Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I am sure you remember my strong negative position on 'mirroring' What you are suggesting is at the completely opposite end of who I am. I would have to change my personality and demeanor to pretend to be someone I am not. My emotions are fine. I am a tough cookie and I can take the punches. The last dude is completely forgotten already and I am working on my next victim. I know in your case you are afraid of getting hurt and you do these games to protect yourself. I am not afraid of getting hurt, really, I did not even once think this guy may hurt my feelings, I was more worried about him wasting my time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 No. Don't do this. You want to mirror the guy's actions, then stay one notch below that. Don't talk more than he, don't reveal more than he, do not ask him out at least for the first six dates. Anything more is a huge turnoff. If he says, "I'd like you to meet my daughter," do not turn red and gloat and become overly emotional. Do not say yes and do not say No. Say "That sounds sweet, but let me think about it." If he says, "Come over to my place," you say "That sounds fun, but let me think about it." And then you really do think about it for a day, get back to him and offer something else. YOU HAVE TO BUILD TENSION AND MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Low low low expectations. When you finally have some pull, meaning he's grown to like you, seen you in various outfits, seen how you react to certain situations, your mannerisms (and you've seen his), then you can let go with the bat-***** crazy emotions!! Oh boy... Although I'm not disagreeing with everything you're saying, there is a lot of this that is concerning and reminds of a book I read called "French Women Don't Sleep Alone". It was a HORRIBLE read and pretty much promoted the whole notion that women had to basically play games with men to keep them interested, remain aloof and mysterious at all times even AFTER they manage to snag a man as a partner. It was a ridiculous philosophy particularly long term. I'm all for being a bit of a mystery and keeping one's cards close to your chest during the initial getting-to-know-each-other phase but there is a limit to how much and for how long a woman needs to do this before it feels overly contrived not to mention unnatural. Gaeta, you've got this 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 What Pumpkin said is good and true. I decided now not to give any more advice on forums. If you see me do that again, slap me. I really don't understand how therapists can do their job. Must be very frustrating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I agree with Pumpkin's advice. It's recognizing when too much is too soon, and having a reasonable response. "Sounds fun. Let me think about that." Time. It takes time to know if his words and excitement are simply words and excitement, or if there is any substance behind them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 * He asked me to go to his place on 1st date: I refused * He asked me to come over late: I refused * He had wondering hands on our 2nd date: I asked him to behave * He spoke about going on a trip this summer: I said lets see how this unfolds first * He told his daughter about me and I replied: No more than that, it's too fast for a little kid. * He never offered to meet her and I would have 100% refused. Yes he went fast but I blocked him at every turn I was not in agreement with him. I did not embark with him in his fantasy. I am not a little girl to let a man lead me where I don't want to go. I am open to advice BUT I will not go along with advice that is coming out of a book written in 1947. I am not going to follow advice that is about playing games. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It sounds like you followed the advice! It's not game playing, just good judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 It sounds like you followed the advice! It's not game playing, just good judgment. I don't understand why I am reading that I don't follow advices. I did not go along with any of his plans that seemed too rushed. I did put the breaks on, I did refuse offers that seemed to much too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It is not a philosophy. It's basic psychology. As women we tend to be more emotional than men and I guarantee whatever guy you date, you will be more emotional. That is not attractive to most men especially in the beginning. Your posts are highly animated and overly analyzing. If you manage your emotions and expectations, I believe you will fair much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 It is not a philosophy. It's basic psychology. As women we tend to be more emotional than men and I guarantee whatever guy you date, you will be more emotional. That is not attractive to most men especially in the beginning. Your posts are highly animated and overly analyzing. If you manage your emotions and expectations, I believe you will fair much better. I am very rational, I work in numbers and finance, I analyze all day. I over analyze because it's a second nature in me. I do not necessarily over-analyze because my feelings are involved, it's my brain working, not my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Ive went through something like this recently in the past, and it caused me great issue. It will bother you if you keep looking; what I did eventually is tell him I knew it was there and he deleted it immediatly. Still didnt help with trust issues but at least he tried by doing this action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Now that I think of it, in all of my threads, I don't think I have ever said I was heart-broken or hurt. The last time I talked about being hurt was February 2014 when the douche left me after 6 months to follow his dream. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Now that I think of it, in all of my threads, I don't think I have ever said I was heart-broken or hurt. The last time I talked about being hurt was February 2014 when the douche left me after 6 months to follow his dream. Good. So you know you there is no major consequence to things not working out. How did you feel over the last week, however? Did you feel serene? Calm? Centered? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 How did you feel over the last week, however? Did you feel serene? Calm? Centered? I felt disappointed as in 'there we go again, another flake'. A little stupid too for thinking this one will be different. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I felt disappointed as in 'there we go again, another flake'. A little stupid too for thinking this one will be different. Gaeta, looking at your reply here and because I know how many dates you have been on. Have you ever heard of Paul Ekman and his work on micro expressions? I'm not trying to be funny here at all but I wonder whether contempt shows upon your lips when on a date? It's fleeting but can easily be read. Look up Paul Ekman and you will get what I mean. The same as a third date for instance where he has in between times peed you off and you greet him with a smile and then followed or fronted it with pursed lips. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yes I know of his work and find it very interesting. This afternoon I asked nurse, we get news once in a while, and I asked him what vibe I was giving out when we met and he said upbeat, bubbly, confident, flirty, good eye contact and to not worry I don't do anything wrong I just have not come across the good one. If there were something he would tell me. I happen to be going out right now for a friendly visit with immigration guy (nothing going on we just remained friends). I will ask him. He will tell me. Concerning this latest man I did pick up a few facial expression but he had told me right from the beginning he was a very insecure man so I put the little cues I saw here and there on his insecurities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The only thing you did wrong was jump ahead in your mind to the point that you're concerning yourself with his OLD presence after 7 days. At 7 days in, there's excitement and hope, but a whole lot of wait-n-see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Concerning this latest man I did pick up a few facial expression but he had told me right from the beginning he was a very insecure man so I put the little cues I saw here and there on his insecurities. This is where it all kind of boils down for me—he's insecure, and he's sounded insecure from all of your posts. As someone who's currently in a relationship with a somewhat insecure man, I can tell you the guessing never stops. Better to have not even gone there, Gaeta. Have fun this evening! And good luck on your upcoming date. I know you're gonna find someone eventually. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 The only thing you did wrong was jump ahead in your mind to the point that you're concerning yourself with his OLD presence after 7 days. At 7 days in, there's excitement and hope, but a whole lot of wait-n-see. Ok and I get you but after Gaeta's recent history we are going back to basics on what she thinks and sees and what alerts her initially. Put it this way, I believe she is asking more questions early on due to thinking 'is there something up with this?' I have been tough on her myself..but I also want her to question. I would rather she did. She is my sister, one of my sisters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 The question you ask in your title is not complicated. He still wants to date/diddle around with other women. And you're checking up on him. Not a good sign.Even is, as someone suggests, you "lock him down" he still might go to online dating sites. Married men do it all the time. You have to find someome who only wants you. Good luck with that. But you might tell him it bothers you, but then you're be exposed as a sneaky insecure snoop. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 The question you ask in your title is not complicated. He still wants to date/diddle around with other women. And you're checking up on him. Not a good sign.Even is, as someone suggests, you "lock him down" he still might go to online dating sites. Married men do it all the time. You have to find someome who only wants you. Good luck with that. But you might tell him it bothers you, but then you're be exposed as a sneaky insecure snoop. They're long over already, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 The only thing you did wrong was jump ahead in your mind to the point that you're concerning yourself with his OLD presence after 7 days. At 7 days in, there's excitement and hope, but a whole lot of wait-n-see. It's shocking to me the lies some women tell themselves - even someone in this thread. Lies like: "Dating is hard; it's tough out there." What a complete and utter fabrication!! The vast, vast majority of adults on the planet are in relationships. If the majority of people can be successful in something (i.e. finding a relationship), it can't be that hard! And the absolute key - like xxoo said - is time. It takes time to get to know someone well enough to know if they're good relationship material. OP, you were very excited about this guy - before giving it any time! Which to me shows that the things that attract you, are not relationship oriented qualities. Which could mean that you, OP, are not good relationship material. And that's why you can't get a man to want to be in a relationship with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Which could mean that you, OP, are not good relationship material. And that's why you can't get a man to want to be in a relationship with you. Well, I have been in relationships. I was married 15 years, than 4 years, then I had short terms relationships. I would not say I am not good relationship material geezzz! I recognize where I fawked up in this one here but when I date someone the fate of the relationship does not weight on my shoulders only, we are 2 to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I mean, this guy rushed into it, involved his kid, saw me in his soup, suddenly drops off the radar, says he wants to talk, never calls, but I am the one not good relationship material. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I mean, this guy rushed into it, involved his kid, saw me in his soup, suddenly drops off the radar, says he wants to talk, never calls, but I am the one not good relationship material. Didn't you go on 100 dates in one year or something? And not one of those panned out into something substantial? The one thing those 100 men have in common is they went on a date with you. You've already said you changed your method of dating (more selective, no sex too soon), and that didn't work. What's left? Change your attitude...or more politely, your perception of dating. (not trying to be mean, but helpful. I am in the same boat as you...worse, maybe.) Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I mean, this guy rushed into it, involved his kid, saw me in his soup, suddenly drops off the radar, says he wants to talk, never calls, but I am the one not good relationship material. But it's your picker that is off. You really were into this guy! In case you forgot: This man has everything on my list of wishes (so far). In my mind I wanted to meet a man that was funny, stable, attentive, considerate, articulate, interesting, fit and handsome and I met him!! He contacts me on daily basis, he takes interest in my day, he remembers everything I say. We had 3 dates in the past 7 days. He kept his hands to himself, he insisted on paying each time. He offers his help when he sees a need. He makes short terms plans with me. On our last date he asked: So, are we like seeing each other? To me it sounded like he was confirming we are dating, what do you think? He even told his 10 yo daughter about me and showed her my pictures and asked her if she'd be ok with meeting me one day. This man had everything on your list of wishes! And again, like every other man you pick, turns out to be a dud. Why do you keep picking duds? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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