Why is it so hard for men to get off of those meeting sites?

[Gaeta]

, no plans for next date.

 

When I left his place Sunday night he invited me to go see him at his daughter's dancing class on Saturday.

[BluEyeL]

Looking forward to finding out the outcome.

 

Truth is you shouldn't have any "talks" of any kind at this point. You told him you sense something blah blah... That's a bad sign. Not that you did it, but that you felt you had to do it. I feel for you, and I know that every freaking single time when I told a man that "well, something is up blah blah blah", it was the end. Not like next day, but over the next 2-3 weeks definitely.

 

The fact that he even invited you over so early would be a red flag for me. And he came too strong with the 3 dates in 1 week. In my experience, those who rush like that do so because they want to shorten the timeline to sex and then be done with "investing" their "time and money" in you. Like many many men on this board keep saying.

 

I became "exclusive" with the men I've dated pretty early on, in the sense that we both usually said we weren't dating other people, but we didn't take profiles down so fast though. I am 43 not 25, and I still think profile down so early is the least of your worries, other issues are here: change in pattern, inconsistency in setting up dates (is this true, is he inconsistent in setting up the next date?), feeling a "shift". My point is, when things are going well, it becomes less important when the profile is down and usually it does go down in due time, you don't need to worry about it. If it's not going well, other issues will show up before the profile down thing.

[Gaeta]

inconsistency in setting up dates (is this true, is he inconsistent in setting up the next date?)

 

I don't know where people got that. We had 3 dates in 7 days, I would not call that being inconsistent with setting dates.

[BluEyeL]

I don't know where people got that. We had 3 dates in 7 days, I would not call that being inconsistent with setting dates.

If he's consistent with dates, I wouldn't worry about other things so much. But it might be a gut feeling. Looking forward to hearing how it went.

[MissBee]

MissBee: You don't even need to have a profile on POF to know if someone is online. You make a research off line and it shows. Lets say what I do is spot check. I am looking out for myself. I used to be really naive about these things but not anymore. I don't expect him to delete his profile but I expect him to lose interest in logging on there all the time.

 

Pumpkin: To me that's playing games. When I meet a man I like I don't feel like looking at other men so I don't go online. I am not gonna log in just to make him believe I have other options. Just by looking at me men know I have options.

 

I am not missing opportunities. When I put my profile visible again messages will poor in.

 

How often do you check?

 

I'm not saying you should be naive, but I'm not sure constantly checking if someone logs on to their online profile early on in dating is necessarily going to result in you protecting yourself.

 

I've never done it and what happens is with time our relationship deepens and it becomes clear in actions and words they are all in or it fizzles out, no constant online checks necessary as in the real world things clearly either went one way or another and there is some line you have to draw as even if the person never goes online it doesn't mean they are all in either, so all we can do is observe word and actions and how we feel and if we see anything suspicious versus constantly keeping tabs in artificial ways. Checking if someone is online doesn't really give you a definite answer about what's going on or why, which is why I gave myself as an example, and it can just end up with you becoming obsessed with checking and reading into it when it may or may not have any real bearing on how the relationship will really proceed.

 

I think being present with this guy and seeing where things go without your online checks will probably give you a truer feel for where he's at and where things are going, as well as simply asking about deleting profiles, versus just looking in secret and coming to your own conclusions. Maybe I missed it in all the pages, because I only read your initial thread and it seems you've been going out for a week, but if you haven't even been seeing each other for a month I do think the online checks can do more harm than good where instead of actual communication or allowing him with time to stop you're prematurely looking and reading into what it means or doesn't mean when it is still early and could mean lots of things. As a side note, if it's been a week of dating I would not go meet up at his daughter's dance class. That is strange and a red flag to me. In my experience, when men introduce you to their kids too quickly they tend to be impulsive and lack good judgment and come on hard and fast but cannot sustain it. That was my experience with an ex who did that. Initially I thought it was sweet and maybe he did it because he was sure about me, we broke up some months later, he dated others for short stints and they ALL met his kid and I was like wtf...who does that, so I'd think about that aspect a little more than whether or not he logs on.

Edited March 26, 2015 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

I don't check in an obsessive way. Once in a while.

 

Here a story I will share while I wait for his call.

 

A little more than 3 years ago. One of the first man I met online and dated kept his profile online. I didn't feel it was a big deal, back then. He was a nice man, a math teacher, he had introduced me to his son (10) and I was invited to stay over often. I thought one day he will delete his profile.

 

A friend of mine was also online dating at the time. I had showed him my new man's profile and shared with that friend the progression of my new relationship.

 

One day that friend asked me if I had checked my new guy online and if not maybe I should.

 

I found in the dating site forum numerous threads about me. My new man was telling the world about our nights together in details. He had a nickname for me, his night goddess. Along with those thread about me were threads about the other women he was also seeing. Of course with all the details of their encounters.

 

He would also take bets on me. He would bet with the people in the forum if he told me this and that I'd run to him for sex, etc. He told them even the content of my emails.

 

Now I look out for myself.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Gaeta

[MissBee]

I don't check in an obsessive way. Once in a while.

 

Here a story I will share while I wait for his call.

 

A little more than 3 years ago. One of the first man I met online and dated kept his profile online. I didn't feel it was a big deal, back then. He was a nice man, a math teacher, he had introduced me to his son (10) and I was invited to stay over often. I thought one day he will delete his profile.

 

A friend of mine was also online dating at the time. I had showed him my new man's profile and shared with that friend the progression of my new relationship.

 

One day that friend asked me if I had checked my new guy online and if not maybe I should.

 

I found in the dating site forum numerous threads about me. My new man was telling the world about our nights together in details. He had a nickname for me, his night goddess. Along with those thread about me were threads about the other women he was also seeing. Of course with all the details of their encounters.

 

He would also take bets on me. He would bet with the people in the forum if he told me this and that I'd run to him for sex, etc. He told them even the content of my emails.

 

Now I look out for myself.

 

I don't think the take away from that experience is necessarily "always check if their profile is up." This guy probably exhibited all kinds of other red flags and signs you missed that didn't have anything to do with if he was online or not. Which is my overarching point, that sometimes in an effort to protect ourselves we latch on to superficial markers we think will tell us something, like if the person goes online, while missing blaring red flags in their real life words, actions and behaviors. The example here I said was that you should be weary of him having you meet his kid too soon as THAT more than if he is online might be a bigger clue that he is impulsive or lacks good judgment for example.

 

Also, you haven't said anything about what your talks were with this first man what was assumed and so on, there isn't smoke without fire and I'm sure the actual relationship and what you discussed and didn't and so on probably revealed a lot, not just the one act of him being online. So the point is that there is a much bigger picture to dating and what if you didn't meet the guy online? You'd have to go with your regular intuition and observation. Just because that one guy was doing that does not mean that everyone who has a profile up has the same motivation....people reveal who they are in lots of ways and I'm just saying that in overly focusing on his online habits (which do not for sure mean he is like the other guy) might have you missing other red flags. As an example, I've been burned with hot oil before because I left the oil on the stove heating and went to do something. My takeaway for the first few weeks was I'm never frying again or touching a stove...then I got sensible and realized people fry everyday and nothing happens so it's not a matter of now assuming every time you fry this is what happens, protecting myself is paying attention, not walking away when oil is on the stove, things like that, not just going all the way left and thinking okay just never fry anything or becoming so paranoid I'm like if I blink it will catch fire. I think when we've been hurt we can over do it sometimes and become a little irrational....so all I'm saying is, look at him logging on WITHIN REASON and don't simply super impose this old guy on to it and assume all kinds of things based on that....there are a bigger set of data you can draw on like his words, actions, etc that reveal red flags and sometimes we might miss those because we're looking for one specific thing.

[Gaeta]

I have many many disappointing stories and I don't think I am that bitter because of them. I am just cautious. No, him logging in each day may mean nothing. Even when he deletes his profile it may means nothing as it's easy to be on there with no pictures. I understand all that. Judge him as per his actions - I had a great 7 days.

 

It's 22h20 it's obvious he is not going to call. His daughter has been in bed for a long time now.

 

Tomorrow morning I will unhide my profile and start from square one again. Michelle made a comment how I could have met 100+ men and not found a relationship.....well exactly like this dear.

[katiegrl]

You mean he never even called?? Blew you off???? That's just so wrong...

 

If it were me, I would just fall off his radar now, permanently!

 

And if he ever does get around to calling, don't answer. If he texts, don't respond.

 

Men don't pull that crap with me and expect to talk or see me again.

 

Next!!

[katiegrl]

I have many many disappointing stories and I don't think I am that bitter because of them. I am just cautious. No, him logging in each day may mean nothing. Even when he deletes his profile it may means nothing as it's easy to be on there with no pictures. I understand all that. Judge him as per his actions - I had a great 7 days.

 

It's 22h20 it's obvious he is not going to call. His daughter has been in bed for a long time now.

 

Tomorrow morning I will unhide my profile and start from square one again. Michelle made a comment how I could have met 100+ men and not found a relationship.....well exactly like this dear.

 

Gaeta, just wanted to say...I am sorry this didn't work out...

 

((Hugs))

[losangelena]

It's 22h20 it's obvious he is not going to call. His daughter has been in bed for a long time now.

 

LAME.

 

I knew this was going to happen.

 

So effing lame. Gaeta, I'm so sorry. Onto the next.

 

SEE, writergal and I were right from post one about this guy; shoulda next-ed him a week ago.

[katiegrl]

LAME.

 

I knew this was going to happen.

 

So effing lame. Gaeta, I'm so sorry. Onto the next.

 

SEE, writergal and I were right from post one about this guy; shoulda next-ed him a week ago.

 

In retrospect yes. But had she done that, she would always be wondering.... what if.

 

I think she did the right thing ....it had to play out. NOW she knows for sure.

 

Not only is it over..... but the guy whom she "thought" was so awesome, turned out to be a douche with little integrity.

 

She never would have truly known that had she launched him last week.

 

Sometimes you just gotta let things play out to the bitter end. Then you can walk away with head held high knowing you did your part....and you are not left wondering.

 

Again, I am so sorry Gaeta. If there is anything to be learned from this, it's slow the guy down and don't get caught caught up in his fast and furious pursuit. Texting every day, and 3 dates in one week is just too much for just having met.

 

As fast as they come on, they're just as fast to move on.

 

God, you didn't deserve that....

[Otter2569]

One thing to know about POF (and possibly other sites) is that if you do not log out properly, especially from your phone, it appears that you are still logged in.

 

This happened to me and I heard the above from another POF user. I noticed a woman that I chatted up and was interested in always appeared to be on line. Now i'm thinking that she is playing me so I drop off and start looking for other women. Luckily she asked me out and we've been dating exclusively for 11 months now.

 

Early in our relationship she asked why I dropped off and I told her. Her response: she would check in from her phone to see if I was on line and if she had any messages from me but didnt go on that often.

[GemmaUK]

When I left his place Sunday night he invited me to go see him at his daughter's dancing class on Saturday.

 

 

 

It's one thing to be open with his daughter and show her a pic of you but this early on it's quite another to meet her so so soon.

 

 

The above invite would have set off huge alarm bells for me.

 

 

Sounds like him not calling was the best thing that could have happened.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for your support it's greatly needed and appreciated.

 

I logged on my account at 11 pm to put it back on visible and he was online. I don't know why I keep meeting douches. My daughter and my friends are speechless they don't know what to tell me anymore. It's just been one lame jerk after another.

 

Anyway, this morning I have several messages waiting for me. Even a message from someone I briefly dated 2-3 years ago, I am surprised to see him there.

 

Gemma: I was not going to meet his daughter, I would not have agreed to that. I was gonna go meet him at the building then we would have gone eat somewhere while she was at her dancing class.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Gaeta

[BluEyeL]

Thank you all for your support it's greatly needed and appreciated.

 

I logged on my account at 11 pm to put it back on visible and he was online. I don't know why I keep meeting douches. My daughter and my friends are speechless they don't know what to tell me anymore. It's just been one lame jerk after another. .

 

Like I said before, I know you don't want to accept it, but you must be doing something wrong. In a nutshell, you are trying to date men who don't want to date you, it's not that they're all douches, it's that most of them end up not being into you.

 

Dating is effing hard anyway, especially for women over 40, and even harder over 50 (I know you're 49), but there is something you're doing that makes it 100 times harder for yourself. Before you accept that, nothing will ever change. You could go another 3 or 5 years this way.

 

I know you are going to start being defensive and denying, but I think it's unproductive. I am not trying to slam you, just convince you to look at what you do, with as much honesty as you can muster, so you can improve your chances of finding love. Finding men who want to date you as opposed to those you want to date but they won't have you for more than a short period of time.

[Gaeta]

Like I said before, I know you don't want to accept it, but you must be doing something wrong. In a nutshell, you are trying to date men who don't want to date you, it's not that they're all douches, it's that most of them end up not being into you.

 

Dating is effing hard anyway, especially for women over 40, and even harder over 50 (I know you're 49), but there is something you're doing that makes it 100 times harder for yourself. Before you accept that, nothing will ever change. You could go another 3 or 5 years this way.

 

I know you are going to start being defensive and denying, but I think it's unproductive. I am not trying to slam you, just convince you to look at what you do, with as much honesty as you can muster, so you can improve your chances of finding love. Finding men who want to date you as opposed to those you want to date but they won't have you for more than a short period of time.

 

I don't know what I am doing wrong! I have been open to change everything people have pointed out over the years/months. I was told I date too young I changed that. I was told I am not selective enough I changed that. I was told I jump to bed too fast I changed that.

 

Some of these men I dated I remained friends with and I ask them what do I do wrong? And they all say I don't do anything wrong I am beautiful and kind and I will find. Small consolation.

[Diezel]

My daughter and my friends are speechless they don't know what to tell me anymore.

 

They probably want to tell you the same thing that some of us have: Take a break.

 

You are only going to get more and more soured as you continue to do this.

[Gaeta]

Diezel: I am coming back from a 4 month break.

[katiegrl]

I don't know what I am doing wrong! I have been open to change everything people have pointed out over the years/months. I was told I date too young I changed that. I was told I am not selective enough I changed that. I was told I jump to bed too fast I changed that.

 

Some of these men I dated I remained friends with and I ask them what do I do wrong? And they all say I don't do anything wrong I am beautiful and kind and I will find. Small consolation.

 

Gaeta those are external things. Look WITHIN.

 

100+ guys is a lot of guys. And they are not losing interest because you had sex "too soon" or "too early" .... as evidenced here. With this guy, he lost interest before sex ever even happened.... so it's something else.

 

As far as the men saying you didn't do anything "wrong," .... well I wouldn't put much stock into that. They lost interest... so clearly "something" was wrong whether they wish to disclose what that "something" was (is) or not.

 

If it were just a few guys, I might suggest it's the guys you are choosing -- commitmentphobes, and the like. But it's not just a few, it's 100+.

 

Look within....

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I was told I date too young I changed that. I was told I am not selective enough I changed that. I was told I jump to bed too fast I changed that. .

 

You are simply changing technicalities, which won't really do too much.

 

You need to change yourself.

 

Just the few interactions reading posts you've made, you seem a bit like an vibrant spitfire (NOT A BAD THING, most of my girlfriends are like you) but are you this way with men in the beginning?

 

My post about the doctor...we had only been dating three months and he was sick, and you were the only one who told me to run over there and make him shepherd's pie, cook for him, help him. (Everyone else said he's a big boy and can take care of himself, not to be his caretaker, men don't like to show signs of weakness or simply ask him if he needs anything.)

 

In the beginning, pull back the reigns, slow down, take a deep breath and not always be so readily available. Three dates in seven days? Did you say NO once?

 

And keep your profile active and control your enthusiasm if you've found a connection. Manage your expectations, in other words.

[rester]

He just replied to my text:

'There is something I wanted to talk about, I will call you this afternoon'

What did I say! when we feel a shift it's rarely in our imagination.

 

He is calling at 9h so in 15 mins we will be set.

 

It's 22h20 it's obvious he is not going to call. His daughter has been in bed for a long time now.

 

I was truly rooting for this to have a better outcome. I have a hard time putting myself in this guy's shoes because I would only be saying the things he was saying if I were interested in someone, and it was almost like he was saying too much.

 

I just don't understand why someone would make so much contact for only a week or two and then completely change gears, and I especially don't understand blowing off a phone call like that. Sorry this didn't work out.

[edgygirl]

I understand your point but not sure I agree. It's a cruel world dating these days.

 

I also had over a 100 dates... a few short relationships in between. My relationships usually don't work and I am not sure why. I think I have not met the right person.

 

What are the things to look within? I am pretty self aware and I think I'm fair, interesting, look nice, warm, loving...

 

Again, I am not sure that if we can't find someone the problem is within us. Is it, always?

 

Gaeta those are external things. Look WITHIN.

 

100+ guys is a lot of guys. And they are not losing interest because you had sex "too soon" or "too early" .... as evidenced here. With this guy, he lost interest before sex ever even happened.... so it's something else.

 

As far as the men saying you didn't do anything "wrong," .... well I wouldn't put much stock into that. They lost interest... so clearly "something" was wrong whether they wish to disclose what that "something" was (is) or not.

 

If it were just a few guys, I might suggest it's the guys you are choosing -- commitmentphobes, and the like. But it's not just a few, it's 100+.

 

Look within....

[BluEyeL]

You need a lot of luck too. But the problem I see is that we can't control anything else other than ourselves. It's not that we should blame ourselves, but we have no control over others. If everyone is a douche, why are we attracting and choosing only douches?

 

Of course, all dating advice is only as good as the person giving it, as it is heavily filtered through their personal experience. So mine is colored by my experience. If you look at my thread history, I started dating January of 2013 and I sucked so much at it! I approached it as a project, sort of self-development project. How can I do better? What can I change to be more succesful? I kept making changes and observing how it affected the outcome. Changed pictures online, changed my narrative, changed my attitude, changed the type of men I was dating, changed my expectations etc. I really think haven't I done all that, I wouldn't be with my guy now.

 

But of course, other random things, that have to have to do with luck played a part too. So I don't know, I'm just saying that it could definitely be bad luck, but what if we could make some changes and it leads to things finally working out? Wouldn't it be worth it?

[Gaeta]

A lot of people do online dating and find relationships right away but what kind of relationship? If I wanted to be in a relationship at all cost I'd be in one. I want the right relationship and with the right man. My best friend has been in a relationship for a year and moving in that guy next month. She met him online. I would not touch that man with a 6 foot pole. She puts up with a lot of crap to be in a relationship. I am willing to wait for the right man, I am wiling to meet another 100 if I must, but at the end I will be with a man because I want to be with him, not because I want to be in a relationship.