Tired of bread crumbs [updated]

[Cymbeline]

'MSee, I used this as an open door. A door to say how I felt about liars. I told him that anyone who would intentionally and maliciously lie to deceive another person was the true definition of evil. He agreed!!! Little did he know I was meaning HIM!! '

 

Oh dear me. Where is your self awareness?

[Ifalltopieces]

I wasn't going to post a response but I felt like I needed too.

 

First, yes I have lied. Never denied that.

 

Second, what I have NOT done is make up and/or invent stories. I never maliciously made things up to "keep" anybody.

 

As for his spouse, If she ever confronted me about the relationship I would refer her to her husband. I owe her nothing. HE took vows with her, NOT me. He told me they were divorced. By the time I found out the truth, I was knee deep in his BS.

 

Happy trails

[Ifalltopieces]

MM blames me for everything. I'm not sure why. Usually I just take it, apologize (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm appologizing for) all so I can avoid an even bigger confrontation.

 

Today he sent me a text. Apparently he is going out of town to visit family. Fine.

Ill spare you the details, but it ended with him writing me back in huge letters, cursing me telling me to shut the f up and just listen to what he was saying.

 

I sent him a text back telling him to not talk to me like that and I ended the convo. Then he replies and tells me I'm in a bad mood and he doesn't know why but he guesses that's what he deserves.

 

I'm lost. I'm confused and quite frankly I'm over this rediculous, dysfunctional heap of destruction. I'm starting to really hate him. I can feel tension in my body. I am really on the verge of freaking out and letting him have it.

 

I don't even know why I'm posting this...maybe just to get it all out.

[GoldieLox]

Stop being his punching bag and walk away. If you aren't in IC then I suggest some, stat. He's emotionally abusive.

[whatatangledweb]

Please end it. That is emotional abuse and a huge warning sign. Your MM is controlling and domineering. I know this from experience with my 1st husband. It will get worse with time not better. They treat you good then out of no where treat you like crap. You don't deserve that treatment from anyone. Nor should you ever allow it from anyone.

[unluckycharms]

MM blames me for everything. I'm not sure why. Usually I just take it, apologize (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm appologizing for) all so I can avoid an even bigger confrontation.

 

Today he sent me a text. Apparently he is going out of town to visit family. Fine.

Ill spare you the details, but it ended with him writing me back in huge letters, cursing me telling me to shut the f up and just listen to what he was saying.

 

I sent him a text back telling him to not talk to me like that and I ended the convo. Then he replies and tells me I'm in a bad mood and he doesn't know why but he guesses that's what he deserves.

 

I'm lost. I'm confused and quite frankly I'm over this rediculous, dysfunctional heap of destruction. I'm starting to really hate him. I can feel tension in my body. I am really on the verge of freaking out and letting him have it.

 

I don't even know why I'm posting this...maybe just to get it all out.

 

I think a lot of them are blame shifters because it helps them justify knowingly breaking their vows and lying to their wives and their affair partners. If they had a realistic view of fault and the consequences of actions they'd have to recognize how selfish and careless they're being. Mine screams and yells at me too and I've found that he does it the most when he is faced with hard evidence of how badly he is treating his wife. So it might be a way to deflect or project their guilt as well.

 

Don't engage with him. I argue with mine and scream and yell back (we've seriously said some terrible things to each other) and it just ends up wasting a ton of time and making me feel worse.

Edited August 9, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Ifalltopieces]

Unluckycharms,

 

I do the same thing and it never gets me anywhere. If I even try to fight or argue back he twists it and manipulates me to end up apologizing.

 

I think you may be right about the guilt. I wish he felt guilty sometimes for the way he treats me :/

 

I just don't know why I'm not good Enough or worthy of the truth and being treated with respect.

[unluckycharms]

Unluckycharms,

 

I do the same thing and it never gets me anywhere. If I even try to fight or argue back he twists it and manipulates me to end up apologizing.

 

I think you may be right about the guilt. I wish he felt guilty sometimes for the way he treats me :/

 

I just don't know why I'm not good Enough or worthy of the truth and being treated with respect.

 

It's not that you're not good or worthy enough. He treats everyone this way.

 

One of the biggest hurdles for me in getting away from my ex has been accepting that I can't control his actions. I implicitly subscribed to the idea that I could make him be with me and therefore thought I was a failure and asked myself what I had done wrong when he didn't leave his wife. It's part of the message society sends women that if we're "x" (thin, pretty, rich, etc.) enough, then we get the man and the happy life, but it's not true. People will mistreat us and bad things will happen to us sometimes and there's nothing we can do to stop or change them. The only thing we can control is ourselves.

 

Most likely he does feel guilty on some level, but as I said before, these guys are great at mental gymnastics and convincing themselves that they're not doing anything wrong.

Edited August 9, 2015 by unluckycharms
Typo

[Morbius]

I think you know what to do, but just do not have the strength yet to follow through.

Everyone here is saying the same basic words. Get out, and don't look back. Of course easier said...

 

I would look inside your heart and soul, and ask yourself these questions:

 

1) Who are you?

2) What do you want?

3) Why are you here?

4) Where are you going?

5) Do you have anything worth living for?

 

My two cents:

These can be very difficult to answer when your judgement is clouded by a malicious manipulative jerk. You have forgotten who you were, and need to reclaim the person you truly are. You want you back. Not your life, but you. You are here because of lies and selfishness not of your making. Your path will be clearer when you recognize the false king is just that, false and knock him over.

 

But also remember the only person who can make you happy is you. Once you distance yourself, and you will, then opportunities will find you.

IF2P, you must put yourself first and that is the bottom line. Never settle for anything less.

 

Again some will say simplistic, but look deep and rediscover your answers to who, what, why, where, and bring back the person you are and live for YOU. So the last answer is, you have you to live for, and you are in control.

 

The truth is, it was not nor ever was about him, it has always been about you.

 

Pick up the pieces, BUT do not use glue to put yourself back together, gluing pieces will only hide the cracks and will soon break again. Instead put all of you in the furnace and melt the shards, then as a glassblower reshape you into a new stronger person. No cracks....no pieces to fall off.

Once you answer the questions, I believe you will find the courage and strength that was always there.

 

Best wishes

[Ifalltopieces]

Everybody is right and I know it.

 

It's hard to admit that I could have been so wrong about someone I love and it's even harder to accept the person I have allowed myself to become.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I know the way he treats me is inexcusable. I think the part that keeps me bound to him is my lack of self esteem. If I felt like he really cared at all, it might make it easier to break free. I know the logic seems twisted. If I could stop looking at it like I'm losing, I think I would be able to walk easier.

 

I don't know where the morphed thinking comes from. I guess I have a serious character flaw. Funny thing is, before MM I don't remember being this broke.

 

I have my NC letter all typed and ready to go. I just need to send it and never look back.

[Morbius]

Everybody is right and I know it.

 

It's hard to admit that I could have been so wrong about someone I love and it's even harder to accept the person I have allowed myself to become.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I know the way he treats me is inexcusable. I think the part that keeps me bound to him is my lack of self esteem. If I felt like he really cared at all, it might make it easier to break free. I know the logic seems twisted. If I could stop looking at it like I'm losing, I think I would be able to walk easier.

 

I don't know where the morphed thinking comes from. I guess I have a serious character flaw. Funny thing is, before MM I don't remember being this broke.

 

I have my NC letter all typed and ready to go. I just need to send it and never look back.

 

Send it and don't look back. You are not losing a thing, you are getting you back.

Before exMM you weren't broke, bottom line.

[unluckycharms]

Everybody is right and I know it.

 

It's hard to admit that I could have been so wrong about someone I love and it's even harder to accept the person I have allowed myself to become.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I know the way he treats me is inexcusable. I think the part that keeps me bound to him is my lack of self esteem. If I felt like he really cared at all, it might make it easier to break free. I know the logic seems twisted. If I could stop looking at it like I'm losing, I think I would be able to walk easier.

 

I don't know where the morphed thinking comes from. I guess I have a serious character flaw. Funny thing is, before MM I don't remember being this broke.

 

I have my NC letter all typed and ready to go. I just need to send it and never look back.

 

Please don't think of it as a character flaw. A lot of women naturally think of relationships this way due to the way we're socialized and I think that married men play on it by painting their wife as somehow flawed in order to foster the belief that if we're "better" than her, he'll be with us. The human ego is fragile and the wife and the affair partner both end up competing for the idiot in order to validate their feelings of self worth even though he doesn't deserve either of them. When I find myself going down that line of thinking I remind myself that he's not a prize and that I can "win" by getting out now. It's always good to figure out why you ended up in a bad relationship and try to turn it into a learning experience but no one is broken for experiencing these emotions.

 

Good luck on the NC. I actually just stumbled with maintaining mine this past week and saw my ex a few times but I'm getting back on the wagon and trying not to hate myself too much over it.

[OldRover]

Send it and don't look back. You are not losing a thing, you are getting you back.

Before exMM you weren't broke, bottom line.

 

Heck, don't even send it, no upside... just STOP NOW.... don't answer, respond or see him again. He'll eventually get the message.

 

And you need closure.

[Ifalltopieces]

He tried to manipulate me tonight and it didn't work. Apparently I hurt his feelings earlier ( how I have NO clue) so he whined and cried over text, telling me that he had a horrible day and I didn't tell him I missed him all day and blah blah blah. He acts like he is miserable if I'm not doting on him and kissing his A** all day long.

 

I did blow him off today. He said something about how he knows I'm pulling away and eventually gonna end it.

 

What's up with playing the "you hurt my feelings so I'm gonna pout" card? Is he really feeling bad or is it an act? It's terribe that part of me WANTS him to feel bad and miserable. When I finally get rid of him, I hope it hits him full force right where it counts. I want him to feel the anguish I have felt.

 

Each day I get a little bit stronger...each day he pushes me further and further away. It's coming.

[winterkeep]

I can't believe I just read all eleven pages!

 

Ok, there is NO doubt in my mind at all what you are dealing with here. This man is not a jerk, he's not selfish, he does not have narcissistic traits - he has a personality disorder - he IS a narcissist and a very pathological one at that.

 

This helps you because it explains your own reactions too, which believe it or not, are almost textbook narcissistic victim behaviour, sweetheart you are NORMAL. You will eventually need to work on the whys of your falling and remaining a victim to this man eventually but for now you need to work on getting out because THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.

 

I do not know if we can post links here but please go and google "The three phases of a narcissistic relationship cycle" I bet this will be like looking into a mirror for you. Right now you are in the devaluation phase, this will continue as long as you let it or until he gets bored and devalues you so much that you aren't even worth his time apart from a few crumbs to ensure he still has some control (not of you, you're just a vector). If you end up on the site I hope you do there are a lot of links to other articles down the side of the page - read them all!

 

You will only be able to disengage by understanding what you're dealing with and your reactions to it - let me reiterate your confusion, pain and fear of letting go are normal, you are being manipulated.

[winterkeep]

In addition to the above obviously this man cannot be diagnosed through anecdote so see the above as a label if you will rather then a diagnosis HOWEVER! Labels are not always bad, they let us categorise, recognise and plan. Sometimes by seeing that your situation is typical (of a certain pathology - not thankfully of humans!) you can make sense of your own emotional response. You will see that many partners of narcissists have been left with no ability to regulate their own thoughts and reactions as they have been conditioned to doubt everything about themselves.

 

If you believe what I posted is accurate please seek the assistance of a psych who is specialised in PDs (personality disorders) not all are and many will ignore the actions of a narc to focus purely on you disregarding the cause and effect relationship.

 

You really need to do this, the emotional damage can be so great as to develop PTSD in many victims. Not only that they are often more susceptible to narcs in the future associating the rollercoaster of emotions as love and passion. It's not.

[whichwayisup]

MM blames me for everything. I'm not sure why. Usually I just take it, apologize (even though I'm not quite sure what I'm appologizing for) all so I can avoid an even bigger confrontation.

 

Today he sent me a text. Apparently he is going out of town to visit family. Fine.

Ill spare you the details, but it ended with him writing me back in huge letters, cursing me telling me to shut the f up and just listen to what he was saying.

 

I sent him a text back telling him to not talk to me like that and I ended the convo. Then he replies and tells me I'm in a bad mood and he doesn't know why but he guesses that's what he deserves.

 

I'm lost. I'm confused and quite frankly I'm over this rediculous, dysfunctional heap of destruction. I'm starting to really hate him. I can feel tension in my body. I am really on the verge of freaking out and letting him have it.

 

I don't even know why I'm posting this...maybe just to get it all out.

 

He is being a jerk so you will finally end it and walk away, so it seems. Some guys (usually teens or game players) do this, be a total douchebag a.hole so the girl will get fed up and end it because they don't have the courage to end it themselves.

 

Anyway, his attitude and the way he treats you is NOT ACCEPTABLE so good that you told him off - Even though he got passive with you (manipulation and guilt trip) Do hate him, find that anger to make you tell him to leave you alone for good.

[unluckycharms]

I can't believe I just read all eleven pages!

 

Ok, there is NO doubt in my mind at all what you are dealing with here. This man is not a jerk, he's not selfish, he does not have narcissistic traits - he has a personality disorder - he IS a narcissist and a very pathological one at that.

 

This helps you because it explains your own reactions too, which believe it or not, are almost textbook narcissistic victim behaviour, sweetheart you are NORMAL. You will eventually need to work on the whys of your falling and remaining a victim to this man eventually but for now you need to work on getting out because THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.

 

I do not know if we can post links here but please go and google "The three phases of a narcissistic relationship cycle" I bet this will be like looking into a mirror for you. Right now you are in the devaluation phase, this will continue as long as you let it or until he gets bored and devalues you so much that you aren't even worth his time apart from a few crumbs to ensure he still has some control (not of you, you're just a vector). If you end up on the site I hope you do there are a lot of links to other articles down the side of the page - read them all!

 

You will only be able to disengage by understanding what you're dealing with and your reactions to it - let me reiterate your confusion, pain and fear of letting go are normal, you are being manipulated.

 

Somewhat off topic but THANK YOU for posting this. I'd never heard of it before and it describes my ex perfectly. He was obsessive the first few months but then started acting more and more "off" to the point that I tried to break up with him, but every time I did he'd ramp back up with the proclamations of love and needing me. I truly felt like I didn't know what was real sometimes. He also rushed into his marriage and then immediately freaked out and tried to break it off so it seems like this is a pattern for him. I would guess that it's common for a lot of people who initiate affairs but who knows.

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe I just read all eleven pages!

 

Ok, there is NO doubt in my mind at all what you are dealing with here. This man is not a jerk, he's not selfish, he does not have narcissistic traits - he has a personality disorder - he IS a narcissist and a very pathological one at that.

 

This helps you because it explains your own reactions too, which believe it or not, are almost textbook narcissistic victim behaviour, sweetheart you are NORMAL. You will eventually need to work on the whys of your falling and remaining a victim to this man eventually but for now you need to work on getting out because THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.

 

I do not know if we can post links here but please go and google "The three phases of a narcissistic relationship cycle" I bet this will be like looking into a mirror for you. Right now you are in the devaluation phase, this will continue as long as you let it or until he gets bored and devalues you so much that you aren't even worth his time apart from a few crumbs to ensure he still has some control (not of you, you're just a vector). If you end up on the site I hope you do there are a lot of links to other articles down the side of the page - read them all!

 

You will only be able to disengage by understanding what you're dealing with and your reactions to it - let me reiterate your confusion, pain and fear of letting go are normal, you are being manipulated.

 

I need to copy and paste this and send it to a friend of mine who is dating a guy JUST LIKE what you described above.

[lemondrop21]

I'm going to recommend a book (although you may have already read it) called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It's by the woman who writes the "Baggage Reclaim" blog, which you also may have stumbled across. Reading this book was tough, but helped shift some of the responsibility and focus onto ME instead of putting so much energy into figuring out HIM.

 

I'm like you, I felt I was so strong before this, would never have let someone do this to me etc. but the truth is that it just takes the right combo of history, vulnerability and circumstance, and BAM. It happens. Rather than spend time beating yourself up, embrace it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[Ifalltopieces]

I just went NC for the final time. He left me a nasty message, blamed me said I never loved him and made me feel like the biggest POS on the planet.

 

Then he kept calling and I kept denying the calls. Then after several calls he stopped.

 

I wanna die. Help.

[Mount]

I am sorry if you are hurting...what happened previous to this drama? Can you brief your story with this MM?

[Ifalltopieces]

I've been posting on LS for months. It's a very long story but let's just say this has been going on 3 days shy of 2 years.

 

If you read my other posts it will all make sense.

[Ifalltopieces]

Before I went NC he yelled and screamed at me, told me he was tired of having to beg me for attention. Told me if I didn't change my ways he would end it. At first I started arguing back but it got me nowhere. It was all just my fault like always.when he told me he was done if I didn't change I told him ok and he didn't like that answer. Then he started yelling bad in the midst of yelling be hung up. I called back and he kept on then he said fine I'm done. So I said ok me too and hung up. Then I sent the NC letter I had wrote a few days ago and I sent it. He messaged back and told me thanks for fighting for him and thanks for proving to him what he knew was true. Then he started calling me. He left me the message blaming me for everything and then he called 7 more times. I feel like he is the one that ended it I wanted to be the one to reclaim my life and dignity. I feel like I lost. What is wrong with me?

 

Why would he keep calling me? i don't wanna care anymore.

[Poppy47]

Before I went NC he yelled and screamed at me, told me he was tired of having to beg me for attention. Told me if I didn't change my ways he would end it. At first I started arguing back but it got me nowhere. It was all just my fault like always.when he told me he was done if I didn't change I told him ok and he didn't like that answer. Then he started yelling bad in the midst of yelling be hung up. I called back and he kept on then he said fine I'm done. So I said ok me too and hung up. Then I sent the NC letter I had wrote a few days ago and I sent it. He messaged back and told me thanks for fighting for him and thanks for proving to him what he knew was true. Then he started calling me. He left me the message blaming me for everything and then he called 7 more times. I feel like he is the one that ended it I wanted to be the one to reclaim my life and dignity. I feel like I lost. What is wrong with me?

 

Why would he keep calling me? i don't wanna care anymore.

He keeps calling because he is a LUNATIC. He sounds unbalanced to me.