Bf's Secret "Single" Online Profile

[SFJD]

Hello, I am in need of advice. I don't know what to do. First off, I have been seeing this guy, a cop, for about 16 mos now. I met him approx one month after he got out of a 2 yr long relationship. We immidiately hit it off. 2 mos into our dating he received a call from his ex informing him that she was 4 mos pregnant with his son (baby was conceived when they were still together). I told him to try it with his ex again, for the baby's sake, but we both cared deeply for one another and I stayed with him. His son is approx 9 mos old now. My Bf always wants me to come with him when he visits his baby boy, and tries to include me. I love his baby boy and have stood by my BF's side, despite the fact that its hard on me that he has a baby with another woman. My bf and his ex deal with one another thru email regarding visitation and have an OK relationship. Anyway, around the time his son was born my BF's sex drive decreased. He was in a depression, his life was changing he was confused. I tried to be patient, but I felt rejected by his lack of intimacy. He was still affectionate, and wanted to cuddle etc. He told me he didn't know what was wrong, maybe he was getting old (he's only 30, I'm 25), but assured me that he was still attracted to me. I dunno. Anyway, now several mos later I had a feeling something was up, and snooped around. I found that he had a secret profile on Friendster.com, Myspace.com (online communities) saying that he was single and wanted to meet people that were down to earth and friendly. The thing is, I have a profile on these sites too which states that Im in a relationship, and he has another profile (one that he has shared with me) which states that he is in a relationship as well, and has our picture up. The fact that he has a second, secret profile which says he single upsets me. He has 7 friends on his profile, all are women. He logs onto the profile regularly (i know b/c myspace tells when the user logs on). What is he trying to do? I think he may have spoken with these women on the phone as well as exchange messages. I want to know what is going on. He tells me he loves me and includes me in all aspects of his life. I see him 5-6 days out of the week. Am I just the main GF among others? I want to confront him, but I am scared he will explain himself out of it, and another secret profile will pop up elsewhere, so therefore I have been monitoring things, collecting evidence. It has been soo hard keeping quiet about this when I'm with him, but I want to see his true colors. I am considering getting a keylogger to monitor his PC, but the ethical concerns about his privacy are stopping me. What do I do? Thanks for your time

[Donut]

I say run...........before you get any more entangled with him.

 

If not, confront him with what you have found and see what he has to say.......and then run.

 

He'll probably try to deflect any anger onto you, saying you shouldn't be snooping, but really he shouldn't have this profile should he?

 

Why did he and his ex split up?

[SFJD]

I'm not sure why he broke up with his ex. They were on again and off again. I love this guy. It's not that easy to run away when you love someone so much. We've been thru alot together. This guy is practically apart of my life. His area of patrol is my neighborhood. I see him before work, and after work alot of times, just b/c he is always in the area. I know his family, friends, we all get along. We carry on to the world that we are a committed couple. But privately, he has 3 secret profiles that I'm unaware of. I have told him that I sense something is up, but he denies it and then says things about me "you're the one w/ soo much free time, you have guys (they are freinds) calling you etc. " Maybe he thinks I'm playing on him, maybe he is insecure so he figures he better look out for himself too and have these profiles as backup? I have also said that I would "find other men" since his sexual appetite decreased, but I said that once out of frustration, and apologized. He can't seem to forget that instance. To everyone else I come across so devoted, always there for him and his son. I want to save our relationship, but not sure what to do. I really want to confront him, but If I do, he will probably get smarter and hide his profiles better. I have been trying to cope with it privately and montior things till I get strong evidence of unfaithfulness. To him I come across as always unhappy, complaining (partly b/c this whole situation is making me unhappy). He tells me he loves me and is affectionate with me. I don't know. What do u think? My plan was to try and act happy (work on our relationship) and see if that affects how often he checks these profiles.

[Donut]

"Act happy" if you must, but that's not the answer. What's the point if you're the only one who knows and is trying? You'll be wasting your energy.

 

There's far too much secrecy and un-necessary turmoil in this relationship, for one thing.

 

You're not going to like my answer, but I think you should confront him with it and be strong at the very least.

 

Read the other threads on this forum about this, there's plenty of them!!

[SFJD]

Thanks for your replies Donut. I agree with you. I want to confront him. I can't wait any longer. It's killing me. But I'm scared of the outcome, I'm scared of the consequences. I don't want to lose this guy, and keep finding excuses for him, but I know I can't be happy in a relationship if my partner is going to have secret single profiles. Do you think this is something that can be worked out? I dont understand, I thought everything was ok b/w us. We just literally spent the last 4 days together (his days off), visiting his son, going to the movies, zoo etc. He was caring and affectionate and telling me he loved me. Everything in our relationship is ok (except for his decreased desire for sex) and I really do believe him when he says he loves me, but then again, he may be a good liar b/c after all he hid this profile from me. Do you think I should email the women on his profile page and ask them about the nature of their relationship with my BF? Right now I'm sure its platonic, but I want answers. I dunno if I should b/c I may come across as psycho and possessive. But at this point, I sorta don't care, and just want to know the truth. How should I confront him?

[Donut]

He wouldn't be keeping this a secret from you if he just wants platonic women friends. It's like a back door out of your relationship, so he can exit when he see's fit. He is not fully loving you to be doing this.

 

He can say he loves you all he wants, and be affectionate, but is he truly backing it up with his actions??

 

Don't ask these other women, right now, just tell him that you know he's got secret profiles, then let him do the talking. You might find he digs himself a big hole trying to explain it. Listen very carefully when he does give you his reasons, don't fall for any baloney!

 

I know you'll only get out of this relationship when you have had enough, or when he does take the back door, but I urge you to strongly consider ending it. If you are constantly waiting for things to be different, and waiting for the day it'll magically improve, you'll be in for a long wait. A relationship takes two people making an effort, being reassured in each others love and being respectful to each other, and I'm sorry but it seems to be one-sided at this point.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Are the secret "single" profiles on the same sites as his "in a relationship" profiles he has shared with you? If so, the "single" profiles on the same sites as the "in a relationship" profiles he has shared with you are AT MINIMUM backup plans for him. It also shows deception and dishonesty on his part. I was going to make an excuse for him, and ask you if you were sure if they were not old profiles that may have existed before your relationship, but you pretty much took care of that excuse by saying he logged into them regularly. I was going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and argue that perhaps he just forgot to change his status from "single" to "in a relationship" on these profiles which he may have created some time ago, but if he has "in a relationship" profiles on the same sites that he HAS told you about, I do smell a rat.

 

As for putting a keylogger on his computer, it would tell you all that you need to know, but I also have some ethical/moral problem with that (I'm going to assume you share a computer with him, and that the computer is your property, so that there are no legal problems). If you find yourself in a relationship with someone you need to do that with, perhaps it is time to get out of that relationship. If you are 95% sure you are currently being lied to, and need to be 100% before ending the relationship, then perhaps it is an option, but if you are that sure, do you really need the other 5%? It's a judgment call. The only time I have actively advised someone to do that was when someone was in a long-term marriage, and knew she had been cheated on in the past, and needed to know if an affair had truly been stopped as promised when she had reason to believe it might still be going on. Whether you do that, is up to you. If I felt the need to bug someone's computer use, I would probably just end the relationship rather than do that, honestly. Still, then you would know. I certainly would not judge you either way if you decided to do it, but like I said, it is up to you.

 

I'm just curious. When he tries to include you with visiting his son (and the ex), etc. do you take him up on that offer? As a side note, if you want it to work with him, you should not miss a chance to spend time with him and his son.

 

The secret profiles, coupled with the greatly decreased sex drive, suggests to me that there may be something going on. You need to confront him about this (if you do not plan to put a keylogger on the computer). If he gets that "OMG, deer caught in the headlights look" (you know the look), or if he tries to shift the subject, or start talking about your behavior, then you should probably end the relationship, because at minimum, he has been being deliberately dishonest with you and is not even remorseful enough about it to come clean. If he calmy explains reasons why those profiles are there, and if those reasons make sense to you (I can't imagine what good reasons could be if they are on the same sites as the "in a relationship" profiles he has shared with you), then hear him out. If he admits wrongdoing, and tries to apologize, at least he is not trying to continue to lie about it or shift blame to you, and maybe you want to give him another chance - or maybe you dont. That is totally your call.

 

Let us know what happens about what you decide to do to find out, or when and if you decide to confront him. Good luck.

[SFJD]

Thank you so much you guys for listening to me and giving me some advice. Reading your posts really help me.

 

His secret profiles are on the same sites as his "in a relationship" profile. We both have profiles on these sites, although I don't have a secret "single" profile. These are sites that I told him about, they are not dating sites per se, but online communities where you put up a profile and can add buddies to your page (friendster.com, myspace.com) He started his profile in the middle of January and has not added many friends to it. His profile really doesn't say much either and is not fully developed. I thought this was a good thing b/c he's had this profile for 3 mos and there are only 6 girls to his "friends list". But then again I guess you really don't need a descriptive profile, he can still search for girls and describe himself thru messages.

 

My BF always asks me to come with him to visit his son and I always go. Why would he ask me to spend time with his son when he was thinking of breaking up with me right? We pick his son up from the babysitter and have about 3 hours with him 3 times a week (per visitation order). We even call his son "baby bear". My BF is "bear", so his son is "baby bear". So this is how it goes, we wake up early and he drives 45 minutes to the babysitter's to pick up his son in the late morning, we have lunch, run errands at the mall pushing him in a stroller (his son is 9 mos), or go to a kids center where we can have more one-one interaction (watch him crawl on mats, read books). Afterwards I drive back, b/c my BF is tired and has to work later. I take him to his work which is like 8 minutes away from my home. Thats our routine. After work we have dinner and go to a movie. So basically, I am with this guy soo much that he does not have time to physically meet women. Lately though I have acted a little bit w/drawn from his son and he asked "how come it seems like you don't wanna play with baby bear?" I said b/c I'm scared if we break up then I'll lose 2 people in my life. And he said "don't say that, we're not going to break up etc...and other BsBsBs" But what else was he supposed to say, he can't say "ya, we're not gonna break up yet b/c I haven't found anyone on the internet yet to replace you" Anyway, when he says sweet things like that I belive them b/c I want to. He still acts the same, holds my hand, takes me wherever he goes. We spend sooo much time together, but I guess he's still figuring things out for himself.

 

I gave this guy my virginity and I'm 25. He was with me for 10 mos w/o intercourse (although we made out and all that) and he never pressured me for sex. That has to mean something. Now I'm the one who always wants to be intimate and he says "hey, there's more to a relationship than sex, lets cuddle." He's not in the mood as much. We have been intimate, but its usually me initiating it and it sucks. I do all the work, don't get much satisfaction, and he conks out afterwards. We haven't really meshed sexually, partly b/c I'm inexperienced and maybe that's affected his sex drive, maybe that has turned him off. On a few occasions, only a few, I let out my frustration in a negative way by saying "I'm gonna meet other men... You're not a real man" but I apologized and cleared things up. He never really forgot those instances, and maybe he's afraid that I will meet other people and so he's trying to beat me to the punch. He always says, you're the one with all the free time, how do I know you're not chatting or going out with men.

 

He's a cop, I'm going to be a lawyer (taking the bar exam in July) I should've already had my law license b/c I graduated from law school last May, but his son was born and that totally through off my concentration. Maybe he's keepn me around b/c of my potential for success (good family, good education, great career potential). I need to focus on myself, but its hard b/c I'm so attached to this man. Apart from the sex thing, we get along well in all other aspects. I guess I need to confront him for my own sanity, b/c I can't live this double life acting like all is well when its not. Thanks for listening guys, I know it was a long message, guess I just needed to vent.

[curiousnycgirl]

You mentioned that he's upset because you are always unhappy. That is your opening to have a discussion about this. I do not thing you should "confront" him, but rather explain why you have been unhappy.

 

You need to be able to regain your trust in this man otherwise there is no hope for the relationship - period full stop.

 

I had a similar situation with my b/f a few months ago. Our sex life had dwindled to nothing, he was always affectionate and cuddly and he said we were more than just sex. Then I saw his profile was turned back on, on the web site where we met. My therapist and several friends told me to just stop speaking with him.

 

That lasted about a week and I was totally miserable - cried my eyes out, etc. He sent emails and text messges, but I just kept quiet.

 

One night I came home at 9:30 pm and he was sitting in my lobby waiting for me - he wanted to talk. We had a very long heart to heart and totally cleared the air.

 

In my case he had a hacker (which I already knew about) who had turned his profile on. I would not have believed this, but when I logged on to show him, the web site said he was online at that moment, and then said he had logged out - all while he sat on my couch!

 

I am not saying that will be the case in your situation - that is a rare thing, but it is absolutely critical to be open and honest. Do not let your suspicions get the best of you.

 

Whatever the outcome of your talk it will be for the best. You need to clear the air and if you find you cannot regain your trust in him, then you will need to end it.

 

However the best may happen, you guys may come to a new understanding and your relationship will be the better for it.

 

Please let us know how it goes.

[innerconflict]

I can SOOOOO relate to your situation. I was with someone who did alot of things your bf is doing. When I went to bed, he would stay up late and chat on the computer. At first, I didn't think much about it. But as time went by, I became more and more suspicious.

 

One day, while cleaning out the history, I came across an online greeting card. It was to my bf from another girl. It was a bit flirtatious. I purchased a keylogger and installed it. That's when I found out my bf was chatting with women, acting like he was single and ready to mingle. Once I gathered enough evidence, I confronted him. He promised not to do again, and he stopped going into chatrooms. But as time went on, I realized that my ex was a lying and cheating SOB.

 

Like you, at the time, I loved him....but I couldn't handle him doing things behind my back. So I broke up with him. I have since learned that he has done this in his past, and he will continue to do it in his future. I am glad that I broke up with him and now with someone who is such an awesome partner.