I don't know how a normal healthy relationship works and as a result I'm the crazy gf

[stupidkittten]

My parents were possessive over each other. My first real boyfriend was insanely possessive and then proceeded to date the first girl I was worried he had feelings for that was his friend, immediately afterwards and then the second girl. Any relationship I've been in, any new friend they made ended up being the person they were with immediately. I'm guilty of this myself once. As a result, I'm a very jealous person and even though I've gotten so much better, I feel like it's starting to come back.

 

Rationally, I feel like at least 2 of the guys I dated were just serial cheaters and the rest, just wasn't good relationships. It wasn't really serious.

 

My problem is I don't know how to determine when my boyfriend has normal platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex vs when it crosses the line. I always feel like it crosses the line and I always feel like if I ignore it, it's just going to happen to me all over again.

 

He just recently got a job and as a result, there's a couple of female co workers he regularly conversates a little with, particularly one. She has a boyfriend and he nevers really says anything besides that she's the most normal person there. He's brought up once maybe asking her if we could all go out for drinks because I mentioned how much I miss having a girl friend to drink with (we moved cross country recently) but it's always in the back of my mind.

 

He doesn't treat me any different. He doesn't seem distant. He hasn't made any effort to actually have a friendship with anyone besides a guy outside of work and even then he invited me everytime. Our sex life is great. Everything's relatively good but I just feel this unease. The only remotely supicious thing he did was a while back when I suggested maybe getting a job there since it's within walking distance and we could use the money, he tried to talk me out of it. Then when I just kept persisting, he accused me of wanting to spy on him. Which at first, the fact he'd assume that raised my anxiety crazy but then I realized given our past, it's a reasonable assumption. I was super crazy jealous in the beginning and always questioning him, and I had already voiced that I didn't like one girl talking to him. He also said that he didn't really want me working there because it's his alone time, that it's healthy to have some time apart.

 

I feel like I'm being crazy for feeling so uneasy but I hate even hearing him mention a girl's name when he's talking about conversations that happened that day, or when he says stuff like "the last hour was really slow, so we all just kind of sat around and talked". I especially feel like I'm being crazy considering none of the girls who work with him are single.

 

I guess what I want to know is, when should I actually be worried about this stuff? What signs should I be wary of? Also, how did any of you overcome jealously? I want to improve.

[PegNosePete]

Your entire case for distrusting him is based on the fact that he talks to another female (who he invited you to meet) and doesn't want you to work with him?

 

Yes, you're being crazy.

[MissMaryJane]

Holy ****, did I write this post? I'm in the exact same situation.

 

Look, your boyfriend is always going to work around women. Women are everywhere and there's just no avoiding that. He might even befriend a few of them; it's almost impossible to not form some sort of friendship after spending so much time with someone. And there's nothing wrong with that. The more you try to control those friendships, the more he's going to resent you.

 

Do you work? Are you in school? Do the two of you live together? It sounds as if you might have too much time on your hands. You have too much time to think about all of the things that might be going on. If you spent more time focusing on yourself and your own life, you wouldn't care about who he was or wasn't talking to at work. You need some independence outside of the relationship.

 

Believe me, I know how hard it is. I literally cringe when I hear him say a female coworker's name. But, what keeps me grounded is the fact that he's coming home to ME every night. He's sleeping in MY bed and spending all of his free time with ME. He might talk to girls at work, but that's where the relationship ends.

 

On top of that, I came to terms with the fact that I cannot prevent him from cheating. If someone wants to cheat, there isn't anything you can say or do to stop them.

 

I don't think you need to be getting a job with your boyfriend. I think that would make the situation uncomfortable for everyone involved. If you cannot control your emotions, you're going to create unnecessary drama. It's unhealthy to be spending that much time together anyway, especially if you already live together. Like I said, you need to focus on your own life with your own job, your own hobbies, and your own friends.

 

Ask yourself this - do you expect him to sit in complete and total silence at work? Do you expect him to ignore every woman he comes in contact with? Do you expect him to be rude to them? If you believe that what he's doing is wrong, what would be right?

 

You might even want to consider taking him up on his offer to have dinner/drinks with her. You never know, the two of you could end up becoming good friends. If nothing else, you'd have the chance to "feel her out" and make your presence known.

[preraph]

It's the ones he's NOT talking about you worry about. The ones he is, if it seems like he's really becoming good friends and it's going outside of work, invite her to dinner and or out for drinks and see how they are around each other and see if she warms to you as a friendly acquaintance or seems put out that you exist. That way he can have her as a friend and if you and her get along, then no reason not to invite you to their outings.

[stupidkittten]

Do you work? Are you in school? Do the two of you live together? It sounds as if you might have too much time on your hands. You have too much time to think about all of the things that might be going on. If you spent more time focusing on yourself and your own life, you wouldn't care about who he was or wasn't talking to at work. You need some independence outside of the relationship.

 

No and no. I want to get a job or go to school but right now we don't have transportation and the only decent place in walking distance is where he works. I do feel like I'd feel better if I was getting out and making friends but no luck just yet.

 

I don't think you need to be getting a job with your boyfriend. I think that would make the situation uncomfortable for everyone involved. If you cannot control your emotions, you're going to create unnecessary drama. It's unhealthy to be spending that much time together anyway, especially if you already live together.

 

Yeah, I mean I don't disagree with the whole needing apart time. I honestly just wanted to work there because it's the closest place and I'm really awkward around people, so it would've made it easier to adjust. I wouldn't have caused drama though. I'm a very nonconfrontation person but I may have seen normal interactions and harbored feelings of jealously that I'd end up getting upset about after work.

 

Ask yourself this - do you expect him to sit in complete and total silence at work? Do you expect him to ignore every woman he comes in contact with? Do you expect him to be rude to them? If you believe that what he's doing is wrong, what would be right?

 

In a perfect world, he wouldn't talk at all unless it was about work but I know that's not realistic and it's crazy to even ask. I don't really believe that what he's doing is wrong. I just mainly have the fear that he's gonna talk to other people and then come to the conclusion he can do better. Which is dumb because none of the people who work with him are even close to the type of girl he likes lol.

 

You might even want to consider taking him up on his offer to have dinner/drinks with her. You never know, the two of you could end up becoming good friends. If nothing else, you'd have the chance to "feel her out" and make your presence known.

 

Yeah maybe. I mean he only suggested it because I was complaining about not having a girl friend. I shouldn't even be worried about her. She's probably 5 or 6 years older than him, his manager and very professional, and she has a boyfriend. Idk. I really couldn't ask for a better job for him, I guess. All the girls there are taken so even if they tried anything, why would he leave someone he's in great relationship with for someone who doesn't respect relationships, and I don't think I'm the best looking but I'm definitely better looking than they are, and none of them are even the kind of people he'd goes for and he hasn't been any less affectionate. Idk why I'm so uneasy about it.

[stupidkittten]

It's the ones he's NOT talking about you worry about. The ones he is, if it seems like he's really becoming good friends and it's going outside of work, invite her to dinner and or out for drinks and see how they are around each other and see if she warms to you as a friendly acquaintance or seems put out that you exist. That way he can have her as a friend and if you and her get along, then no reason not to invite you to their outings.

 

There's not any girl he doesn't mention occasionally when something happens, so I guess that's a good thing. He usually tells me anything weird or interesting people told him. I probably shouldn't worry. They all have boyfriends, one is even married and the rest are way older than him.

[Spectre]

A lot of people are getting on you for this and I get their points, but I just wanted to say I do understand where you are coming from. You know how people who suffer traumatic events can, afterwards, suffer and be really stressed because of it? PTSD, it can happen to people who have been in combat, etc. Of course I am not saying what is happening is on that level. My point is that I think past relationships can indeed do something similar in that it can cause problems, stress, etc. not because of what is happening in the present, but the past.

 

You had bf's in the past who took the "being friends with the opposite sex" thing too far. You've also been cheated on in the past as well. I know from personal experience that even when you get over the person you cheated on..the scars still remain. I wasn't exactly possessive like you, but I did have MAJOR problems trusting women even though they weren't the ones who had hurt me. It's a hard thing to deal with, and yeah it takes work to curb those emotions.

 

Personally though I do find friendships with the opposite sex to be playing with fire. Being friends with someone at work is one thing..if it stays in the work place. For me, when they start going out for drinks etc after work hours..that is when you might be concerned. Although for this specific case your boyfriend invited you along so that is a good sign.

 

So yeah, obviously you need to learn to control this behavior. Though I will say if he begins hanging out with these chicks without you after work hours..I'm not saying that necessarily means anything, but that is when I would be concerned, I don't know about other people.

[smackie9]

There are no guarantees with relationships. If bad s hit happens it's because life happens, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. To me all this worry is wasted energy. If you think positively, it enhances your life, people will be drawn to you, you will make more friends, and with friends support your life becomes fulfilled. So if something happens within the realtionship, you have your own fulfilled life to fall back on, and supportive friends to help you through the healing process. This isn't your last relationship, there will be more and so on. The whole key to life is to keep positive!