Husband going in for alcohol treatment

[Mapper71]

Often when someone brings up a way to help, if it doesn't suit what you want or suggests a way that you could change something instead of suggesting a way for you to try to change others, you often become highly passive-aggressive about it.

 

Why do you think you have so much trouble receiving help and criticism online about things you could change?

 

I have no idea. Like everyone says, I need major therapy!

[Rejected Rosebud]

Thanks Rosebud!!!

You're welcome! I'm glad you are trying to see things from other points of view!!

[whichwayisup]

I have no idea. Like everyone says, I need major therapy!

 

Mapper, then go to counseling and work on you while your husband works on trying to be sober. Use this time wisely and do some reflecting, things you'd like to change so your life and marriage will be better and happier/healthier.

 

All this can happen in baby steps, nothing has to be solved in 24 hours. Admitting you need counseling is a great first step. 2nd step is finding a therapist and booking an appointment.

[Mapper71]

We had our conjoined meeting yesterday, which is necessary before he leaves treatment. A majority of the questions were asked of him but some were asked of me. He told the therapist that he wished I would make some decisions because he has to make ALL the decisions in our relationship. Of course I could put together a coherent sentence explaining how I feel about that I was nervous and I suck at talking and basically said "Ok I'll make more decisions". I should have had the questions beforehand so I could respond how I really want to. I don't make many decisions because he is so damn critical of practically everything I do. I can't fold clothes right, I can't make anything in the kitchen without him looking over my shoulder an adjusting things, I watch a show and he comes in and says "WHY are you watching THAT?" I tell him I'm going for a walk and either get "Ooh that sounds like a hoot! I'm going to sit here and play my game" or a sarcastic "Thanks for asking if I want to come!" or if I do ask him to come along I get "I GUESS so. If it will get you out of the house."Those reactions are EXACTLY why I never make decisions. It gives me such low self esteem when he makes me feel so small. I even went to church for Easter mass yesterday. I haven't been to church in years but was alone and wanted to be around some people. I told him when I went to visit him that I went and he goes "Really? Wow...you must have been feeling guilty. Maybe you are turning back into a marm." Once again, I won't be going to church again because I get that snide sarcastic response from him.

 

I tell the therapist that I want him to spend less time playing video games and more time with me. He goes "When I was on 1st shift I'd get home at 2PM, wouldn't start playing until 4PM. She'd get home at 5PM and then I'd log off an spend time with her and I HAD to make dinner or we wouldn't eat (once again, I don't make dinner because I don't make it "right" and he wouldn't eat it if I did) and then he'd go play for a few more hours. I say "But what about those nights when I went to bed and wanted you to come to bed with me and you said no?" He goes "Well I'm not always tired when you are." I then say "Well what about those nights I go to bed and you say that you are just going to hang out on the computer until you finish your drink and then you will come to bed and I wake up 3 hours later and you are still up on the computer?" He goes "Well that's just kind of a running joke." Since when?? Why would you tell me that and not do it? Is that kind of like that time it was just a joke when you went off about me going out to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in 5 months and you said "Oh fine go out without me, see if I care. I'll just be sitting here playing video games and ordering pizza, but no go have fun." Then when she called an hour later and I was on the phone with her he yells "Oh is that my competition on the phone?" He made me feel so awful that I cancelled with her and he goes "Geez I was JUST joking! Go out with her." I never did.

 

Then he goes how he is on 2nd shift now and he HAS to stay up until 3AM so he can sleep until 10AM or so so he doesn't come to bed when he gets home. Then right after he said that he goes '"Well she gets up for work at 6AM and that wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep so I'm really tired all day. All of a sudden now it's MY fault that he can't sleep and that is just part of the reason he can't go to work. We had this conversation before he went on 2nd shift about how I am probably going to wake him up in the morning and he is going to wake me up when he gets home and he said that it will be fine, we'll deal with it.So why not come to bed when you get home and then wake up when I do? Doesn't that make more sense? Gee, what about all those years when you worked first shift and set your alarm for 3:30 AM and then hit snooze several times? I was awake and 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep afterwards but you never once heard me complain about it!

 

The therapist tell shim that he needs to communicate his feelings with me because there was 2 weeks of him not going to work and not telling me what was going on. Just making light of it or changing the subject. He goes "I don't like to tell her what's going on until I have time to process it." She asked me if I would have liked to know and of course I said yes but he once again goes 'Well I didn't know what I was going to do and if I told her I was going to go to therapy and then didn't then she'd be upset". It's not that, it's the fact that you told me NOTHING! There is no reason why you couldn't have told me something, anything, about what was going on rather than knowing I was angry at you but still not saying anything. I am sure the therapist was on my side for that.

[Tayla]

Rather frustrating when excuses are made instead of openly communicating.

Truly you are meant for one another.

[Mapper71]

Rather frustrating when excuses are made instead of openly communicating.

Truly you are meant for one another.

 

Yup! See, even talking to a therapist, which everyone has been saying we need to do, does diddly squat!

[beach]

We had our conjoined meeting yesterday, which is necessary before he leaves treatment. A majority of the questions were asked of him but some were asked of me. He told the therapist that he wished I would make some decisions because he has to make ALL the decisions in our relationship. Of course I could put together a coherent sentence explaining how I feel about that I was nervous and I suck at talking and basically said "Ok I'll make more decisions". I should have had the questions beforehand so I could respond how I really want to. I don't make many decisions because he is so damn critical of practically everything I do. I can't fold clothes right, I can't make anything in the kitchen without him looking over my shoulder an adjusting things, I watch a show and he comes in and says "WHY are you watching THAT?" I tell him I'm going for a walk and either get "Ooh that sounds like a hoot! I'm going to sit here and play my game" or a sarcastic "Thanks for asking if I want to come!" or if I do ask him to come along I get "I GUESS so. If it will get you out of the house."Those reactions are EXACTLY why I never make decisions. It gives me such low self esteem when he makes me feel so small. I even went to church for Easter mass yesterday. I haven't been to church in years but was alone and wanted to be around some people. I told him when I went to visit him that I went and he goes "Really? Wow...you must have been feeling guilty. Maybe you are turning back into a marm." Once again, I won't be going to church again because I get that snide sarcastic response from him.

 

I tell the therapist that I want him to spend less time playing video games and more time with me. He goes "When I was on 1st shift I'd get home at 2PM, wouldn't start playing until 4PM. She'd get home at 5PM and then I'd log off an spend time with her and I HAD to make dinner or we wouldn't eat (once again, I don't make dinner because I don't make it "right" and he wouldn't eat it if I did) and then he'd go play for a few more hours. I say "But what about those nights when I went to bed and wanted you to come to bed with me and you said no?" He goes "Well I'm not always tired when you are." I then say "Well what about those nights I go to bed and you say that you are just going to hang out on the computer until you finish your drink and then you will come to bed and I wake up 3 hours later and you are still up on the computer?" He goes "Well that's just kind of a running joke." Since when?? Why would you tell me that and not do it? Is that kind of like that time it was just a joke when you went off about me going out to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in 5 months and you said "Oh fine go out without me, see if I care. I'll just be sitting here playing video games and ordering pizza, but no go have fun." Then when she called an hour later and I was on the phone with her he yells "Oh is that my competition on the phone?" He made me feel so awful that I cancelled with her and he goes "Geez I was JUST joking! Go out with her." I never did.

 

Then he goes how he is on 2nd shift now and he HAS to stay up until 3AM so he can sleep until 10AM or so so he doesn't come to bed when he gets home. Then right after he said that he goes '"Well she gets up for work at 6AM and that wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep so I'm really tired all day. All of a sudden now it's MY fault that he can't sleep and that is just part of the reason he can't go to work. We had this conversation before he went on 2nd shift about how I am probably going to wake him up in the morning and he is going to wake me up when he gets home and he said that it will be fine, we'll deal with it.So why not come to bed when you get home and then wake up when I do? Doesn't that make more sense? Gee, what about all those years when you worked first shift and set your alarm for 3:30 AM and then hit snooze several times? I was awake and 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep afterwards but you never once heard me complain about it!

 

The therapist tell shim that he needs to communicate his feelings with me because there was 2 weeks of him not going to work and not telling me what was going on. Just making light of it or changing the subject. He goes "I don't like to tell her what's going on until I have time to process it." She asked me if I would have liked to know and of course I said yes but he once again goes 'Well I didn't know what I was going to do and if I told her I was going to go to therapy and then didn't then she'd be upset". It's not that, it's the fact that you told me NOTHING! There is no reason why you couldn't have told me something, anything, about what was going on rather than knowing I was angry at you but still not saying anything. I am sure the therapist was on my side for that.

 

You're worried about who's side the therapist was on?

 

I don't think anyone can help you two... Neither one is willing to let go of the resentments and start compromising.

 

This marriage really looks atrocious - I can't see why either one of you would feel the need to stay in it.

 

Good luck Mapper. It's too bad you don't take suggestions here and give them a try... It really is.

 

I think it's only a place for you to complain without any consideration to change how you participate.

 

Your H is very sick. He may be capable of getting better if you two split up...especially since the dynamics of the union is terribly unhealthy for all.

[Tayla]

Yup! See, even talking to a therapist, which everyone has been saying we need to do, does diddly squat!

 

No. What i read was more validation of just how neither of you have respectable communication or compromising skills.

i interpreted your banter as two ppl who do diddly squat to get well. The therapist job isn't to magically cure but rather to access just how sick your skills are (2 pts for showing that !). yup, you jumped in the pool , drowned and got out and said.... see i tried to swim but the life guard didn't save us. Reason being: you don't learn to swim by simply jumping in a pool, you gotta learn many skills. So as my grand daddy used to say "dont pi$$ on my leg and tell me its raining". Neither of you are willing to learn or practice... so go ahead and blame others that it didn't work, when the reality is, neither one of you actually closed your mouth , opened your ears and considered listening to one another... you hear but you don't listen....

[whichwayisup]

Yup! See, even talking to a therapist, which everyone has been saying we need to do, does diddly squat!

 

That therapist is not a marriage counselor.

 

Also your husband really should be focusing on just trying to quit drinking first. One step at a time.

[beach]

From what you state - you aren't be I g supportive of his problem.

 

 

 

His problem is alcohol.

 

 

 

And if you can't overlook everything for a long while (at least a year) and support him getting and staying sober long term - then make plans to have him live somewhere else for this next year so he can sort out his issues without you throwing his misgivings in his face every time you're together.

 

I'd suggest you make plans to be on your own so he can get well. After a year passes and he looks strong long term - that would be the time to discuss your resentments and work through them - preferably with professional help.

 

 

His counselor is there to help him get well. It's not a marriage counseling session. In the meantime - you would benefit from getting help for yourself. Please seek guidance to help you understand why you want to criticize and be demeaning to those around you. Ask for help in accepting people for the beauty they offer and the gifts they have as individuals.

[Mapper71]

Thanks everyone!!

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well in spite of everything I hope and pray for your husband's recovery from his alcoholism and that he can learn how to live a happy and fulfilling life, he is in treatment so at least he has taken that one step in the right direction! I'm rooting for him! You should too!!!:bunny:

[CC12]

Yup! See, even talking to a therapist, which everyone has been saying we need to do, does diddly squat!

 

That's not a fair thing to say at all.

 

That therapist is a substance abuse counselor, not a marriage counselor. The goal of that therapy was not to fix your marriage, it was meant to help with your husband's alcoholism (which neither of you seem to take seriously at all, btw.)

 

One therapist is not going to magically fix all your problems after one session. It's like you were trying to get treatment from a podiatrist about your sinus issues and expecting an immediate resolution.

 

You should absolutely go to individual counseling on your own. You use this forum to vent a lot, and it might feel like it helps in that moment, but it's not helping your situation in any long-term, meaningful way. You should also encourage your husband to go to marriage counseling with you (with a counselor different than your own) but if he won't do it, keep going to your individual counseling. You're not well, your husband isn't well, your relationship isn't well, and you need help. Please get some help for yourself.

[rester]

Seeing a therapist is like going on a diet. You don't lose 40 lbs in your first week. You need to make major life changes if you expect to see results.

 

It's easy to be miserable all the time. Genuine happiness takes a lot of work.

[whichwayisup]

How are things going Mapper? Is your husband still in rehab? Do an update soon.