Mapper71 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 H has not gone to work in 3 weeks and we haven't had sex in nearly 2 months. He would never give me a straight answer as to why. When I found the nerve to ask him what was going on, he would either shut down and change the subject, make light of the whole thing, or just get angry that I wanted to get an answer. He tells me last Thursday that he went to see the doctor and got a note and that he was definitely returning to work on Friday. Even texted his boss Friday morning saying he'd be in. However around noon on Friday afternoon he calls me and says he called the work helpline and asked about alcohol treatment and that he wants to go and do an inpatient stint there from anywhere from 10-30 days. He said he's been depressed and it is either quit his job or get treatment which is probably the root of all his other issues. They suggested he wouldn't really need inpatient and could do outpatient but he said he couldn't do outpatient and also go to a job he doesn't like and not drink. I am all for him doing this. He has always drank a lot since I've known him. He wanted to go out last Saturday as a last hurrah to drinking and I obliged him. That was a mistake. He is always able to remain functioning when he drinks, but this time he got horribly drunk. We ran into friends while we were out and then went back to their place around midnight for a bit. H seemed fine and then about 20 minutes later went outside and puked He stayed out there and kept puking and was incoherent. I could barely get him into the car to go. He puked while I was driving home and then stumbled in the house and was just plain mean. He didn't want help when I offered it and then would get mad because I wasn't helping him. It was very sad and disgusting to see him like that. Needless to say, he spent most of yesterday in bed. He is supposed to go into treatment sometime this week when a bed opens up. I am glad he is doing this, but I am also extremely stressed out. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't want my family or friends or coworkers to know what is going on with him. I just don't want anyone to judge him or judge our relationship. So I am acting like everything is just dandy and no word about him going into treatment or me living alone for possibly up to 30 days while he's there. I guess it's good that our family is 2000 miles away. It is very hard for me to focus at work because I don't know what is going to happen with him and once he's in treatment I am going to constantly be wondering what is going on with him. I honestly don't think he will stay sober. The temptation is too great. We will keep liquor out of the house, but he has a lifestyle and friends who drink. He says he will just go out and drink water, but I can't see that happening. I can see him rationalizing by saying he just won't drink at home but he's okay to drink if we go out with friends once in a while. He never sticks to any other lifestyle changes like eating better and exercising. Those go out the window in about a week. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I don't think that someone that needs a "last hoorah" though is someone that's ready to make that change permanently. Not to mention, if he's not ready to give up his friends, odds are stacked against him. On the bright side, it seems like he's finally opening up a bit, that's a step in the right direction at least. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Yes I agree with you 100%. I think this is just another one of his big things he says he's going to do but won't. Wouldn't even surprise me if he goes in for 21 days, he will leave after 3 days saying they aren't doing anything for him. He goes in knowing what he thinks needs to be done and if the counselors go about it a different way then it's not worth his time. I am looking forward to having the house to myself though during this time. I can do larger projects that I didn't want to do before because I never had enough alone time to do them. I have wanted to rent a carpet cleaner for a long time now, but never did because even if I cleaned them after work one day, they'd still be wet when he came home. I do not have to worry about him coming home early one night. I will take him to this facility so I will have to go pick him up when he’s ready to come home. I have not had 2 minutes by myself in the house in 3 weeks. Sure I’ve kind of had it to myself when he was napping or in the garage, but not truly to myself. I want to be as loud as I want, whether it be 4AM or midnight. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Wishing him and you the best....hope this is part of the change that you all need. I recommend the book Getting Sober: A Practical Guide to Making It Through the First 30 Days by Kelly Madigan Erlandson. Find it here. Lots of great info, and easy to read. Also Al-Anon for you, and perhaps your stepdaughter if she is interested. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Wishing him and you the best....hope this is part of the change that you all need. I recommend the book Getting Sober: A Practical Guide to Making It Through the First 30 Days by Kelly Madigan Erlandson. Find it here. Lots of great info, and easy to read. Also Al-Anon for you, and perhaps your stepdaughter if she is interested. Good luck! Well stepdaughter has no idea what is going on with him as they haven't spoken for 7 months. It's up to him to inform her. Maybe one of the things he'll do in treatment is write her a letter. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I suggest that while he's doing that you get into al-anon Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups It's a group for the people who love alcoholics. It will help you understand him & your role in both his drinking & his sobriety. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 One day at a time, yet have him do at least 30 to detox. He gets the rest of his sober life to make amends.Funny thing about sobriety, the healthier they get the more they realize the poor choices they made in the past. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 One day at a time, yet have him do at least 30 to detox. He gets the rest of his sober life to make amends.Funny thing about sobriety, the healthier they get the more they realize the poor choices they made in the past. But I can't help but see this as all a charade. He doesn't want to go to work. Rather than keep lying to his manager about all these nonexistant aches and pains he has that keep him from working for weeks and knowing the doctor is probably tired of seeing him and writing notes for him, he thinks "Hey, why don't I just do inpatient treatment for a month? That way it's legit and I can take a leave of absence for it." He's probably thinking that it MAY help him not drink, but if it doesn't then "oh well". At least he didn't have to think about going to work for a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 There is a saying in sobriety :anything after "but" is bull$hit. Most alcoholic love to make statements and have this little "but" to tag along so they can make an excuse. Planting the seed thru the rehab is all that can be done. Its ultimately up to him. I sincerely do hope he gets sober. He has a daughter that deserves to have a Dad that cares. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 This also leaves me as sole provider at the worst time. I mean I usually have to pay a majority of the bills because he can never afford it, but now he hasn’t worked for 3 weeks and most likely it will still be another month before he goes back to work. That’s 2 months of absolutely no income from him and he has no savings. Our bills (which includes his $350/month motorcycle loan in MY name, which was a stupid thing for me to do but at the time he PROMISED me that he would make EVERY payment. We’ve had that motorcycle for 3 years now and I think maybe he’s made 5 or 6 of those payments while I’ve made the other 30) which total about $2000/month and then add groceries and gas on top of that. Also we found out we owe $3200 in taxes this year and the first $800 installment is due April 15 AND we have to pay our tax guy $400 for doing our taxes. I mean I’m looking at having to spend about $3500 in the next month with absolutely no help. His response is “I know this is coming at a bad time but relax, it will be okay. We’ve managed everything so far right?” It’s NOT okay that I continually have to pay the majority of everything! I have savings and make about $3000/month take home pay but I have no chance to save any money and have to start depleting my savings even more than before. I’ve lost so much money since I met him having to pay his bills and buy him things he wants. I mean if I never bought for or paid for another thing for the rest of our lives, I don’t think he could repay me all the money I’ve “loaned” him. That is a huge resentment on my part. It seems like anytime he gets 1 step ahead, he takes 2 steps back. And if he is just doing this inpatient treatment (which thankfully is totally paid for by insurance!) just so he doesn't have to work and MAYBE quit drinking and to just to take time for himself then I am going to be very mad that he isn't helping with bills. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Sell the bike. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Sell the bike. Oh there'd be hell to pay if I sold that! That's his pride and joy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Get into counseling. There are many symptoms emanating from the post that need addressed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaylorTrek Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 i second to what tayla said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) And the following is EXACTLY why I think he is doing this as a charade! He tells me yesterday that they can take him in Friday afternoon. I tell him that I'll just take 1/2 off of work so I can take him there. He then proceeds to tell me that there will probably be group and individual counseling and I tell him that it's good you'll have someone to talk to. He says "No it's not. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to go to a place where there's no alcohol and maybe get some exercise in." So you just basically want to vacation from work and leave me with all the bills? If that's all you wanted then we can just keep alcohol out of the house and you can join a gym. There's no need for you to be off work for a month so you can go into "treatment"! He then goes on on how he doesn't believe in all that AA 12 step God crap. How they will allow him to bring a cell phone but they keep it locked up. He goes "I thought this facility would just be chill and be like "Okay we're all here for the same reason so lets just go on with our normal lives but without alcohol but apparently they are going to be all strict and stuff". I can see him 3 days in and calling me going "Yeah this isn't anything like I was expecting and I want to come home". I guarantee you he will get annoyed with the counselors and others there and say that they want to delve into everything in my life and it's just not that bad." Then he proceeds to tell me that, after 3 days of not drinking, he had a couple of drinks yesterday because we had just a bit of vodka left in the bottle so he thought he'd finish it up. Then tells me "It's not a big deal". Why are you doing this? Do you have any plans of actually remaining sober or even trying? Because if you see having a few drinks as not a big deal and you don't want to talk to anyone (if he does, it's most likely going to be lies) then this isn't going to work. Did you think this was like a spa or something and people would just leave you alone while you stay and do your own thing?? I really don't get him. Edited March 26, 2015 by Mapper71 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Good to know. Let us know how your first session in counseling goes, its so worth it to healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'm assuming the group counseling is with others there for treatment. I have no idea if I will be involved or if he wants me involved. He basically just wants me to drop him off tomorrow and then leave. I don't think he even wants me to come inside. It's like he thinks I don't need to know about anything that's going to go on and I should just go on living my normal life. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Mapper71. the counseling is for you. setup an apptment, you sincerely deserve to recognize and work thru many challenges. None of us here can be that counselor. Hope you see this as a wake up call to healing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 And the following is EXACTLY why I think he is doing this as a charade! He tells me yesterday that they can take him in Friday afternoon. I tell him that I'll just take 1/2 off of work so I can take him there. He then proceeds to tell me that there will probably be group and individual counseling and I tell him that it's good you'll have someone to talk to. He says "No it's not. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to go to a place where there's no alcohol and maybe get some exercise in." So you just basically want to vacation from work and leave me with all the bills? If that's all you wanted then we can just keep alcohol out of the house and you can join a gym. There's no need for you to be off work for a month so you can go into "treatment"! He then goes on on how he doesn't believe in all that AA 12 step God crap. How they will allow him to bring a cell phone but they keep it locked up. He goes "I thought this facility would just be chill and be like "Okay we're all here for the same reason so lets just go on with our normal lives but without alcohol but apparently they are going to be all strict and stuff". I can see him 3 days in and calling me going "Yeah this isn't anything like I was expecting and I want to come home". I guarantee you he will get annoyed with the counselors and others there and say that they want to delve into everything in my life and it's just not that bad." Hell yeah, Mapper. Please tell us you told him the bolded. You need to get fired up and stop taking this crap from him. Take control of your life. Now's the time. Your husband is a pro-slacker and a deadbeat. I'd be surprised if he makes it a week in that treatment facility. He's just looking for a paid vacation and an excuse to not go to work for a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Hell yeah, Mapper. Please tell us you told him the bolded. You need to get fired up and stop taking this crap from him. Take control of your life. Now's the time. Your husband is a pro-slacker and a deadbeat. I'd be surprised if he makes it a week in that treatment facility. He's just looking for a paid vacation and an excuse to not go to work for a month. No I didn't tell him that. You know me...no backbone Mapper. And I WISH it was a paid vacation. The treatment is all covered under his insurance, thank god, but none of this time off (the nearly 4 weeks he's already been not going to work or this now one month leave of absence) is paid for. This means he has about 2 months of no income and is leaving me to pay all the bills. His response to that? "I know I'm doing this at the worst possible time, but hang in there. We've been managing with the finances so far right? Everything will be fine." Yup...just hunky dory! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Mapper71. the counseling is for you. setup an apptment, you sincerely deserve to recognize and work thru many challenges. None of us here can be that counselor. Hope you see this as a wake up call to healing. No, I actually looked at the schedule online and the group counseling is for the other people there. They get together in group sessions all afternoon. They have a family night once a week but I don't know what that entails. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 This relationship is at a dead end. There is so many things that you keep complaining about and that do not get resolved. He just doesn't care. He's a lazy bastard and he only wants to get away for a few weeks in order to avoid work. Do you really want to stay with a guy like that? As far as I know, you have no kids together, so what's the problem? I cannot believe that you love him either. Nothing in your posts ever indicate that. So what are you waiting for? Now he wants to go into treatment? And at the same time he says that he doesn't want to do counseling - just get a paid vacation in that facility basically? I cannot believe you are tolerating this. By doing this, you show him that everything he does is okay. Letting you pay all the bills is okay. Not going to work is ok. Laziness is being tolerated and ok. Your complaining won't change him. He doesn't care enough. I bet he won't even if you leave him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 This relationship is at a dead end. There is so many things that you keep complaining about and that do not get resolved. He just doesn't care. He's a lazy bastard and he only wants to get away for a few weeks in order to avoid work. Do you really want to stay with a guy like that? As far as I know, you have no kids together, so what's the problem? I cannot believe that you love him either. Nothing in your posts ever indicate that. So what are you waiting for? Now he wants to go into treatment? And at the same time he says that he doesn't want to do counseling - just get a paid vacation in that facility basically? I cannot believe you are tolerating this. By doing this, you show him that everything he does is okay. Letting you pay all the bills is okay. Not going to work is ok. Laziness is being tolerated and ok. Your complaining won't change him. He doesn't care enough. I bet he won't even if you leave him. He tells me he doesn't want to be like his dad who was a drinker and a cheater. He says he has too much he cares about to just give it up. I guess I'm the same way. Too familiar with him. Too lazy/scared to leave him. Too scared to rock the boat. Too anxious to have to deal with all the stuff that would have to be done in a divorce. Too afraid to have to face anyone if it happened. Nobody knows about him going into treatment and I'm not telling anyone. Not my friends, family, coworkers. I will keep it all bottled up inside and pretend that everything is good because I don't want him or me to be judged. I will be living on my own for a month but nobody will know. Good thing all family lives 2000 miles away and we don't have many friends who would ever call or stop by. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 No, I actually looked at the schedule online and the group counseling is for the other people there. They get together in group sessions all afternoon. They have a family night once a week but I don't know what that entails. Point blank: GET Counseling. What is stopping you from realizing that the chronic complaining about "him" is just as ill as his drinking. i tried to be civil yet you simply are NOT dealing with a full deck. repeat again: GET COUNSELING , you need to re access the chronic complaining. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 He tells me he doesn't want to be like his dad who was a drinker and a cheater. He says he has too much he cares about to just give it up. I guess I'm the same way. Too familiar with him. Too lazy/scared to leave him. Too scared to rock the boat. Too anxious to have to deal with all the stuff that would have to be done in a divorce. Too afraid to have to face anyone if it happened. Nobody knows about him going into treatment and I'm not telling anyone. Not my friends, family, coworkers. I will keep it all bottled up inside and pretend that everything is good because I don't want him or me to be judged. I will be living on my own for a month but nobody will know. Good thing all family lives 2000 miles away and we don't have many friends who would ever call or stop by. This kind of pretending and cover up for him is part of the sick equation. I hope you seek help - professional help. Going along with his bad behavior isn't right. Pretending as if it's ok is even worse. He has a LONG road ahead of him. It's a program of honesty and change. If nothing changes then expect your life to remain the same. Tell family/friends - you all need support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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