Broke NC :/

[jwi71]

It is not any way to live. The only way to live and get past this is to lock him out of your life forever - not to play this game. Because it never ends unless you end it. Please believe me.

 

This right here.

 

Print it, tape it to your door or tattoo it to your forehead. Both. Paint on your bedroom ceiling. Whatever it takes to NOT forget this.

 

Get your head out of this game. You are, in essence, defining yourself in terms of HIM. NEVER a good thing - especially in an A.

 

Don't sweat too much breaking NC - not the first ans sure as h_ll wont be the last. You made it 5 weeks. Lets shoot for 7 this time around. And when you hit 7, we wont call or break NC - we'll shoot for 8. Then 9. And before you know it it'll be like 6 months.

 

Then he won't f_cking matter anymore.

 

Life is in front of you - stop living in the past.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks everyone. The hurt is still so fresh and new again, I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Today, I just got to work. We do work together a tiny bit, and I need to resist reaching out to him under the guise of work. And I need to resist reaching out to him at all because... that's a bad idea. I'm telling myself that I *cannot* make myself look even more desperate than I have. I opened the door, and I got my answer: not interested.

 

Hopefully this pride will keep me from doing so, and reinstitute NC. At least this time, there wont be the "what ifs". I had always wondered if he missed me, and was only sticking to NC if I told him to (and if I did, he would stick to NC forever. I know him. He likes being a "man" and never backing down from his word). But now that I know he's not interested even after I broke NC... then theres my answer.

 

Ugh, it's going to be a long day.

[sunburned]

Rainbow, just wishing you a good day and a STRONG day ahead. The advice you received here on moving forward is so spot on. I can only reiterate. I endured a similar situation more than a year and a half ago. EA with some "light" physical. Both married. I became "addicted" to the friendship (constant communication that involved telling me how awesome I was). After a bit of an argument and a lot of me thinking "what's the point anyway," we went NC. He broke it after a few weeks and it was instant relief to the non-stop anxiety/panic I'd felt. The problem is that relief feels so good, you want more. So we had a brief period of LC. Of course it wasn't the same as when we were in the throes of the A. I wanted more, but again "what was the point." I'd get short answers or "i'm so busy." I finally just went NC and stayed that way. It was really hard, really painful for 3 or 4 mos. It got easier after that. I don't miss him AT ALL anymore.

 

You're pondering in this thread about losing your power, losing face, losing control, etc. He's probably thinking the same. He wants his "man" power back which is why he's all but ignoring you. He's getting even with you. Don't initiate and don't respond. Don't look for another grand "closure" discussion. They don't work. If it's a happy discussion, you'll just want to continue the A (as in after your recent meeting). If it's an unhappy discussion, you're just left low and wondering. You got your answer at your recent in person meeting. He told you he missed you. He was excited to see you. That's the take-home message. What's happened since then is game playing. Stop playing for good. Don't go running when he sends you some sweet text about missing you and wanting to have lunch. Go out on top (again). It makes the A recovery so much easier.

[Ifalltopieces]

You can do this!!!! Remember a few things, he is strongest when he knows you are weakest. He expects to see you at work, looking sad, hanging your head, looking distraught. Smile, hold your head high, act like nothing is wrong (even if you have to go in the bathroom and gather yourself) DO NOT let him see you down. Your weakness empowers him. I promise you, if he sees you looking happy and enjoying your day, it's going to throw him off and make him wonder. Curiosity will kill the cat and dont be surprised if he doesn't reach out.

 

One more thing, you frequently state he's a man of his word...how can that be true when he gave his word to his wife, took vows and broke them? You have more power than you think, you just gotta find it and keep it!!!

 

I'll be thinking about you today....keep us posted on how it goes and good luck!!!!!

[Rainbow00]

Aw, thanks everyone. Reading those words of encouragement and reality checks really helps today. I'm feeling pretty low because I feel rejected and also because I feel stupid for inviting him in and giving him the power. I know I participated in an EA and I stupidly reopened the door for it. But it is very comforting to hear your words and your experiences.

 

The worst part is I do still have a glimmer of hope that he will reach out to me still. during our last meeting when he was excited to see me he said he would text me, he would let me know when he's free so we can hang out. And then yesterday just really threw me for a tailspin. Ugh, it makes me so mad. And today I saw him briefly and he gave me a passing "hi". What the heck. I want off of this stupid roller coaster game of emotions. I bet he's happy he has the power again. What a twat.

 

seeing him still did make my heart sink though

[Rainbow00]

I hate that deep down I still am hoping he will reach out today. that he will apologize for blowing me off yesterday. That I hold my breath a tiny bit when checking my phone. I can't squash this hope and it hurts every time I see he hasn't. I don't know why I can't get my mind to really not hope for it. Logically I know he won't. Even his cold demeanor this morning reinforces that.

 

I am so tempted to text him and ask him wtf is going on. I don't think I will but I'm so tempted. No answer would really satisfy me anyway. But I still want to know what he would say.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Rainbow00

[BrokenPrincess]

He probably won't say anything and then imagine how much worse you'll feel. DO NOT TEXT HIM

 

Sit on your hands, go to the bathroom, see if a coworker will go to lunch with you. Whatever you need to do. You can do this xxx

[SleekArchitecture]

Do not reach out. You will look ultra desperate and that is the hugest turn off. Look back a how badly he has treated you, look out for you. You are more worried about this jerk than you are about yourself.

 

I know it is difficult but read the articles: Signs a man is in love with you. Signs a man is beginning to love you. Nothing he has done points to anything in any of these articles. Yes, he may throw bread crumbs out to keep you on the back burner, but that will keep you on the never ending cycle of feeling the slight ups but huge downs.

 

You are better than that.

[Chasing_mya]

Rainbow not sure of all the details on your situation, if he's married it's probably a step back that he took by having contact with you. He's probably in conflict with trying to do the right thing and having you in his life just set him back and caused all sorts of emotions to arise. Its hurtful when you reach out and don't get a respond. I know easier said than done but try NC again. To continue on like this will only give you more disappointments. Wishing you the best!

[Rainbow00]

Can someone squash my hope for me please? Tell me not to keep hoping he will somebiw reach out? I get a flutter of excitement when I think that just maybe he will say something. I just keep hanging on to our meeting last week when he said he would. But clearly more recent actions say absolutely otherwise. I'm still so tempted.

 

Also does anyone have a link to anyone's story I can read to give myself a reality check? Hope shimmers I heard was a difficult one to go through? I need some inspiration perhaps. Feeling so desperate and weak.

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow not sure of all the details on your situation, if he's married it's probably a step back that he took by having contact with you. He's probably in conflict with trying to do the right thing and having you in his life just set him back and caused all sorts of emotions to arise. Its hurtful when you reach out and don't get a respond. I know easier said than done but try NC again. To continue on like this will only give you more disappointments. Wishing you the best!

 

 

 

I know he mentioned him and his wife were going to try counseling when we implemented NC about a month ago. Maybe that's why he's acting like this, trying to recommit to his wife. But then that meeting last week really threw me off and Grr... Whatever. Asshat.

[Chasing_mya]

He's trying to recommit so do him & yourself the favor and allow him to fix what he has at home. Allow him to lead a truthful life with no disruptions on your end. If you reach out you'll look desperate and it will only push him further away. He met up with you last week because he had a weak moment. He's going through the motions of this affair also and is doing the best he can to over come it. I know it hurts and you want nothing more than to reach out but the line has been crossed and now so much has changed which you have to account for. Don't be a glutton for punishment sweety, its not a good look.

[SleekArchitecture]

Can someone squash my hope for me please? Tell me not to keep hoping he will somebiw reach out? I get a flutter of excitement when I think that just maybe he will say something. I just keep hanging on to our meeting last week when he said he would. But clearly more recent actions say absolutely otherwise. I'm still so tempted.

 

Also does anyone have a link to anyone's story I can read to give myself a reality check? Hope shimmers I heard was a difficult one to go through? I need some inspiration perhaps. Feeling so desperate and weak.

 

Rainbow no one can do what you ask, make you feel something. You have to begin by connecting authentically with yourself and figure out why you are dependent on this man for self validation and worth. Love should be fun, feel good, and add happiness to your life but not be the sole reason you feel it.

 

Once you grasp this self realization can you then feel such high esteem, that constantly checking the phone, feeling of being out of control if there is no reciprocal contact will not be so painstaking. Why hand him all this power over you?

 

You can do it. Since i blocked the ex, I do not question when a message comes through, a call, or email, if it is him or not because it is not of so much importance to me to place him above my own well-being.

 

I agree what the poster mentioned about the dysfunctional cycles of highs and lows. It is not healthy and usually these lopsided relationships do not fare very well in the end.

[Rainbow00]

I don't know why I can't accept and see this for what it is. He blew me off yesterday and has made zero attempt to contact me today. Despite what he said when we met up last week. I still feel the panic subside slightly and my heart lift a little when I thibk, maybe at the end of the day today he will reach out. Maybe he's just very busy. But he's not, and it wouldn't take much just for a quick text hello anyway. I can't block his number because he works with me and he is in a superior role (not my manager) if he calls for something work related.

 

I was just so excited last week, things seemed so promising. Then came crashing back down yday and today. Sorry for all the whining posts, I'm using this as an outlet at work to keep myself from reaching out.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't know why I can't accept and see this for what it is. He blew me off yesterday and has made zero attempt to contact me today. Despite what he said when we met up last week. I still feel the panic subside slightly and my heart lift a little when I thibk, maybe at the end of the day today he will reach out. Maybe he's just very busy. But he's not, and it wouldn't take much just for a quick text hello anyway. I can't block his number because he works with me and he is in a superior role (not my manager) if he calls for something work related.

 

You met up last week after 5 weeks of NC. Then you start bombarding the guy immediately as if you're going to pick up where you left off.

 

Did you ever think maybe you just come off as too needy?

 

Maybe if you just played it cool and confident, you'd get a response from him.

 

He said he wanted to see you again, and you just started blowing up his phone. C'mon.

 

I'm not saying stay in your affair. I think you should go full NC because obviously you can't handle being in an affair emotionally.

 

You sound like a bunny boiler. I'm sure you are not, but you are coming off that way.

[SleekArchitecture]

You met up last week after 5 weeks of NC. Then you start bombarding the guy immediately as if you're going to pick up where you left off.

 

Did you ever think maybe you just come off as too needy?

 

Maybe if you just played it cool and confident, you'd get a response from him.

 

He said he wanted to see you again, and you just started blowing up his phone. C'mon.

 

I'm not saying stay in your affair. I think you should go full NC because obviously you can't handle being in an affair emotionally.

 

You sound like a bunny boiler. I'm sure you are not, but you are coming off that way.

 

Rainbow I thought this was Rainbow00 answering and talking to herself. I was was really worried for a sec.

[Rainbow00]

Haha, I feel a little unhinged lately.

 

Rainbow love, I do recognize I probably came off needy. It was a rush of feeling better and a hope that things could start to be okay again. I'm having a very weak couple of days and doing things I know make me look weak and stupid and desperate. I am trying to post here instead of allowing myself to do something stupid and reach out again.

[aliveagain]

Why don't you stop trying to take things that belong to other people. Maybe you should try working on your own marriage. I think he is being very clear, he's telling you to get lost.

[whatatangledweb]

Are you wanting to be his friend or restart your affair? I ask because friends don't expect another friend to contact them every day. He doesn't seem to want to be in the affair again. You reaching out again will most likely get the same results. Either no answer or a cold one.

[Rainbow00]

Tangled web, honestly I wanted to restart the EA. As background, both my H and I are on the same page... We are simply roommates. He goes out with other women etc and I do too. We really only function together practically to run the house and pay the bills. So I am not getting emotional fulfillment from him and we are both ok with how things are. I don't expect MM to contact me every day but I immaturely thought after a weekend of not speaking it would be nice to chat with him on monday. Obviously that was not reciprocated. I was confused because last week it very much did seem like he wanted to continue being in the EA with what he said but this weeks actions speak louder. I won't reach out again. Just sad today.

[Riri90]

Are you wanting to be his friend or restart your affair? I ask because friends don't expect another friend to contact them every day. He doesn't seem to want to be in the affair again. You reaching out again will most likely get the same results. Either no answer or a cold one.

 

Yes, I wasn't to clear on the bolded...do you want to be friends again or just start back up the EA? It does sound like you are trying to restart the affair and like the poster above stated maybe an affair isn't what he wants...maybe he just wants to be on friendly terms. I only talk to exMM a couple times a week, I don't feel the need to respond to him daily because if we are only friends, then I don't have to and neither does he. Like I said before he is managing your expectations

 

Like Rainbowlove said... you should have played it cool, you showed your ace card/intentions way too fast. If anything you should have eased into this, made him feel safe again and you probably would have gotten better results...

 

But I do not suggest any of the above since the end goal is to restart your affair. I don't think in your currently super emotional state, that you can handle the affair rollercoaster anymore. You are already flipping out on him not responding for one day. What will you do if you get close again and he pulls away again?

[whichwayisup]

I'm telling myself that I *cannot* make myself look even more desperate than I have. I opened the door, and I got my answer: not interested.

Focus on that 100%!

 

Find your courage and self love/respect, do everything you can to NOT reach out to him. Don't chase him/contact him, you are better than that! You don't need him at all. You're totally fine without him.

 

Don't be afraid of feeling pain, grieve the loss, allow yourself to cry and go through the process of letting go. It's going to be okay!

 

post here anytime you feel the urge to contact him.

[Riri90]

Tangled web, honestly I wanted to restart the EA. As background, both my H and I are on the same page... We are simply roommates. He goes out with other women etc and I do too. We really only function together practically to run the house and pay the bills. So I am not getting emotional fulfillment from him and we are both ok with how things are. I don't expect MM to contact me every day but I immaturely thought after a weekend of not speaking it would be nice to chat with him on monday. Obviously that was not reciprocated. I was confused because last week it very much did seem like he wanted to continue being in the EA with what he said but this weeks actions speak louder. I won't reach out again. Just sad today.

 

So what do you expect from him as far as in an EA? Now you say that you are ok just talking to him here and there, soon it will be that you want to talk everyday, then it will be that you want to see him here and there, then it will be you want to see him everyday, soon you will be right back where you started. You will be back in the place that forced you to choose NC.

 

You think you can handle a little bit of him now because you are desperate for any part of him...but soon it won't be enough and you will want more of him and more and more until you back him into the same the wall as before...

 

This isn't healthy for you OR him...especially if he has stated his intentions to work on his marriage...you could appear as the aggressor.

[Rainbow00]

So what do you expect from him as far as in an EA? Now you say that you are ok just talking to him here and there, soon it will be that you want to talk everyday, then it will be that you want to see him here and there, then it will be you want to see him everyday, soon you will be right back where you started. You will be back in the place that forced you to choose NC.

 

You think you can handle a little bit of him now because you are desperate for any part of him...but soon it won't be enough and you will want more of him and more and more until you back him into the same the wall as before...

 

This isn't healthy for you OR him...especially if he has stated his intentions to work on his marriage...you could appear as the aggressor.

 

 

Right now? I expect nothing. I expect NC unless it work related. I had hoped after our conversation last week that the EA would be similar to what it was during the happiest time of the EA, which was talking 2-3 times a week, but talking like close friends. Like telling each other things most people didn't know about. Like struggles in the marriage, hopes and dreams, that kind of thing. Texting sporadically throughout the week.

I'm getting used to the idea that this is it. I do feel more closure than I did during NC because there's no what ifs. His rejection hurts but that is definitive and done.

[Rainbow00]

Well, day is over and nothing from him. I thought maybe he wouldn't be so cruel to lead me on like that last week and then completely 180 on me yesterday. Actions speak louder than words! Wish I didn't break NC, now I have to start counting the weeks all over again.