Do men forgive (affairs) more easily?

[elaine567]

I guess if you remove the obvious reasons for holding onto a marriage, finances and children, then it would be a 50/50 gender split re divorce.

I do not believe women forgive more readily than men.

Some will, some won't.

 

Of course I guess that some that stay in marriages, never forgive, they just go through the motions.

Too scared to make that decision to go perhaps, too codependent, too ill mentally or physically, etc.

 

Just because a person stays in a marriage, it does not mean they have forgiven or have forgotten either.

[elaine567]

Elaine, do you forget about all the MMs saying their wives take them for granted? That they need a piece on the side bc their wives don't treat them like they did before they were married?

 

Of course, but Lifelongcheater is not interested I guess, in MM.

[William]

Folks, I moved this from Infidelity to GRD because there was no personal information shared by the thread starter about their own affair situation and the thread topic asks a general question. Also, I caught a suspicious new member using a duplicate username to circumvent new member review so that member has been banned. Advice from moderation: If you observe a new member posting in a significantly contentious or inflammatory manner, it's probably one of our trolls and, yup, I can say that because I deal with dozens of them on a regular basis.

 

The topic is valid so continue to discuss the topic regarding men forgiving affairs. Thanks!

[Friskyone4u]

Hurt

My God, this Dr.Harley is bonkers. He want a betrayed husband to endure the torture and humiliation for 2.5 years?

 

This is such bull **** it makes me wonder why anyone reads his books.

If you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, it specifically says in all of her research marriages are LESS likely to reconcile when women cheat. Her statement is that since women in more cases are emotionally involved and checked out of the marriage before the physical part of the affair starts there is lees likely chance to stay together in the long run. What you read here backs that up.

 

You do not see a lot of threads from men "pining" for their OW and ruining their chances for R ONCE THE SEX STOPS.

bUT we see thread after thread of women breaking NC to go on FB, still be "friends", and missing OM to the point of it ruining their husbands willingness to stay with them even if the initial betrayal could have been forgiven.

 

Men break NC and still keep on the affair IF the sex or chance of it is still there.

[gettingstronger]

This makes sense because, generally, women in my demographic don't consider EA's to be affairs, at least applicable to themselves.

 

 

What does this mean- do you mean women don't consider themselves to be in an affair if its an EA or they don't consider their husbands to be in an affair because its an EA?

 

I ask because it seems to me the "E" means a lot to women both those that are BS and OW-do you think that the "E" along with the "P" is what breaks a marriage?

[No Limit]

Actually it's the other way around. Women are more forgiving than men, far more forgiving.

[elaine567]

Hurt

My God, this Dr.Harley is bonkers. He want a betrayed husband to endure the torture and humiliation for 2.5 years?

 

This is such bull **** it makes me wonder why anyone reads his books.

If you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, it specifically says in all of her research marriages are LESS likely to reconcile when women cheat. Her statement is that since women in more cases are emotionally involved and checked out of the marriage before the physical part of the affair starts there is lees likely chance to stay together in the long run. What you read here backs that up.

 

You do not see a lot of threads from men "pining" for their OW and ruining their chances for R ONCE THE SEX STOPS.

bUT we see thread after thread of women breaking NC to go on FB, still be "friends", and missing OM to the point of it ruining their husbands willingness to stay with them even if the initial betrayal could have been forgiven.

 

Men break NC and still keep on the affair IF the sex or chance of it is still there.

 

OK so you are saying women who cheat are half way out the door anyway, so when their marriage fails it is not due to men not being able to forgive, it is due to the woman not invested enough to keep it going.

And men are more likely to be cake eaters.

Makes sense to me.

[carhill]

OK so you are saying women who cheat are half way out the door anyway, so when their marriage fails it is not due to men not being able to forgive, it is due to the woman not invested enough to keep it going.

And men are more likely to be cake eaters.

Makes sense to me.

 

That's a good point and should be delineated. In my sample, the M's that did end up in D did so generally within a period of three to seven years after the affair was disclosed to me and, in some cases, that disclosure was retrospective, meaning the affair had either been going on for some time or was over for varying lengths of time. Hence, if I had to form an opinion, it would be that the women in those instances did not have one foot out the door, or they would have filed for divorce and left nearly immediately, since relationship overlap is pretty common in my demographic and accepted.

 

In two of the cases, the court records showed the H as petitioner, so apparently the H filed for divorce.

[HurtOfGlass]

As someone said here its not accurate to use LS as a base study but it does provide a skewness in what other statistics say.

 

If I only went by the INFIDELITY section, I can even claim men never cheats. Because hardly any cheating man come here to post a thread. But thats not true.

 

But then again, I can say personally that talking and meeting with my exGF broke down my resolve. Its still hard when I imagine that sister's d**k kissing all over her naked body, but still I want to give ourselves a chance to see if we can truly restart the relationship.

 

For women to feel one and only is also an exaggeration to say the reason for divorces. Women also feel the hurt and suffers through the mind movies. But I think the divorce are more likely where man cheats because its sometimes unbearable for them to imagine that while they were keeping the home tidy and dealing with the children and preparing loving meals for their husband, their husbands were cake eating somewhere else.

[Confused48]

I guess if you remove the obvious reasons for holding onto a marriage, finances and children, then it would be a 50/50 gender split re divorce.

 

 

Even this, I disagree. Men too feel trapped by finances. They avoid divorce bc of what they would lose, financially. Same for children, time with their children, sharing the children with a repugnant OM. These are factors that hold men in marriages just like they hold women.

 

(Elaine - I hope you don't think I'm targeting you! I respect your opinions always. Even when we disagree.)

[carhill]

This makes sense because, generally, women in my demographic don't consider EA's to be affairs, at least applicable to themselves.

 

 

What does this mean- do you mean women don't consider themselves to be in an affair if its an EA or they don't consider their husbands to be in an affair because its an EA?

 

I ask because it seems to me the "E" means a lot to women both those that are BS and OW-do you think that the "E" along with the "P" is what breaks a marriage?

 

In general, women in my demographic, based upon MW's I've personally interacted with over about 3.5 decades, don't consider intimacies which don't included genital sex to be affairs, hence the affair disclosures that I've been personally privy to have all included disclosures of sexual relations. That part matched up real well. Some did appear to view emotional intimacies as 'inappropriate' or similar language but I can't recall them ever equating that with an affair. Perhaps, this aligns with the more classic psychology of men forgiving non-sexual indiscretions of their wives versus sexual indiscretions. I can't know for sure.

 

In the one case, where affairs on both sides were disclosed and the couple remains married, it appears they were 'equal', and PA's. In that case, though I can't ever know the precise details, it appears the affairs were disclosed (between the spouses).

 

That brings up another point.... is a man more likely to forgive if his wife discloses her affair versus him discovering it?

[toolforgrowth]

I didn't forgive. My xWW's little brother told me. I told her I knew and that I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. And I meant it.

 

She is my daughter's mother, and I respect that. Other than that, she is essentially no better than anything I would discover on the bottom of my shoe.

 

I don't owe anybody anything...especially my cheating ex wife. She will never be a part of my life again, and that's exactly the way I want it.

[Hardgrind]

I am a BH who is D my STBXW.

 

I could have forgiven her if she took actions that demonstrated remorse.. It is also possible from my side that we could have R and improved the marriage. But I was not willing to rug sweep and stay in a marriage of convenience while her A continued.

 

She was not willing to stop contact with AP.

She was not willing to be open and honest about her communications (she now deletes all emails with AP but claims they are innocent)

She was not willing to give up the apartment that facilitated the affair.

She was not willing to give up friends who supported and encouraged her affair. She wanted HER friends, not friends of our marriage.

 

So I think the actions or lack of actions by the WS and the level of dependence of the BS are more important factors than gender in these situations.

[Woggle]

Not this man.

[drifter777]

Since I almost never look at BW threads I don't have a very good point of reference here. From my perspective, I think women recover more often then men do. Men rugsweep (in general) and let it eat away at their spirit until it finally spills out. Since that can take many, many years we don't really get the chance to follow a BH who posts that he "successfully reconciled" and see how things are a decade or two from now.

 

Women seem to accept cheating easier (in general) because our society seems to encourage the attitude that divorce JUST because he cheated is not a good reason. I mean, ALL men cheat - right? I think this is the reason that many women are able to truly heal and repair their marriage.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

 

Do men forgive (affairs) more easily?

 

Don't want to make this a gender thing but reading this forum I can't help but get the impression that men (myself included) forgive more easily. Even when the affair was a very long one and continues long after DDay, the husbands are more than willing to stick it out.

 

Whereas for women, its almost always kick him out and start divorce proceedings aimed at inflicting the maximum damage to the husbands....

 

 

... Of course, because women have the pussy, and thus they have the power.

 

 

This is crystal clear reality.

[RedRobin]

An experienced marriage counselor that I consulted during my marital troubles has observed that discovery of infidelity by the husband almost always ends in divorce.

 

 

We have enough experiences IRL to indicate that lots of women don't divorce their husbands after D-Day. At least not immediately.

 

 

Socially, women are 'programmed' to kind of go along with the boys will be boys argument.

 

 

Also, I happen to believe that when women do cheat, it is less for fun and excitement, and more because they feel their H's have neglected them... whether that sentiment is real or not is besides the point. They aren't doing it on a lark. So it is more likely the marriage has some significant issues. The men... not so much. Lots of men cheat just for fun and variety, and especially if they think they can get away with it... a lot more than women.

 

 

Me personally... I did try to work things out after my H confessed. That was then... When I discover cheating at any level now... (emotional, physical, or even excessive flirting) I'm out the door. Way too many guys these days have the mistaken notion that women are attracted to men with 'options'. I'm happy to be one more woman proving that notion wrong.

[cocorico]

Don't want to make this a gender thing but reading this forum I can't help but get the impression that men (myself included) forgive more easily. Even when the affair was a very long one and continues long after DDay, the husbands are more than willing to stick it out.

 

Whereas for women, its almost always kick him out and start divorce proceedings aimed at inflicting the maximum damage to the husbands....

 

My experience suggests the opposite.

 

My H's xW's BH kicked her out when he found out about her A. In turn, when she was a BW, she begged her WH not to leave her - and to take her back once he had.

I have several colleagues who have been WS, and others who have been BS, and of the WH I know several who left their BW for the OW, but none whose BW kicked them out or who didn't beg them not to leave. Of the BS, it's been the BH who've been hard line and wanting D.

 

But I guess those are the ones you see, and know about. There may be others where the infidelity happened behind closed doors and no one outside of those directly involved knew anything about it.

[cocorico]

I've already had several PM's from WW's and BH's asking private questions they didn't want to post publicly.

 

Really? Do you have another username then? This one doesn't seem to have PM rights - and at 30-odd posts and less than a month as a member, it wouldn't - unless you signed up as a supporting member.

 

Perhaps you're referring to a different board.

[RedRobin]

... I'll even go further... I believe the likelihood of reconciliation is so rare when a woman cheats... that my advice to the women who have mistakenly confided their affairs to me is to seek an amicable, non confrontational divorce... Sure, I tell them they coped with their lack of happiness in the marriage in a destructive way, but I seriously see zero benefit to the marriage in the women confessing.

 

 

If anything, it leaves them open to physical abuse or worse.

 

 

 

 

The men? different story. I tell them to confess and do more to make their needs known to their wives. I don't observe men doing this... telling their wives their needs. Mostly, they just cheat instead of trying to communicate. Or they cheat for fun. In those cases, yes, I tell them to seek a divorce, that their wife doesn't deserve that behavior. My observation is that most men don't cheat because they are unhappy with their wives though. Although, they might claim to be if it helps them get a piece of *ss or sympathy from a woman they want to weasel into bed.

 

 

You'll never see those men leave their wives. Cake eaters all the way.

[cocorico]

My feeling is that it is the exact opposite of this.

 

A Betrayed wife will take into account the issues surrounding the infidelity and make a decision to keep the marriage running or not.

 

A Betrayed husband will not keep an unfaithful wife if the issue of her having sex with another man is sufficient trauma for him. Even if he tries, he soon abandons hope. This has nothing to do with chauvinism or "growing a set" or "manning up" - phrases I completely detest in LS. It is about how hard an impact ANY sexual intercourse has on a male psyche. It's not sexism, its cultural relativism. This is how men have been raised. And it started early. I know that when I was a teenager, my experiences were called "sexual conquests" and those of my sisters made them "sluts". Anyone who thinks this does not affect gender relations is at best naive.

 

I think it is impossible to use LS as a base study group because of the variables of gender and the abscence of information on the number of people who have decided to move on or recuperate and don't wish to share this with the any community.

 

While I agree in the main I do think that it depends on what really matters to the individual, and what they perceive the threat to be. From what I have noted on LS, the BWs who describe their WH's A as having involved genuine emotions (even love), or generous gifting and other significant investment of resources to the OW, or his having produced a second family with the OW, are those who are most likely to be unable to forgive, since these areas (love, resources, children) seem to present the greatest threat to most BWs' faith in the survival of their Ms. BWs who describe their WH's A as being fleeting, inconsequential, the result of a MLC or some trauma, not involving deep emotional connections, with few of any resources being invested and no offspring produced, are fare more likely to rationalise the A as a "blip" in the bigger scheme of the M, and see potential for reconciliation.

[preraph]

I've never seen a man forgive an affair, and I've seen a million women do it.

[atreides]

First this is all horse sh** about men = cakeeaters and women have some more "nobler" cause as in being checked out because there was a "lack." I call Bull S***! Certainly was not that way with my circles.

 

LS has men wayards here talking about how they can't let go and so on. Moreover, "lack of x,y or z" is not the reason for cheating. It is an internal issue.

 

Finally, reasons for cheating have nothing to do with whether the different sexes choose to forgive or not. Half of this thread is non sequitur.

Moreover, forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

 

There are plenty of men BS here that have and are reconciling with their waywards too, some i have given advise not to in the path they chose to do so. However, as to forgiveness with reconciliation, i think it depends on the BS determination of how bad the "cheating" was. This was discussed in other threads. We all have lines that cannot be crossed and that is what it comes down to. What is the point we cannot forgive and try to reconcile.

[atreides]

I've never seen a man forgive an affair, and I've seen a million women do it.

 

My best friend forgave his wife and reconciled 3 separate times. The 4th he could not go further and divorced her.

 

My co-worker was willing to reconcile with his wife who cheated on him for 6 years. She left in the end with another AP.

 

My gym buddy, he reconciled but she cheated again and he dumped her.

 

However, most men in my circles divorced vs the women as i stated before but in my opinion, what those women did... i would not hesitate to divorce as well.

[MissBee]

I don't have any data on this, but in my own observation there are more women on LS discussing their husbands' affairs than men discussing their wife's affair, which in itself doesn't say all that much except that maybe more women use forums to discuss it than men who do. But in terms of couples I know, I can't really think of any off the top of my head where the woman cheated and was forgiven.

 

In the culture I'm from many women are socially conditioned to believe that men will be men and cheating is simply what a man does so don't stress about it so long as you are "the wife" and the OW knows her place so because of that you see more women who forgive cheating whereas men are taught that it is the ultimate affront to their manhood so way less tolerate if if they know about it (if they don't know that's another story).

 

But there are all kinds of variables and things to consider when it comes on to why forgives and why, perhaps in many cases it is less about gender and more about other commonalities between the people choosing to forgive and the situations.