Why is it so hard for men to get off of those meeting sites?

[BluEyeL]

A lot of people do online dating and find relationships right away but what kind of relationship? If I wanted to be in a relationship at all cost I'd be in one. I want the right relationship and with the right man. My best friend has been in a relationship for a year and moving in that guy next month. She met him online. I would not touch that man with a 6 foot pole. She puts up with a lot of crap to be in a relationship. I am willing to wait for the right man, I am wiling to meet another 100 if I must, but at the end I will be with a man because I want to be with him, not because I want to be in a relationship.

 

Well,I'm sure that's true for your friend, but it doesn't mean everyone who is in a relationship is putting up with a lot of crap.

 

I have a friend who found her BF on match within TWO WEEKS of signing up! Two weeks!! How frustrating for me at that time, but then I've been dating one year and I was tired of it! I wouldn't date her BF. He's a good guy. But: He's very religious, I'm not. He's a runner, I'm not, give me a break with the running. They run together. He was very recently divorced at the time. His ex wife is still heavily in his life etc etc etc. I met him and I didn't much like him. He wouldn't be a match for me. She told me, when she met him "sorry I got him first". I said, don't apologize, he wasn't mine. But guess what, the two of them match and they've been dating for one year and a half now and talking marriage.

 

Same with my BF. Other women would definitely not want him. But I do. He's a match for me. Everyone has to find a match for themselves, not someone who is a match for their friend, of course.

 

There are good relationships, you don't always have to put up with crap. Choosing right is paramount, of course, and that's a huge part of it all.

[Gaeta]

I did not mean all relationships are crap lol, just that I want a good man and a good relationship. I know many couples that have met online and have happy relationships.

 

Concerning this guy here, the fact he didn't call after saying he would, the fact he did not explain himself after saying he wanted to talk, the fact he just moved on without a word, indicates he lacks integrity therefore not the kind of man I want.

 

I have never faded away. It's not hard to tell someone sorry I don't feel it strongly enough to pursue or sorry I was also seeing someone else and she is a better match for me.

 

I have my flaws but I do my best to do my dating with integrity.

[BluEyeL]

I did not mean all relationships are crap lol, just that I want a good man and a good relationship. I know many couples that have met online and have happy relationships.

 

Concerning this guy here, the fact he didn't call after saying he would, the fact he did not explain himself after saying he wanted to talk, the fact he just moved on without a word, indicates he lacks integrity therefore not the kind of man I want.

 

I have never faded away. It's not hard to tell someone sorry I don't feel it strongly enough to pursue or sorry I was also seeing someone else and she is a better match for me.

 

I have my flaws but I do my best to do my dating with integrity.

Ah definitely this guy is not R material. Clearly.

[katiegrl]

A lot of people do online dating and find relationships right away but what kind of relationship? If I wanted to be in a relationship at all cost I'd be in one. I want the right relationship and with the right man. My best friend has been in a relationship for a year and moving in that guy next month. She met him online. I would not touch that man with a 6 foot pole. She puts up with a lot of crap to be in a relationship. I am willing to wait for the right man, I am wiling to meet another 100 if I must, but at the end I will be with a man because I want to be with him, not because I want to be in a relationship.

 

I think Pumpkin Lumpkin gave you some excellent advice. I echo that advice and when dating, I have behaved the same...and was very rarely, if ever, rejected. Most men wanted to pursue a relationship with me, and believe it or not I have NEVER had a man break up with me!

 

For me behaving that way was not (is not) a game, I am somewhat of a free spirit so it all comes naturally for me. Maybe I am lucky that way....I find it extremely easy to take it "one day at a time," and go with the flow.

 

I am NOT at all concerned with the OUTCOME....and I mean that. I take it one day at a time and simply enjoy the process...as we go along.

 

My attitude was always, and still is, if I get hurt, no worries I WILL get over it!! And learn a few lessons while I'm at it!

 

If I feel comfortable having sex early, I do just that. I have no expectations. Afterwards, I behave just as I did before the sex, taking it one day at a time.

 

I give men ALOT of space and I often keep them guessing without even realizing it!! Again, it's not a game, it's my natural personality.

 

Anyway, as a result of all this, most, if not all, the men I have met have been intrigued by me and my attitude and want to learn more about me. Keeps them coming back for more, as opposed to pushing them away..

 

I have to admit, I was shocked when I joined this board and learned how many women just don't get it (I don't mean you Gaeta, you are one of the SMART ones... They call too much, they text too much, they chase too much.

 

For the love of all things beautiful ladies, leave the guy ALONE for heaven's sake! Let him come to you.

 

Once you are exclusive, THEN you can start initiating, but still NOT more than him.

 

IDK Gaeta, you are so beautiful and smart, one of my favorite posters! Perhaps it *is* just bad luck....

 

Anyway, head high and keep the spirits up! And good luck going forward!

[GemmaUK]

I think Pumpkin Lumpkin gave you some excellent advice. I echo that advice and when dating, I have behaved the same...and was very rarely, if ever, rejected. Most men wanted to pursue a relationship with me, and believe it or not I have NEVER had a man break up with me!

 

For me behaving that way was not (is not) a game, I am somewhat of a free spirit so it all comes naturally for me. Maybe I am lucky that way....I find it extremely easy to take it "one day at a time," and go with the flow.

 

I am NOT at all concerned with the OUTCOME....and I mean that. I take it one day at a time and simply enjoy the process...as we go along.

 

My attitude was always, and still is, if I get hurt, no worries I WILL get over it!! And learn a few lessons while I'm at it!

 

If I feel comfortable having sex early, I do just that. I have no expectations. Afterwards, I behave just as I did before the sex, taking it one day at a time.

 

I give men ALOT of space and I often keep them guessing without even realizing it!! Again, it's not a game, it's my natural personality.

 

Anyway, as a result of all this, most, if not all, the men I have met have been intrigued by me and my attitude and want to learn more about me. Keeps them coming back for more, as opposed to pushing them away..

 

I have to admit, I was shocked when I joined this board and learned how many women just don't get it (I don't mean you Gaeta, you are one of the SMART ones... They call too much, they text too much, they chase too much.

 

For the love of all things beautiful ladies, leave the guy ALONE for heaven's sake! Let him come to you.

 

Once you are exclusive, THEN you can start initiating, but still NOT more than him.

 

IDK Gaeta, you are so beautiful and smart, one of my favorite posters! Perhaps it *is* just bad luck....

 

Anyway, head high and keep the spirits up! And good luck going forward!

 

 

Katie, you have just described me!

Every single thing you said here is how I go about dating too but for me also it's natural and not any game playing.

 

 

Looking back over this thread there are three things I wouldn't have done just because naturally they are not my style.

I wouldn't have had three dates within seven days and I also wouldn't have visited his house so soon.

I wouldn't have let him pay for each date. I would have split the cost from the first meet. If I had met him again within those seven days I may have let him pay for say, the meal (if we had gone for dinner) and I would have paid for the drinks.

 

 

I value my time and my 'me' time so the most I would invest in a man after first meeting would be maximum one other meet/date within a week and for me that would be a lot. Also, I need time to process and observe in between dates to see how he is behaving.

 

 

Men have told me I intrigue them and that they want to know more about me. Most of the men I have dated/had relationships with have said that I don't behave the same way other women they have met do (which I think is just a line to be honest). I take it as a compliment. I also watch for how many compliments a man gives me. They are not a natural conversation topic so the less the better.

 

 

Anyone who has read past posts of mine will likely know I made an epically bad last dating choice and I know why I did. I wasn't in the greatest place at the time and a charmer came along who at first was mostly considerate and caring. It was only later I realised he was mostly considerate and caring toward himself. It's a mistake I hadn't made before and my radar was off because a couple of things in my life were off.

The result was I was too emotionally generous. It was a one off mistake which I should have got out of at the first sign. We all make mistakes though and it has taught me a hell of a lot!

[Gaeta]

 

IDK Gaeta, you are so beautiful and smart, one of my favorite posters! Perhaps it *is* just bad luck....

 

Anyway, head high and keep the spirits up! And good luck going forward!

 

mmwwwaahhh !! xox

[Gaeta]

We met on a Monday evening. The following date was the next Friday evening so that's 5 days which is reasonable. Then Sunday night we went to a movie, yes it's just 2 days later but the thinking behind it was he was getting his daughter for 8 days so why not do something before that long run without seeing each other.

 

I was very disappointed at the time but I was ok the following morning. I am already working on my next prospect, I have a date tomorrow.

 

My plan this time is to do as I wish and not follow any preset rules.

[Kamille]

Katie, you have just described me!

Every single thing you said here is how I go about dating too but for me also it's natural and not any game playing.

 

 

So you would describe yourself as someone who goes with the flow, enjoys the moment and doesn't worry about outcomes?

 

I'm asking because I rather feel that you are focused on outcomes and therefore you seem to be consistently evaluating your date's actions, be it in this or other threads.

[Gaeta]

oops question was not addressed to me

[GemmaUK]

So you would describe yourself as someone who goes with the flow, enjoys the moment and doesn't worry about outcomes?

 

I'm asking because I rather feel that you are focused on outcomes and therefore you seem to be consistently evaluating your date's actions, be it in this or other threads.

 

 

I don't concern myself over is this 'the one' or 'will this last'. I have always aside from that one time just taken things day to day. In fact I did try taking that day to day but his plans for me made it impossible not to see a bad outcome for myself.

 

 

The things I do look out for is not being happy and a man not adding to my life but instead draining it either currently or based on his actions how things could pan out in the future.

I will not brush my instincts under the rug again.

[Kamille]

I don't concern myself over is this 'the one' or 'will this last'. I have always aside from that one time just taken things day to day. In fact I did try taking that day to day but his plans for me made it impossible not to see a bad outcome for myself.

 

 

The things I do look out for is not being happy and a man not adding to my life but instead draining it either currently or based on his actions how things could pan out in the future.

I will not brush my instincts under the rug again.

 

 

Apologies! I actually thought Gaeta had said she approached dating like Katie. I actually don't know much about your love life Gemma.

 

Gaeta, do you feel you approach dating while being in the moment and without concerns for the outcome?

[Redhead14]

This man has everything on my list of wishes (so far). In my mind I wanted to meet a man that was funny, stable, attentive, considerate, articulate, interesting, fit and handsome and I met him!!

 

He contacts me on daily basis, he takes interest in my day, he remembers everything I say. We had 3 dates in the past 7 days. He kept his hands to himself, he insisted on paying each time. He offers his help when he sees a need. He makes short terms plans with me.

 

On our last date he asked: So, are we like seeing each other? To me it sounded like he was confirming we are dating, what do you think?

 

He even told his 10 yo daughter about me and showed her my pictures and asked her if she'd be ok with meeting me one day.

 

Where is the catch? He is online on daily basis. Last night we went to a movie, he invited me over to his place after, I left at midnight. Sure enough this morning it says he's been online 'today'.

 

If they won't get off the dating sites, the number 1 reason is, they don't want to yet.

[Gaeta]

Apologies! I actually thought Gaeta had said she approached dating like Katie. I actually don't know much about your love life Gemma.

 

Gaeta, do you feel you approach dating while being in the moment and without concerns for the outcome?

 

I am not new to online dating. I have been doing it for at least 3 years now. I had many hit and miss so it's hard now to 'go with the flow' and invest 3 months into a man without thinking is this going somewhere or am I wasting my time again.

 

My style of dating has changed a great deal because of it. I now think 4-5 dates is enough to lock someone into exclusivity.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

I am not new to online dating. I have been doing it for at least 3 years now. I had many hit and miss so it's hard now to 'go with the flow' and invest 3 months into a man without thinking is this going somewhere or am I wasting my time again.

 

My style of dating has changed a great deal because of it. I now think 4-5 dates is enough to lock someone into exclusivity.

 

Gaeta ...I just have to ask. So you date a guy for three months, have some great times (I would presume since you are continuing to date him) .... but for what ever reason it doesn't work out.

 

How was that a "waste of your time"? You enjoyed yourself, had some great times, hopefully some good sex ....and also hopefully learned a little more about yourself and relationships in the process.

 

I just don't understand your line of thinking there. That's what I meant by being too attached to the outcome.

 

Most of us are seeking a long term committed relationship, and " hope" for that... but being to too "attached" to that desire (the outcome) takes away from simply allowing yourself to enjoy the process!

 

Men can "sense" that "attachment" in you too, and from what I know about men, it's a huge turn off....

[katiegrl]

Gaeta ...I just have to ask. So you date a guy for three months, have some great times (I would presume since you are continuing to date him) .... but for what ever reason it doesn't work out.

 

How was that a "waste of your time"? You enjoyed yourself, had some great times, hopefully some good sex ....and also hopefully learned a little more about yourself and relationships in the process.

 

I just don't understand your line of thinking there. That's what I meant by being too attached to the outcome.

 

Most of us are seeking a long term committed relationship, and " hope" for that... but being to too "attached" to that desire (the outcome) takes away from simply allowing yourself to enjoy the process!

 

Men can "sense" that "attachment" in you too, and from what I know about men, it's a huge turn off....

 

^^Relax and enjoy! Have fun! Don't get hung up on "where it's going."

 

With that attitide, you have a much better chance of that actually happening (an exclusive commtted relationship) than you would by being too focused on where it's going (the outcome).

 

Speaking from experience here...

[Gaeta]

I don't know Katie. I will be turning 50 in October. One day I will wake up and not be sexy and pretty anymore. I also want to find someone to grow old with. For the past 10 years I was always the single girl at parties, xmas, vacations, birthdays and all. 10 years of going to bed alone. 10 years of 'how come you're still single' and 'I don't understand a woman like you can't find'. It sucks for 2-3 years imagine 10 of those.

 

Also all other facets of my life are fulfilled. I got a great family, devoted friends, an amazing kid, a dream job. I am just lacking fulfillment in the love department.

[katiegrl]

I don't know Katie. I will be turning 50 in October. One day I will wake up and not be sexy and pretty anymore. I also want to find someone to grow old with. For the past 10 years I was always the single girl at parties, xmas, vacations, birthdays and all. 10 years of going to bed alone. 10 years of 'how come you're still single' and 'I don't understand a woman like you can't find'. It sucks for 2-3 years imagine 10 of those.

 

Also all other facets of my life are fulfilled. I got a great family, devoted friends, an amazing kid, a dream job. I am just lacking fulfillment in the love department.

 

I understand that Gaeta ...however what I don't think you're getting is that your attitude and how you go about pursuing that goal is actually "preventing* you from achieving that goal!

 

I mean it's been ten years and 10O+ guys just in the last three years. Time for a change in attitude and behavior don't you think? Obviously it's just not working for ya... wouldn't you agree?

 

Life is about learning, growing, evolving. Not remaining stuck on attitudes and behaviors that work against you and again are preventing you from achieving the desired goal.

 

Agree? Disagree?

[BluEyeL]

Truer words than what Katie has said have never been spoken! That's spot on!

[BluEyeL]

I'll come with a different spin on this that many people mock but has worked in my life over and over and over again and this is why I believe in it.

 

In a nutshell, negative thoughts, worrying, feeling sorry for ourselves, prevent us from getting and enjoying the life we want. Conversely, you can think your life partner into existence.

 

When the law of attraction talk became mainstream, the reason I believed in it is because I was shocked how much it matched my life.

 

When I was 16, i was almost failing Math and one night in the summer I just sat up, no sleep, and decided that I will become the best in Math in my class. And when the school year rolled around, I did. I became a star in that area, well known as the biggest math nerd.

 

I didn't have any friends or boy attention in high school because I was telling myself that nobody likes me and it became true.

 

When I graduated high school, I told myself that as soon as I go to college I will get a boyfriend. And I did get one within 3 months of getting to college. I married him.

 

I was daydreaming about moving from Eastern Europe to California (not just the US). Out of the blue, an opportunity to move to California for grad school showed up.

 

After marrying my ex-husband, after a few years, I started to fear that he'll leave me. And he did.

 

I was always taking lunch breaks, in graduate school, and daydreaming about things I wanted (for career in general). They all came true. I visualized for years and years and I've never heard before of "visualization" or "law of attraction". Whatever I thought about came true. whatever i feared, came true too.

 

I visualized my job.

 

And, finally, I thought into existence my current boyfriend. I was starting my day saying "I look good, men like me, I'm successful in dating" then in the afternoon I would take 15 minutes to visualize a loving relationship. When things didn't work out with someone, I'd think that's fine, he is probably not "it", the one is on his way.

 

You can think dating sucks, men suck and everything bad and it will be true. For you. Not for anyone else. I suggest you read some books by Wayne Dyer to start with and try to change your thinking. Nothing to lose.

[Gaeta]

I was told:

 

*I am hard to read

*I give the vibe I don't need anyone

*I am too rational

*I am intimidating

 

and

 

* I am funny and bubbly, flirty

* Understanding

* Grounded

* Kind

* Patient

* loving

 

So, it depends who I am dating. Some men see me a certain way other men a different way. I think it all depends where the man is coming from.

 

Example if I date a younger man he will find my independence and strength very sexy. If I date a man my age or older he will feel threaten by it. I am the same person but viewed differently.

 

It cannot be only me, it's me + the man I am dating and how he perceives me.

[katiegrl]

I'll come with a different spin on this that many people mock but has worked in my life over and over and over again and this is why I believe in it.

 

In a nutshell, negative thoughts, worrying, feeling sorry for ourselves, prevent us from getting and enjoying the life we want. Conversely, you can think your life partner into existence.

 

When the law of attraction talk became mainstream, the reason I believed in it is because I was shocked how much it matched my life.

 

When I was 16, i was almost failing Math and one night in the summer I just sat up, no sleep, and decided that I will become the best in Math in my class. And when the school year rolled around, I did. I became a star in that area, well known as the biggest math nerd.

 

I didn't have any friends or boy attention in high school because I was telling myself that nobody likes me and it became true.

 

When I graduated high school, I told myself that as soon as I go to college I will get a boyfriend. And I did get one within 3 months of getting to college. I married him.

 

I was daydreaming about moving from Eastern Europe to California (not just the US). Out of the blue, an opportunity to move to California for grad school showed up.

 

After marrying my ex-husband, after a few years, I started to fear that he'll leave me. And he did.

 

I was always taking lunch breaks, in graduate school, and daydreaming about things I wanted (for career in general). They all came true. I visualized for years and years and I've never heard before of "visualization" or "law of attraction". Whatever I thought about came true. whatever i feared, came true too.

 

I visualized my job.

 

And, finally, I thought into existence my current boyfriend. I was starting my day saying "I look good, men like me, I'm successful in dating" then in the afternoon I would take 15 minutes to visualize a loving relationship. When things didn't work out with someone, I'd think that's fine, he is probably not "it", the one is on his way.

 

You can think dating sucks, men suck and everything bad and it will be true. For you. Not for anyone else. I suggest you read some books by Wayne Dyer to start with and try to change your thinking. Nothing to lose.

 

^^I'm not gonna mock your *spin* BluEye....just the opposite... I am a strong advocate!

 

Mind over matter...the power of positive thinking!!!

 

It's proven true in my life as well....but for it to be really effective, one has to TRULY believe it. It can't be faked, and for some people, especially those who continually get knocked down, remaining positive is difficult.

 

It's a viscious cycle....getting knocked down facilitates the negativity -- which in turn (the negativity) facilitates getting knocked down!

 

It's hard to overcome that sometimes....I get that.

 

But great post! Something else to ponder.

Edited March 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[BluEyeL]

It's true, negative experiences undermine your efforts to stay positive. It's a process, changing your way of thinking. It cannot happen overnight. It is true that i've always been an optimist and that helped a lot. Also tge biggest criticism of positivism is that it can become pressure. Oh, it's my fault, I'm always negative, nothing will work for me and it's my fault... and so on.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

 

My plan this time is to do as I wish and not follow any preset rules.

 

No. Don't do this.

 

You want to mirror the guy's actions, then stay one notch below that. Don't talk more than he, don't reveal more than he, do not ask him out at least for the first six dates. Anything more is a huge turnoff.

 

If he says, "I'd like you to meet my daughter," do not turn red and gloat and become overly emotional. Do not say yes and do not say No. Say "That sounds sweet, but let me think about it."

 

If he says, "Come over to my place," you say "That sounds fun, but let me think about it."

 

And then you really do think about it for a day, get back to him and offer something else. YOU HAVE TO BUILD TENSION AND MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Low low low expectations.

 

When you finally have some pull, meaning he's grown to like you, seen you in various outfits, seen how you react to certain situations, your mannerisms (and you've seen his), then you can let go with the bat-***** crazy emotions!!

[Gaeta]

Pumpkin: OMG where do you get that sh!.t !!!?? lol. I must ask what country are you from? Russian background maybe? You sound like my ex-sister in law (Russian) - if you want a man to like you then spit on him - type of philosophy.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

It's called managing your emotions.