Cheated On and I'm Hurting

[fellini]

And you are right, you NEVER have to EXCUSE an affair.

 

But excusing and forgiving and reconciling are not the same thing, not to me.

Never mind his being an only child. There are selfish people with a fistful of siblings. Never mind ANY of his "excuses", because cheating is not an option as an excuse for any internal issues he was having either with himself or his marriage (which is worse). If he were a confirmed diagnosed sex addict, I might lighten up a bit, and would say, the writing is on the wall. But none of these lame excuses are sufficient to explain making morally wrong choices along the entire line of an infidelity. And there was not just one wrong choice, there were many, all sufficiently wrong to raise a warning if he would have cared to listen. He did not. That is the problem to address. Not blaming his parents for not providing him with a sibling.

 

 

 

Yes he has NC with the OW. I agree he is a very selfish person. He is an only child and I have used that excuse for every other selfish things he had done in the past, BUT an Affair I can NOT excuse.

I think he is remorseful. He is doing everything to make up for what he did. BUT I am finding it hard to forget. I think of it all the time. I picture him with the OW all the time. We going to counseling. At the end of the day I want to say I tried everything to fix my marriage, no matter how it turns out. I don't want to be sitting in my rocking chair at an old age saying "what if."

I am doing things that I enjoy. My attitude now is "it's all about me." Thank you for answering.

[fellini]

I think the issue is "what we see".

 

We do not see, and have no idea what the numbers are of couples who experience infidelity. Deal with it, recover from it, and move on. There is every reason to believe this happens, and as importantly, that these simple stories do not get told in LS, or in our communities.

 

We also do not know the numbers of people who discover an A, subsequently quietly divorce and move on. The decision to keep it under wraps or blow it open for the world to see is not a statistical known fact.

 

I find it rather difficult to accept a poster in LS (not you particularly, but the idea) who has had experience X, Y, and Z as a BS, comment on with such assurance about L, M, and N in a WS. I just don't know why this happens. I think the best thing LS can do for anyone is to share authentic experiences and let people come to conclusions based on that.

 

The number of BS who dumped their WS on DDAY and who write prolifically about the impossibility of reconciliation is astounding. Really the best they can say is "I kicked my WS to the curb, and im good with that".

 

 

Well I think some people just get too overwhelmed to see or think clearly when this particular subject is considered, I can't really blame them.

 

This is rather off topic so I4givehim I hope you can forgive me for elaborating here in your thread. So far I have indeed seen that once someone has cheated it becomes easier to cheat again and it happens more often, until they are caught. If a cheater would cheat again on the same person after being caught and reconciling is a very good question.

I have way too little experience to give a decent insight in this, the only person I know that is still with a partner that was cheated on is me and a single example is not exactly representative. All other people I personally know that cheated/got cheated on broke up, but literally all of the cheaters cheated again in their next relationships so they definitely didn't learn from their mistakes (most of them got better in hiding it though; this leads me to think that a cheater once caught actually sees the getting caught part as the mistake, not the cheating itself).

Are there other people here with experiences in this matter? I am curious too.

[fellini]

My WW wrote her own NC letter, and it was something similar.

 

What my head and my heart wished, shortly after agreeing to the letter, is that the message was more clear in terms of:

 

I am ashamed of what I have done, and I was wrong to pursue a relationship with you.

 

If those words are true, and are written, they do not leave any doors open for the AP to think that NC is a noose around the WS's neck placed there by the BS. The AP needs to hear: it is over because I SAY AND WANT it over, not because I HAVE BEHAVE this way for my spouse's sake.

 

What the AP needs to hear is that there is nothing left to wish for.

 

OMG!!!! Thank you soooooo much for this advice. I love it. I am calling a lawyer tomorrow about a Post-nuptial agreement. Thank you Thank you... As far as the in-laws they knew about it the whole time and never said a word to me So I know where they stay with infidelity.

[Lion Heart]

Thank you. I like the way you are straight to the point. If I had money for a lawyer I would have started with the divorce. I am trying to go through a mediator but my H wont even speak of a Divorce until I go to counseling with him.

I think you are correct about him using me. I feel he is delaying this divorce so he can get more money in alimony (I just receive a promotion at my job) Thank you for opening my eyes.

 

What a horrible situation!

What a horrible man, in-laws, "friends"!

 

Obviously they're all just sitting back waiting for you to "get over it" then they'll all be using your hospitality all over again. Lovely little door mat Idon't4givehimonebit!!

 

NC with the lot of them!

 

They NEVER had your best interests at heart! Excusing his sh** behaviours? Don't you either. Only child? Phooey. What garbage.

 

Yeah my MIL had the hide to blame me! Well did she cop a mouthful then. I went so far as to say "I DIDN'T DRIVE WH TO APs HOUSE, UNZIP HIS PANTS IN HER KITCHEN etc etc" yes I described the whole thing, every little movement.

Then apparently I wasn't a "good enough wife" to di**wit. Well I tell you now, HE WASNT A GOOD ENOUGH HUSBAND, don't you think?

Oh then OW was the sl**! Oh and wh***. I threw THAT right back on WH too! He was the only sl** & ho, he was with 2 women! Each of us were with one man!

The cr** people say!

 

Man people make me angry. I tell you now, if either of MY SONS did this, it would be ME THAT THEY'D BE MOST AFRAID OF!

I'd NC them! Support the wife and any children. No way is this behaviour EVER excusable. They knew that b4 their fathers A.

 

Your WH has been happily surrounded by enablers. YOU are not his enabler any more. Write a resignation letter to him.

 

What a pig! Alimony? ?? Wtf. How old is he? 3?

 

I've gotta stop. Too many **** in my post.

 

Growling Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

I totally agree. My mother in-law was my best friend. Her and I did everything together.

Unfortunately my parents have passed away so I have no one to go to I feel all alone right about now. I could tell my brothers and sisters but I don't want them involved. They have their own problems. I don't need to bother them with mine.

 

Unless you are more or less estranged with your siblings (only you know your relationships with your siblings) they may be quite hurt or offended that you didn't confide in them or even out the A to the whole world!

 

They might have their own problems BUT we all do!

 

My DD 22y said so directly to me again yesterday. She said that if I didn't tell her how things ACTUALLY ARE between WH and myself, she'd have taken that as "we weren't as close as she thought". She'd have been offended.

 

My brother and SIL feel the same.

 

On the other topic of alimony - surely HE would have to pay Child Support, since you still have young children at home?

Not you pay him?

 

Gosh if you did have to give him any financial assistance, it's a very screwed up system!

 

The children SHOULD ALWAYS come first.

 

Lion Heart.