GorillaTheater Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think she will cheat again. I think once we have a child and she settles down her wild ways will change. It was just a moments infatuation with an alpha male. But she knows that he won't make a good husband or father that's why she chose to be back with me. She says he doesn't care about his kids and he is a liar. She knows she has done wrong and she knows that my love is unconditional . She says this touched her. Total recoil. Can I borrow some money, pal? You're a cool dude and I know you won't mind. I promise I'll pay you back. Really. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I thought the first year of marriage was the honeymoon faze... It was, only it wasn't with her husband... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think she will cheat again. I think once we have a child and she settles down her wild ways will change. It was just a moments infatuation with an alpha male. But she knows that he won't make a good husband or father that's why she chose to be back with me. She says he doesn't care about his kids and he is a liar. She knows she has done wrong and she knows that my love is unconditional . She says this touched her. And so did HE until HE stopped. Unconditional love = unconditional treatment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silveron Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think she will cheat again. I think once we have a child and she settles down her wild ways will change. It was just a moments infatuation with an alpha male. But she knows that he won't make a good husband or father that's why she chose to be back with me. She says he doesn't care about his kids and he is a liar. She knows she has done wrong and she knows that my love is unconditional . She says this touched her. Wow! Really? Honestly you need to grow a set. You need to show confidence, not for her but for yourself! You TOLERATE her behavior so why should she change? She will happily cheat on you again and happily leave your child with you while she parties it up. You are in denial, read up on the 7 stages of grief because that is what you are going through. I didn't read all the pages but I heard about possible BPD? If she has BPD, she is incurable. Run as fast as you can! She will destroy you and with your posts on here you need to becareful that you don't become suicidal. She or any other woman should NOT be your world! You are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt with that mentality. Get out of this marriage as fast as possible and work on your own co-dependency issues. This is a recipe for a total disaster. It sounds like this woman will twist the knife in your back while she's staring in your eyes, laughing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think she will cheat again. I think once we have a child and she settles down her wild ways will change. It was just a moments infatuation with an alpha male. But she knows that he won't make a good husband or father that's why she chose to be back with me. She says he doesn't care about his kids and he is a liar. She knows she has done wrong and she knows that my love is unconditional . She says this touched her. It wasn't a moment. It was a year. You are in severe denial. She is a user and women like her disgust me. She is not sorry for anything. The only reason she came back was because he probably wanted to work it out with his wife. That left her no choice but to go back to her doormat (you) until something better comes along. You need to MAN UP! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 This is who she is. She has shown you what to expect from her = she will cheat but she will also say she isn't/won't. Since this is who she is - you can stay - but just have expectations based on her past actions = she will cheat. Now, if you intend to stay and allow her to cheat - even raising kids with her that most likely aren't yours - then go ahead and stay married to her! But don't stay married to her thinking she's magically become a noncheater overmight. Be realistic! Base your decision on evidence. Evidence shows you she's likely to continue cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I hear what everyone is saying but other people have told me, if you love someone, really love them, wouldn't you give them a second chance? If you really love them you don't cheat on them, move with your lover, and then come back in their life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I hear what everyone is saying but other people have told me, if you love someone, really love them, wouldn't you give them a second chance? If they were trying to trap and use me no I wouldn't. There are relationships that aren't good for us - just like your "marriage". Minor off topic; guys, to all of you who are fathers and read this, prepare your sons. This world is ripe with women ready to use you to get a comfortable life and this thread is a perfect example what the wrong people can do to you and those you love. It doesn't have anything to do with misogyny, it's care, simple as that. I know people have to experience but tell your kids that there are some things that they must never allow others to let them do certain things to them, or all will be lost. And for those guys out there who relate to OPs story... I know rose glasses blind many but with warnings signs as obvious as these, when there is a little worried voice inside you screaming away in a dark corner, don't complain about having lead a life of being cuckolded. You're easy game for certain types of women, and there's plenty of them out there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Minor off topic; guys, to all of you who are fathers and read this, prepare your sons. The issue of OP is he is a typical NiceGuy or NG. He wants to please to anyone around him, not be the bad guy. He thinks he can nice back his wife by giving to her what she wants. He justs need to implement the 180list and read "no more mr nice guy", for help himself. But he won't, because he is used to be walked over for please. He thinks people will stop to love him if he doesn't follow their advice, give a second chance to his wife. He doesn't follow our advices, because he doesn't really care of what we think of him. So if you don't want your sons to end like him, teach them selfrespect, how to set boundaries, and how to stand for them. Teach them to be happy by themself, and not rely on someone else for take care of their happyness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 So if you don't want your sons to end like him, teach them selfrespect, how to set boundaries, and how to stand for them. Teach them to be happy by themself, and not rely on someone else for take care of their happyness. I guess if I had a son who was with a woman as bad as OPs and I had a really bad day I might accidentally drive over her foot and other shenanigans if I had to. Yes I'd suck at being a MIL to certain people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I don't think she will cheat again. I think once we have a child and she settles down her wild ways will change. It was just a moments infatuation with an alpha male. But she knows that he won't make a good husband or father that's why she chose to be back with me. She says he doesn't care about his kids and he is a liar. She knows she has done wrong and she knows that my love is unconditional . She says this touched her. Yes she knows your love is unconditional, this is why she has come back, she knows she can do just about anything she wants and you will take it. This touched her all right wait until she shows you how she is going to touch you. I wish you well, I'm sure she is the perfect wife for you. There is nothing more to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Yes she knows your love is unconditional, this is why she has come back, she knows she can do just about anything she wants and you will take it. This touched her all right wait until she shows you how she is going to touch you. I wish you well, I'm sure she is the perfect wife for you. There is nothing more to say. If this is real you are in for a world of hurt but it is your life. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If this is real you are in for a world of hurt but it is your life. Good luck. The way he wrote it might have been harsh but ultimately, he's right - the user and the one allowing themselves to be blinded and used, that's a perfect relationship. Even if one of those two will be crushed in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
MadJackBird Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Wow! Really? Honestly you need to grow a set. You need to show confidence, not for her but for yourself! You TOLERATE her behavior so why should she change? She will happily cheat on you again and happily leave your child with you while she parties it up. If she has BPD, she is incurable. Run as fast as you can! This +1. I really have to echo everyone else. My former wife has undiagnosed BPD. She is also a serial cheater and had problems with addictions. I did what you tried to do and forgive and move on. Guess what she cheated again. Your wife WILL cheat again, it is like the addictive drug she needs to feel emotionally different. Also don't have a child with her. You have a chance for a clean break now. If you have a child together you will have to live with her emotional BPD behavior forever as you try to co-parent. Co-parenting with a BPD is very difficult. No offense to poster who shared her own struggles with BPD, I appreciate your insight. It is not something you will cure or that meds will cure. My former wife is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, but it will never cure the BPD, it just keeps her other issues in check. There is a reason you are hearing the same thing over and over again in this thread. Really take care of yourself for once and stop trying to FIX her problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jackreacher20144 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Isn't your duty as a husband to help her? How do you co-parent? My guess she will be hands off? Im so confused atm. Edited March 25, 2015 by jackreacher20144 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Jackreacher- I mean no offense by asking you this. But in what Country do you reside? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jackreacher20144 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Jackreacher- I mean no offense by asking you this. But in what Country do you reside? I live in Sacramento, but originally from Michigan. Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I live in Sacramento, but originally from Michigan. Thanks for that info, the reason I asked, is I was curious if part of desired to remain with your BW was based on cultural beliefs. Link to post Share on other sites
MadJackBird Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Isn't your duty as a husband to help her? How do you co-parent? My guess she will be hands off? Im so confused atm. I'm no longer married to my wife. After multiple affairs and constantly picking up the pieces of her continued poor life choices I had to move on. Plus she did leave me for her most recent OM. Just trust me and everyone else and move on with your life. Many of us have lived what you are describing and if we could go back in a time machine would have made different choices for the betterment of ourselves and our children. What I mean by co-parent in that I get my kids only about 50% of the time. She will constantly blame shift, gas light and twist the truth around to make me feel like I'm worthless as a parent. BPD are notorious for that. When you have issues with your kids she will have a way to twist it around to make you feel like you are in the wrong. Heck she already has done that in regards to the affair. Remember it was your fault for not paying enough attention to you. The kid will be a pawn in her emotional self seeking behavior. Just get out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 This +1. I really have to echo everyone else. My former wife has undiagnosed BPD. She is also a serial cheater and had problems with addictions. I did what you tried to do and forgive and move on. Guess what she cheated again. Your wife WILL cheat again, it is like the addictive drug she needs to feel emotionally different. Also don't have a child with her. You have a chance for a clean break now. If you have a child together you will have to live with her emotional BPD behavior forever as you try to co-parent. Co-parenting with a BPD is very difficult. No offense to poster who shared her own struggles with BPD, I appreciate your insight. It is not something you will cure or that meds will cure. My former wife is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, but it will never cure the BPD, it just keeps her other issues in check. There is a reason you are hearing the same thing over and over again in this thread. Really take care of yourself for once and stop trying to FIX her problems. I can appreciate your struggles with your ex-wife. However, the reason I am responding to this post is that BPD is NOT incurable. There are now many therapeutic options to manage BPD and that are highly effective for about 2/3 of patients who receive proper treatment. In my case, I had EMDR therapy, which is the same type of therapy that they give to victims of PTSD. I can honestly say that my perception of the world has gone from night to day. I can function without getting completely flooded. Anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds are not even standard treatment for BPD. You also mentioned she was undiagnosed, that means SHE HAS NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED as having BPD. This is probably your personal theory. Which may or may not be valid. Also, because she hasn't been diagnosed, she is most likely NOT receiving proper treatment for BPD if she has it. The reason I post is that often BPD people find out that they have it, and they have extreme difficulty accepting criticism. (In fact, it feels like physically and emotionally being beaten, at least it DID for me prior to EMDR). Then, they come to forums like this where there is errant information and vilification. That can even make a severe enough BPD person go into a state of rejection and impulsive suicide. So each time I encounter a posting like this, I make sure that I respond. Because there are few that will. Best of luck MadJackBird, I get that your ex-wife's issues have and continue to effect you and your children. Frankly, as time has gone on, I suspect my spouse has BPD as well. For a long time I suspected that I might be "projecting." But there were many other confirming factors. Including the fact that he is also a serial cheat. (I was not). We looked into it a long time ago and he agreed, he's got the traits and the self-destructive behaviours. Our counselor also agreed. However, due to his inability to take responsibility for his own emotional state or accept any fault or criticism, he remains undiagnosed as well. So I have gotten quite the taste of my own medicine that I used to dole out in my youth prior to treatment. I also understand where he is at mentally/emotionally. It's tough. Real tough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Isn't your duty as a husband to help her? No, there's always a line. At some point people have to be able to help themselves, otherwise they're not mature, healthy adults. A spouse is not a replacement of a parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MadJackBird Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you for you insight dreamingoftigers. Yes she is un-diagnosed, and yes I'm not someone that can make that diagnosis, but I've researched it a lot and discussed with people that know a lot about it. The key is they have to accept the issues and want to get better. In the case of my former spouse she has never really been remorseful for anything and continues to blame shift and try to turn things around on other people. Her favorite target is me. Back to OP, if your wife truly has BPD, it will take a lot of effort on her part to get better, look at the steps in dreamingoftigers email and see if she is really truly committed. In your case it does not feel that way. The first step to getting better and more committed is not to bring a baby into the mix at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The funny thing is the title of the thread shall I break up wife cheated 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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