Girlfriend of nearly five years, cheated.

[Dark-Farmer]

OP I feel for you. I have been in the same position as you.

It is very hard to let go, and in my case I didn't.

 

 

I don't have many regrets in my life but that is the one I regret for sure. I look back and say to myself WTF was I thinking!!!!

 

 

The relationship is over trust me. You can't fix it. it's like shattering a glass, it's done and can not be undone.

 

 

in my case it was 3 years not 5 but the relationship didn't last much longer after I gave her a chance. One of three things will happen. either A, you will resent her and eventually end it, B, she will feel guilty and not be able to get over it and end it (this is what happened to me) or ,C, she will cheat again.

 

 

As much as you want to believe there is a happily ever after D option, you probably have more luck getting struck by lightning.

 

 

I swear that giving her a chance made it way harder to get over. I would have been way better to cut my losses and start again right there. I know its hard but you have many people saying the same thing. Ending it WILL be the better option.

[JohnsonBaby]

confusedandonline, I agree 100% with all the advice people here have offered you.

 

The rule of thumb with a cheater is so simple: once a cheater, always a cheater. People (especially so-called reform cheaters) who try to convince you that they have changed and won't cheat on you, are lying to themselves AND to you.

 

Once a cheater tells you the LIE that they will never cheat on you, consider that a predictor of their future behavior...with you.

 

There are different kinds of cheating in relationships.

 

Opportunistic Sexual Cheating

 

Obligatory Sexual Cheating

 

Romantic Cheating

 

Conflictive Romantic Cheating

 

Commemorative Cheating

 

Each is outlined on this website. I suggest that you read the description of each kind of cheating. It will help you clarify which type of cheating your ex-girlfriend did, and explain why she did, since it's unlikely you'll get the truth from her. Cheaters are known liars. If you choose to believe them, the risk falls on you to believe them.

 

 

What a bunch of BS that article !obligatory cheating lmao,who made up this stuff ?

OP serial cheaters don't change ,they cheat in every relationship they re in ,wether they want to admit it or not. It was just a matter of time .

[dreamingoftigers]

What a bunch of BS that article !obligatory cheating lmao,who made up this stuff ?

OP serial cheaters don't change ,they cheat in every relationship they re in ,wether they want to admit it or not. It was just a matter of time .

 

I would have been an obligatory cheater in my younger years.

 

Felt very uncomfortable rejecting people. Painfully so.

 

Even people I wouldn't have touched ever if I felt I had the choice not to.

 

Luckily that never happened when I was in a relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for that insight. All of it makes a lot of sense. Let's say if I ended up savoring whatever we have left, what advice would you give? How could she better reflect upon her impulses and emotions? What steps would she have to take? Having asked that question, it doesn't seem like I will get a black and white response.

 

But if I did end up deciding to continue the relationship with her, what would your advice be?

 

"Savoring whatever we have left" means "I will stay in the hopes that I get over this and we move past it somehow. In fact, I will ask you about the things I can tell my girlfriend she should do to move past this and help me through it."

 

There are a lot of ways that your girlfriend could and should reflect on being more responsible for her impulses and emotional state.

 

There's a couple nice books out there, "Taming Your Outer Child" "Be Your Own CBT Therapist" etc.

 

YOU, however, are a fixer. And I TOTALLY get that.

 

Instead of feeling the hurt and grief in it's fullness, recognizing this as not your responsibility to fix and letting your partner who did a very nasty deal-breaker go, you are trying to "help her get better and be a better partner."

 

It's a good trait to have in relationships, but NOT in this situation.

 

As you get older and have more and more experiences in relationships, you can see when it is NOT a good trait to act on.

 

Judging by her reactions, she has not fully processed her responsibility to the relationship and quite frankly, the level of investment and foundation is NOT there for repair. Part of that is both of your ages, part of that is the level the relationship is at. You are not married, both living with parents and have no children together.

 

Anything short of kids, I would say: leave this one behind completely.

 

Since she would not have the invested, intertwined level of life together with you, I would CLEARLY CLEARLY say that it IS NOT your place to instruct her/help her fix her own issues on any kind of ongoing basis.

 

In fact, being a fixer myself, I would say that it is a way of avoiding feeling all of that rejection and pragmatically moving on with your life.

 

It will be hard at first to be single after 5 years together.

But you will feel better than you expect you will.

 

A trauma like this causes you to cling to a partner. I have had a VERY serious set of instances of trauma with my husband. It's like a form of Stockholm Syndrome.

 

You empathize with your victimizer, you see them as lost or hurting or irrational and you want to help them think properly so that they stop hurting and stop hurting you. You want your secure foundation back and the bond that you thought you had, that got swept away in an instant.

 

It doesn't work. They are who you have just discovered they are. All of the apologies in the world doesn't change what they did while they were not as invested in you as they should have been.

 

This isn't to say she isn't sorry, or doesn't feel terrible or guilty.

 

That may vary. But the tools simply are not there to work with.

[persevere]

The only real option you have to save your long term quality of life, get peace of mind and true happiness is to break up immediately. Put her in her place and go NC. This is easier said than done and is also the short term hardest to do. She will continue to cheat. It's her MO. She is very self centered, manipulative, dishonest. Probably a sociopath. She probably preys on guys she perceives as "too nice" and forgiving.

I went through this similar thing a few months back. She was cheating on me with her boss. Even telling me her last boyfriend broke up after accusing her of that. I should have taken off like a house afire when I heard that.

There seems to be several stages. Disbelief, denial, what did "I" do wrong (nothing at all, other than giving the train wrecked Harlot a chance), anger and finally...relief. In your case, after 5 years, it may take you a while to get to the relief part. You deserve better. Bail out!!! Now.

[aliveagain]

Women like her look for guys like you and me. The difference between us is I now understand this and you are yet to discover this truth, it cost me a son. I honestly only have one goal posting on your thread and that is to save you from making the same stupid delusional mistakes I made, I wasted good years on a bad woman.

[apeman101]

First step, KICK HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Its easier said than done.

 

Step 2) Cut all Contact with her

 

Step 3) Get out of the house and pump some IRON. You have anger and its needs come out productively.

 

Step 4) Hit the bars and Clubs and get laid.

 

5 years is nothing when it comes to a life time of cuckoldry. You are a man, remember that 50% of population are women. !

[apeman101]

Thanks for that insight. All of it makes a lot of sense. Let's say if I ended up savoring whatever we have left, what advice would you give? How could she better reflect upon her impulses and emotions? What steps would she have to take? Having asked that question, it doesn't seem like I will get a black and white response.

 

But if I did end up deciding to continue the relationship with her, what would your advice be?

 

Stop it right there. What man in this world will want to continue the relationship with a woman who cheated on her?. No self respecting man will allow his woman to cheat on him.

Edited March 25, 2015 by apeman101

[kendahke]

 

Yet again, I do not know what I will do. My emotions are completely ruling off my logic and thoughts right now (whether that'd be right or wrong?), because my gut feelings are telling me to give her a chance.

 

 

Give her a chance to do what? Lull you back into a stupor so she can sneak out behind your back and go screw this guy again? Do you honestly think it's over between the two of them? They are both laying low because you are on high alert now.

 

This isn't your gut feeling telling you to give her a chance: this is the lazy part of you that doesn't want to be alone until such time that you find another woman to have convenient access to kitty. You'll accept going in behind this guy in order to have easy sex. Please, be honest with yourself.

 

You need to muzzle your heart and instead let your head rule you right now. And do re-read what everyone in this thread has said to you because it's solid advice.

[Spectre]

Yeh. just trying to process it all now. It all came as a shock. We had a 1 to 1 honest discussion and she said this was the first time she has cheated on me. When I asked her what she felt when she was performing sexual intercourse with the guy, she said she felt nothing. When we were talking about it, she was tearing up so much. What logic do I make of this? She said her emotions were of an "unsure" state and "confused", and didnt want to be "alone" which is why she tried to justify sleeping with him. But a 5 year break-up does not just "happen" like that, it takes time. What should I make of this?

 

What you should make of it is that you need to get this girl out of your life ASAP.

 

Dude, I'm going to say this for your own good: this isn't rocket science or theoretical physics, this is a no brainer. She cheated on you. She doesn't love you. I don't care what excuses she gave as to why it happened, the point is it happened. She has also cheated in the past on other people, which means not only are you with a girl who has zero love or respect for you, but a girl who does NOT learn her lessons.

 

Does that sound like a prize to you? Does that sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? You could probably sit there and talk about the good things about her, but all that is negated by the whole betrayal and cheating thing. Please don't stay with her because you feel you've invested a lot in the relationship. Don't you get that the fact you've invested a lot in this relationship makes her cheating all the more worse? I'm not suggesting she is some evil woman or anything like that, but I think this should just be a basic thing in that all people should at least expect the person they are with to respect them and love them.

 

You have invested a lot, so cut your losses now before you invest even more. If you invested a lot in the stock market and then you saw that your stocks were going lower and lower...would you just not sell them and continue to just watch them get lower and lower, as you lose more and more money? Of course not. It's the same here, get out while you can. Just because the ship is about to sink doesn't mean you need to go down with it.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Spectre

[drifter777]

Are you real? If you are considering anything but dumping her then you are in for a hard life. The universe is pretty rough on naive, immature men.

 

You keep making excuses for her as if you actually believe her. The first time she went to "affirm those flirtatious attentions she was receiving from him" she probably did it on her knees. Grow up.

[Spectre]

Just..OP, please tell me you are going to dump her. I've read a lot of depressing topics today. Show me you will stand up for yourself;

[No Limit]

You keep making excuses for her as if you actually believe her.

 

He sounds like he believes his GFs story because he does believe it's true. Forum people would call it gaslighting, he'd call it a "sudden realization".

[onlineandconfused]

UPDATE: We have given each other a few days to think about it. Initially, we both thought that we could make it work. She was optimistic. I just got into a call with her and she said it most likely will not, as she feels that she has been "emotionally unavailable" all this time, which is why over the period of years, I have felt that she has not invested as much as I did in the relationship.

 

 

Obviously this is no happy ending, but I guess I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. Took me a few days to see this. Hopefully, I won't fall back and go back into my dysfunctional relationship again. Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?

 

Thanks

[Diezel]

Delete her phone number, block it first. Take her off of all social media. If you have any of her things, mail them back.

 

Go out and enjoy life.

[Darren Steez]

UPDATE: We have given each other a few days to think about it. Initially, we both thought that we could make it work. She was optimistic. I just got into a call with her and she said it most likely will not, as she feels that she has been "emotionally unavailable" all this time, which is why over the period of years, I have felt that she has not invested as much as I did in the relationship.

 

 

Obviously this is no happy ending, but I guess I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. Took me a few days to see this. Hopefully, I won't fall back and go back into my dysfunctional relationship again. Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?

 

Thanks

 

She ended it. You didn't. She made the choice for you because sadly...the ship has sailed

[road]

She ended it. You didn't. She made the choice for you because sadly...the ship has sailed

 

 

She probably was stalling to let you break up with her just so she could say you were the one that ended things.

 

 

She saw you not manning up and she did not want to wait anymore so she dumped you.

[barcode88]

UPDATE: We have given each other a few days to think about it. Initially, we both thought that we could make it work. She was optimistic. I just got into a call with her and she said it most likely will not, as she feels that she has been "emotionally unavailable" all this time, which is why over the period of years, I have felt that she has not invested as much as I did in the relationship.

 

 

Obviously this is no happy ending, but I guess I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. Took me a few days to see this. Hopefully, I won't fall back and go back into my dysfunctional relationship again. Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?

 

Thanks

 

You should have just ended it, you don't want to be the dumpee in a situation like this it will make you feel like crap.

[dreamingoftigers]

Women like her look for guys like you and me. The difference between us is I now understand this and you are yet to discover this truth, it cost me a son. I honestly only have one goal posting on your thread and that is to save you from making the same stupid delusional mistakes I made, I wasted good years on a bad woman.

 

Aliveagain, it's good to see you still hanging around providing support.

 

Your story brings back so much stuff for me.

[firemanq]

UPDATE: We have given each other a few days to think about it. Initially, we both thought that we could make it work. She was optimistic. I just got into a call with her and she said it most likely will not, as she feels that she has been "emotionally unavailable" all this time, which is why over the period of years, I have felt that she has not invested as much as I did in the relationship.

 

 

Obviously this is no happy ending, but I guess I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. Took me a few days to see this. Hopefully, I won't fall back and go back into my dysfunctional relationship again. Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?

 

Thanks

You are luckier than you realize. You are getting rid of a problem. If you take her back, you deserve the misery you are going to get. Man up and get her out of your life. The pain you are going through now is nothing compared to the pain you will have later.

 

 

You ask what you can do to get through this horrible time in your life. Eat right, get enough sleep, go to the gym and work out. And always carry a clean hankerchief, you will need it. But one day, you will wake up and realize you are getting better and the dark times will recede. Post here and vent, we will listen because we have been where you are. And we do reserve the right to call you a dumb ass once in a while.

[LifeWasted]

Just end it for good and go dark. You dodged a bullet. She was not LTR or marriage material.

 

Don't feel bad. Her cheating had nothing to do with you. She was not feeling the love and probably did this as an exit affair. It happens all the time, even to the studliest of men.

[Space Ritual]

Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?Thanks

 

 

1) Stay no contact with this trollop.

 

2) Stay off of social media, because if you have not gone creeping her pages, then you eventually will unless you make her insignificant.

 

3) Go hang out with some friends or take up a time consuming hobby. This actually does more good than you know. It sure as hell beats rolling around in a blanket on the floor clutching a bottle of whiskey and listening to "Wildfire" by Michael Martin Murphy over and over...screaming 'WHY????....WHY????"

 

I should know...I did that once in my teens. The only thing it got me was vomit all over myself, and a hatred for Soft Rock and Easy Listening...It did not bring the girl back into my arms....lol

 

It all comes down to whether or not you are going to seek further closure. If you remember I said to you that "closure" is fleeting and you probably won't get what you seek.

 

Just learn from this experience, so you understand that you do not deserve to be someone's second choice. Nobody does. Since she cheated on you she will probably cheat on this guy too eventually. Just be glad you don't have to bear witness to it a second time.

[Spectre]

UPDATE: We have given each other a few days to think about it. Initially, we both thought that we could make it work. She was optimistic. I just got into a call with her and she said it most likely will not, as she feels that she has been "emotionally unavailable" all this time, which is why over the period of years, I have felt that she has not invested as much as I did in the relationship.

 

 

Obviously this is no happy ending, but I guess I'm glad that it ended now, rather than later. Took me a few days to see this. Hopefully, I won't fall back and go back into my dysfunctional relationship again. Any helpful strategies from previous experience that I can implement to "get through" this period?

 

Thanks

 

This is a very happy ending though. How is getting a toxic cheater out of your life not a good thing? Be warned though, she seems all over the place. One minute she is optimistic the next second she isn't, don't let her try to crawl back into your life.