Girlfriend of nearly five years, cheated.

[onlineandconfused]

Hi guys,

 

New to this forum.

 

Was just hoping to get some thoughts and advice on how I can better process my emotions right now.

 

Situation:

I have just caught my girlfriend that I've been with, for nearly five years to be at her old colleagues house "watching a movie". When she told me about her going to this ex-colleagues house of hers, she made it sound as if it was an unofficial and social work gathering. I had my doubts and for some reason, my gut instinct told me to look more into it by going through her facebook messages. When I tried logging in, she had so "coincidentally" change her password a few days ago but I somehow managed to get in through my secondary email address password reset.

When I had a look at the conversation she had with this guy, it was as if he was planning on a date night (where she would come over for a movie and sleepover). Nothing in the message seemed like there was anyone else attending. I quote, and unquote some parts of the conversation they had, "my parents are away", "home alone", "come see my cat", "you have to be nice, I'm making you dinner".

 

So with the adrenaline rush of reading those messages, I head there as quick as I could during my work break and when I reached the property, my girlfriend was asleep on his couch in front of the TV. Now, i'm not 100% sure if they had done anything, or were planning to do anything, but the way I see it, was that she went behind my back.

1. She still continue to deny it when I confronted her when she was there (saying there are "latecomers")

2. She said she had not "cheated", but the room was dark, only with the TV lights on.

 

 

My girlfriend has cheated on her ex before in the past, blaming it on their "disconnected" relationship. When I started dating her, I told her strictly not to speak to the guy she had an affair with, but found out one month later that she continued to do so. We had a massive fight etc etc but everything seemed to be settled at the end. It took me almost a year and a half to get over her mistakes in the past, and I guess this brought back all those unwanted emotions and doubt that has been lingering now and then for years.

 

I'm completely in an emotional mess now, trying to figure this all out and how and why it has happened. I've been faithful to her throughout the years and she knows that she has put me through so much, and everything seemed like it was OK. Can someone with a previous experience, or any experience share light and their thoughts on this situation? She seemed sorry, but unsure whether she was sorry that she lied to me or sorry that she was caught.

 

 

EDIT: She claims to be "sorry" because she mislead me to thinking it was a group social, and also learned that she did "some stuff" after I left and broke up with her. My thoughts: If she was sorry for what she did, would she not have left his house straight away? According to her, it was because she felt alone, and unsure of where she stands with me.

Edited March 22, 2015 by onlineandconfused

[Friskyone4u]

Your girlfriend is a serial cheater and if you believe the crappy story she gave you you are in for a lot of pain . There were no late comers and there was no work party . You have messages that do not mention a thing about anyone else. She has lied to you and apparently it is not the first time .

Why would she change her password a few days before this so called party .

You don't have kids it looks like. You should tunas fast as you can and find a better person to be with . She has at the least severe boundary problems.

Get out while you can

[Satu]

I'm completely in an emotional mess now, *trying to figure this all out and how and why it has happened. I've been faithful to her throughout the years

 

*Its not about you. Its about her.

 

She did what she did because of who she is.

 

You played no part in it.

[onlineandconfused]

Yeh. just trying to process it all now. It all came as a shock. We had a 1 to 1 honest discussion and she said this was the first time she has cheated on me. When I asked her what she felt when she was performing sexual intercourse with the guy, she said she felt nothing. When we were talking about it, she was tearing up so much. What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

[Satu]

Yeh. just trying to process it all now. It all came as a shock. We had a 1 to 1 honest discussion and she said this was the first time she has cheated on me. When I asked her what she felt when she was performing sexual intercourse with the guy, she said she felt nothing. When we were talking about it, she was tearing up so much. What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

 

The next piece of nonsense she offers you will be, "I needed xyz, and you weren't giving me that."

 

I guarantee it.

 

It's not her fault, it's your fault...

 

Or so she'll try to paint it.

 

If you buy into that you're no friend to yourself.

 

The truth is, she did it because she wanted to.

[Poppyolive]

By doing what she has done, has broken your relationship. The trust is demolished. This girl has got some tissues and is certainly not capable of a committed relationship. My advice would be to sever all ties. Heal and move forward. You have no idea how many times she has created. She planned this meeting with him, to a t. All while sleeping with you. She lacks remorse, respect and above all boundaries. Saying, she only slept with this guy because you cane round and dumped her is absolute bull poo.

 

Put her in her place. Cut all ties. Move on.

[lolablue17]

What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

 

You may be in an emotional mess but your mind is very clear and sharp. There isn't a logic reason in the world for her to sleep with him at that time, other than $hitting on you and your 5 years relationship.

 

By her actions she's very well expressed her zero caring for you, your feelings, and your mutual R. There is not mush to think about. Run away from any contact with her. leave her to be where she deserves.

[Friskyone4u]

You should make of it exactly what you have been told here. Your girlfriend has lied and betrayed you in the worst way imaginable. And the tears thing is a joke. She is sorry you caught her and if you just sit there in denial she will do it again because she can and you have shown her she can get away with it .

She did it because she wanted to. Do you get that???

This was no ONS or any kind of mistake which is probably what she was telling you.

She got herself involved with another man , planned a meeting to have sex with hi, came up with a ridiculous story , went and did the deed and only because she got caught did the tears come

Now if you want to believe that is you had not busted her that the sex was so bad she would not have done it again and again you will be posting on this board for a long time.

Think about how long it is going to take you to believe anything she tells you.

You are not married , have no kids, get out of this relationship .

Your situation is not unique. And there is nothing you have to explain or justify for infidelity being a deal breaker

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeh. just trying to process it all now. It all came as a shock. We had a 1 to 1 honest discussion and she said this was the first time she has cheated on me. When I asked her what she felt when she was performing sexual intercourse with the guy, she said she felt nothing. When we were talking about it, she was tearing up so much. What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

 

Oh, boo-hoo. Of course she's crying crocodile tears - you caught her and ruined her fun time.

 

She's no longer in love with you, and has checked out of the relationship. She keeps you around for comfort and a security net when her new guy isn't exciting for her any more. She cheated because she wanted another guy. That is the logic.

 

It's over.

[No Limit]

Don't fall for her lies and don't fall for her fake tears. Kick her to the curb, be single for a while to heal and when the time is right find a girl without issues.

[Space Ritual]

Yeh. just trying to process it all now. It all came as a shock. We had a 1 to 1 honest discussion and she said this was the first time she has cheated on me. When I asked her what she felt when she was performing sexual intercourse with the guy, she said she felt nothing. When we were talking about it, she was tearing up so much. What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

 

 

 

Man she is quoting Chapter and Verse from the Cheaters Handbook

 

When answering the kind of questions you were asking with "Confused", "Unsure" or with a smattering of "I don't know", I can assure you, young man, that she is so full of crap her teeth are floating.

 

 

What you make of this is that you probably don't know the half of it and she will only admit to what she thinks you currently know, which is why she is giving you the old song and dance. Things like this are not a "one off', and her milquetoast responses indicate that ultimately she will try to blame YOU for all of this if you continue in any type of relationship with her. Cheaters, regardless of gender, do this all the time when boxed into a corner.

 

By the way...Good for you for snooping and finding out. You did not invade her privacy, obviously you invaded her secrecy. Be glad you found out now instead of finding out when you had a mortgage, a couple of kids and a ring on her finger. And please get an STD test for your own protection.

 

Seriously, you dodged a bullet. It will take time to get past it in your mind, but you will.....Time heals all wounds and Time also wounds all heels....Let her be someone else's problem. Good Luck:)

[writergal]

confusedandonline, I agree 100% with all the advice people here have offered you.

 

The rule of thumb with a cheater is so simple: once a cheater, always a cheater. People (especially so-called reform cheaters) who try to convince you that they have changed and won't cheat on you, are lying to themselves AND to you.

 

Once a cheater tells you the LIE that they will never cheat on you, consider that a predictor of their future behavior...with you.

 

There are different kinds of cheating in relationships.

 

Opportunistic Sexual Cheating

 

Obligatory Sexual Cheating

 

Romantic Cheating

 

Conflictive Romantic Cheating

 

Commemorative Cheating

 

Each is outlined on this website. I suggest that you read the description of each kind of cheating. It will help you clarify which type of cheating your ex-girlfriend did, and explain why she did, since it's unlikely you'll get the truth from her. Cheaters are known liars. If you choose to believe them, the risk falls on you to believe them.

[onlineandconfused]

Thanks everyone for your insights and kind support! At this stage, I feel like I have not fully absorbed the shock yet. I have spoken to her about it, and I feel as if she has told me the 100% truth behind what is going on. I can now, "paint a better picture" to the story.

 

She had a day or so to think about what she did and this is how she processed her thoughts and how she came up with her argument. There are two parts to it, according to her.

 

Quick overview:

PART 1

She went to her old colleague's place alone, behind my back, as she knew it was something wrong to do. According to her, she has felt "disconnected" in the past few weeks even though I did not feel so. She said there has been times where I have been less "attentive" to her needs, and she apologized that she did not push further to get my attention. According to her, she felt that like she liked this "different" kind of attention from this guy, a flirtatious kind. So by going to his place, she wanted to "affirm" that. When I asked her how she defined "flirtatious", she mentioned "talking", "undivided attention", "body close"?? According to her, she genuinely did not want any more than that.

 

OK.

 

My perspective:

Yes. We have gone through a few rough patches, but, nothing too heavy, and out of the ordinary. I thought I would've been able to tell after being with her for nearly five years, when I should really be concerned and when I should look into it. She has been very upset lately that I'm on my phone a lot(with my friends - males), when we are together. Maybe through that, she has felt like I have lost interest in her?

 

 

PART 2

So I went to his place to confront her, told her that "we were done". We have broken up a few times in the past (like in most relationships), but she must've had very confused feelings as she has just been caught going behind my back and also a heavy break-up on her. So, I drove back to work. And for some reason, she went back in his house ??? maybe to process what has just happened???? So obviously, the guy made his sexual and physical advances, and at that moment, she said she felt very alone and that she needed approval. She mentioned that she had a lot of "mixed feelings", so I guess when they had sexual intercourse, along with other sexual activities, it was her way of "escaping" that moment. Basically, she did not want to think about how she felt at that time. She mentioned she felt a mixed number of physical pain before he initiated it on her (even though, according to her, it just "kinda happened"). She said she felt a hole in her stomach and a heavy weight on her shoulders. Long story short, after their "intimate sexual behaviours", he asked her to stay the night, on his bed but she refused. She told me that an overpowering amount of guilt, that she tried to escape before she had sex with him, had come back, and even stronger, so she excused herself through a fake reason.

 

 

---------------------------

 

 

 

So, according to her, she went back straight home, had a good shower and she threw her clothes that she wore that evening/night into the bin. She said she was planning to tell me about it but she was waiting for a "right time" as she had work in the morning, and I was still working that evening. I called her that morning that she was working during her 15 min break, and that was when she told me, because my gut instincts told me to do so.

 

 

She left work early, to have a chat with me. Cried, obviously. Talk talk talk etc etc etc. According to her, she later went to buy the early morning contraceptive pill just incase (even though she claimed that he did not cum in her, and also no contraceptive measures were taken during the intercourse). And she had to go to the GP, as she was feeling unwell.

 

A day later, we still talked and tried to process what had just happened. I told her to give me more time to think about it (firstly to get over the shock, and secondly, to make sure I can make a better, and more informed decision over a period of two weeks). This will also give her more time to process what she had just done, and figure out clearer, her intentions behind every move. I told her to do this for herself, so she can be a better person for the future whether it'd be for me, or someone else. To never ever go back on that destructive path.

 

 

At the moment, I'm leaning towards savoring whatever we have left in the relationship, but with massive boundaries and massive distrust gaps. She understands that if I were to go down that path, she will have to be patient and she will have to prove herself to me.

 

 

I have yet, to make my decision, but simply telling you guys what I'm currently leaning towards to.

 

 

Sorry, its been a few days since I posted back. I needed time off to really structure what I want to say in this forum, and to make sure I am in a better mental state of mind before I type this up (to reduce confusion and bias).

 

 

I am so grateful to every single one of you for giving me your insights and support. I cannot afford a psychiatrist at this current point in time.

Edited March 24, 2015 by onlineandconfused

[Larry56]

Holy **** dude,

 

She is walking all over you.

 

Stop giving a **** about her feelings.

 

The fact that you are being so "mature" about it makes you look weak. KICK HER TO THE CURB. Your just going to let another man cum inside your girlfriend then basically say to her "It's OK you're just mixed up".

 

This woman doesn't care ENOUGH about you. That's your problem. Once you kick her out and face the real world she will wake up, or else she will just go and be in a rebound relationship with this new guy.

 

Her "not being sure" and the whole "I was confused" that's just women-speak for getting out of situations where they don't have to take responsibility for her actions.

1) She wanted to have sex from this guy but mostly wanted the attention

2) Her feelings about you are dim. Because your being a pussy and not standing up for yourself.

3) kick her to the curb. Tell her it's over. It doesn't mean it's over for now, it just means that your telling her where you stand and that cheating is not something your gonna take. Do not listen to any woman who says she's "confused" and take it seriously.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to be tested for STD's, she had unprotected sex with that guy.

 

She has to earn your trust back, be a total open book, access to her email, cell whenever you need to check up on her. I hope she's remorseful and really ready to work with you to fix things (as well as fixing herself) because if she isn't then she isn't worthy of a second chance.

[onlineandconfused]

@Larry,

 

I get where you're coming from. But the emotions and connection I have developed with her for the past five years, makes it harder for me to do this.

 

@Whichwayisup,

 

She has gone for a pap smear test. Results will be out in a few weeks. She said she is ready to do all of that, but I'm still so unsure.

 

 

Not sure if this changes anything, but when she cheated on me, she mentioned numerous times where they would just stop, and would just talk about random things like her hair, his life, random things. I'm thinking, from a logical and somewhat emotional perspective, that would've given her more chances to get out of her mistake? or maybe she was in that "zone", where nothing can penetrate through her logic and heart? I have no idea what to make of that, as I personally have not been in that situation before. All I know is that, I'm in deep f********** pain, where I have almost broken down in tears, in public, and worse, at work. My mood swings have gone through the roof, happy, sad, happy, angry in a span of few minutes. I'm losing myself at this current point in time.

 

What makes it harder for me is that, we were planning a holiday and we have booked a trip overseas, and due to fly out in two weeks time. I feel that, that is also hindering my decision making, as I really need this trip to relax, and get away from my other personal issues. I have just gone through a fair bit, I feel, as a 22 year old, in comparison to the people that are around my vicinity, cultural background wise, age wise, sociographics wise.

 

Sorry for venting out. My relationship of five years hasn't been easy on me aswell. I have had trouble dealing with her past (as previously mentioned, her cheating on her ex as he was ignoring her - he did sound like a douchebag aswell), her financial problems (with her family's poor spending habits, going close to bankrupcy etc), and then our own personal issues with each other, and now this. There is so much to lose at the same time, as I have been working on all of this for so long now.

Edited March 24, 2015 by onlineandconfused

[onlineandconfused]

On a side note, do you guys think I should go away for maybe a couple of days or so? Will that help me to clear my mind out? Think better? Or not advisable? Talk the matter with a close friend/s?

[Space Ritual]

Thanks everyone for your insights and kind support! At this stage, I feel like I have not fully absorbed the shock yet. I have spoken to her about it, and I feel as if she has told me the 100% truth behind what is going on. I can now, "paint a better picture" to the story.

 

She had a day or so to think about what she did and this is how she processed her thoughts and how she came up with her argument. There are two parts to it, according to her.

 

Quick overview:

PART 1

She went to her old colleague's place alone, behind my back, as she knew it was something wrong to do. According to her, she has felt "disconnected" in the past few weeks even though I did not feel so. She said there has been times where I have been less "attentive" to her needs, and she apologized that she did not push further to get my attention.

 

 

Seriously I stopped reading at that point.

 

She is full of crap. She made a conscious choice to cheat on you. She could have come right out and addressed it to your face, but she didn't...Boo Effing Hoo. She is a typical blameshifter.....

 

Please do yourself a favor and go NO CONTACT with this person. The only way to get through this is to delete her from your life completely. Phone number, email addresses, FB, and all social media you know of where she is need to be deleted and blocked like yesterday. Who gives a fart about how she feels about it. Actions have consequences...show her some. People say it's just not that simple? Oh yes it is. All you need are your balls and a few mouse clicks

 

Go away for awhile, lick your wounds and move forward...don't give her any more headspace. She did't respect you enough to not screw around on you, what makes you think she'll respect you if you try to "nice" her back?

[DKT3]

On a side note, do you guys think I should go away for maybe a couple of days or so? Will that help me to clear my mind out? Think better? Or not advisable? Talk the matter with a close friend/s?

 

Time away from her is great. It will allow you to think without her in your ear.

 

I have a hard time believing her story. I have a hard time thinking this is her first time. Right now she will admit to what you can prove. As you push more and more will be uncovered.

 

Get away, clear your head.

[onlineandconfused]

We do not share a place together. We are still living with our parents. What I meant was, going away for a quick holiday? Maybe two hours drive away? Will that help in any way?

[onlineandconfused]

Seriously I stopped reading at that point.

 

She is full of crap. She made a conscious choice to cheat on you. She could have come right out and addressed it to your face, but she didn't...Boo Effing Hoo. She is a typical blameshifter.....

 

Please do yourself a favor and go NO CONTACT with this person. The only way to get through this is to delete her from your life completely. Phone number, email addresses, FB, and all social media you know of where she is need to be deleted and blocked like yesterday. Who gives a fart about how she feels about it. Actions have consequences...show her some. People say it's just not that simple? Oh yes it is. All you need are your balls and a few mouse clicks

 

Go away for awhile, lick your wounds and move forward...don't give her any more headspace. She did't respect you enough to not screw around on you, what makes you think she'll respect you if you try to "nice" her back?

 

I have already deleted pics of us on social media. She has deactivated FB. We are only in contact ATM so I can better understand why she did, what she did. Not saying that any of her actions are justifiable. Just wanting to know why exactly.

[LostOnes05]

Sounds just like my ex's story. Make sure she cites her sources when reciting this crap to you. I was in a five yr that ended the same way, same BS story. You know who likes attention...dogs like attention. People like affection, commitment, and respect. Sure, you've wasted 5 years with her. But think about spending 20 with her and then having to pay child support, alimony, and move out of your house. The other alternative is helping her raise someone else's kid because she cheated, got pregnant, cried and promised to never do it again. Pretty crappy compared to losing 5 years, am I right? Trust me, there are plenty of women out there...some are just like your NOW-EX (hopefully), some aren't. Don't trade your dignity for the comfort of the familiar. Send her this over text...

 

Hey (insert random cheater's name), you should come over so we can get your stuff packed. It probably won't be a group gathering...See you at 6!

 

You have to let this girl go. By cutting ties you show her that you are your own man, and that her presence in your life doesn't define you. This is someone who doesn't respect themselves or you. I mean if she felt any sense of remorse or wanted to reconcile with you, why would she have sex with the guy and WITHOUT protection? And she can save that "he didn't ___ in me" for a fifth grader. Hopefully, you are smarter (you seem like you are)!! Show her some attention all the way to the door and wish her well. I guarantee she will be with a bunch of guys within 2 weeks. She'll probably post all sorts of pictures of her having fun drinking and clubbing to get your attention. But she won't make you jealous because you will never see it. Got it!? No friendship crap either...she violated.

[LostOnes05]

I have already deleted pics of us on social media. She has deactivated FB. We are only in contact ATM so I can better understand why she did, what she did. Not saying that any of her actions are justifiable. Just wanting to know why exactly.

 

Bro, knowing why isn't going to do you any good (trust me...it will just infuriate you more)! You are prolonging the process of kicking her to the curb. What matters is that she cheated, you caught her, and her time is up like Final Jeopardy. BYE BYE!!

[whichwayisup]

Cancel her ticket and ask her to give you the money. NO WAY should she now get to go away on a trip with you.

 

Yes, take a few days to yourself, go somewhere and shut everything out so you can think and let it all out with no one around.

Not sure if this changes anything, but when she cheated on me, she mentioned numerous times where they would just stop, and would just talk about random things like her hair, his life, random things. I'm thinking, from a logical and somewhat emotional perspective, that would've given her more chances to get out of her mistake? or maybe she was in that "zone", where nothing can penetrate through her logic and heart?

 

She bonded with him, physically and emotionally. Laying in bed 'talking' after being intimate (regardless if they went all the way that time or not makes no difference) just allowed her to become closer to him...Not to feel guilty or think of you in that scenario.

 

If you hadn't caught her, you'd be going happily on that trip! All the meanwhile she'd be sneaking off having contact with him behind your back.

[DKT3]

Listen man, your far too young with far too much in front of you to deal with this. Your not married, you don't have kids, you don't even live together. She has a history of cheating and is really blaming you for what she did.

 

If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would never even talk to her again. I would say thanks for the good time, have a good life and that would be that.

 

Honestly, it will take you longer to truly heal from this then you've been with her.