Author Mapper71 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 You can't compare his addiction with others. Someone will always look like they are worse off... And what's with this idea of borrowing money for a trip to Spain when you are so far into debt?!?! Where are your priorities? Yeah, well the trip to Spain is a perk I get with my job, except we need to pay for airfare and everything else is paid for. He kept insisting that we should take money from his VIP for the trip. So we basically get a $4000/person tour fro free except for airfare and extra spending money Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Yes I know, but comparing him to others there who had to go through detox and still don't seem all there and have the shakes compared to him, he seems normal. Of course he's going to look normal next to heroin addicts that are detoxing. He may actually not be an alcoholic, but taking all this time off work and scamming the system the way he does is far from normal. Hopefully his time in treatment will help him with that. Yeah, well the trip to Spain is a perk I get with my job, except we need to pay for airfare and everything else is paid for. He kept insisting that we should take money from his VIP for the trip. So we basically get a $4000/person tour fro free except for airfare and extra spending money Flights from Seattle to Madrid can cost $1,200-$1,500 EACH. Does he really need that motorcycle that you are paying for? He needs to understand that not going to work has consequences. Right now he's getting rewarded with a month off away from all of his responsibilities at home, and you're his sugar mama. I'd look into separating my finances so I wouldn't be on the hook for all this unnecessary debt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Of course he's going to look normal next to heroin addicts that are detoxing. He may actually not be an alcoholic, but taking all this time off work and scamming the system the way he does is far from normal. Hopefully his time in treatment will help him with that. Flights from Seattle to Madrid can cost $1,200-$1,500 EACH. Does he really need that motorcycle that you are paying for? He needs to understand that not going to work has consequences. Right now he's getting rewarded with a month off away from all of his responsibilities at home, and you're his sugar mama. I'd look into separating my finances so I wouldn't be on the hook for all this unnecessary debt. Well he brought up in group about the not working and that's the main thing he wants to talk to his counselor about. What is at the root of not wanting to go to work. He's been in so many different positions and shifts there that it can't always be the people or the job. Yes I know the plane tickets can be up to $1500/person. Tack on another extra $100/day for him for a one week tour (spouses go for free except for $100/day, forgot to mention that) so that's another $700 and then maybe another $500 in spending money so right around $4000. But the additional $4000 tour fee gets paid for by the company for us so $8000 we don't have to pay! Of course his motorcycle isn't NECESSARY, but it's his race bike which brings up another spendy aspect of him going to the racetrack one weekend a month which costs $250/weekend. And our finances ARE separate. We have our own bank accounts, it's just I always give in to pay for things. Even when I visited yesterday he said to me "Oh I'll need you to make the minimum payment on my credit cards while I'm here and could you also pay for the tabs on the trailer?" That's $100 right there he's asking me to take care of for him. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't know what a VIP is, so I googled it. If I am understanding this correctly, it is a retirement plan. Is that correct? And if so, are you contemplating taking $4,000 out of a retirement plan so you can go to Spain while you have all these other debts and pay for your husband's expensive hobby? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 And if so, are you contemplating taking $4,000 out of a retirement plan so you can go to Spain while you have all these other debts and pay for your husband's expensive hobby? Yeah, somehow the OP has rationalized adding to her debt because a portion of the trip will be "free" once they get there. Makes no sense... It is like accepting a "free" Ferrari or Jaguar without taking into account the operating or insurance expenses. Considering all the problems in this marriage, this Spanish trip is mind-boggling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Yeah, somehow the OP has rationalized adding to her debt because a portion of the trip will be "free" once they get there. Makes no sense... It is like accepting a "free" Ferrari or Jaguar without taking into account the operating or insurance expenses. Considering all the problems in this marriage, this Spanish trip is mind-boggling. I didn't rationalize it. In fact it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I want to go to Spain and at this point I said "Why the hell not. Let's have H rack up even more debt. He obviously isn't concerned about it and at this point why the hell should I be." But point taken Carrie...point taken. By the way, I thought you were banning yourself from responding to my posts??? Edited March 30, 2015 by Mapper71 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yes I know, but comparing him to others there who had to go through detox and still don't seem all there and have the shakes compared to him, he seems normal. Yes but he's not been there long enough yet. He may get those shakes and chills, feel sick in a few more days. What's the longest time he's actually gone without a drink? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 He's sick. He has an opportunity to get well. Instead of worrying about your money why don't you try encouraging him to be honest about his problems and support him getting well. Alcoholism affects a person physically as well as mentally. He's sick! Would you act this way if he had cancer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yes I know, but comparing him to others there who had to go through detox and still don't seem all there and have the shakes compared to him, he seems normal. Guess what? If he's in getting treatment now and taking it seriously, that's a good thing. My husband looked pretty well off just a few years ago. Now I can barely recognize him and I think his addiction will claim him in the next five years if there isn't something drastic to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yes but he's not been there long enough yet. He may get those shakes and chills, feel sick in a few more days. What's the longest time he's actually gone without a drink? He went a week without drinking before he went into the facility and he was fine. No shakes, chills or otherwise noticeable stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 He's sick. He has an opportunity to get well. Instead of worrying about your money why don't you try encouraging him to be honest about his problems and support him getting well. Alcoholism affects a person physically as well as mentally. He's sick! Would you act this way if he had cancer? Of course I'd be worrying about money even more if he had cancer! Treatments would cost us so much money! I'd be worrying about him as well, but money worries would certainly be second on my list! Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well he is in treatment why don't you leave that to him and the professionals there and try to take care of yourself and your own issues for now, it really seems like a good chance for you to maybe take steps to move towards a life that you will like for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 He went a week without drinking before he went into the facility and he was fine. No shakes, chills or otherwise noticeable stuff. on march 26th you wrote that he drank the vodka in the house. 2 days before going in. irrelevant though since its clear that al-anon is a place that has its doors open for persons with short term memory loss and a long list of how the alcoholic is the problem. yup al anon has a chair waiting... you sincerely deserve to try it, your way isnt working ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 on march 26th you wrote that he drank the vodka in the house. 2 days before going in. irrelevant though since its clear that al-anon is a place that has its doors open for persons with short term memory loss and a long list of how the alcoholic is the problem. yup al anon has a chair waiting... you sincerely deserve to try it, your way isnt working ... My bad. You are correct. He did have a drink on that Wednesday before going in. I had forgot about that. Yup had a session with other family members and a counselor after the family and patient session last night. First time I've ever talked face to face with anyone about it. It really did nothing for me. I talked about him not going to work for days/weeks at a time and how frustrating that was. The others talked about how their wife/mother (family of 3 kids and a husband) actually died from prescription drug overdose but was able to be revived and the other family member there was the mother of a heroin addict who is 32 and pregnant with her 5th kid from the 3rd dad who is also a heroin addict and she has nowhere to go when she gets out. The counselor spent about 10 minutes addressing them personally and asking questions and really feeling for them. I got about 2 minutes and it was pretty much her nodding her head. It felt like she was thinking "Really? You are here because your husband won't go to work? That's something that you guys can resolve on your own." She was the least interested in my problem compared to everyone else's and barely asked me anything while she couldn't stop asking questions of everyone else. Okay I finally got this out into the open and I don't feel any better than I did while just keeping it inside or talking about it online. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Go to al anon. You need help with your need to control all of this. Work with a sponsor at al anon. It should help you realize that how you participate isn't healthy. You can change that about yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 I have been so much calmer now that I know where he is that I can focus at work and am not constantly checking our phone records or facebook or bank account wondering if he's at work. He gets no access to the computer or his cell phone at rehab. When I visit the focus is on me and there's nothing else to distract him. I was all excited to have the house to myself for all this time but after about 2 days I was ready for him to come home. I've still got another week to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I have been so much calmer now that I know where he is that I can focus at work and am not constantly checking our phone records or facebook or bank account wondering if he's at work. He gets no access to the computer or his cell phone at rehab. When I visit the focus is on me and there's nothing else to distract him. I was all excited to have the house to myself for all this time but after about 2 days I was ready for him to come home. I've still got another week to myself. If you don't think you're capable of fully supporting him being and staying sober - you shouldn't live with him when he gets home. Recovering is hard!!! He needs 200% of your support!!! Your visits are not focused on you! I can guarantee you they are focused on HIM and his recovery! They are more likely assessing you while you're there - to determine if it's in his best interest to come home to you. In other words they want to determine if you support his recovery or not. If you keep being soley focused on money - I'd say it's safe to say you're not supportive enough to live with him while he tries to stay sober. But that's just my observation - take it with a grain of salt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) If you don't think you're capable of fully supporting him being and staying sober - you shouldn't live with him when he gets home. Recovering is hard!!! He needs 200% of your support!!! Your visits are not focused on you! I can guarantee you they are focused on HIM and his recovery! They are more likely assessing you while you're there - to determine if it's in his best interest to come home to you. In other words they want to determine if you support his recovery or not. If you keep being soley focused on money - I'd say it's safe to say you're not supportive enough to live with him while he tries to stay sober. But that's just my observation - take it with a grain of salt. I'm really not concerned with the soberness part. That may sound callous but it's the truth. Yes he may remain sober or he may start drinking again. He even said that in a year he should be able to have a drink or two so he has no intention of remaining sober. That was never the BIG issue. Yes it is an issue, but not the main one either of us wanted to focus on. The one thing I want fixed is the skipping out on work and lying to me about constantly about being at work or going to work. No more of this BS of leaving the house like he's going to work but just going for breakfast until I leave for work and coming home (well he's on 2nd shift now so that is no longer an issue). No more flimsy excuse after excuse to me or his manager about why he can't come in (Of course they all know he's in for treatment so I don't think they'd believe the back hurt, neck hurt, etc stories anymore). That is why he said he is there as well to figure out what psychologically is keeping him from working. There were days when he only had ONE drink and still didn't go to work the next day. There were also days when he stayed up until 2AM and drank all day but still got up at 4AM hungover and tired and went to work. Then let me rephrase my wording earlier. "He gets no access to the computer or his cell phone at rehab. When I visit the focus is on HIM and there's nothing else to distract him." What I'm saying is that we can focus on each other and not the computer or the tv." Edited April 3, 2015 by Mapper71 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 This is somehow one of the scariest threads I've ever read on LS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Please educate yourself on alcoholism - you desperately need information about his problem and what it takes to overcome his issues. For him, your attitude and information about his obstacles is not likely to help him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Please educate yourself on alcoholism - you desperately need information about his problem and what it takes to overcome his issues. For him, your attitude and information about his obstacles is not likely to help him. Yes I realize he's an alcoholic. Yes I know he needs to stop drinking. I'm not oblivious to it .As they said at the meeting though, HE needs to WANT it. Others cannot help if he doesn't want it. One guy said his alcoholic wife wanted some non alcoholic wine when they were out. She should not have that as it still has a small amount of alcohol. He knew that he could not control her and tell her NOT to have it so he just had to let it go and let her make her own choice. As I've learned, you can't change the person and you have to let them make their own decisions. You can definitely support their decisions but you can't make them for them or tell them what to do. So I will keep alcohol out of the house and not order it myself when I go out but I can't control what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 wow! Go get a check up and seek a mental health advisor. From what has been conveyed its debatable as to who is more chronic in their disease.Chronic complaining is curable! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Okay I finally got this out into the open and I don't feel any better than I did while just keeping it inside or talking about it online. It doesn't work like that, it is not about making you feel better after one time, it is about changing yourself!! If you just want to blame all your unhappiness on other people you are in a great relationship for that!! "Stay sick!" (That's an Al-anon / AA motto for a reason!!) If your husband really wants to stop drinking and stop having a miserable life I hope he gets the clarity in that treatment center to know that he needs to leave this marriage that would be the best thing for both of you!! I have to say that reading your posts makes me feel really sad 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 It doesn't work like that, it is not about making you feel better after one time, it is about changing yourself!! If you just want to blame all your unhappiness on other people you are in a great relationship for that!! "Stay sick!" (That's an Al-anon / AA motto for a reason!!) If your husband really wants to stop drinking and stop having a miserable life I hope he gets the clarity in that treatment center to know that he needs to leave this marriage that would be the best thing for both of you!! I have to say that reading your posts makes me feel really sad Thanks Rosebud!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks Rosebud!!! Often when someone brings up a way to help, if it doesn't suit what you want or suggests a way that you could change something instead of suggesting a way for you to try to change others, you often become highly passive-aggressive about it. Why do you think you have so much trouble receiving help and criticism online about things you could change? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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