Having a hard day

[jwi71]

Crap! Somehow, he got access to my "regular" email address. He must have been willing to take the risk. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning. 3 weeks and 2 days of NC and he emails (I love you, it's hard to let go, etc.). I don't know what to do.

 

Tell your H of course. Or are you still trickle truthing him? Being selectively honest?

 

IMO, and in my own experience, and others will testify to, the greatest threat to your M is lying and deceit. The more you do, the more threats you add - and they are exponential in nature. One lie is bad two lies are 2.5X bad and three 3 lies are 6 times as bad and so on. Stop it. Time to take a bitter pill - if you haven't come fully clean already.

 

I told you in an earlier post that your OM is a threat to you. He CAN choose to confront and tell your H "the truth" - over the phone, in person, an email with raunchy saved texts...whatever. And it will be devastating to your M - provided you still value it.

 

I know you discount what I say but you are not working on your M - you are playing damage control for yourself. NOT helping the M - my opinion of course.

 

Time to be wholly honest, provided you aren't, and set ALL the cards on the table. This isnt to punish you but to solidify the M. Look at it this way, if you had been - or currently are - 100% honest with your H, the path forward would be for BOTH of you to reply to the email. To tell your H and face it together.

 

Or you can continue to lie and hide and deceive. And the next time your OM emails? Or calls? What if he decides the best way to "win" you is to blow up your M - and send all kinds of fun stuff to your H? Stuff which contradicts what YOU have told him - potentially outing some of YOUR lies.

 

IMO, the only way to insulate against this is to fully inform your H and you and your H face this as a united front. Or lie, deceive and hope the OM won't cross yet another "red line" you thought he couldn't/wouldn't.

 

Up to you.

[Red123]

I agree with above poster. Tell your H and decide together if you will respond or not. My H showed me each time the MOW attempted contact and it helped to rebuild the trust. He was done with her so he wanted no further contact, are you done? That's really what, IMO will help you decide how to handle this. If you are done than showing your H will show him that you are, if your not then you really need to figure out how to proceed on your own. I don't know your back story, but I will say from my own experience, your H will probably find out about the contact whether you tell him or not, and it hurts so much more if it doesn't come from you.

[jbrent890]

I agree with the other two posters and let your husband know about the email. This will show your husband that he can trust, which is something that needs to happen. This is a great opportunity to help restablish the trust that is gone in your relationship. I suggest you take it.

[whatatangledweb]

Yes, I also agree . Tell your husband right away. Then block him or change your email. Let your husband see the email before you delete it.

[Genieve]

I don't know what it is. It's been 17 days since I said goodbye to exMM. Mostly I am doing pretty well. I don't want him back. There has been absolute no contact since that day. I can feel the progress between my H and I, and that's so reassuring. Regardless, I am assaulted by all these painful feelings.

 

I feel hurt, angry, sad, sometimes nostalgic. I know full well this wouldn't have happened without my consent, but he did pursue me very hard in the beginning. He was all over me, telling me it would all work out, how much he loved me, how he wanted me forever. I told him no over and over...until I didn't tell him no anymore.

 

I am angry at all the pain and misery we caused - each other and our loved ones. His BW still doesn't know (for certain) and sometimes I think she deserves to know. I have NEVER had any desire to tell her, but I feel guilty towards her now. I empathize with her in a way. I know she's going crazy inside, wondering what's wrong with her marriage, feeling like she must be insane with all of these gut feelings and suspicions that he just denies over and over, because there's no hard proof.

 

And then I wonder why he did this to me. Why did he push so hard for this relationship that was doomed? He hurt me over and over. I let him. It took SO MUCH PAIN for me to finally see the light. And at the same time, it took so much pain because I also fell in love with him, hard. At least, it truly felt that way at the time. It took 100 times more pain in order to cancel out the good. I now believe that no man who truly loves me would put me in such a situation. Love doesn't act like that. Love doesn't make the recipient feel like that.

 

I hurt for my husband and the feelings, images, thoughts, and memories that he will never be able to erase from his brain.

 

Today there is a knot in my stomach, a heaviness in my chest. I don't know why. I just need to get through today.

 

Me too. Why did mm drag me through all this 6 "years to stay at home and be miserable. )-%

[Blu72]

Sorry Southern..I know how hard you have worked toward where you are today. Please don't let this set you back. Nothing good can come of it if you respond. Delete and then block him from that email address. Don't go backward. Stay strong. Post here if it helps. Post here what you would have said instead of responding to him if it helps.

[Southern Sun]

I see the replies about telling my H. Blu, Rainbow, I appreciate the support, as you have been 'with me' since I started posting. I'm not sure what to say right now, except I appreciate the responses.

 

I am very upset. This is the worst time in my life. I am grateful for my health, my children's health, my husband. I know things could be so much worse. We could live in a war-torn country, could be starving, sick, oppressed, etc. However I am starting to think that the pain we inflict upon ourselves can be at least as devastating. Sorry, not trying to be dramatic. I've just never felt like this before.

 

Goodnight, all.

[jbrent890]

I see the replies about telling my H. Blu, Rainbow, I appreciate the support, as you have been 'with me' since I started posting. I'm not sure what to say right now, except I appreciate the responses.

 

I am very upset. This is the worst time in my life. I am grateful for my health, my children's health, my husband. I know things could be so much worse. We could live in a war-torn country, could be starving, sick, oppressed, etc. However I am starting to think that the pain we inflict upon ourselves can be at least as devastating. Sorry, not trying to be dramatic. I've just never felt like this before.

 

Goodnight, all.

 

So what did you decide to do Southern?

[Southern Sun]

So what did you decide to do Southern?

 

Hi jbrent -

 

I did not tell my husband. I told xMM I did not expect to hear from him again. Supposedly he was just missing me and wanted to connect. That was it and it's back to silence. I am angry that he popped in to potentially mess up our healing.

 

I know you and others recommended I tell my BH, but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. You may recall that I had very low contact with xMM after D Day. I confessed to my BH that I spoke with xMM once to end things after D Day, but in reality we spoke several times before the goodbye conversation. I was afraid by telling him of the breach in NC, that it would come to light that the goodbye had happened later than I had previously told him. I know, if I had told the truth to begin with, this would't be an issue. But I am where I am. I did the best I could at the time.

[DKT3]

Hi jbrent -

 

I did not tell my husband. I told xMM I did not expect to hear from him again. Supposedly he was just missing me and wanted to connect. That was it and it's back to silence. I am angry that he popped in to potentially mess up our healing.

 

I know you and others recommended I tell my BH, but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. You may recall that I had very low contact with xMM after D Day. I confessed to my BH that I spoke with xMM once to end things after D Day, but in reality we spoke several times before the goodbye conversation. I was afraid by telling him of the breach in NC, that it would come to light that the goodbye had happened later than I had previously told him. I know, if I had told the truth to begin with, this would't be an issue. But I am where I am. I did the best I could at the time.

 

How do you work as a team if you continue to with hold things from your husband? OM contacting you isn't anything you did wrong, not telling your husband allows you to continue to hold on to something from your affair, even if its just a small something.

 

Its little details like this that tend to end marriages.

[jbrent890]

Hi jbrent -

 

I did not tell my husband. I told xMM I did not expect to hear from him again. Supposedly he was just missing me and wanted to connect. That was it and it's back to silence. I am angry that he popped in to potentially mess up our healing.

 

I know you and others recommended I tell my BH, but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. You may recall that I had very low contact with xMM after D Day. I confessed to my BH that I spoke with xMM once to end things after D Day, but in reality we spoke several times before the goodbye conversation. I was afraid by telling him of the breach in NC, that it would come to light that the goodbye had happened later than I had previously told him. I know, if I had told the truth to begin with, this would't be an issue. But I am where I am. I did the best I could at the time.

 

Southern IMO, I think you missed a beautiful opportunity to help restore trust in your relationship. Personally, I don't see how this could have hurt you. I think at some level your husband expects this guy to try to contact you. I don't want to sound mean, but I'm not really seeing that much personal growth here. Yes, im happy that the affair is over, but you are still lying and omitting things to your husband. My question to you is when does it stop? Your continuing to lie in order to keep him from making informed choices. I'm sorry to say if he chooses to leave, then that is his choice. Listen I get it, you don't want to end up with nothing, but I don't think it's fair to him that you get to control what he does or does not know in an effort to keep him in this marriage. Again, I'm still seeing a lot of selfishness here, which might hurt you in the long run.

[Southern Sun]

I might be in the wrong. But neither of you are living in my house. Neither of you see what me and my H go through every day. Neither of you see the consequences BOTH of us are suffering, the turmoil we are going through, the ways we are scraping each other back off the ground. I am not posting the myriad very selfish bits of my personality that have been burned away, piece by piece. I know you have both been there, but still, our paths are different. This is an absolute nightmare. Was it my fault that xMM contacted me? No. But do I want to fiercely protect my H and do everything I can to prevent that sickness from rising up from his stomach to his throat? Yes.

 

If you had called me selfish two weeks ago jbrent, I would not have been okay. I have rediscovered some strength in the last few days, thankfully. I know I acted in selfish ways during my A. However I am NOT in the A anymore and do NOT want the A anymore. I see what I did wrong, I am disgusted by my behavior, I am sickened by what I did to my H and my family, and I NEVER want to go there again. So no, I do not think I earn the title of selfish today.

[DKT3]

I might be in the wrong. But neither of you are living in my house. Neither of you see what me and my H go through every day. Neither of you see the consequences BOTH of us are suffering, the turmoil we are going through, the ways we are scraping each other back off the ground. I am not posting the myriad very selfish bits of my personality that have been burned away, piece by piece. I know you have both been there, but still, our paths are different. This is an absolute nightmare. Was it my fault that xMM contacted me? No. But do I want to fiercely protect my H and do everything I can to prevent that sickness from rising up from his stomach to his throat? Yes.

 

If you had called me selfish two weeks ago jbrent, I would not have been okay. I have rediscovered some strength in the last few days, thankfully. I know I acted in selfish ways during my A. However I am NOT in the A anymore and do NOT want the A anymore. I see what I did wrong, I am disgusted by my behavior, I am sickened by what I did to my H and my family, and I NEVER want to go there again. So no, I do not think I earn the title of selfish today.

 

Why so hostile?

 

My point is this is how you rebuild trust. Sure its hard, its painful but it has to been done.

 

I wish you luck. I bow out now.

[jbrent890]

I might be in the wrong. But neither of you are living in my house. Neither of you see what me and my H go through every day. Neither of you see the consequences BOTH of us are suffering, the turmoil we are going through, the ways we are scraping each other back off the ground. I am not posting the myriad very selfish bits of my personality that have been burned away, piece by piece. I know you have both been there, but still, our paths are different. This is an absolute nightmare. Was it my fault that xMM contacted me? No. But do I want to fiercely protect my H and do everything I can to prevent that sickness from rising up from his stomach to his throat? Yes.

 

If you had called me selfish two weeks ago jbrent, I would not have been okay. I have rediscovered some strength in the last few days, thankfully. I know I acted in selfish ways during my A. However I am NOT in the A anymore and do NOT want the A anymore. I see what I did wrong, I am disgusted by my behavior, I am sickened by what I did to my H and my family, and I NEVER want to go there again. So no, I do not think I earn the title of selfish today.

 

Southern you said it yourself, you didnt want to tell your husband about the email because you were worried that he would find out about the other lies you told. Call it what you want, but that is selfish. I'm sure at some level you want to protect your husband from you (you have to lie to protect your husband from yourself. Really let that sink in), but at a large level, this is about you protecting yourself. Like I said, you don't want to end up with nothing, so you are doing everything in your power (including lying) to keep your husband from divorcing you. Again, that's selfish. Listen, the marriages that survived this are the ones where the wayward put everything on the line. They even told the BS that if they need to divorce, they wouldn't take a dime. It's that type of selflessness that saves marriages from this. The reason I'm telling you that is that you need to be prepared to lose your husband in order to save this marriage. Right now you are not prepared to lose him, which is why you are continuing to lie. I'm sorry but I have seen so many Waywards give the exact same excuse "I'm lying to protect my BS from further hurt." The thing is you and I both know that is a lie.

Edited April 3, 2015 by jbrent890

[Blu72]

Southern, you do what YOU need to do. Like you said, none of us are living your personal hell right now. We all have our situations and how we are dealing or dealt with them is going to be different based on our individual relationships. No one is an authority on how to deal or make things right. I think you did what you needed to do. Stay strong..for what it's worth I believe you will eventually come out the other side in a better place.

[Southern Sun]

Why so hostile?

 

My point is this is how you rebuild trust. Sure its hard, its painful but it has to been done.

 

I wish you luck. I bow out now.

 

I was not being hostile. I was just being straightforward.

[jbrent890]

Southern, you do what YOU need to do. Like you said, none of us are living your personal hell right now. We all have our situations and how we are dealing or dealt with them is going to be different based on our individual relationships. No one is an authority on how to deal or make things right. I think you did what you needed to do. Stay strong..for what it's worth I believe you will eventually come out the other side in a better place.

 

The "do what you need to do" line is one of most hilarious pieces of advice I hear on this site and others. If someone told me that honesty was the best way to save my marriage (and that's not my advice, it has be proven time and time again that honesty is the best way to save a marriage after an affair is revealed and that continuing to lie kills your chances) wouldn't that be what she needed to do? That is the end result right to save the marriage? What you are telling her to do is what she wants to do, which is a mentality that got her into this mess in the first place. My point is this, covering up lies with lies is not going to break the pattern of lying no matter how well your intentions are. Remembering the old saying, the road to hell is paved with those type of intentions.

[Southern Sun]

Southern you said it yourself, you didnt want to tell your husband about the email because you were worried that he would find out about the other lies you told. Call it what you want, but that is selfish. I'm sure at some level you want to protect your husband from you (you have to lie to protect your husband from yourself. Really let that sink in), but at a large level, this is about you protecting yourself. Like I said, you don't want to end up with nothing, so you are doing everything in your power (including lying) to keep your husband from divorcing you. Again, that's selfish. Listen, the marriages that survived this are the ones where the wayward put everything on the line. They even told the BS that if they need to divorce, they wouldn't take a dime. It's that type of selflessness that saves marriages from this. The reason I'm telling you that is that you need to be prepared to lose your husband in order to save this marriage. Right now you are not prepared to lose him, which is why you are continuing to lie. I'm sorry but I have seen so many Waywards give the exact same excuse "I'm lying to protect my BS from further hurt." The thing is you and I both know that is a lie.

 

Again - you do not know what I am going through. You have not heard my commitments to him, the sacrifies I am making, the altars I am willingingly laying upon. I am not saying any of these things to illicit sympathy. You just seem to assume I am NOT doing any of these things, so I must respond.

 

In general, I have not been lying 'to protect my BS'. I confessed the truth to my BS. I immediately told him the full scope of the affair even though I could have minimized in a thousand ways. After I told him the overall timeline, I answered every question honestly. He didn't catch me. In this instance, I was faced with a choice to make and I made it. If it was the wrong one, I am sure I will figure that out. If my husband divorces me over THIS choice, then I will have to live with that. I have already done the hardest work of my life. THAT was nothing compared to everything else.

[jbrent890]

Again - you do not know what I am going through. You have not heard my commitments to him, the sacrifies I am making, the altars I am willingingly laying upon. I am not saying any of these things to illicit sympathy. You just seem to assume I am NOT doing any of these things, so I must respond.

 

In general, I have not been lying 'to protect my BS'. I confessed the truth to my BS. I immediately told him the full scope of the affair even though I could have minimized in a thousand ways. After I told him the overall timeline, I answered every question honestly. He didn't catch me. In this instance, I was faced with a choice to make and I made it. If it was the wrong one, I am sure I will figure that out. If my husband divorces me over THIS choice, then I will have to live with that. I have already done the hardest work of my life. THAT was nothing compared to everything else.

 

So your omitting information then? I'm sorry to say that isn't that much better than lying.

[jwi71]

I might be in the wrong. But neither of you are living in my house. Neither of you see what me and my H go through every day. Neither of you see the consequences BOTH of us are suffering, the turmoil we are going through, the ways we are scraping each other back off the ground. I am not posting the myriad very selfish bits of my personality that have been burned away, piece by piece. I know you have both been there, but still, our paths are different. This is an absolute nightmare. Was it my fault that xMM contacted me? No.

 

As a BH myself from years ago I, as others who have gone through the R process, remember well - well as in clear not as in good - what you now live. And it is that experience, while in large parts unique and personal to each, that commonalities emerge over time - and further reinforced in IC, this site (and others) and several years with which to reflect upon it all.

 

Please don't think that I am not on your side - I am. And you are making a classic mistake IMO. You are telling ever more lies to cover up prior lies. It is not sustainable. And what does lying do? Erodes trust. The very thing your M needs the most. And lies grow with time. I don't mean become more outlandish - though they can - I mean the impact they carry when outed grows with time.

 

My advice, as you know, is to sit your H down and come clean. It is the only way to inoculate the future. Not doing so forever leaves the door open to yet another discovery by your H - and then every moment he lived from point of lie being told to that discovery becomes "unreal" and grey - what was true and what was a lie. I cannot envision your M surviving that. Maybe - but very unlikely.

 

But do I want to fiercely protect my H and do everything I can to prevent that sickness from rising up from his stomach to his throat? Yes.

 

You are NOT protecting your H from hurt. You are protecting yourself. And no one faults you for doing so. You cannot prevent that lump as you are the cause of that lump. One more time you can't protect him from this hurt. That pain he feels is something HE must overcome. Its called forgiveness. And that's his battle to wage. His to win or lose. You, imo, help him BEST by being honest. Lying serves only yourself. It sets him BACK. It sets YOU back. It further wounds the M.

 

You are again, like whilst in throes of your A, are gambling it wont come out - you won't get caught in the little lies. That no one will get hurt. Maybe you are right. But if you are not...and you find yourself having to "reset" the story yet again- there may not be enough trust left to put your fractured M back together. That's the gamble you are taking. I think its foolish - the truth you hide is inconsequential. The lie, if caught, so damaging for so little.

 

If you had called me selfish two weeks ago jbrent, I would not have been okay. I have rediscovered some strength in the last few days, thankfully. I know I acted in selfish ways during my A. However I am NOT in the A anymore and do NOT want the A anymore. I see what I did wrong, I am disgusted by my behavior, I am sickened by what I did to my H and my family, and I NEVER want to go there again. So no, I do not think I earn the title of selfish today.

 

Can't see the forest for the trees.

 

If I may ask a Q of you sun...how do you think your H will react if you are caught in a lie about the OM?

 

(Ok, you know where I stand and now they why...I wont berate you anymore about it. I do reserve the right to repeat - in a non-beratey way - lying is not good despite what you think).

 

Good luck. Its a long hard road...it will take years to recover.

[Southern Sun]

As a BH myself from years ago I, as others who have gone through the R process, remember well - well as in clear not as in good - what you now live. And it is that experience, while in large parts unique and personal to each, that commonalities emerge over time - and further reinforced in IC, this site (and others) and several years with which to reflect upon it all.

 

Please don't think that I am not on your side - I am. And you are making a classic mistake IMO. You are telling ever more lies to cover up prior lies. It is not sustainable. And what does lying do? Erodes trust. The very thing your M needs the most. And lies grow with time. I don't mean become more outlandish - though they can - I mean the impact they carry when outed grows with time.

 

My advice, as you know, is to sit your H down and come clean. It is the only way to inoculate the future. Not doing so forever leaves the door open to yet another discovery by your H - and then every moment he lived from point of lie being told to that discovery becomes "unreal" and grey - what was true and what was a lie. I cannot envision your M surviving that. Maybe - but very unlikely.

 

 

 

You are NOT protecting your H from hurt. You are protecting yourself. And no one faults you for doing so. You cannot prevent that lump as you are the cause of that lump. One more time you can't protect him from this hurt. That pain he feels is something HE must overcome. Its called forgiveness. And that's his battle to wage. His to win or lose. You, imo, help him BEST by being honest. Lying serves only yourself. It sets him BACK. It sets YOU back. It further wounds the M.

 

You are again, like whilst in throes of your A, are gambling it wont come out - you won't get caught in the little lies. That no one will get hurt. Maybe you are right. But if you are not...and you find yourself having to "reset" the story yet again- there may not be enough trust left to put your fractured M back together. That's the gamble you are taking. I think its foolish - the truth you hide is inconsequential. The lie, if caught, so damaging for so little.

 

 

 

Can't see the forest for the trees.

 

If I may ask a Q of you sun...how do you think your H will react if you are caught in a lie about the OM?

 

(Ok, you know where I stand and now they why...I wont berate you anymore about it. I do reserve the right to repeat - in a non-beratey way - lying is not good despite what you think).

 

Good luck. Its a long hard road...it will take years to recover.

 

I appreciate your thoughtful reply. I will think about it.

[Cali408]

Southern, do not tell your husband. Just move forward. And you're not being hostile. You're getting pushed into a corner.

 

Stay strong, and stop responding.

 

Make a suggestion is fine, but to continue pushing and pushing your point when you don't live under her roof is wrong. One size doesn't fit all

[Blu72]

Jbrent - let's be clear YOU are not an expert on her marriage or what she is doing or needs to do. You give your advice and I will respond how ever I feel. You can think what I say has no merit and that's your perogative. Just like its mine to think your approach tends to be harsher than needs to be. She is dealing the best she can right now, that's not to say she won't think about things more and change her approach if need be. I chose to not kick her when she is already down. Again- my opinion. Take it or leave it.

[the_artist_1970]

Again - you do not know what I am going through. You have not heard my commitments to him, the sacrifies I am making, the altars I am willingingly laying upon. I am not saying any of these things to illicit sympathy. You just seem to assume I am NOT doing any of these things, so I must respond.

 

In general, I have not been lying 'to protect my BS'. I confessed the truth to my BS. I immediately told him the full scope of the affair even though I could have minimized in a thousand ways. After I told him the overall timeline, I answered every question honestly. He didn't catch me. In this instance, I was faced with a choice to make and I made it. If it was the wrong one, I am sure I will figure that out. If my husband divorces me over THIS choice, then I will have to live with that. I have already done the hardest work of my life. THAT was nothing compared to everything else.

 

Southern, doing what you feel is right didn't work out for you during your A, did it? Being open and honest with your DH even if you don't think you should will rebuild trust in your M. When my DH showed me an email that the xow sent him and we both were able to reply to her, we showed that we were a united front and I began to build trust in him again. We are seven years post D-Day, and it has been the worse experience of our lives. But today our M is stronger than ever and we stand together as a unit.

 

You can't rebuild by having secrets.

[jbrent890]

Who is beating her up? She is not some timid creature that you need to be delicate with or she will run away. Telling someone what they don't what they don't want hear isn't beating them up. If southern wants to continue to lie and omit things to keep her husband from making informed decisions (which is exactly what she is doing), then it's her life. If her husband ever finds out about the email or the contact after d day, I hope she gives him a better explanation than I was trying to protect you. A lot of us have been fed that line and a lot of us didn't believe it. I will now out for now. Southern I really do hope that you know what your doing.