Dumpers who now want reconciliation, when did you change your mind?

[wantnotshould]

A lot of dumpees are curious about what exactly is going on in your head. I think this thread might help put some perspective.

 

- What were the stages you went through during the break up?

 

- Did you feel relief, anger, grief, guilt, etc?

 

- What did your ex do?

 

-Did your ex beg, plead, go into

NC

, become your friend etc.?

 

- What made you want your ex back?

 

- Did you miss your ex? Did life treat you wrong? Was the grass not greener? Was your ex a back up?

 

- How long did it take you to realize this? (1 year, 6 months, 3 years?)

 

- Did you come back on time? Or had your ex already moved on?

 

Dumpees: Know that this is highly unlikely, if they left, they left for a reason. They will most likely not come back. I just think it will add some perspective. I'm curious if it'll reinforce the NC and move on.

[badpenny]

This will be interesting because to date, I have no recollection of any dumpers actually making all the right and recommended moves, to engineer a reconciliation.

 

Breadcrumbs? Yes, a-plenty.

 

Actually getting back together for good?

 

Haven't seen one yet, I don't think.... rare as Rocking-Horse droppings....

[HBK3317]

Lol lot of threads about dumpers today! This is the third one I came across!

[Jonp219]

This will be interesting because to date, I have no recollection of any dumpers actually making all the right and recommended moves, to engineer a reconciliation.

 

Breadcrumbs? Yes, a-plenty.

 

Actually getting back together for good?

 

Haven't seen one yet, I don't think.... rare as Rocking-Horse droppings....

 

As taboo as it is to mention this here. I've seen plenty of dumpees working it out with the dumper. Kinda weird, but yeah.

[OneBigIdgit]

In my history, forever doesn't exist. At the same time,

my ex wife moved out in Sept 85, divorce final Dec 19,1985

and she was living with me again by late Jan of 86.

Her friends threw her a big party the night the divorce was

final and after drinking a bit she started crying and screaming

and they brought her to me to calm her down.

 

I threw her out 9 yrs later for about 10 days. Then she left

again 7 yrs later. She tried to come back from that but I'd

had enough.

 

I've had several ex gf's try to réclame but I only gave one

a chance. She gave me a good case of the flu and I missed

dancing on New Year's Eve so that ended her chance

[badpenny]

As taboo as it is to mention this here.

No, it's not taboo. I've just not seen it happen....

 

I've seen plenty of dumpees working it out with the dumper. Kinda weird, but yeah.

 

What, here?

And I thought we were talking about Dumpers approaching Dumpees, and reconciling?

[wantnotshould]

I guess there isn't many dumpers that want to reconcile here on LS. It was worth a try.

[Jonp219]

What, here? And I thought we were talking about Dumpers approaching Dumpees, and reconciling?

 

No not here, just from what I've seen around me. I was just saying...

 

Also, it depends on who pushed who away.

Edited March 23, 2015 by Jonp219

[planb1973]

I was the dumper, and just made amends this last weekend. It was a brief relationship, only a few months, and I had been dating someone else also at the time, basically having a hell of a time making up my mind. I made a mistake and let the good one go.

 

I did feel relief at the time, but also grief, and lots of guilt. Mostly I felt like a fool. She wanted to remain friends but I needed space and time and she quickly retracted her friendship offer and expressed in so many words how much of an *ss I was.

 

A couple weeks later I ended things with the other woman. Though she was extremely intelligent and highly successful I never felt like myself around her, not even close to the woman I let go.

 

I was depressed and feeling stupid so I stopped dating for a couple months and just sat with my feeling, I did lots of writing and contemplating. But I could not stop thinking about the one I let go. I wrote her a letter but got no response. Then weeks later she had seen my truck at my brothers and sent a quick message saying to tell my brother hello. I called her the following morning and did what I had to do. I humbly apologized.

 

I heard nothing for a week then she asked to meet for coffee. I got right to the point telling her I had made a huge mistake that I really liked her and wanted a serious relationship with her. She had been dating by this point and was interested in a couple of guys. She told me how crushed she was when I left and had fallen for me hard. Her next words "Well I guess I need to cut things off with those other guys and get off the dating site. I only want to be with you."

 

So there you have it. Sometimes the dumper does regret and come back.

[mightycpa]

Hi Planb! Can you elaborate? Here's what I got out of what you wrote:

 

You were dating two girls, and after weighing the pros and cons of each you chose one, got rid of the other, and later you figured out that you chose unwisely. Is that what happened?

 

I did feel relief at the time, but also grief, and lots of guilt.

 

I think I need to understand the timeline first:

 

at the time

when was that? at dumping time, or at decide to reconcile time?

 

 

I did feel relief at the time, but also grief, and lots of guilt.

Again, this is kind of dependent upon when this was, but if it was a close call, the I get the grief, and I get the relief, I think.

 

But the guilt? Guilty about what? Hurting feelings? Is guilt the right word? Guilt implies you think you did something wrong... is that how you felt? Why didn't you stop yourself right then and there? Help me understand this, please.

[planb1973]

I had started dating both these woman at the same time and really enjoyed both, and they each seemed into me. I never had the exclusive talk with either and never told either that I was dating anyone else. The one I just got back with I had been sleeping with the whole time, will call her "P". As a couple of months had gone by and Valentines day approaching I was beginning to panic. I told P that I really liked her but things were going a bit fast for me and needed to slow down. That is when she asked if I was seeing anyone else. I was honest and she was upset because she thought we were exclusive, Later that day she owned up to having a couple one night stands, but felt horrible about it and only wanted to be with me. Now the other woman "S" had been out of the country for a few weeks and I had not had the opportunity to tell her I was dating someone else. P gave me the ultimatum to date only her or not at all. I said I wanted to keep seeing her but under the circumstances was not in a positions to be exclusive with her. I let her go. Due to the fact that S traveled for work I had not gotten much time with and was very intrigued by her success and lifestyle. But I could not stop thinking about P. I felt more of a connection with her, but gave it up to chase something unfamilial. I did give it a good shot with S for a couple weeks but I knew we just were not compatible. So we went our separate ways, and I never even missed her. P I missed everyday.

 

The relief I felt when P and I ended was that dating two women at once was hard and I could not choose so felt relief from that pressure and the indecision I had. The grief I felt was delayed a couple of weeks once the relief gave way to guilt. Guilt for having have hurt her and not being transparent, also for not having given 100% to the relationship. I really did like her a lot but I think I was scared. My last few relationships were brutal on me, ie one was a borderline another was narcissistic, and the other skipped my dads funeral for a hair appointment (we were engaged at the time). Maybe remorse it a better word. I regretted the decision I had made, having felt a connection with and felt myself around P I had been stubborn and indecisive and let a potentially good relationship go for something that I knew deep down was not going to work. All of these emotions were there very soon after the break up. I never did stop thinking about P, S (I think that was her name) was a distant memory immediately.

 

It was 2 months almost to the day since I had last spoken with P when we met this last weekend. I feel very confident now that I made the best decision in letting go of my pride and telling her how I felt. We will see where this goes but I feel good about it.

 

The month and a half I spent being single I spent in deep thought about what was truly important to me and kept coming back to it being P, then made the decision to try and reconcile.

[mightycpa]

OK, yeah, I can totally understand the regret that arises from making a poor decision, even if you only figure that out in retrospect.

 

The word guilt was tripping me up, but you've cleared that up.

 

Good luck to you!