Cousins don't care about me

[GH101]

i think you were acting in accordance to your standards and sorrow. One thing i learned painfully was that people genuinely grieve differently. Sadly the common denominator - grief- gets sidelined when its so utterly necessary to grieve in harmony...

No one has the authority to tell you to get shots . That was crossing the line. Its your body. They on the other hand deserve to protect their children from harmful ailments. Which I am sure you can understand.

 

your relatives did drop the ball on being supportive ... and in time its on them. You are wise to take a step back...

 

I send condolences, for no matter the time since the passing ... the loss lingers long after the funeral. Memories and fondness will heal the sorrow.

Thank you for your condolenses. It has been hard for me the past weeks, but I am getting better.

My cousins weren't grieving like I was. My cousin was close to my grandma growing up, but hasn't been close to her in years. His wife wasn't really close to her either. They weren't so distracted by their grief they couldn't call me and then say hello to me and give me a hug at the funeral.

 

I respected their decision they only wanted people who had these shots around their baby. They started to act weird and distant after I didn't get the shots though.

They did drop the ball and came off really rude and strange. I will be stepping back.

Again thank you for your sympathy, I really appreciate it.

[GH101]

When you were crying did any of your other relatives reach out to comfort you?

 

I don't think they should be mad that you didn't get shots to be able to see their baby but I also don't think you should be mad at them for trying to protect their baby. If you are disgusted with them, feel they are unsupportive and rude why act fake and show up at their house for their function? Just don't go.

 

My mom and sister were there for me. Off and on other family members were there too. My cousins were not. I was with them most the day and my cousin barely talked to me and his wife didn't talk to me at all. She didn't say hello or give me a hug. It was like we were strangers and we aren't. I have been really close with them the past couple of years. I went over their house monthly and emailed all the time.

 

I am not mad at them because they wanted to protect their baby. I respected their wishes, even if I didn't agree. We stopped emailing and I wasn't invited over over after they knew I didn't get my shots. I thought now that's it's March I would have been invited though. The baby was at the wake and around all those people then.

 

I am going because it's a family function and the rest of my family will be there. It is a birthday party for their child and I love their kids. I really only want to stay somewhat close with them because of their kids. I'm not going to act fake, just pull back.

[GH101]

From what I'm interpreting from your original post you are cousins and have the same relationship to your grandmother as your cousins do. I get that you say you are closer to her, but I think to expect them to "comfort" you in that situation is a bit much. She is their grandmother too, correct? In terms of the funeral, they are in the same relationship with her as you.

 

Yes we technically have the same relationship to our grandma. However, she was my best friend and we were extremely close and they knew that. My cousins weren't grieving like I was. My cousin was close to my grandma growing up, but hasn't been close to her in years. His wife wasn't close to her either. They weren't so distracted by their grief they couldn't call me and then say hello to me and give me a hug at the funeral. I was taking it the hardest and everyone knew how close I was with her including them. Plenty of people called me once they heard the news; they didn't. Everyone else hugged me, sent their condolences, asked if there was anything they could do etc; they didn't. I didn't think they would comfort me, but at least say hello. I think they acted very distant and cold. I was really disappointed in both of them especially his wife. I couldn't believe how they acted towards me, they acted like strangers.

 

So, nobody agrees with me and thinks they acted strange? What would all of you think and do?

[CC12]

When she died neither of them called me. When I saw them at the funeral/wake he said hello and talked to me a little, but she didn't say one word to me.

 

However, I was very disappointed in both of them. I wanted them to call me and see how I was. It was extremely strange she didn't talk to me at the funeral/wake.

 

I was devastated about her death and really could have used the support. So, now I guess I will just pull back since I see they don't care about me.

 

What do you all think about this? Am I overreacting? Should I be mad?

 

No, you shouldn't be mad at them. Are you overreacting? Probably. You've managed to make your grandmother's death all about you, and how your family members should have reacted to you and your grief, since it was so clearly more important and substantial than anyone else's grief.

 

And yes, people act weird at funerals and when they're grieving. Don't be petty and take notes of it.

 

Also, you could have approached them at the funeral. You could have hugged them and given them condolences. Maybe they are disappointed that you didn't do that for them.

[GH101]

No, you shouldn't be mad at them. Are you overreacting? Probably. You've managed to make your grandmother's death all about you, and how your family members should have reacted to you and your grief, since it was so clearly more important and substantial than anyone else's grief.

 

And yes, people act weird at funerals and when they're grieving. Don't be petty and take notes of it.

 

Also, you could have approached them at the funeral. You could have hugged them and given them condolences. Maybe they are disappointed that you didn't do that for them.

 

I understand what your saying, however it wasn't like that. I was the one who was grieving the hardest; she was my best friend. They knew how close I was with her and I really could have used the support. They were very distant and acted like they didn't even know me. I was there first and when they walked in they should have went up to me. Everyone else in the family called me as soon as they heard the news. In my family everyone knew how close I was with my grandma. Their lack of actions just showed they didn't care about me. However, lets forget about me a minute; don't you think they should have at least said they were sorry to the children of the deceased? They didn't say anything to my mom. My cousin barely did and his wife didn't say anything. My grief was more important because I was the closest to her. You have to remember at a funeral you support the ones that were closest to the deceased; well that's how I see it. I was devastated and wasn't seeking out people; I didn't even remember most of the day until a few days later. Their uncaring and unsympathetic attitude towards me, my mom and rest of the family was a disgrace no matter what excuses are made for them.

[GH101]

No, you shouldn't be mad at them. Are you overreacting? Probably. You've managed to make your grandmother's death all about you, and how your family members should have reacted to you and your grief, since it was so clearly more important and substantial than anyone else's grief.

 

And yes, people act weird at funerals and when they're grieving. Don't be petty and take notes of it.

 

Also, you could have approached them at the funeral. You could have hugged them and given them condolences. Maybe they are disappointed that you didn't do that for them.

 

Also, I did go up to my cousin's wife to talk about her baby and she just gave one word answers. This is how she normally is though, so I don't really know if she was mad. She wasn't grieving, please don't think that they were. They were no where near as close as I was to our grandma. They needed to be the ones to reach out, not me.

[CC12]

My grief was more important because

 

You have to stop this. Seriously.

[GH101]

You have to stop this. Seriously.

Stop what? Their behavior was very strange. They weren't grieving and could have said hello to me. I can't believe your defending them. When someone dies you support the ones who were the closest to that person. You don't ignore them and act like they are strangers. If they would have showed some sympathy, I would have helped them as well.

[CC12]

They weren't grieving

 

Yes, they were.

[GH101]

Yes, they were.

 

How do you know? Okay, so that means they ignore everyone else? There is no excuse to not say anything to me.

[CC12]

I'm just trying to point out that the funeral was not all about you and that people were there to honor your grandmother. Not you.

 

NOT YOU.

[GH101]

I'm just trying to point out that the funeral was not all about you and that people were there to honor your grandmother. Not you.

 

NOT YOU.

 

I understand that. However, you support the people that were closest to the deceased; do you believe that? You think it is fine to just ignore family members? You don't think they should have said they were sorry to the daughter of the deceased? They weren't that close to grandma. They knew how close I was and should have called me and showed support at the funeral. My other cousins called me because they knew I would be taking it the hardest. You think their behavior was normal? You don't think they were rude or strange at all? They were not blinded by their own grief; they simply only care about themselves. I know that now and will be pulling back. I will never forget their rudeness and strangeness.

[CC12]

I understand that. However, you support the people that were closest to the deceased; do you believe that? You think it is fine to just ignore family members? You don't think they should have said they were sorry to the daughter of the deceased? They weren't that close to grandma. They knew how close I was and should have called me and showed support at the funeral. My other cousins called me because they knew I would be taking it the hardest. You think their behavior was normal? You don't think they were rude or strange at all? They were not blinded by their own grief; they simply only care about themselves. I know that now and will be pulling back. I will never forget their rudeness and strangeness.

 

"Oh no, grandma died."

"Oh NO. We should call GH101 immediately."

 

That's not how it goes, really.

 

Look, I don't know. I think you're being hard on your family members. You've all suffered a terrible loss, and you're all hurting. I think now is a good time to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and just forgive any awkwardness or rudeness.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[susanpetrick]

Hi! Sorry about your grandmother. But, I think your sister- in - law was much possessive about her child and that is not wrong though, maybe they have certain other issues which made them behave so in the funeral. You must talk to them, organize a get together, sit together and sort out all the misunderstandings. Tell them you love their children. Things will work out surely. I have a video that will help you to understand the importance of relationship. You can watch it http://goo.gl/xbg3po

[GH101]

"Oh no, grandma died."

"Oh NO. We should call GH101 immediately."

 

That's not how it goes, really.

 

Look, I don't know. I think you're being hard on your family members. You've all suffered a terrible loss, and you're all hurting. I think now is a good time to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and just forgive any awkwardness or rudeness.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

That's not what I am talking about at all. "Grandma died" few hours or days go by and then start making calls to see how others are doing and to hear funeral arrangements. They didn't really know them and went out to lunch themselves in between the funeral and wake. My cousin and his wife are not hurting as much as you think; that's probably why you don't fully grasp what happened. Again they were not overcome with grief, they were just rude and strange. I was the one overcome with grief and their unsupportive behavior was a disgrace. I just know now they aren't people to turn to or count on if I need help or support. Thank you for your condolences; it was more than my cousins did.

[GH101]

Hi! Sorry about your grandmother. But, I think your sister- in - law was much possessive about her child and that is not wrong though, maybe they have certain other issues which made them behave so in the funeral. You must talk to them, organize a get together, sit together and sort out all the misunderstandings. Tell them you love their children. Things will work out surely. I have a video that will help you to understand the importance of relationship. You can watch it http://goo.gl/xbg3po

 

Thank you, she is my cousin -in law. I don't understand why people are making excuses for them and trying to defend them. Why can't you all believe they are just rude and selfish people. I don't care what is going on in your life you tell the decease's children sorry for your loss. They are educated people who were fully capable of sending condolences and lending support. I was grieving and their lack of sympathy towards me was unforgivable. I will move passed it because talking to them will not help matters. They are strange people and have no common sense. I will just remember what happened and pull back. I hope to still see them because I love their kids.

[Timshel]

Thank you, she is my cousin -in law. I don't understand why people are making excuses for them and trying to defend them. Why can't you all believe they are just rude and selfish people. I don't care what is going on in your life you tell the decease's children sorry for your loss. They are educated people who were fully capable of sending condolences and lending support. I was grieving and their lack of sympathy towards me was unforgivable. I will move passed it because talking to them will not help matters. They are strange people and have no common sense. I will just remember what happened and pull back. I hope to still see them because I love their kids.

 

I do understand what you mean. All I can say is that your cousins do not understand. You will have to accept that, even though it is heart wrenching for you. Conversely, they do not understand why you refused the shots and probably feel that was a betrayal from you.

They have their perspective and you have yours. You feel yours should take precedence and while I may agree, they do not. Focus on your mom, the people who understand and are there for you.

Try to wrap your mind around that they do not understand that how they behaved hurt you and in future exchanges, meet them at their level of relationship. You had an expectation of them that they failed to meet and I think they feel the same about you.

You've got to let it go because it will compound and complicate your grief. I am sorry for your loss.

[GH101]

So it's not about you since they snubbed others. they are wrapped up in their own immediate family.

 

Either let it go and be casual with them or talk to your cousins, be honest and sort it out. Playing a game or acting passive won't help in the long run.

 

I do understand what you mean. All I can say is that your cousins do not understand. You will have to accept that, even though it is heart wrenching for you. Conversely, they do not understand why you refused the shots and probably feel that was a betrayal from you.

They have their perspective and you have yours. You feel yours should take precedence and while I may agree, they do not. Focus on your mom, the people who understand and are there for you.

Try to wrap your mind around that they do not understand that how they behaved hurt you and in future exchanges, meet them at their level of relationship. You had an expectation of them that they failed to meet and I think they feel the same about you.

You've got to let it go because it will compound and complicate your grief. I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you, I just don't understand why people on this board keep making excuses for them, such as ppl act weird at funerals, they have kids so they're busy, they are greiving too etc. I thought everyone would unanimously agree with me. Their behavior was inexcusable, period. They were not blinded by greif and were fully capable of sending condolences. Even if they were mad at me for not getting shots, they should put it aside during the funeral. This was an event where family needs to be there for each other and not hold grudges. I am disappointed in them and will not be as friendly with them. Thanks again

[Tayla]

Gh, to cheer you in an odd way... sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes your related to em:) Chin up, i get where your coming from and can only say... its a journey to healing... walk it with grace and dignity. Some folks regroup after such when they have endured such a loss. your simply doing what is necessary to move along. Prayers to you.

[GH101]

Gh, to cheer you in an odd way... sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes your related to em:) Chin up, i get where your coming from and can only say... its a journey to healing... walk it with grace and dignity. Some folks regroup after such when they have endured such a loss. your simply doing what is necessary to move along. Prayers to you.

 

Thank you. However this isn't really about healing, it's just discussing something that made me mad and confused. I wanted to read what others thought and what they would do. I wanted to see if I was overreacting or not. I'm not really upset, just disappointed and confused.

[Tayla]

okay. So you found out not everyone disagreed with your view point. in fact some of us here totally get your perspective and think you are doing what is necessary. You wont ever get ten ppl to all agree , its the nature of these threads. best you can do is know that some care enough to hear your side and respond supportively.

[GH101]

okay. So you found out not everyone disagreed with your view point. in fact some of us here totally get your perspective and think you are doing what is necessary. You wont ever get ten ppl to all agree , its the nature of these threads. best you can do is know that some care enough to hear your side and respond supportively.

 

Yes, I appreciate your input and time. I just assumed it was a given how they acted was wrong. I don't understand how anyone can justify their lack of support and caring. So you agree I should pull back and just act casual. You think I am not overreacting and how I feel is justified?

[Lostweekend]

I think this is about you and your boundaries. If you feel that they were in the wrong and behaved rudely you can either talk to them about it or distance yourself from them. It depends on how you feel about the friendship and if you want to make an effort to salvage the relationship?

 

People often have difficulty in knowing how to behave under such circumstances. Some people will avoid funerals and talking to the bereft at all costs because they are insecure about what to say or worried that they would say something wrong.

 

In some of your posts you express confusion at the fact that some of the posters here are making excuses for them and I can understand that. This is however up to you to decide. You seem adamant that they behaved in a way you weren't comfortable with and those are your feelings. Your boundaries! It´s up to you to decide if their behaviour was totally unacceptable and something you cannot move past, or if it´s something you are willing to accept and to talk to them about.

 

I totally get your frustration but you asked the forum for some input and you are getting just that. It´s input! It´s up to you to decide what you want to do with it and what you want to do about your situation! Hope it all works out!

[Sugarkane]

Are you're cousin and his wife always this cold and socially bad? If you're close I would expect at least some sympathy! It's not like he didn't know you were close to your grandmother. He doesn't sound like much of a friend! I think they have been pretty cold and mean.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Sugarkane

[GH101]

I think this is about you and your boundaries. If you feel that they were in the wrong and behaved rudely you can either talk to them about it or distance yourself from them. It depends on how you feel about the friendship and if you want to make an effort to salvage the relationship?

 

People often have difficulty in knowing how to behave under such circumstances. Some people will avoid funerals and talking to the bereft at all costs because they are insecure about what to say or worried that they would say something wrong.

 

In some of your posts you express confusion at the fact that some of the posters here are making excuses for them and I can understand that. This is however up to you to decide. You seem adamant that they behaved in a way you weren't comfortable with and those are your feelings. Your boundaries! It´s up to you to decide if their behaviour was totally unacceptable and something you cannot move past, or if it´s something you are willing to accept and to talk to them about.

 

I totally get your frustration but you asked the forum for some input and you are getting just that. It´s input! It´s up to you to decide what you want to do with it and what you want to do about your situation! Hope it all works out!

 

Thank you for your input. Well they're my cousins and I can't really cut them out of my life. I love their kids and definitely want a realtinship with them. I posted on here to just read what others thought. I wanted to have some people to discuss this with. I can't tell most of my family about this situation because everyone gossips and I don't really want to start anything. I know they were in the wrong and was just surprised to read people on here making excuses for them.

 

I understand people are uncomfortable at funerals. However, my cousins are educated adults who have been to funerals before. When our grandfather died 8 years ago they were more sympathetic towards me. This was ironic because I wasn't close with them back then. I barely knew his wife and my cousin was away right before that and I hadn't talk to him in years.

 

We had a wake after my grandma's funeral and that was not an uncomfortable situation. His wife didn't say anything to me there and my cousin barely did. I was close to both of them and their lack of sympthy was mind boggling. I understand people don't always know what to say at funerals, but saying nothing is not okay. I wanted them to acknowledge me and give me a hug. It was ridiculous how they acted like they didn't know me. They weren't blinded by grief and were fully capable of saying sorry to me and my mom. It seems to me either they don't care or they are mad at me for not getting shots. There is no point in talking to them about it because they will just think I am overreacting.

 

I have decided to just pull back and be casual. I won't be angry towards them just neutral. I will focus my time and energy on their children. Thanks again for your advice.

I was really posting on here to read what others thought and what others would do. I know what I am going to do already. I want to read what others would think and do.