How to make NC stick

[Riri90]

What was the last straw that made you go NC and stick to it? Back in November I went NC on ex separated man for 2 months. I did so I could clear my head, sort out my feelings and look at things objectively. Really, I just wanted to get my feelings in check. So it wasn’t that I went NC because of anything he did or having no choice. That 2 months really helped me to look at the situation from different angles and I no longer feel ruled my emotions.

 

However I still missed him during NC and wanted to talk to him…hence why I broke NC in January. We have been chatting for the last 2 months and it’s ok but I am wondering if that needs to stop. Although I feel fine now and don’t think it will lead to more, I wonder if it is bad for me in the long run. I do a lot of reading on here and see it is general opinion that a friendship after such situations are not possible…but how can I stick to NC when I have no negative feelings and don’t mind chatting with him?

[badpenny]

Which one of you actually broke the relationship up, and wen NC? Who was the 'dumper' and who was the 'dumpee'?

What is his situation now?

 

How does HE feel about being in touch with you?

 

What's your motivation?

What's HIS?

[Southern Sun]

Riri - if you have no negative feelings towards him and "don't mind" chatting with him, why are you considering NC?

[Riri90]

Riri - if you have no negative feelings towards him and "don't mind" chatting with him, why are you considering NC?

 

Because I keep reading that it is not possible to be friends. I am worried that, although i feel fine now, this isn't healthy in the long run. And I am considering the NC because as far as I know he is still married so I do want to do the right thing.

[DKT3]

The bottom line here is if you don't want NC the there will be contact.

 

Of course this isn't healthy, and it will also keep you stuck in this spot. You waiting around on the slim chance that he will actually pull the trigger and leave the marriage. Before you know it 30 turns to 40 or 40 turns to 50 and your still here, still waiting. What kind of life is that? He is living his life.

[Riri90]

The bottom line here is if you don't want NC the there will be contact.

 

Of course this isn't healthy, and it will also keep you stuck in this spot. You waiting around on the slim chance that he will actually pull the trigger and leave the marriage. Before you know it 30 turns to 40 or 40 turns to 50 and your still here, still waiting. What kind of life is that? He is living his life.

 

Thank you for this. But that is another problem! I do not feel stuck or like I am waiting but maybe I am subconsciously? I just turned 25 recently, I am in school, I have other guy friends and other potential people to date. I still hang with friends. That's how I rationalize the contact in my head. I think it's not so bad because I am still living life. I don't talk to him everyday and I don't even respond to every message he sends me. I feel like I can handle him on the side of my life...but I want to explore why I can't just let the friendship go and stick to NC.

[DKT3]

Thank you for this. But that is another problem! I do not feel stuck or like I am waiting but maybe I am subconsciously? I just turned 25 recently, I am in school, I have other guy friends and other potential people to date. I still hang with friends. That's how I rationalize the contact in my head. I think it's not so bad because I am still living life. I don't talk to him everyday and I don't even respond to every message he sends me. I feel like I can handle him on the side of my life...but I want to explore why I can't just let the friendship go and stick to NC.

 

Actually its really simple. Most women have a hard time letting go of any relationship. Women in general need a large base of emotional relationships. The key is understanding the unhealthy ones.

 

You mention the POTENTIALS, how many of them have you found yourself comparing to MM? That is being stuck in this spot. How often to you think, "if only this happened" that keeps you stuck in this spot.

 

Your waiting, you won't go NC because if you do how will you know he still wants you? How will you know if something happens and he will come to you?

 

The truth is, if he was going to do that it would have happened.

 

Your so young and have so much ahead of you, stop rolling around with pigs, it will take you years to get the mud from behind your ears.

[Riri90]

Actually its really simple. Most women have a hard time letting go of any relationship. Women in general need a large base of emotional relationships. The key is understanding the unhealthy ones.

 

You mention the POTENTIALS, how many of them have you found yourself comparing to MM? That is being stuck in this spot. How often to you think, "if only this happened" that keeps you stuck in this spot.

 

Your waiting, you won't go NC because if you do how will you know he still wants you? How will you know if something happens and he will come to you?

 

The truth is, if he was going to do that it would have happened.

 

Your so young and have so much ahead of you, stop rolling around with pigs, it will take you years to get the mud from behind your ears.

 

You are right. You are absolutely right. I do compare others to exSM but on the flipside I KNOW I am romantizing him, and putting him on a pedastol. That's an annoying part of all this, I know he is not some great guy, some great catch. He is a nice guy but not a GREAT guy. I know this but I still compare.

 

I also do think about the "if only this happened", I had a whole thread on the what if I told him my true feelings. I keep blaming myself for the way things ended and I wonder if that keeps me stuck. I am glad that passed and I no longer want to share my feelings with him.

 

 

And you are right, he would have done/said something by now. We have been chatting for 2 months and although I haven't asked about the state of his marriage because I find it nosey or rude, he could have told me himself if he wanted to. All I really know (and I take it with a grain of salt) is that he is stressed and unhappy but clearly hasn't changed his situation.

[DKT3]

You are right. You are absolutely right. I do compare others to exSM but on the flipside I KNOW I am romantizing him, and putting him on a pedastol. That's an annoying part of all this, I know he is not some great guy, some great catch. He is a nice guy but not a GREAT guy. I know this but I still compare.

 

I also do think about the "if only this happened", I had a whole thread on the what if I told him my true feelings. I keep blaming myself for the way things ended and I wonder if that keeps me stuck. I am glad that passed and I no longer want to share my feelings with him.

 

 

And you are right, he would have done/said something by now. We have been chatting for 2 months and although I haven't asked about the state of his marriage because I find it nosey or rude, he could have told me himself if he wanted to. All I really know (and I take it with a grain of salt) is that he is stressed and unhappy but clearly hasn't changed his situation.

 

My wife had an affair and I was so unhappy in our marriage once if figured it out. It took me 8 months to decide I had to divorce her and another six months to finally pull the trigger. I could sleep, barely ate. The only joy I found was in my kids. Having spent 14 months in that state, I can promise you this. If I had a woman on the side that gave me joy and I was in love with, I would have bounced on my wife and the marriage in a matter of weeks, maybe even days.

 

This is the message I try to send to MOW and OW here. Men unhappy in their marriages leave and do so fairly quick when they have another woman. Look at the example here of OW that ended up with MM. The affairs where short lived before he left for them.

 

Point being, how do you truly know he is the one unhappy in the marriage? How do you truly know his wife didn't toss his azz out, and he didn't work hard in getting her to let him come back. There is a huge difference in the two dynamics.

[Riri90]

My wife had an affair and I was so unhappy in our marriage once if figured it out. It took me 8 months to decide I had to divorce her and another six months to finally pull the trigger. I could sleep, barely ate. The only joy I found was in my kids. Having spent 14 months in that state, I can promise you this. If I had a woman on the side that gave me joy and I was in love with, I would have bounced on my wife and the marriage in a matter of weeks, maybe even days.

 

This is the message I try to send to MOW and OW here. Men unhappy in their marriages leave and do so fairly quick when they have another woman. Look at the example here of OW that ended up with MM. The affairs where short lived before he left for them.

 

Point being, how do you truly know he is the one unhappy in the marriage? How do you truly know his wife didn't toss his azz out, and he didn't work hard in getting her to let him come back. There is a huge difference in the two dynamics.

Thank you for sharing that with me. It helps me see where you are coming from.

 

This is what confuses me and made me want to confess my feelings. During his seperation, he wanted to be with me, even filed seperation legally at my request (wife confirmed this). He would ask me over and over to promise him if he left her I would be with him, I told him no. he asked me to wait for him until his divorced was finished, I told him no. Then I told him I wouldn't have time for a real relationship for a long ahwile, until after i finished school. He told me if he divorced his wife and I wouldn't be with him, then he would have egg on his face.

 

Basically the only reason he would leave his wife is if i promised him a future together and I couldn't. AFTER all this push/pull from me, he decided to work on his marriage. This is why I balme myself for how it ended. His wife was unhappy and moved out but wanted to come back after she found out that he was spending time with me.

[Riri90]

My wife had an affair and I was so unhappy in our marriage once if figured it out. It took me 8 months to decide I had to divorce her and another six months to finally pull the trigger. I could sleep, barely ate. The only joy I found was in my kids. Having spent 14 months in that state, I can promise you this. If I had a woman on the side that gave me joy and I was in love with, I would have bounced on my wife and the marriage in a matter of weeks, maybe even days.

 

This is the message I try to send to MOW and OW here. Men unhappy in their marriages leave and do so fairly quick when they have another woman. Look at the example here of OW that ended up with MM. The affairs where short lived before he left for them.

 

Point being, how do you truly know he is the one unhappy in the marriage? How do you truly know his wife didn't toss his azz out, and he didn't work hard in getting her to let him come back. There is a huge difference in the two dynamics.

 

Just to answer these questions

 

1. His wife is unhappy too. She wanted the seperation and moved out. I knew all this from the start. He is a type that can't be alone.

 

2. He didn't work hard to get her back because she complained to him that he wasn't focused on her at all. He showed me messages where she was upset that he didn't seem that sad about everything. As soon as he told her he was spending time with me, she wanted him back. He didn't have to earn her back at all.

[Riri90]

But all that is in the past and none of that matters now. I just want to find a way to end this friendship forever and go NC. I don't care about letting him know before I do it, I just want to stick to it. I think of his bad traits (which are quite a few) and I still want to talk to him so I am thinking some of this is mainly just ego related.

 

I bring this up because I have not responded to his last message and it has been a week. I kind of just want to keep going and turn it into NC. I know if I message him back, he'll be right there ready to reply but then what? A lot of nothing is what. Alot of going nowhere fast.

[GoldieLox]

You really have to want the NC and mean it. For example- I half-ass wanted it, did it for a month, but there was still that .05% of me that wanted to talk to him. I stupidly broke it and ended up in a world full of hurt like I could never have imagined. Serves me right, I suppose.

 

It's been almost a month and a half of NC for me since that incident. I could NEVER even fathom breaking it now. The month and a half of actually wanting it, truly wanting it, has allowed me to work on myself and try to figure out my issues with astounding clarity.

 

You'll get to a point where it just comes. Looking back, I realize I wasn't ready the first time.

[Riri90]

How do you let go of the irrational fear of missing out? I hate the what if... But I do understand that even if you block them and they really want you back they will find a way and if they don't then they don't care. But why can't I just shut the door? Sorry venting a little.

[GoldieLox]

How do you let go of the irrational fear of missing out? I hate the what if... But I do understand that even if you block them and they really want you back they will find a way and if they don't then they don't care. But why can't I just shut the door? Sorry venting a little.

 

This is my situation... missing out on what? Missing out on a guy who said he cared about me, then hurt me like no other man ever has (whether he really did or didn't care is not my problem anymore, I don't care)? Versus... my husband, who has sworn to love me no matter what? (he's guessed about what's going on... I'm not ready to admit it yet, but we're going to get there soon) Who has stood by me in all my triumphs and failures?

 

Once you get into NC, you will see some clarity. I promise you. Sometimes it's clarity you don't like. For example, I was questioning whether I wanted to stay in my marriage, because I felt too broken to fix it. As time goes on, I gain more understanding of what is going on inside of me and realize that not all hope is lost. But it's only because my mind isn't on xMM every second of everyday that I can focus on my life and my marriage.

 

I'm not sure if you're single or married, but if you're single, you'll still reap the benefits of getting him out of your life. Make a list of what you REALLY think you're going to miss by going NC.

[Ronnie33]

How do you let go of the irrational fear of missing out? I hate the what if... But I do understand that even if you block them and they really want you back they will find a way and if they don't then they don't care. But why can't I just shut the door? Sorry venting a little.

 

The what if is what kept me going back for two years and now I'm still sitting here in the same spot. My new what if is "what if I actually stick with NC and move the eff on for good because this crap is pointless!"

[Riri90]

This is my situation... missing out on what? Missing out on a guy who said he cared about me, then hurt me like no other man ever has (whether he really did or didn't care is not my problem anymore, I don't care)? Versus... my husband, who has sworn to love me no matter what? (he's guessed about what's going on... I'm not ready to admit it yet, but we're going to get there soon) Who has stood by me in all my triumphs and failures?

 

Once you get into NC, you will see some clarity. I promise you. Sometimes it's clarity you don't like. For example, I was questioning whether I wanted to stay in my marriage, because I felt too broken to fix it. As time goes on, I gain more understanding of what is going on inside of me and realize that not all hope is lost. But it's only because my mind isn't on xMM every second of everyday that I can focus on my life and my marriage.

 

I'm not sure if you're single or married, but if you're single, you'll still reap the benefits of getting him out of your life. Make a list of what you REALLY think you're going to miss by going NC.

 

Now that I think about it I guess I'm not missing out on much. I just don't like feeling that if I had been different then things between us would be different. I did really like him. I guess the fear is if I totally shut the door then I'll never know.

 

But I'm seeing a lot of OW who did everything right I guess you would say and still ended up hurt. Maybe there is nothing different I could have done or can do now.

 

I'm single by the way

[Riri90]

The what if is what kept me going back for two years and now I'm still sitting here in the same spot. My new what if is "what if I actually stick with NC and move the eff on for good because this crap is pointless!"

 

Yea I agree. I don't want to look up and have wasted years, that's a scary thought too. I already want to kick myself for the months I've already wasted.

[GoldieLox]

Now that I think about it I guess I'm not missing out on much. I just don't like feeling that if I had been different then things between us would be different. I did really like him. I guess the fear is if I totally shut the door then I'll never know.

 

But I'm seeing a lot of OW who did everything right I guess you would say and still ended up hurt. Maybe there is nothing different I could have done or can do now.

 

I'm single by the way

 

Make a list of some of the great qualities about yourself. These are things that you can share with someone else... a single someone else, a guy who can give you all of the time and energy you deserve.

 

You can't keep dwelling on the 'what ifs', because it's only going to make things worse. What if you were different? He was still going to be married regardless. 99% of the time, when APs have feelings for each other, they're genuine, but just not enough for one to change their situation. You couldn't have done anything "better"- your MM simply doesn't want to leave his marriage, probably for a garden variety of reasons. It really doesn't have anything to do with you.

[whichwayisup]

What was the last straw that made you go NC and stick to it? Back in November I went NC on ex separated man for 2 months. I did so I could clear my head, sort out my feelings and look at things objectively. Really, I just wanted to get my feelings in check. So it wasn’t that I went NC because of anything he did or having no choice. That 2 months really helped me to look at the situation from different angles and I no longer feel ruled my emotions.

 

However I still missed him during NC and wanted to talk to him…hence why I broke NC in January. We have been chatting for the last 2 months and it’s ok but I am wondering if that needs to stop. Although I feel fine now and don’t think it will lead to more, I wonder if it is bad for me in the long run. I do a lot of reading on here and see it is general opinion that a friendship after such situations are not possible…but how can I stick to NC when I have no negative feelings and don’t mind chatting with him?

 

But you have feelings for him, hence preventing you from letting go of him. How much is he in your head? How often do you talk?

 

It is bad for you in the long run, he is still married.

 

What's the point? You can't rely on him, he can't be there for you - Only on his terms. xAP's cannot be 'just' friends.

 

What's your end goal here?

[whichwayisup]

Yea I agree. I don't want to look up and have wasted years, that's a scary thought too. I already want to kick myself for the months I've already wasted.

 

Your heart, your time and energy IS being wasted on a guy who is married and not leaving his wife or divorcing her to be with you.

 

Every second you waste on him is a second wasted on your grieving and letting go of him process, detaching, moving on..

 

Only you can decide if you want it over for good and go total NC.

[Riri90]

But you have feelings for him, hence preventing you from letting go of him. How much is he in your head? How often do you talk?

 

It is bad for you in the long run, he is still married.

 

What's the point? You can't rely on him, he can't be there for you - Only on his terms. xAP's cannot be 'just' friends.

 

What's your end goal here?

 

We only talk a couple times a week, sometimes more. I don't think about him all day, everyday but he does seem to be in the back of mind. You are right, what the point?

 

My end goal keeps going back and forth from believing we can be friends and this limited contact is not hurting me now (but possibly in the long run) to just wanting to be totally free of him and never thinking about him again.

[whichwayisup]

You can't be 'friends' or casual aquaint's with an exAP.

 

Rip off the band aid and cut him loose.

[Riri90]

Just need somewhere to vent a little this morning...

 

exSM is messaging me this morning and I haven't responded but it is tempting to do so. I know I should just rip the bandaid off and block him, but i tried that before and failed.

 

I want to get to a point that even when he messages me, I can look it at and not give a ****, feel absolutely nothing. So here is where I am today, a part of me wants to block and be done with the whole situation....another part of me wants to just be bold and ask him directly what the heck is up with him, is he working on things at home or not.

 

Also he liked a pic of mine on FB so I decided to peek at his page...He is still not wearing his ring, and no pics or mentions of his wife. I know that means nothing, I know people portray whatever life they want on FB.

 

This feels like an addiction I only like because of habit. It's no where near the same high but I keep carrying on. it's stupid really. It's just like the person who no longer feels joy from smoking their cigarette and are ready to quit but they are SO USED to it, on break, after a stressful day, while having a drink etc....but really they could do without it. I am not enjoying this addiction and I don't like it anymore. Must be just pure habit now.

 

Sorry just trying to figure my sh*t out...

[Rainbow00]

Aw Riri, I feel exactly the same way when you describe it like an addiction. I don't know why I'm still yearning for it, it's more of habit than anything else. We'll just have to forge new habits without them in the picture.

 

I'm on day 3 of NC after I broke my 5 week streak and it just made t worse. He was initially excited to see me and acted like we were together again but then now won't even say hi. I'm proud of you for staying strong and ignoring him. He's trying to get your attention through facebook as well, don't fall into the trap. I know it's hard. I'm here to chat if you need to stay strong