Girlfriend of nearly five years, cheated.

[road]

I have already deleted pics of us on social media. She has deactivated FB. We are only in contact ATM so I can better understand why she did, what she did. Not saying that any of her actions are justifiable. Just wanting to know why exactly.

 

 

 

 

You are young that means you have time on your side to find another GF.

 

 

Dating is the job interview for marriage. Your GF was looking to hook up with the OM that is why she was there. She has cheated on her last BF and now you. She has failed the interview.

 

 

And forget getting the answer to "why" for you will never get a good answer.

[road]

Forgot to say do not go on that trip with her.

[Diezel]

Any other option than "DUMP HER" and you are a total chump. Sorry but you have more than ENOUGH ammunition to dump this lying sack of an excuse for a human being.

[Larry56]

Generally people cheat because there is something missing in the current relationship that makes them seek out that validation or that missing piece with someone else.

 

She was probably being honest that you were not being attentive to her needs. Sounds to me like she felt that there was no passion left in your relationship and she needed to feel she was attractive to someone again.

 

Going away might help you. But I imagine what will happen is you'll just be thinking about this constantly and you'll go back home and try to get back together with her. Bad move. It's time for her to prove to YOU that she's genuinely sorry. Women have autonomy over "emotions". Socially it's very acceptable for women to do "crazy" things when their "emotional" and get away with it (in our society). But basically it just means they can do the kind of things that men aren't allowed to do, so that's why (all us guys) here are saying that by agreeing with her on her emotions, you're basically losing the battle and she really needs to be punished for this. Which means you need to do the manly thing and break up with her. At least you need to take a break and see if she draws closer to you, or if she draws closer to this guy. Which ever way she seems to be pulled is based on what she thinks she needs/wants.

 

Now here is the good part. Okay, I know you feel absolutely like crap because some ****er came along and stuck his weiner in your girlfriend. It feels like he won. You basically schlepped out 5 years of your life for this girl and here comes with guy and he ****s her probably within a few weeks of flirting with her. Makes a guy feel really crappy. Trust me I know. However, just because he got her into bed, does not mean he's won the game or won her heart. It's easy for guys to get sex, it's not easy for girls to give out their hearts to guys. Theres a huge difference. Because even though they had sex. She is still emotionally connected to YOU. She cannot feel connected to him in the same way as she feels towards you. Which is why you shouldn't feel bad in the way most guys would normally feel. When they were having sex, she was probably thinking about you.

 

Now, whether or not you wanna do anything about this. You really want to listen to what she has to say. Because this will make your next relationship better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, a couple days alone might do you some good. Just try to gain some perspective and clear your head a little. You will need a lot of time to process what's happened to you.

 

Do NOT take this other trip with her. That would be a huge mistake and will only hurt you more.

 

Break up with her and be done. You will eventually move past this, and she should not be part of the next chapter in your life.

[No Limit]

I think I see how this will end, or rather not end even though it should...

 

At least get any future offspring DNA tested. Don't sign anything without a positive DNA test.

[aliveagain]

She and O/M planned to deceive you together. She still banged him after you busted her at his place, bla, bla, bla I was confused but now know what I want crap. If she's cheating on you now what are you expecting from her 5 years from now? Amazing, you bust her before she sleeps with him but she still ends up sleeping with him in spite of you discovering their deception, now she expects your forgiveness. She had unprotected sex with him dude, O/M marked your territory, soiled.

 

You deserve better than this friend, you need to go no contact with this manipulative woman. She is bad girlfriend, bad wife material. I don't see how she can ever make you feel safe when you are not together and you will forever question the paternity of any children with her.

[Space Ritual]

I have already deleted pics of us on social media. She has deactivated FB. We are only in contact ATM so I can better understand why she did, what she did. Not saying that any of her actions are justifiable. Just wanting to know why exactly.

 

I understand your hurt....believe me...BUT if you are looking for closure you will probably not find any.Closure is pretty fleeting and the term is used far too often in places where looking for it is an exercise in futility. She has to do the hard work herself and on her own accord figuring out why she sabotaged your relationship so she does not do it to the next guy that comes along in her life. I doubt she will.

 

Seriously, you are not going to get the real answers you seek. You seem like a nice guy. Don't give her another chance to blame it all on you.

[Darren Steez]

@Larry,

 

I get where you're coming from. But the emotions and connection I have developed with her for the past five years, makes it harder for me to do this.

 

@Whichwayisup,

 

She has gone for a pap smear test. Results will be out in a few weeks. She said she is ready to do all of that, but I'm still so unsure.

 

 

Not sure if this changes anything, but when she cheated on me, she mentioned numerous times where they would just stop, and would just talk about random things like her hair, his life, random things. I'm thinking, from a logical and somewhat emotional perspective, that would've given her more chances to get out of her mistake? or maybe she was in that "zone", where nothing can penetrate through her logic and heart? I have no idea what to make of that, as I personally have not been in that situation before. All I know is that, I'm in deep f********** pain, where I have almost broken down in tears, in public, and worse, at work. My mood swings have gone through the roof, happy, sad, happy, angry in a span of few minutes. I'm losing myself at this current point in time.

 

What makes it harder for me is that, we were planning a holiday and we have booked a trip overseas, and due to fly out in two weeks time. I feel that, that is also hindering my decision making, as I really need this trip to relax, and get away from my other personal issues. I have just gone through a fair bit, I feel, as a 22 year old, in comparison to the people that are around my vicinity, cultural background wise, age wise, sociographics wise.

 

Sorry for venting out. My relationship of five years hasn't been easy on me aswell. I have had trouble dealing with her past (as previously mentioned, her cheating on her ex as he was ignoring her - he did sound like a douchebag aswell), her financial problems (with her family's poor spending habits, going close to bankrupcy etc), and then our own personal issues with each other, and now this. There is so much to lose at the same time, as I have been working on all of this for so long now.

 

Well she's cheated on you. Are you a douchebag?

[LifeWasted]

So, I drove back to work. And for some reason, she went back in his house ??? maybe to process what has just happened???? So obviously, the guy made his sexual and physical advances, and at that moment, she said she felt very alone and that she needed approval. She mentioned that she had a lot of "mixed feelings", so I guess when they had sexual intercourse, along with other sexual activities, it was her way of "escaping" that moment. Basically, she did not want to think about how she felt at that time. She mentioned she felt a mixed number of physical pain before he initiated it on her (even though, according to her, it just "kinda happened")

So...you confronted her and she still went in and banged this guy?

 

Do you even comprehend how disrespectful that is? How cold that is? How freaking narcissistic and nearly sociopathic that is?

 

She does not love you. She does not respect you. She could care less that what she was doing was tearing you apart.

 

Do you have any love and respect for yourself at all?

[LifeWasted]

Well she's cheated on you. Are you a douchebag?

 

I would bet that if he tracked down her ex-boyfriend he would give the OP a very different story than the one she has been telling.

[onlineandconfused]

I'm trying to understand where everyone is coming from, but it is just too hard right now. Like I said, there were two parts to it. I am not sure how exactly this would've played out if it went the other way. But she did say her intentions initially were too "affirm" those flirtatious attentions she was receiving from him. She did not want anything more. Then when I confronted her and broke up with her, she felt empty and alone (and yes that was very selfish of her to just shut off her feelings for me that moment), and continued on to have s*x with the other guy.

 

She seemed genuinely sorry at this moment, which most girls would anyways after pulling this off on a long term relationship partner. But, she has gone for a pap smear test, took a morning after pill and about to go for a STI test tomorrow.

 

I feel that I'm trying to defend my position and my relationship here but I don't see any other alternatives. I feel like I've really invested too much into this. But, I will allow time to let me heal a bit, before I make any decision. Obviously, any relationship we have from here, will start again, will be nothing like before. I have already told her if I were to go down that path, there will be no basic relationship contact - holding hands, kissing and obviously physical sexual contact. If I were to go down this path, I feel that it's fair for me to treat her as nothing but as a stranger trying to gain my attention (through her trust all over again).

 

 

Yet again, I do not know what I will do. My emotions are completely ruling off my logic and thoughts right now (whether that'd be right or wrong?), because my gut feelings are telling me to give her a chance. Thanks again everyone for your input. I'm trying to re-read every single one's post and trying to see what is sinking in, and what is not. I hope time will give me this opportunity, to learn more about myself, and more about whether there should be any future for us.

[onlineandconfused]

So...you confronted her and she still went in and banged this guy?

 

Do you even comprehend how disrespectful that is? How cold that is? How freaking narcissistic and nearly sociopathic that is?

 

She does not love you. She does not respect you. She could care less that what she was doing was tearing you apart.

 

Do you have any love and respect for yourself at all?

 

 

That is why this is so messed up. There must've been two parts to this whole mess. Firstly, she went behind my back, but not seeking for anything more intimate than "flirtatious" conversations.

 

Then, after the confrontation, she felt empty and broken because I broke it off with her. So she tried to shut off whatever she was feeling for me, as she was feeling empty and alone at that time, knowing she had just broken off something good (as if she has nothing to lose anymore).

 

yes, you are right. it's near sociopathic. She acts irrationally out of her emotions, and that is her flaw. A flaw that could mess her whole entire life in the future.

[onlineandconfused]

Well she's cheated on you. Are you a douchebag?

 

This actually made me laugh a little.

[onlineandconfused]

I think I see how this will end, or rather not end even though it should...

 

At least get any future offspring DNA tested. Don't sign anything without a positive DNA test.

 

That goes without saying..

 

 

I told her straight up, if anything unfortunate like that were to happen. due to her mistake. I am out of the door, without a blink of an eye.

[onlineandconfused]

Generally people cheat because there is something missing in the current relationship that makes them seek out that validation or that missing piece with someone else.

 

She was probably being honest that you were not being attentive to her needs. Sounds to me like she felt that there was no passion left in your relationship and she needed to feel she was attractive to someone again.

 

Going away might help you. But I imagine what will happen is you'll just be thinking about this constantly and you'll go back home and try to get back together with her. Bad move. It's time for her to prove to YOU that she's genuinely sorry. Women have autonomy over "emotions". Socially it's very acceptable for women to do "crazy" things when their "emotional" and get away with it (in our society). But basically it just means they can do the kind of things that men aren't allowed to do, so that's why (all us guys) here are saying that by agreeing with her on her emotions, you're basically losing the battle and she really needs to be punished for this. Which means you need to do the manly thing and break up with her. At least you need to take a break and see if she draws closer to you, or if she draws closer to this guy. Which ever way she seems to be pulled is based on what she thinks she needs/wants.

 

Now here is the good part. Okay, I know you feel absolutely like crap because some ****er came along and stuck his weiner in your girlfriend. It feels like he won. You basically schlepped out 5 years of your life for this girl and here comes with guy and he ****s her probably within a few weeks of flirting with her. Makes a guy feel really crappy. Trust me I know. However, just because he got her into bed, does not mean he's won the game or won her heart. It's easy for guys to get sex, it's not easy for girls to give out their hearts to guys. Theres a huge difference. Because even though they had sex. She is still emotionally connected to YOU. She cannot feel connected to him in the same way as she feels towards you. Which is why you shouldn't feel bad in the way most guys would normally feel. When they were having sex, she was probably thinking about you.

 

Now, whether or not you wanna do anything about this. You really want to listen to what she has to say. Because this will make your next relationship better.

 

 

You are absolutely right. Thanks, that actually made me feel a bit of relief. I guess I understood that myself, but to see a deeper insight from someone else, really helped lightened my mood a bit.

 

She knows this guy had done something similar in the past (I'm guessing through their conversations during their s*x), and she had deactivated her FB (cutting off conversations with this guy), and hopefully had deleted his number. According to her, he does not have his number. The only method he has contact with her is through FB.

 

Well, I really shouldn't even be worrying about that, because if she has learnt her lesson, even if he found ways to approach her, she would shut him off, without a blink of the eye.

[LifeWasted]

Yeah....

 

Blame yourself for her bad choices. Man you drink that cool aide down don't you?

[LifeWasted]

Generally people cheat because there is something missing in the current relationship that makes them seek out that validation or that missing piece with someone else.

 

She was probably being honest that you were not being attentive to her needs. Sounds to me like she felt that there was no passion left in your relationship and she needed to feel she was attractive to someone again.

 

Going away might help you. But I imagine what will happen is you'll just be thinking about this constantly and you'll go back home and try to get back together with her. Bad move. It's time for her to prove to YOU that she's genuinely sorry. Women have autonomy over "emotions". Socially it's very I acceptable for women to do "crazy" things when their "emotional" and get away with it (in our society). But basically it just means they can do the kind of things that men aren't allowed to do, so that's why (all us guys) here are saying that by agreeing with her on her emotions, you're basically losing the battle and she really needs to be punished for this. Which means you need to do the manly thing and break up with her. At least you need to take a break and see if she draws closer to you, or if she draws closer

 

to this guy. Which ever way she seems to be pulled is based on what she thinks she needs/wants.

 

Now here is the good part. Okay, I know you feel absolutely like crap because some ****er came along and stuck his weiner in your girlfriend. It feels like he won. You basically schlepped out 5 years of your life for this girl and here comes with guy and he ****s her probably within a few weeks of flirting with her. Makes a guy feel really crappy. Trust me I know. However, just because he got her into bed, does not mean he's won the game or won her heart. It's easy for guys to get sex, it's not easy for girls to give out their hearts to guys. Theres a huge difference. Because even though they had sex. She is still emotionally connected to YOU. She cannot feel connected to him in the same way as she feels towards you. Which is why you shouldn't feel bad in the way most guys would normally feel. When they were having sex, she was probably thinking about you.

 

Now, whether or not you wanna do anything about this. You really want to listen to what she has to say. Because this will make your next relationship better.

 

Blame it on him.

 

This is the stupidest post I've read since I've been on this forum.

[road]

That is why this is so messed up. There must've been two parts to this whole mess. Firstly, she went behind my back, but not seeking for anything more intimate than "flirtatious" conversations.

 

 

 

 

 

I do not believe this was her intention. You just interrupted her and him for a moment.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm trying to understand where everyone is coming from, but it is just too hard right now. Like I said, there were two parts to it. I am not sure how exactly this would've played out if it went the other way. But she did say her intentions initially were too "affirm" those flirtatious attentions she was receiving from him. She did not want anything more. Then when I confronted her and broke up with her, she felt empty and alone (and yes that was very selfish of her to just shut off her feelings for me that moment), and continued on to have s*x with the other guy.

 

She seemed genuinely sorry at this moment, which most girls would anyways after pulling this off on a long term relationship partner. But, she has gone for a pap smear test, took a morning after pill and about to go for a STI test tomorrow.

 

I feel that I'm trying to defend my position and my relationship here but I don't see any other alternatives. I feel like I've really invested too much into this. But, I will allow time to let me heal a bit, before I make any decision. Obviously, any relationship we have from here, will start again, will be nothing like before. I have already told her if I were to go down that path, there will be no basic relationship contact - holding hands, kissing and obviously physical sexual contact. If I were to go down this path, I feel that it's fair for me to treat her as nothing but as a stranger trying to gain my attention (through her trust all over again).

 

 

Yet again, I do not know what I will do. My emotions are completely ruling off my logic and thoughts right now (whether that'd be right or wrong?), because my gut feelings are telling me to give her a chance. Thanks again everyone for your input. I'm trying to re-read every single one's post and trying to see what is sinking in, and what is not. I hope time will give me this opportunity, to learn more about myself, and more about whether there should be any future for us.

 

I think you are still in shock and can't reconcile what she did to you with who she has been to you in your relationship.

 

Such a betrayal is very traumatic and confusing (until you go through it a bunch of times, don't ask. Then your mind isn't shocked by it and you realize that your spirit has largely died).

 

She did do this.

 

This is what she does. This is not how a true wife or girlfriend deals with her own emotions/impulses or deals with a relationship.

 

She has cheated on a past relationship, so clearly she "knows how this works."

 

And now she is losing her head emotionally and you are so wanting to put the normalcy back together after this kick to the head that you are trying with all of your might to rationalize it instead of going through the grief of losing her and/or accepting that she full-on consciously cheated.

 

My advice to you: go through the grief. Let her go. She is not good partner material because she does not reflect upon her emotions or impulses. This will affect every area of your life together if you stay with her and take any next steps.

 

She has work to do. It also sounds like she comes an impulsive family. Not good.

 

It doesn't mean that she was "out to hurt you."

 

It means that she does things either without considering the full consequences of them, (i.e. not thinking much of you at all) or not caring what those consequences are (i.e. upset about "being caught" instead of what she actually did).

 

The whole thing was deceptive. She put herself right there, with enough going on between them for her to have intercourse with him.

 

That doesn't "just happen."

 

And if it does "just happen" to her, that should make you want to be away from her even more. You won't be able to trust her to go to the grocery store without screwing the bagging clerk.

[onlineandconfused]

I think you are still in shock and can't reconcile what she did to you with who she has been to you in your relationship.

 

Such a betrayal is very traumatic and confusing (until you go through it a bunch of times, don't ask. Then your mind isn't shocked by it and you realize that your spirit has largely died).

 

She did do this.

 

This is what she does. This is not how a true wife or girlfriend deals with her own emotions/impulses or deals with a relationship.

 

She has cheated on a past relationship, so clearly she "knows how this works."

 

And now she is losing her head emotionally and you are so wanting to put the normalcy back together after this kick to the head that you are trying with all of your might to rationalize it instead of going through the grief of losing her and/or accepting that she full-on consciously cheated.

 

My advice to you: go through the grief. Let her go. She is not good partner material because she does not reflect upon her emotions or impulses. This will affect every area of your life together if you stay with her and take any next steps.

 

She has work to do. It also sounds like she comes an impulsive family. Not good.

 

It doesn't mean that she was "out to hurt you."

 

It means that she does things either without considering the full consequences of them, (i.e. not thinking much of you at all) or not caring what those consequences are (i.e. upset about "being caught" instead of what she actually did).

 

The whole thing was deceptive. She put herself right there, with enough going on between them for her to have intercourse with him.

 

That doesn't "just happen."

 

And if it does "just happen" to her, that should make you want to be away from her even more. You won't be able to trust her to go to the grocery store without screwing the bagging clerk.

 

Thanks for that insight. All of it makes a lot of sense. Let's say if I ended up savoring whatever we have left, what advice would you give? How could she better reflect upon her impulses and emotions? What steps would she have to take? Having asked that question, it doesn't seem like I will get a black and white response.

 

But if I did end up deciding to continue the relationship with her, what would your advice be?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for that insight. All of it makes a lot of sense. Let's say if I ended up savoring whatever we have left, what advice would you give? How could she better reflect upon her impulses and emotions? What steps would she have to take? Having asked that question, it doesn't seem like I will get a black and white response.

 

But if I did end up deciding to continue the relationship with her, what would your advice be?

 

To find the nearest wall and bash your head into a few times. Maybe that will knock some sense into you, man.

[Darren Steez]

Bro, I don't know if I'm allowed to post this, maybe not but the answer to the question asked by the poster in this article is perhaps the best way of explaining the dynamic between a cheater and the betrayed, especially in regards to a long term relationship where things have leveled off a bit.

 

Google: AskMen - She Cheated

 

Read the answer and understand exactly why even though your heart says give her a chance, the boat might have already sailed in this relationship.

[Justanaverageguy]

 

I feel that I'm trying to defend my position and my relationship here but I don't see any other alternatives. I feel like I've really invested too much into this. But, I will allow time to let me heal a bit, before I make any decision. Obviously, any relationship we have from here, will start again, will be nothing like before. I have already told her if I were to go down that path, there will be no basic relationship contact - holding hands, kissing and obviously physical sexual contact. If I were to go down this path, I feel that it's fair for me to treat her as nothing but as a stranger trying to gain my attention (through her trust all over again).

 

 

Yet again, I do not know what I will do. My emotions are completely ruling off my logic and thoughts right now (whether that'd be right or wrong?), because my gut feelings are telling me to give her a chance. Thanks again everyone for your input. I'm trying to re-read every single one's post and trying to see what is sinking in, and what is not. I hope time will give me this opportunity, to learn more about myself, and more about whether there should be any future for us.

 

Dude been in your shoes .... let me tell you cut and run! Run as fast as your little legs will take you. The default reaction for men in this position is to want to cling on as tight as possible to the girl who cheated. You feel an overwhelming sense of loss and you want to make excuses and rationalize her actions.

 

Let me tell you that feeling passes but you must give it time so you can ride those initial emotions out. Go no contact. Give your self time and space from the situation before making any decision about giving her another chance. I mean 2-3 months minimum for your emotions to at least normalize a little bit.

 

Once given time to reflect and truly appreciate what she did ..... you will consider yourself an absolute idiot for even considering going back to her. You definitely have not invested too much in this relationship to let it go. You are 22 - plenty of time to find a quality women to settle down with.

[No Limit]

Oh, nearly forgot; don't marry her! I know you need to be fooled twice to finally let go of her but don't sign anything that has her included - no birth certificates, no marriage (even if you don't have kids before she leaves you for another guy you may still have to pay her alimony and give her half of your stuff and money) and no contracts for material stuff either, nothing that has long-term costs hidden in it.

 

And on a sidenote; quit blaming the other guy. She enjoyed the attention so she went for it, she wasn't raped. She wanted to have sex with this guy and she enjoyed doing it, loved doing it with him. If women automatically opened their legs as soon as a guy throws a compliment at them the majority of them wouldn't have trouble even getting a 1st date.

 

Oh, and by the way, she probably just had a crush on him. Of course she blames it all on the other guy, how else could she keep you ol' faithful? You provide stability, the rest she gets elsewhere. Good luck for as long as it lasts, and don't feel stupid afterwards; you're not the first one who had to learn the hard way, it happens.