On being the OM

[Popsicle]

I told her I was going to make it easy for her and she didn't have to choose. That I'm done and she can do whatever she wants with her marriage.

 

What did she say to this?

 

And are you still in contact with her?

[boneheadedmove]

What did she say to this?

 

And are you still in contact with her?

 

Tough to answer. It was a long drawn out conversation. I told her I was dropping off a box of stuff outside her place but got stuck in traffic and she was waiting for me. I was initially brusque, letting her cry into me and telling her she'll be fine. She said she had been seeing a therapist about what was going on and it was the therapist's suggestion that she'll never feel "clean" about our relationship if she still felt there were lingering doubts about her marriage and her chances of saving it. With the influence of the wedding they just attended, she believes she made commitments and promises to someone who's given her everything, including a second and third chance. I can understand that and I don't fault her for it. He's been in her life for 17 years; me less than 1. But I was unwilling to wait around while she figured things out. She said she understood and didn't want me to, but that ending the marriage "well" is part of working towards a relationship with me. It's been incredibly difficult to get that out of my head, but I have to discount it in order to move forward.

 

We've been completely out of contact for three weeks at this point. She blocked on Facebook and I've blocked all her various websites and social media platforms in case of moments of weakness. The one thing I can't figure out how to get rid of is Spotify though, where I see her listening to what I'm listening to and creating playlists about the dissolution of our relationship. I am worried because she does have a key to my place but I'm not willing to contact her to tell her to throw it away in case it leads to an extended conversation.

 

Deep down I'm of course hoping for the future. I think it's realistically impossible to actually stop hoping. But I'm moving forward as if there is none, telling myself what I have to, even if it's a lie or exaggeration. I can't afford to fall back into this.

[Popsicle]

She probably will come back to cake eat some more if you haven't actually said the words to her to leave you alone until/unless she is divorced.

 

Although it feels good at first when they come back, eventually you will get tired of that too.

 

I, personally, wouldn't even worry about the key or the stuff anymore, but that's just me.

Edited May 17, 2015 by Popsicle

[boneheadedmove]

She probably will come back to cake eat some more if you haven't actually said the words to her to leave you alone until/unless she is divorced.

 

Although it feels good at first when they come back, eventually you will get tired of that too.

 

I, personally, wouldn't even worry about the key or the stuff anymore, but that's just me.

 

My response to whatever she sends my way will be "Are you divorced yet?" If the answer is anything but yes, I tell her to go away until if and when she is.

 

The reason I worry about the key is I have a very demanding and stressful freelance job that requires long days, averaging about 16 hours. This "breakup" comes during a particularly bad point and I don't want to come home after one of these days and see her sitting on my couch, disrupting the concentration I need for my job. Once this gig ends, sure, I'd love to tell her to FO unless she's divorced to her face.

[RoseVille]

You can block her on Spotify by unfollowing her and setting your listening sessions to "private," under Settings - Social.

 

And get your locks changed.

[elaine567]

My response to whatever she sends my way will be "Are you divorced yet?" If the answer is anything but yes, I tell her to go away until if and when she is.

 

The reason I worry about the key is I have a very demanding and stressful freelance job that requires long days, averaging about 16 hours. This "breakup" comes during a particularly bad point and I don't want to come home after one of these days and see her sitting on my couch, disrupting the concentration I need for my job. Once this gig ends, sure, I'd love to tell her to FO unless she's divorced to her face.

 

Get the locks changed, simply done and not that expensive.

[RoseVille]

Get the locks changed, simply done and not that expensive.

 

Yes. And even if you ask for the keys back, there's no guarantee she didn't have a copy made.

 

Just change them. First order of business.

[boneheadedmove]

Yes. And even if you ask for the keys back, there's no guarantee she didn't have a copy made.

 

Just change them. First order of business.

 

Only problem is I rent. D'oh.

 

It's not a big issue. I don't think she will. I honestly believe she wants to do what she says. That includes shutting me out and focusing on him. I can't spend the energy imagining how that's going, so I have to assume it's wonderful and fantastic and they're on their second honeymoon and I'm completely out of the picture.

[elaine567]

Speak to your landlord about it. I am sure he/she won't mind as long as it is a proper locksmith who does the job, and you pay for it.

[elaine567]

..and he gets copy keys...

[whichwayisup]

Deep down I'm of course hoping for the future. I think it's realistically impossible to actually stop hoping. But I'm moving forward as if there is none, telling myself what I have to, even if it's a lie or exaggeration. I can't afford to fall back into this.

 

Get out of the habit of giving yourself that hope. You ended the A, she is NOT divorcing, ever. Hanging onto hope gives you a reason to not let go of her and fully grieve the loss. You do NOT want to be longing for her, having hope of you two being together in a year from now. That's such a waste of your energy and thought pattern...

[carhill]

Yep, save any hope for hoping you live a long life with a lot of opportunities to love and be loved. This was one and it went sideways. On to the next.

[dubliner]

Tough to answer. It was a long drawn out conversation. I told her I was dropping off a box of stuff outside her place but got stuck in traffic and she was waiting for me. I was initially brusque, letting her cry into me and telling her she'll be fine. She said she had been seeing a therapist about what was going on and it was the therapist's suggestion that she'll never feel "clean" about our relationship if she still felt there were lingering doubts about her marriage and her chances of saving it. With the influence of the wedding they just attended, she believes she made commitments and promises to someone who's given her everything, including a second and third chance. I can understand that and I don't fault her for it. He's been in her life for 17 years; me less than 1. But I was unwilling to wait around while she figured things out. She said she understood and didn't want me to, but that ending the marriage "well" is part of working towards a relationship with me. It's been incredibly difficult to get that out of my head, but I have to discount it in order to move forward.

 

We've been completely out of contact for three weeks at this point. She blocked on Facebook and I've blocked all her various websites and social media platforms in case of moments of weakness. The one thing I can't figure out how to get rid of is Spotify though, where I see her listening to what I'm listening to and creating playlists about the dissolution of our relationship. I am worried because she does have a key to my place but I'm not willing to contact her to tell her to throw it away in case it leads to an extended conversation.

 

Deep down I'm of course hoping for the future. I think it's realistically impossible to actually stop hoping. But I'm moving forward as if there is none, telling myself what I have to, even if it's a lie or exaggeration. I can't afford to fall back into this.

 

Ending the marriage 'well', obligation to the spouse for being there giving her chance after chance, sudden light bulb realisation that she made a commitment? sounds like player talk to me..working towards a relationship with you? I remember that one from CM, years of 'working towards' and never actually getting there. move on, accept there is no 'hope', she knows she was never leaving, she doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' but too bad..she already is.

[OldRover]

Bone,

 

You've been with this girl for less than a year and still in the honeymoon stage and true love has yet to develop. You CAN forget about her and it shouldn't be that hard with such a short relationship.

 

She's got 17year with the husband that sounds like he's treated her pretty well, and she obviously care at some point in time.... I'm betting that they will end up together and solve their problems, unless she's a serial cheater, in which case she could cause you even more harm if you ended up with her.

[minime13]

Only problem is I rent. D'oh.

 

It's not a big issue. I don't think she will. I honestly believe she wants to do what she says. That includes shutting me out and focusing on him. I can't spend the energy imagining how that's going, so I have to assume it's wonderful and fantastic and they're on their second honeymoon and I'm completely out of the picture.

 

That's your own excuse. Landlords can and will change the lock (at your expense). Just tell them you lost the key and are worried.

[boneheadedmove]

Update 14 months later:

 

I've done a horrible job of getting past what happened and healing. At the very least, I hope someone who's struggling with no contact or the desire to be in an affair can learn something from my mistakes. It's just not worth it. Every relationship is different, but every affair is the same. It's still someone choosing another person over you.

 

We broke it off "for good" 14 months ago after her and her husband went to a wedding and she came back with a renewed responsibility to make their marriage work. I walked away, but despite my hurt and anger, I kept tabs on her through social media. It became an addiction. I couldn't go more than a day without looking and sometimes would check every half hour. Pinterest was my main drug. She would post quotes about losing the person who mattered most, undying love, reminiscences of memories or the way things were, hope for being reunited in the future. It drove me insane.

 

About two months after the break, I caught her driving by my house. I called her up and we had it out. Later that month, I found I had contracted HPV from her, and that led to another conversation. After that, every two to three months, I'd find a reason to reach out, usually in anger. The conversation was always the same: she loves me, she wants to be with me, but she has to see where her marriage goes and "make the right choice for myself." We ended up sleeping together twice during the in person exchanges, but nothing changed. These conversations and meetings were happening concurrently with my addiction to looking at her social media.

 

During this time, she blamed me for still being in her marriage, claiming that if I hadn't kept coming around it could have been over in six months. But every time I popped my head up, it took away her focus and reset things with him.

 

I call bull**** on that. I hadn't spoken to her since March, though I maintained my addiction. I come to find out she has also been stalking me online, listening to what I'm listening to on Spotify, liking pictures of mine that have been reposted by other accounts on Instagram. I wrote to her to leave me the hell alone, that she made her decision and has no right to be concerned with what I'm doing. This led to two weeks of email conversation, half argument, half loving exchanges. Which brings us to last Friday.

 

She had mentioned in an email that she got some bad news about family and it somehow involved us. She didn't want to talk about it over email so we met at my place on Friday. We didn't talk about it, instead made love and set up plans to meet each other later in the evening and walk around the city taking pictures. I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed every minute of it, falling right back into a comfortable situation. But I knew we still had to talk, and at least part of that conversation was going to be that we can't continue on.

 

She emailed me yesterday, asking if a party I threw on Sunday went well. I said I'm around today if you want to talk, I know what's coming and just want to get it over with. We met and she told me her mother-in-law has cancer. I didn't know it was possible to feel lower than I had been. I care nothing about her husband - he's an angry, abusive, dick-swinging cop - but I don't want him to feel more pain than he's already been through. She said that despite how messy their marriage is, she needs to be there for them and that delays her making a decision. I kinda don't even know the words to describe what it is I'm feeling. It's equal parts rage, sympathy, feeling used, confusion, anger at myself, selfishness... God knows what else.

 

I felt what I felt through all this. The emotions weren't wrong, but the situation and my actions were. I knowingly entered this with the expectation that I'll be hurt, and only a modicum of hope that it'd turn out in my favor. Self-abuse comes in all forms. I've never had a problem with drinking, drugs, or cutting. I've never slept around or gambled with my money. But I've set myself on a path to feel myself as less worthy than others, unlovable and useless.

[DKT3]

She has you right where she wants you, stuck. This women is using you as an escape from her life once in a while.

 

Simply put she is living her life with her family when she gets bored she slips over for a bit of drama and excitement then right back to family life. This is how she wants it, you are the one that has to change the dynamic.

[BuddyX]

She blamed you for being still married. Reread that again. And again. Nothing else to add here. You'll keep going back over and over again because you're weak and lack discipline.

 

"Don't ever make anyone a priority when your nothing but an option to them"

[DKT3]

She blamed you for being still married. Reread that again. And again. Nothing else to add here. You'll keep going back over and over again because you're weak and lack discipline.

 

"Don't ever make anyone a priority when your nothing but an option to them"

 

But he isn't an option,

 

He is what I get from read the story. The mw wants to be with her husband, I'm betting that because of her being caught the husband is very distant and likely angry. She likely feels bad about herself and then she comes sniffing around to get a rush from ops validation from ops desire for her. She gets her fix then maybe months of NC.

 

She stalks him because she wants to make sure he isn't moving on, nothing more. If you don't believe this OP, start posting about meeting a new woman and watch how quickly she turns on the switch of wanting to leave the marriage. Once she thinks your back under control off she goes again.

[BuddyX]

But he isn't an option,

 

He is what I get from read the story. The mw wants to be with her husband, I'm betting that because of her being caught the husband is very distant and likely angry. She likely feels bad about herself and then she comes sniffing around to get a rush from ops validation from ops desire for her. She gets her fix then maybe months of NC.

 

She stalks him because she wants to make sure he isn't moving on, nothing more. If you don't believe this OP, start posting about meeting a new woman and watch how quickly she turns on the switch of wanting to leave the marriage. Once she thinks your back under control off she goes again.

 

He thinks he's an option. That's why he keeps going back. But you're right, pics of other women on social media would do it.

[boneheadedmove]

Am I an option? Yes, but only when the more advantageous thing is gone. That's what hurts most. That I put so much faith in the perceived love of someone else, when all I ever really was was an escape and a back up plan.

 

I won't be posting pictures of another woman, real or imaginary to social media. Might it draw her out and prove what you say right? Probably. But I don't want that. I don't want any more contact with her.

 

I've been used and abandoned by the person I've had the deepest feelings for. She doesn't deserve me. Could she actually have the feelings for me she says she does and honestly be that conflicted? It's a possibility. But her actions and thought process are so twisted that any relationship we would have would be dangerous and unhealthy. And the truth of the matter is, she would probably do to me exactly what she did to her husband. She and I do not share the same definition of commitment. I've already wasted two years of my life on her, I'm not going to waste another day.

[BuddyX]

Are you sure about this? You think you're done with her?

Look I've seen this hundreds of times at a 90% failure rate. You know the people that survive this and go cold turkey? Are The ones who do not even mention the other person. They're too busy living life.

 

Going to the gym, Rock climbing, hunting, MMA, etc. And while you're doing all that stuff, post it on social media. Tell the rest of the world you're living life. And if that means posting couple pics of you and some females styling and profiling in a posh place, then go ahead.

 

This is about you-and getting your manhood back.

[loveisanaction]

Bonehead!...She you gave you HPV!!!! That alone should have been enough for you to have walked away. HPV is an STD that is forever, there is no cure for it, just medication to control the out breaks. From this point on any woman you date you will have to use protection on because you could pass the virus onto her. Listen to me! You will have outbreaks for the rest of your life.

 

WTH!

 

There are 25 females to every 1 male. Why on earth do you want another man's wife???

 

Please! For the love of everything in this world that is good, get rid of this woman.

 

Ask yourself, what good has she brought into your life? Great sex? There are millions of single and available (smoking hot) (non-cheaters) that will give you sex and will have you shivering from now until Christmas. Single women who will make your heart go so pitter-patter you will think that it's about to burst out of your chest. What is it that you think this woman can you give that single a woman can not?

 

Geez! I hate to be so strong but look around you. Women....good women are everywhere, waiting for a man like you to love them. Go out and find yourself one. Leave this married woman alone.

 

Please! If you won't do it for yourself..do it for the damn HPV that she gave to you!

[DKT3]

Bone, I also doubt you're done, two things that stand out 1) you say you won't be posting pictures with any woman even if real....why not? Rhetoric question. 2) you honestly believe you are an option for this woman. You are not. She has no kids, and way back you offered her a solution to her problem freeing her up to be with you, she picked her husband, a guy that she has convinced you is abusive.

 

Your life is in suspension while she lives hers, two years bro, how many awesome women have you missed out on while waiting and accepting crumbs from this one?

[boneheadedmove]

Does anyone hear listen or does everyone just wait their turn to be right?

 

I've just said I'm done with her. I gave my reasons why I don't want to post pictures on social media. I don't want to be doing anything as a result or that affects her. Not because I want to spare her from any potential pain or seal off an opportunity to be with her, but because she cannot be my reason to do or not do anything. I will do what I want for myself when I'm ready. I'm not in this for vindication, I'm in this to get out of the self-destructive path I've been on.

 

I will not be with this woman because I do not trust her and she will do the same thing to me that she did to him.