GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) So here it goes, I have two older cousins. I'm in my early 20's and they are in their mid-30's. The guy is my cousin and then it's his wife. I wasn't really close with him growing up age gap/went away to school. However, the past 4 years we became close. They have had kids since then who I love. Anyways, we were all close, saw them every month. When his wife was expecting her second child she wanted the whole family to get the flu and tdap shots before seeing the baby. I didn't, so I guess that's why I haven't seen them or really have talked to them much. We never had an argument about this, just some comments and emails about getting it. Anyways, our grandmother passed away last month. He wasn't that close to her, but I was very close to her and they knew that. When she died neither of them called me. When I saw them at the funeral/wake he said hello and talked to me a little, but she didn't say one word to me. It didn't seem like she was mad at me though. She is a very serious person to begin with and you can't always know what she is thinking or feeling. However, I was very disappointed in both of them. I wanted them to call me and see how I was. It was extremely strange she didn't talk to me at the funeral/wake. If they were mad about me not getting the shots, this was not the time to hold a grudge. I was devastated about her death and really could have used the support. So, now I guess I will just pull back since I see they don't care about me. I am upset about it, but I guess it is what it is. What do you all think about this? Am I overreacting? Should I be mad? Edited March 23, 2015 by GH101 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You are over reacting. I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother. People act weirdly at funerals. As for your cousins, they have kids. Their lives are more hectic & on a different path. They probably can't see past their kids & are sleep deprived. Call them up to chat. Go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 You are over reacting. I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother. People act weirdly at funerals. As for your cousins, they have kids. Their lives are more hectic & on a different path. They probably can't see past their kids & are sleep deprived. Call them up to chat. Go from there. Thank you, however I don't think there is any excuse for not saying hello to me at the funeral. I don't think having children is a reason to not send there condolences and give support. They seem to only care about themselves and its just a shame because I thought we were closer. I will not call them, they don't care about me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 That's your prerogative. But I'm telling you people are weird at funerals. Unless you are willing to abandon this relationship for all time, reach out. If you still get rebuffed, at least you tried. If you do nothing, this may not be fixable years from now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 That's your prerogative. But I'm telling you people are weird at funerals. Unless you are willing to abandon this relationship for all time, reach out. If you still get rebuffed, at least you tried. If you do nothing, this may not be fixable years from now. Weird at funerals? How is this an excuse. They also didn't say their condolences to my uncle, aunt or mother and they were the ones that lost their mother. They only stayed with each other and their baby. I'm not going to abandon the relationship just pull back. They have some functions coming up at their house. I will go just not talk much. Things are not the same and I can't get passed the rudeness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Does anyone else have any thoughts about this? Should I just let this go or do I have a reason to be mad? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Weird at funerals? How is this an excuse. They also didn't say their condolences to my uncle, aunt or mother and they were the ones that lost their mother. They only stayed with each other and their baby. Well, at least you know that it likely had nothing to do with you (i.e, the issue with the shots) if they acted like this with others. Funerals can be wierd, with a lot of people not knowing what to say or do. Or maybe they are rude, in which case you need to re-eavaluate whether you want a relationship with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Well, at least you know that it likely had nothing to do with you (i.e, the issue with the shots) if they acted like this with others. Funerals can be wierd, with a lot of people not knowing what to say or do. Or maybe they are rude, in which case you need to re-eavaluate whether you want a relationship with them. Well, my mom didn't get the shots either and my cousins don't have a good relationship with my aunt and uncle. I had a good relationship with them. Weird at funerals? Well, they are educated people and should know to say hello and sorry. I want a relationship with their kids. I am just disappointed to realize they don't care about me. What would you do if you were me? Link to post Share on other sites
littlesister1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I agree. Try establishing contact. If it doesn't work, at least you tried. And I agree, do nothing and later you won't be able to fix it, cause time will change things drastically, plus there is no point in torturing yourself with the what if question. This is from personal experience. I tried reestablishing contact with my cousins, and they just didn't want anything to do with me, this is mostly cultural differences (I grew up in the USA and my dad's family is from Europe. When I moved to Europe I was hoping to at least have some family to talk to, but they didn't want a relationship with me). I realized then, and am no longer torn that they don't want to hang out with me. I can at least say I tried, and even though I didn't get the result I wanted, I did see them for who they were and now I just don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I agree. Try establishing contact. If it doesn't work, at least you tried. And I agree, do nothing and later you won't be able to fix it, cause time will change things drastically, plus there is no point in torturing yourself with the what if question. This is from personal experience. I tried reestablishing contact with my cousins, and they just didn't want anything to do with me, this is mostly cultural differences (I grew up in the USA and my dad's family is from Europe. When I moved to Europe I was hoping to at least have some family to talk to, but they didn't want a relationship with me). I realized then, and am no longer torn that they don't want to hang out with me. I can at least say I tried, and even though I didn't get the result I wanted, I did see them for who they were and now I just don't care. Why should I reach out to them? They ignore me at the funeral and seem to not care about me and I should call them? He emailed me since the funeral just to check in and tell me what's new. I responded and told him what's new with me. I don't think they think anything is wrong to be honest. They are just strange people who have no common sense. I just will never forget the lack of caring. I was very upset and they showed no interest in being there for me whatsoever. If her grandmother passed away I would have cared so much more than they did for mine Link to post Share on other sites
littlesister1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Then the problem is solved. You don't have to be upset. If you say that they are insensitive and aren't there for you, then don't waste your time getting upset about it and move on. There aren't many options out there when you see something wrong and the other party involved in your eyes doesn't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 So you guys wouldn't be mad at all and chalk it up to people act weird at funerals/ wakes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Then the problem is solved. You don't have to be upset. If you say that they are insensitive and aren't there for you, then don't waste your time getting upset about it and move on. There aren't many options out there when you see something wrong and the other party involved in your eyes doesn't care. Yea, it's just disappointing. I really thought they cared. I guess I will just pull back and not care either. Link to post Share on other sites
littlesister1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 So you guys wouldn't be mad at all and chalk it up to people act weird at funerals/ wakes? To answer this, no. I wouldn't be mad. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 What would you do if you were me? I would talk to them about how their behavior hurt you. What else is there? Link to post Share on other sites
littlesister1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I would talk to them about how their behavior hurt you. What else is there? Yea, but he doesn't want to reach out to them is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yea, but he doesn't want to reach out to them is the problem. OP said he/she is going to their house for an upcoming family event. Link to post Share on other sites
littlesister1234 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 If the OP decides to confront the cousins at the family event, I hope OP is very careful. I personally would confront them privately first before bringing up something like this at a family event, where it could end up being an embarrassing situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 ^^ Absolutely, this discussion must be done delicately in private not when the cousins are hosting a house full of guests. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Weird at funerals? How is this an excuse. They also didn't say their condolences to my uncle, aunt or mother and they were the ones that lost their mother. They only stayed with each other and their baby. I'm not going to abandon the relationship just pull back. They have some functions coming up at their house. I will go just not talk much. Things are not the same and I can't get passed the rudeness. So it's not about you since they snubbed others. they are wrapped up in their own immediate family. Either let it go and be casual with them or talk to your cousins, be honest and sort it out. Playing a game or acting passive won't help in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I would talk to them about how their behavior hurt you. What else is there? They wouldn't care and think I was overreacting. They are awkard people and its very hard to reason with them Link to post Share on other sites
Author GH101 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 So it's not about you since they snubbed others. they are wrapped up in their own immediate family. Either let it go and be casual with them or talk to your cousins, be honest and sort it out. Playing a game or acting passive won't help in the long run. I appreciate everyone's advice. I will not confront them about it. I see they only care about their immediate family, so I will only care about mine. I just will pull back and be casual. It's just when I think back to that day I just can't believe how rude and unsupportive they were. I was crying and they just walked in and ignored me. It really was a disgrace. I really think they have something wrong with them and need social skills classes. I just could never imagine not saying sorry for your loss or hello. Well they snubbed my mom who also didn't get shots. She was annoyed and didn't understand what their problem was. She has chose to just let it go, but also pull back. She sees how they are. Would you guys think it was rude of them and not understand too? Do you think they should be mad I didn't get shots and use that as a reason to not be there for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 i think you were acting in accordance to your standards and sorrow. One thing i learned painfully was that people genuinely grieve differently. Sadly the common denominator - grief- gets sidelined when its so utterly necessary to grieve in harmony... No one has the authority to tell you to get shots . That was crossing the line. Its your body. They on the other hand deserve to protect their children from harmful ailments. Which I am sure you can understand. your relatives did drop the ball on being supportive ... and in time its on them. You are wise to take a step back... I send condolences, for no matter the time since the passing ... the loss lingers long after the funeral. Memories and fondness will heal the sorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I appreciate everyone's advice. I will not confront them about it. I see they only care about their immediate family, so I will only care about mine. I just will pull back and be casual. It's just when I think back to that day I just can't believe how rude and unsupportive they were. I was crying and they just walked in and ignored me. It really was a disgrace. I really think they have something wrong with them and need social skills classes. I just could never imagine not saying sorry for your loss or hello. Well they snubbed my mom who also didn't get shots. She was annoyed and didn't understand what their problem was. She has chose to just let it go, but also pull back. She sees how they are. Would you guys think it was rude of them and not understand too? Do you think they should be mad I didn't get shots and use that as a reason to not be there for me? When you were crying did any of your other relatives reach out to comfort you? I don't think they should be mad that you didn't get shots to be able to see their baby but I also don't think you should be mad at them for trying to protect their baby. If you are disgusted with them, feel they are unsupportive and rude why act fake and show up at their house for their function? Just don't go. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 From what I'm interpreting from your original post you are cousins and have the same relationship to your grandmother as your cousins do. I get that you say you are closer to her, but I think to expect them to "comfort" you in that situation is a bit much. She is their grandmother too, correct? In terms of the funeral, they are in the same relationship with her as you. Link to post Share on other sites
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