn't sound to me like you really want to leave your marriage. So hit the Reset button. Why don't you and your husband learn a new way of relating? Together. Then, instead of you having an affair, you get to work on those things that build YOU, those things that are important to YOU. Not your husband, not your kids, not your family, not your house. YOU. Drop the OM; he doesn't sound like he's adding much to your life other than some emotion.

[whichwayisup]

My spouse is a great man with an amazing heart. He is by no means a push over or a punk, but he loves me and he has made it clear that he will exhaust all measures to save us. We have had our problems, but we have always stuck together. I love him. I am not, and do not know if I ever have been in love with him. I have very little respect for him. I have a great deal of resentment toward him for things in our past. There was a lot of drinking and a lot of verbal abuse but over the past 2 years he has changed drastically. He has curved his drinking habits and became more of the man I thought I wanted. When my AP and I were in NC, I confessed my affair. The guilt began to kill and consume me so I fessed up. What I didn't tell him was I resumed the affair and have been ever since.

 

My AP and I have had 3 NC situations. All initiated by me. He chased me and I went willingly back into it. I love my AP. I am in love with my AP. I connect with him in every way. My AP has hurt me a lot. There have been many lies and many broken promises. I still continue to have faith in him. I want to believe in him. I believe underneath all the bad is someone really good. When it's good it's good and when It's bad it's really bad. I know people on the outside must think the decision is easy but it's the hardest decision I've ever been faced with.

 

Reading this again, maybe neither man is 'the one' for you.

 

I suggested, as others have too, be alone and on your own. Find "you" again and be happy and complete, independent and self sufficient for a while.

[Bittersweetie]

Pieces,

 

I think at this point you need to make a decision on who you want to be moving forward, regardless of your H or your AP. You need to make choice for yourself.

 

Do you want to be someone who lies? Who knowingly hurts others? Do you want to be a person who allows another to manipulate you? Do you want to be a person who does not keep their word?

 

The choices is yours on how you take over your own personal being. Once you decide, then how you interact with your H and AP will fall into place. Some say that the real measure of character is not when one makes a poor choice, but what they do after it.

 

You say you are a liar and a cheater. Do you want to remain one then? You can choose to not be a liar or a cheater. You can choose what kind of person you want to be.

 

It's not easy, and your choice may not affect what choice your H and AP make. I've been there. After d-day, I didn't know if my H would stay with me. Who would blame him for leaving me after what I did?

 

But I decided that, regardless of whether we stick together, I no longer wanted to be the person who lied and hurt people. So I worked on myself and rebuilding my own honesty and integrity. I did it for MYSELF.

 

My H and I are still together, five plus years after d-day. We now have a son. It was not an easy road, however I am happy with the person I am now. A person who lives authentically and models that behavior for my son.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[Ifalltopieces]

Bittersweetie,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It truly gives me hope. Even if things don't work out with my husband and we can't salvage what's left of our marriage, I still need and tend to work on my issues. I don't want to be the awful person I have allowed myself to become. I am better than this and I have more to offer.

 

I know the road ahead is long and I know it's not going to be easy. But I want it. I have to make my wrongs right and I have to heal myself. I hope and pray my story ends as positive as yours...even if it doesn't end with a happy marriage, at least I will be on a healthier path, being a healthier person. I never want to cause anyone this pain ever again.

[Friskyone4u]

Well, one of the reasons you are having this problem is that your husband has let you sit on the fence . In my opinion he needs to give you about 15'minutes to write a no contact letter ,'turn over all your passwords , and account for every minute you are not in the house.

And if that sounds unappealing to you I think he would hand you divorce papers to sign.

Of course he is doing all the wrong things trying to "nice" you back and is tolerating the open marriage you have created for him.

The choice should not be yours but his

He is throne with the problem not you . You are getting no consequences so that is why your tug of war goes on .

You two need to divorce and you need to be free to play mistress and like the other women have said you will sadly find out how you will wind up

[Ifalltopieces]

I don't know why I love the MM I'm having an affair with. Truth is, he is a real prick. He is rude, insensitive, selfish and sometimes even cruel.

 

What character flaw do I have that keeps me bound to a liar, manipulator and cheat?

 

I frequently envision walking away with my head held high, with the small amount of dignity and self respect I have left...all the while watching him hurt because I've crushed his ego. But instead I stay. I stay and I have given him a free ticket to treat me like a dog. What is wrong with me?

 

Spare me the, "karma, you should know better" responses. I know all of that. I want to know there is hope that one day I will have the strength and courage to tell him to go F himself....I feel incredibly hopeless and broken. He has broken my spirit and I allowed him to do it. Sick.

[GoldieLox]

There are exceptions to every rule, so obviously this doesn't apply to every last woman to have an affair... but I think a lot of it has to do with our own ego, pride, and attachment issues. A lot of us have family of origin issues.

 

I know why I felt the way I did. The problem was, I didn't resolve these issues until it was too late. I allowed myself to break my own morals, beliefs, and hurt the person I love most in life. I should've gone back to therapy when I saw this all coming. Hindsight is everything.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why I love the MM I'm having an affair with. Truth is, he is a real prick. He is rude, insensitive, selfish and sometimes even cruel.

 

What character flaw do I have that keeps me bound to a liar, manipulator and cheat?

 

I frequently envision walking away with my head held high, with the small amount of dignity and self respect I have left...all the while watching him hurt because I've crushed his ego. But instead I stay. I stay and I have given him a free ticket to treat me like a dog. What is wrong with me?

 

Spare me the, "karma, you should know better" responses. I know all of that. I want to know there is hope that one day I will have the strength and courage to tell him to go F himself....I feel incredibly hopeless and broken. He has broken my spirit and I allowed him to do it. Sick.

 

You just aren't done yet with him being a dick to you and treating you like crap. You're letting your heart and emotions take over your head and gut, knowing full well what you should do - walk away once and for all - Yet you stay because you're addicted to how he makes you feel, whether it's good or bad, it's intense and deep.

 

Find that courage, it's there! Dig down deep and go to counseling to help you get strong enough so you can actually end it with him.

[casey.lives]

you broke God's laws having sex outside of marriage and committing adultery with a married man. God protects marriages so naturally anyone who tries to destroy them is due to suffer.. his way of making you turn to him for help to break the spiritual bondage and release you to find what's yours and not what belongs to others. Marriage is scared.. it's the holy grail..it's where God's love leaks into humanity. it's DANGER.

try praying for your release instead of the demises of that poor marriage..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

One thing I can promise you, is that it won't end until you are good and darn ready. You hold the key, no one else can do it for you. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll take action. Your choices got you into this and only your choices can get you out. It's up to you.

[GoldieLox]

One thing I can promise you, is that it won't end until you are good and darn ready. You hold the key, no one else can do it for you. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll take action. Your choices got you into this and only your choices can get you out. It's up to you.

 

This. And you'll probably waffle back and forth a few times, but you will reach a breaking point. And then after you finally do, you need to understand how and why you got here in the first place to make sure it never happens again. It involves a lot of soul searching and humbling of oneself.

[Ifalltopieces]

MM says if I don't trust him I should just tell him to get lost. He also says I have no reason not to trust him and he doesn't feel "wanted" anymore. He says he feels like an inconvienence. HA!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry but if I make him feel so damn bad why doesn't he just end it...

 

I'm tired of his passive aggressive demeanor and narcissism.. Everything is my fault and quite frankly I'm getting really sick and tired of being his scapegoat and emotional punching bag. What kind of woman am I that I bring out so much negativity in one person

 

This is bound to kill me if I don't end it. What does this BS even mean?

[Gloria_Smellons]

Ah. The hilarious irony of a proven liar being asked to be taken at his word.

 

You can't trust him because he is not trustworthy. That is just a statement of fact.

 

Sounds to me like he thinks you're not being the good little mistress anymore and he doesn't like it.

[casey.lives]

He's married!!! it is extremely inconvenient! how dare he.?! Tell him:Go feel wanted by your WIFE!!

[carhill]

If this wasn't MM, how would you respond to your post here?

 

I've BTDT and, once upon a time decades ago with one particular MW, for nearly a decade. What advice would you have given me when I'd complain about feeling like a tampon and grousing about the push/pull of the whole ordeal?

 

Trust me, I know how hard it is to hold a mirror up and take a critical look. IMO, that look is the first step to the rest of one's life, a healthy life, with whatever choices are to be made. We're each in charge of us. We choose.

 

Good luck in your choices!

[Wambo]

MM says if I don't trust him I should just tell him to get lost. He also says I have no reason not to trust him and he doesn't feel "wanted" anymore. He says he feels like an inconvienence. HA!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry but if I make him feel so damn bad why doesn't he just end it...

 

I'm tired of his passive aggressive demeanor and narcissism.. Everything is my fault and quite frankly I'm getting really sick and tired of being his scapegoat and emotional punching bag. What kind of woman am I that I bring out so much negativity in one person

 

This is bound to kill me if I don't end it. What does this BS even mean?

 

Do yourself a favour....

 

Google: The Effects of gaslighting

And it should be the top result narcissisticbehavior . net***********

 

And have a good read and see if the text mirror your experience. If it does then please leave the toxic monster because the longer you stay, the more damage he will do.

[MissBee]

MM says if I don't trust him I should just tell him to get lost. He also says I have no reason not to trust him and he doesn't feel "wanted" anymore. He says he feels like an inconvienence. HA!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry but if I make him feel so damn bad why doesn't he just end it...

 

I'm tired of his passive aggressive demeanor and narcissism.. Everything is my fault and quite frankly I'm getting really sick and tired of being his scapegoat and emotional punching bag. What kind of woman am I that I bring out so much negativity in one person

 

This is bound to kill me if I don't end it. What does this BS even mean?

 

The bold is where you're wrong.

 

Don't take that on to yourself. You didn't bring out anything in him. This is him. It seems him using you as his emotional punching bag and blaming you for everything has been internalized for you to be thinking this way...emotionally and physically abusive people always make their actions the fault of the victim saying if you didn't do this, that, breathe, blink, etc. I wouldn't have hit you, cheated on you, etc and they are always the victims.

 

Please end this and don't allow yourself to be run raggedy by this man. There is nothing to figure out. Translation: I am a passive aggressive man who cannot own up to anything and when my ego isn't stroked and everything isn't my way I lash out and act like a poor thing or make it the other person's fault.

 

But you're both where you are because neither of you have chosen to end it. If he feels so bad why doesn't he end it you say? If he's making you feel so bad, why don't you end it?

[Ifalltopieces]

The bold is where you're wrong.

 

Don't take that on to yourself. You didn't bring out anything in him. This is him. It seems him using you as his emotional punching bag and blaming you for everything has been internalized for you to be thinking this way...emotionally and physically abusive people always make their actions the fault of the victim saying if you didn't do this, that, breathe, blink, etc. I wouldn't have hit you, cheated on you, etc and they are always the victims.

 

Please end this and don't allow yourself to be run raggedy by this man. There is nothing to figure out. Translation: I am a passive aggressive man who cannot own up to anything and when my ego isn't stroked and everything isn't my way I lash out and act like a poor thing or make it the other person's fault.

 

But you're both where you are because neither of you have chosen to end it. If he feels so bad why doesn't he end it you say? If he's making you feel so bad, why don't you end it?

 

 

Your right. I only have myself to blame for the choices I have made and continue to make. You ask why I don't end it...I know it sounds like a cop out but I truly don't know. I have initiated NC several times and every time I allowed myself to be pulled back in to the same vicious circle.

 

I'm so close to snapping on him and when I do, there will be absolutely no going back. I can feel anger and rage growing inside me day after day. I'm mostly mad at myself but I would be lying if I denied feeling anger toward him too. Your analysis of him is spot on. If things aren't his way, he acts like a child and throws tantrums. He is selfish and manipulative in every way. I wonder if he is just that way with me....jerk.

[HappyAgain2014]

He's a passive aggressive baby. He'd tell his wife the same crap if the affair was discovered. Hopefully this shows you what you'd really get if you had him outside of an affair.

 

At least you can walk away easy. His poor wife would have to get divorced to get away from him.

[Ifalltopieces]

He's a passive aggressive baby. He'd tell his wife the same crap if the affair was discovered. Hopefully this shows you what you'd really get if you had him outside of an affair.

 

At least you can walk away easy. His poor wife would have to get divorced to get away from him.

 

Your SO right!!!! All he cares about is himself and what HE wants.

 

As for his wife, she lets him do whatever he wants. She doesn't rock his boat. She is neat and tidy in her place and she stays put. His wife will never leave him. she is very co dependent and in a sick way they are very good for each other.

[HappyAgain2014]

Your SO right!!!! All he cares about is himself and what HE wants.

 

As for his wife, she lets him do whatever he wants. She doesn't rock his boat. She is neat and tidy in her place and she stays put. His wife will never leave him. she is very co dependent and in a sick way they are very good for each other.

 

With all due respect, you're putting up with his crap too so how are you different from his wife? You really need to look at that.

[Ifalltopieces]

With all due respect, you're putting up with his crap too so how are you different from his wife? You really need to look at that.

 

No offense taken. It's true. But there is a difference. I will walk. And when he starts coming at me like that, I put him right back in HIS place.

 

That's what started all this. I told him some FACTS and TRUTHS he didn't wanna hear and he got mad. He broke me down but I'm fighting my way back.

 

As each day passes, he makes it easier and easier to walk away. The time is coming.

[Artie Lang]

if you're so sick and tired of his antics, why don't you end it yourself. why leave it to him to make a move to end thing. sounds like you're going around in circles waiting for someone else to make crucial life decisions for you.

 

he's never gonna change if what you say is true about his wife not leaving him. once you decide to 86 him, you can bet he'll someone else to take your place- BELIEVE IT! right now, he's seeing how far he can push it. he's totally comfortable in this situation- two women at his beck n call with no consequences whatsoever to worry about.

[Popsicle]

I think it just sounds to me like you both are just alike: unwilling to budge. So you both tell the other "if you don't like my terms, then end it". Sometimes you just don't agree and you have to accept that and end it.