Broke NC :/

[Rainbowlove]

Do yourself a favor and block him completely.

 

Get yourself off the roller coaster.

[Rainbow00]

Do yourself a favor and block him completely.

 

Get yourself off the roller coaster.

 

I can't block him on my phone; my personal phone is also my work phone (on my business card etc). I could tell him NC again and I know he wouldn't reach out so it's the same as blocking him but I don't want to initiate any further contact. It was easier during the last NC though as I knew he wouldn't be contacting me so I wouldn't have to get my hopes up checking my phone.

[Rainbow00]

"Proud" to say that I went through the entire day without contacting him! I'm hoping each day gets easier, not harder. If he didn't reach out today to apologize, then the chances of him doing so diminish each day, so I won't be as hopeful anymore (I hope).

 

I also bought "Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact - A Woman's Survival Guide to Mastering A Breakup and Taking Back Her Power". I'm going to start reading it now. I don't really like the title as it implies that you are only going NC for the ultimate goal of "getting" back the guy. The end goal should be being indifferent WITHOUT the guy, no? It got good reviews though, so I'm giving it a shot.

[Hope Shimmers]

"Proud" to say that I went through the entire day without contacting him! I'm hoping each day gets easier, not harder. If he didn't reach out today to apologize, then the chances of him doing so diminish each day, so I won't be as hopeful anymore (I hope).

 

I also bought "Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact - A Woman's Survival Guide to Mastering A Breakup and Taking Back Her Power". I'm going to start reading it now. I don't really like the title as it implies that you are only going NC for the ultimate goal of "getting" back the guy. The end goal should be being indifferent WITHOUT the guy, no? It got good reviews though, so I'm giving it a shot.

 

Rainbow (I'm having trouble keeping Rainbow posts straight - hopefully I have read everything right),

 

Here is your problem: If he didn't reach out today to apologize, then the chances of him doing so diminish each day, so I won't be as hopeful anymore (I hope)

 

This is not what NC is about. NC is about keeping YOUR power, not adjusting to his behavior. From what you wrote, it seems that you are doing NC because he didn't reach out, but if (when) he reaches out you will be there.

 

Believe me, I understand the panic you are feeling (and that is a good word for it - panic - it's the word I used for myself and the only word that applied).

 

What you have done is what I did - and that is to give all your power to another individual. Worse yet, he is an individual who is more worried about himself and his marriage/life than he is worried about you. There is no 'win' for you in that situation. Trust me, rather than waste years of your life on this. Please.

 

There are books out there on relationship addiction. I've read several. You are addicted to contact from him, and the relationship. It's not love. You need to break the pattern and the addiction. Your entire self-being and self-esteem and happiness are dependent on what he does or doesn't do and whether he contacts you.

 

You HAVE to stop this. I don't think you will, at least right now (I hope I'm wrong) because you seem to be very far lost from your posts. I can tell you that there is NO good to ever come of this, and you need to think of the long-term and not about how you feel today, tomorrow, or the next day.

 

It's very hard. You need to cut him out and that means YOU are in control. If he contacts you (and he will - for an ego boost, not because he wants to be with you), then you STILL do not reply. You do not EVER reply to him.

 

How do you do this? A lot of courage and strength and self-love. You have it in you. You are better than this. You take it one second, one minute, one hour, then one day at a time. You don't have to think about 'forever' right now where he is concerned. Just think about it in tiny little bits of time until you make it past one bit, and then the next, and then the next. I promise it gets easier, and I promise that if you do this, you will get your life back.

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow (I'm having trouble keeping Rainbow posts straight - hopefully I have read everything right),

 

Here is your problem: If he didn't reach out today to apologize, then the chances of him doing so diminish each day, so I won't be as hopeful anymore (I hope)

 

This is not what NC is about. NC is about keeping YOUR power, not adjusting to his behavior. From what you wrote, it seems that you are doing NC because he didn't reach out, but if (when) he reaches out you will be there.

 

Believe me, I understand the panic you are feeling (and that is a good word for it - panic - it's the word I used for myself and the only word that applied).

 

What you have done is what I did - and that is to give all your power to another individual. Worse yet, he is an individual who is more worried about himself and his marriage/life than he is worried about you. There is no 'win' for you in that situation. Trust me, rather than waste years of your life on this. Please.

 

There are books out there on relationship addiction. I've read several. You are addicted to contact from him, and the relationship. It's not love. You need to break the pattern and the addiction. Your entire self-being and self-esteem and happiness are dependent on what he does or doesn't do and whether he contacts you.

 

You HAVE to stop this. I don't think you will, at least right now (I hope I'm wrong) because you seem to be very far lost from your posts. I can tell you that there is NO good to ever come of this, and you need to think of the long-term and not about how you feel today, tomorrow, or the next day.

 

It's very hard. You need to cut him out and that means YOU are in control. If he contacts you (and he will - for an ego boost, not because he wants to be with you), then you STILL do not reply. You do not EVER reply to him.

 

How do you do this? A lot of courage and strength and self-love. You have it in you. You are better than this. You take it one second, one minute, one hour, then one day at a time. You don't have to think about 'forever' right now where he is concerned. Just think about it in tiny little bits of time until you make it past one bit, and then the next, and then the next. I promise it gets easier, and I promise that if you do this, you will get your life back.

 

Yes sorry, I picked a username that was a little confusing

 

I know that you are right; NC isn't about that. I felt like I had that power when I demanded NC a month ago; at that time, he wanted to end the EA but still remain friends. I couldn't do just friends as it was too painful, so I stuck with NC, and he agreed and stuck to it as well. I felt empowered because I made him do something he did not want to do (although he made me do something I didn't want to do either, which is end the EA).

 

But now that I broke NC, and then pathetically tried to get his attention yesterday... I feel as if I have no power left. The way I left it off, he has all the power. And even if in my mind, I go NC now, he doesn't know that, and he still feels he has the power. And he does. Yes, I am doing NC because he didn't reach out, but I'm truly hoping I will be strong enough to stay NC if he reaches out. Although, honestly, I don't think he will. The worst part is that during NC, I knew I was "safe", that I didn't need to get my hopes up if he had sent me an email or text or call. Now that he doesn't know it's officially back to NC, I'm always a little curious when I check my inbox. Today, I kept wondering if he would reach out and apologize for blowing me off yesterday, and resume the mood we had last week when he was so excited to see me again.

 

I read through your story, and I know you went through this and SO so much worse. I know you're right, and I'm trying to take in what you're saying. I do believe this is an addiction. I know I don't love him. I'm reading the No Contact book (referenced in my previous post) and I also bought "Codependant No More". I will look into relationship addiction books soon after. Yes, I do feel my happiness depends on if he contacts me or not. I feel I am simply going through the motions to pass time until he does, even though it may never come. And it shouldn't matter if it does or not - I'm not supposed to reply or care.

 

I'm trying to take it day by day. Coping by posting on here whenever I have a flood of temptation or emotion. I'm pissed I made it through the worst of it last month during the NC, and now I have to do it again - obviously, completely my fault. But it hurts all the same.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes sorry, I picked a username that was a little confusing

 

I know that you are right; NC isn't about that. I felt like I had that power when I demanded NC a month ago; at that time, he wanted to end the EA but still remain friends. I couldn't do just friends as it was too painful, so I stuck with NC, and he agreed and stuck to it as well. I felt empowered because I made him do something he did not want to do (although he made me do something I didn't want to do either, which is end the EA).

 

But now that I broke NC, and then pathetically tried to get his attention yesterday... I feel as if I have no power left. The way I left it off, he has all the power. And even if in my mind, I go NC now, he doesn't know that, and he still feels he has the power. And he does. Yes, I am doing NC because he didn't reach out, but I'm truly hoping I will be strong enough to stay NC if he reaches out. Although, honestly, I don't think he will. The worst part is that during NC, I knew I was "safe", that I didn't need to get my hopes up if he had sent me an email or text or call. Now that he doesn't know it's officially back to NC, I'm always a little curious when I check my inbox. Today, I kept wondering if he would reach out and apologize for blowing me off yesterday, and resume the mood we had last week when he was so excited to see me again.

 

I read through your story, and I know you went through this and SO so much worse. I know you're right, and I'm trying to take in what you're saying. I do believe this is an addiction. I know I don't love him. I'm reading the No Contact book (referenced in my previous post) and I also bought "Codependant No More". I will look into relationship addiction books soon after. Yes, I do feel my happiness depends on if he contacts me or not. I feel I am simply going through the motions to pass time until he does, even though it may never come. And it shouldn't matter if it does or not - I'm not supposed to reply or care.

 

I'm trying to take it day by day. Coping by posting on here whenever I have a flood of temptation or emotion. I'm pissed I made it through the worst of it last month during the NC, and now I have to do it again - obviously, completely my fault. But it hurts all the same.

 

No it just happened that your username was similar to that of another poster

 

It does hurt all the same, and it sucks. I hope you keep posting here

 

This isn't a measure of you or your strength. I have always been a very strong, independent person, and I found that again. You will too. It's no reflection on you whatsoever. It's a reflection on HIM.

 

You may feel as if you have no power left, but you do. Moving forward. Take my word - he will contact you again, and (like the book title that you gave) when you TRULY go NC and ignore them, then they come back full-force. That is what you need to ignore. THAT is where you get your power back.

 

It's really, really hard. It's the hardest thing I ever did. The hardest thing you will ever do for yourself is for you to accept that he has to be your past, and even WHEN he contacts you and even asks that you be in the emotional affair again, you don't contact him.

 

That is the hardest part. Because once he figures out that you are moving on, he will contact you and want the EA back but it won't be for you - it will be for his ego. Please remember that. And keep posting.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks Hope and thanks for inviting me to continue posting. I know what I say is often rambly and repetitive, but as I only see my IC once a month (I can only afford that frequency) and I cannot talk to anyone else in real life about this dark secret, it is a huge outlet and relief to be able to vent my feelings here. Especially reading the feedback!

 

I was never a strong person, so I think that is why I am struggling so much. It is totally an addiction though; I don't even LIKE MM that much. I just liked how he made me feel, and how he gave me excitement and something to look forward to every day.

 

I really don't feel like I have any power left. I mean, from his perspective: I demanded NC. Then reached out and broke it. Then admitted I missed him in our meetup last week. Then rushed to text him yesterday and then asked why he was being so cold. Yeah... not looking too good on my part. As of now, I'm mentally committing to NC again, but I'm sure he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as him ignoring me, and him having all the power. That sucks.

 

A lot of posters have said that he WILL come back when he sees I've moved on. Ive never had an affair before, but when I had breakups of regular relationships, I've always demanded NC post break up. And not one of them has ever "come back". So I'm not sure why everyone thinks this is the norm? I dont want to get my hopes up that he will come back either; as of now, thinking of that does lift my heart a little and I know it absolutely should not.

[lookingforclosure]

So we all know that I've been in NC for 10 weeks now. And yes it sucks, but I have a friend who works with xMM and I never told her NOT to tell me anything about him, which I most DEFINATELY should of. I was informed this evening that he talked and talked about his family to her for an hour today, even made reference to them talking about having another child. I was like wth??? He has always told me he didn't wang another child...and how do you go from being so in love with me in Jan to wanting to have another child if your marriage was bad and you weren't in love with your wife. I feel he purposely told my friend that so it would get back to me. Talk about digging the knife deeper...he chose to stay with her, he's blocked all contact, and yet he had to tell the one person he knows I talk to daily about this. It just hurt...to realize that he lies, and know I don't know if I can believe he was truly separated when we were seeing each other. I don't think anything he ever told me was the truth anymore

[Blu72]

So we all know that I've been in NC for 10 weeks now. And yes it sucks, but I have a friend who works with xMM and I never told her NOT to tell me anything about him, which I most DEFINATELY should of. I was informed this evening that he talked and talked about his family to her for an hour today, even made reference to them talking about having another child. I was like wth??? He has always told me he didn't wang another child...and how do you go from being so in love with me in Jan to wanting to have another child if your marriage was bad and you weren't in love with your wife. I feel he purposely told my friend that so it would get back to me. Talk about digging the knife deeper...he chose to stay with her, he's blocked all contact, and yet he had to tell the one person he knows I talk to daily about this. It just hurt...to realize that he lies, and know I don't know if I can believe he was truly separated when we were seeing each other. I don't think anything he ever told me was the truth anymore

 

That should solidify to you that complete NC is the only way to go with this. So stay strong and tell your friend that you don't want to hear any details about xMM going forward.

[Southern Sun]

"Proud" to say that I went through the entire day without contacting him! I'm hoping each day gets easier, not harder. If he didn't reach out today to apologize, then the chances of him doing so diminish each day, so I won't be as hopeful anymore (I hope).

 

First, I wanted to encourage you to say that you CAN do it. It may feel impossible, but it's not. Just take a moment and imagine two futures right now - imagine yourself in one month, three months, six months from now...and you have moved on with your life. You are no longer anxiety-ridden, constantly worried about what he's thinking and feeling, bending your day and mind around him. You are more and more free.

 

And then do the same thing...in one month, three months, six months, imagine instead that you have made no progress; you are still in the exact same place; you are still trapped, a slave in your mind, wanting him, reaching out, getting hurt, going NC, repeating the cycle, over, and over...

 

Which future do you want?

 

I am on day 19 of Future # 1. I can tell you it's the better one. But it's not easy. The other future is freaking hard too! It's just in different ways. So don't forget that. Ultimately, both will cause you pain. You just need to start thinking about your longer-term good rather than short-term relief.

 

I also wanted to warn you...it isn't a linear process. Some days, you will think you're getting better. And then other days, you will hit a wall. Just keep pushing. I've found that, no matter what, things always seem better in the morning.

[Rainbow00]

Thanks southern it sucks now I'm on day 2 of Nc instead of 6 weeks! Breaking Nc last week and meeting with him did give me a lot of relief and hope that things would be better and I wouldn't need to feel this panic anymore, but since he is ignoring me now, that just made it worse. Totally not worth it. I'm still wondering why the hell he acted so happy to see me last week and now won't even give me two words. It doesn't even really matter why, but I'm pissed he's playing with my emotions like this.

 

Just got to work now. Hope I don't run into him today. And I will try to stay strong again. I Want to text him and ask him what the heck happened and why he's acting this way but I wont and I know whatever answer I get won't make me feel bette anyway. I am lonely and sad though. End vent..

[lookingforclosure]

I also wanted to warn you...it isn't a linear process. Some days, you will think you're getting better. And then other days, you will hit a wall. Just keep pushing. I've found that, no matter what, things always seem better in the morning.

 

I know this feeling VERY well...there are days i'm like "screw him" i'm a beautiful person, yes I made a mistake...but damn I deserve better. And then there are days I feel sorry for myself and wonder why "I" wasn't good enough for him to choose me.

 

After my recent discovery that he's talking about having another baby...I realize there is something seriously wrong xMM. Not my place to say, BUT bringing another child into a marriage that has already suffered Infidelity is not smart, I'm not a therapist and I even know that. It may be all smoke and mirrors just to get back to me and hurt me even more. I cried about it last night, got mad...and now i'm starting to think I may have dodged a huge bullet.

[nikki76]

 

I know this feeling VERY well...there are days i'm like "screw him" i'm a beautiful person, yes I made a mistake...but damn I deserve better. And then there are days I feel sorry for myself and wonder why "I" wasn't good enough for him to choose me.

 

 

 

Your second paragraph could be written by me. Its crazy how each day is different. When you feel like youve moved 10 steps forward, the next day, you feel like youve taken 10 steps back. It sucks!!!

Edited March 25, 2015 by nikki76
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[lookingforclosure]

Your second paragraph could be written by me. Its crazy how each day is different. When you feel like youve moved 10 steps forward, the next day, you feel like youve taken 10 steps back. It sucks!!!

 

Yes Nikki it does...the more I am learning about my xAP the more disgusted I am getting with myself that I actually believed his bull crap. wth was I thinking??

[m4p]

Your second paragraph could be written by me. Its crazy how each day is different. When you feel like youve moved 10 steps forward, the next day, you feel like youve taken 10 steps back. It sucks!!!

 

God that's exactly how I feel too. Some days it's like "I think I'm doing pretty well uhuh" and the next moment it's back to the dumps and choking with "was it that easy for him to just give up everything?"

 

I'm just a crazy mess of contradictions now. I'm hoping he won't contact me so that I won't get all screwed up hanging on again but yet at the same time I'm wishing I can hear from him again.

 

One difference though it's a 10 steps forward, 9 step back kinda process for me. I would like to think that as bad as it gets, I'm actually making a teeny bit process day by day. 1.5 months past D-Day... I can't see it yet but I believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

(Ps. Today is one of the better nights. Yesterday I was crying all the way home for what I thought was no reasons at all. How pathetic.)

[Rainbow00]

Ugh, day is halfway over. I saw him briefly today and didn't feel too badly so that's a plus. I'm still pissed and wondering what the hell happened. Why act so excited and loving last week after i broke NC and then act like this now? What the heck.. I hate how he's playing with my emotions. I probably came off too needy but I don't know. Still mad. I want an explanation but I'm not going to reach out

[Cali408]

I'm so sorry you have to see him on a daily basis, that must make things so imminently frustrating.

 

As stated previously, you'll have days where your on top of the world and have it licked. Then other days, where you're in a bad mood or having a tough time at work where you'll start slipping into the rabbit hole.

 

By the way, in the guys playbook is for them to be a challenge to women. And see how it's making you anxious?

 

I'm having a bad day at work and I see some internet bread crumbs being speckled out there today. It actually energizes me not to break.

 

You don't need to ask him why. Just channel that anger toward kicking it. Next time he comes up to you or speaks to you in a loving way, you'll be the winner

[Rainbow00]

It does suck to have to see him at work. I don't see him everyday, it's really by chance whether or not we see each other. Right now I'm hoping for less of it.

 

Cali, you're right I have good days and bad days. Even good hours and bad hours. When we were together I used to wake up thinking about him and go to sleep thinking about him. Now sometimes when I wake up I am not thinking of him which is a plus. It's hard not to go down the rabbit hole of thinking of old times and old habits. Like seeing him at a certain time every day. Now at That time sometimes I'm longingly looking at my phone wishing he would call and we could do that again.

 

I don't know what his deal is. I didn't think he would be into playing games, he was never that way before. Nor that type of guy. But you never really know. I can only guess he is trying in earnest to reconnect with his wife but that meeting last week really just confuses me. Telling me how much he misses me and doesn't want me talking to other men and everything made it seem like we wee back to where we wer before with the Ea. He's never ignored or blown me off like this before. I just so badly want answers as to why. I know I may never get them but I'm going to keep venting here about it. I want to know!

 

A lot of OW here say their MM came back or at least tried to get their attention with crumbs. Mine never has. He never "breaks". In a way I wish he did so I know that he still cared. But that would just make it even harder to resist.

[lookingforclosure]

I guess I was pretty fortunate that I got a job opportunity a month after the A started, I couldn't imagine having to go into the same building with him working two offices away...and having to take care of things in my office.

 

My hurt and sadness has changed to anger today...after the whole "talking about another child with his wife" comment it infuriates me. Two months ago you tell me how much you love me...now you want to bring a child into your screwed up situation. And yes it's screwed up, he's had an A for a year and a half. He may never truly loved me, but something was missing or there were other issues and a child can't fix that. I feel a lot of guilt towards what I have done to his W and while I don't think it's right for me to reach out to her now, I hope one day she can forgive my role in her M. I'm sure she's had very bad days wondering what she's done wrong for him not to love her like he used to, just as myself. I hope she can heal too.

 

I am trying to see that i'm not a horrible person, I just made a terrible mistake at the cost of myself and his family. At least I can own it, something he can't

[ShatteredHearts]

A lot of OW here say their MM came back or at least tried to get their attention with crumbs. Mine never has. He never "breaks". In a way I wish he did so I know that he still cared. But that would just make it even harder to resist.

 

Yes, this! 100% spot on. Throughout the affair, we would attempt NC during a "breakup" and he would always cave within days. Saying how he couldn't stand to not talk to me, he wanted to stay friends, etc. We work in the same building and usually run into each other. We were NC for almost 3 weeks, until I caved earlier this week and emailed him. He had gone NC with no heads up or anything and I was completely confused and taken back by it. I had passed him in the break room and he acted like I didn't exist. After a year and a half, I felt I was owed an explanation. In the email I said regardless of how he felt about me, there was no need for awkwardness if we ran into each other at work. I also said that he couldn't even give me the respect to tell me things were over to my face, yet could sleep with me a few days prior. This was his reply:

 

First of all I felt really awkward this morning. I can’t help how I felt and how I acted. I honestly didn’t feel good about it. Second, my sudden drop of contact was a ****ty thing to do. I just didn’t want to perpetuate this or give you any mixed signals. I thought about the decent thing to do but didn’t think any good would come from it. Maybe it was the easy way out… This whole thing is still weighing on me and mentally draining. None of this is easy for me. I thought the break in contact was best, for both of us. Today is a bad day for me and is the reason I acted the way I did this morning. I don’t have a good explanation.

 

So. Yeah. Thoughts? And why is it still weighing on him and "mentally draining?" He got rid of me, that should be a huge weight off his shoulders.

[Rainbow00]

I'm having such a weak moment today. I can't understand (well I guess I can logically but not emotionally) why he's acting like this. Why lead me on last time, he should've just kept our meeting friendly and not gotten my hopes up.

 

Right now I just really miss him. Usually when I'm having a bad day I meet up with him to chat and feel better. But now I can't and he's the one causing me all this pain. I miss our old talks and our old habits and routines. I miss him and his voice and the way he made me feel. I want to know why he's blowing me off like this. At least a heads up of "we shouldn't talk anymore" would be better.

 

I know eventfully he will contact me for work stuff because we have a milestone in our project I need to communicate to him. It's so bad that I'm looking forward to it because I know he will need to contact me. But I hate myself for it too. I know it's sick and twisted but I just want to hear from him and I know he doesn't care.

[Rainbow00]

Why am I so sad?? I'm angry at myself. This hurts.

 

In the back of my mind I keep thinking that last week he said he would contact me soon when he's free so we could meet up and hang out. I keep holding on to that thread of hope in the back of my mind that maybe today, maybe in an hour, maybe tomorrow... He'll contact me. He used to at least 3 times a day when we were "together". I really miss those rushes of excitement when I got his texts to meet. I know those words mean nothing and his actions on monday mean everything. But I really just can't really get myself to accept how mean that is of him to behave that way. I knew what flaws he had while with him but I honestly didn't think he would act this way. I thought j would at least get an explanation or a "let's not talk anymore" type closure.

 

I'm less tempted to text him now but I'm still so hurt and looking for answers I know I won't get.

[lostinlust80]

@rainbow00 - I've been following this thread and I feel for you. I know what you're going through... my AP went MIA from one day to the next. I couldn't figure out what had changed, but what you have to remember is that you don't need to know the reason "why?" Just remember that if he wanted to contact you, he would. That's what kept me NC for over 5 months.

 

Even if he does come back, as other posters have mentioned, expect that he's going to pull the same thing again shortly. Are you ready to feel like this twice?

[Alebo]

Hello Rainbow,

I understand you so well, obsessing and guesing what he is thinking... And he is probably just busy with other things and other thoughts. And then, suddenly, he will contact you just like everything is in order, without a clue about what you are going through right now. Its so unfair....and yet, we let them treat us that way.

[Rainbow00]

@rainbow00 - I've been following this thread and I feel for you. I know what you're going through... my AP went MIA from one day to the next. I couldn't figure out what had changed, but what you have to remember is that you don't need to know the reason "why?" Just remember that if he wanted to contact you, he would. That's what kept me NC for over 5 months.

 

Even if he does come back, as other posters have mentioned, expect that he's going to pull the same thing again shortly. Are you ready to feel like this twice?

 

 

That's a very good mindset to have. I'm really going to repeat that to myself, because I simply cannot let go of why he 180'ed on me. If he didn't want to be close friends/EA again, then he should've not responded to my breaking NC, and not been so loving and excited during our meetup last week. Why do that just to let me crash down again and ignore me for days? Even after me reaching out (pathetically) again? Agh!!

 

I'll try to keep telling myself. It doesn't matter why. And honestly, I can guess why. I think he started therapy with his W and really trying to make a commitment. But Im still so mad he led me on, if only for a few days. I felt waves of relief and happiness wash over me last week when he was so kind. And now, the fall down is even more painful because I'm in a fragile state. I do know he's cheated multiple times with multiple women before me. Wow, he sounds like a winner huh? Good thing I at least didn't allow him to take it to a physical level like he did with previous women. It was "only" an EA.

 

It doesn't matter why. If he wanted to contact me, he would. His actions speak louder than words. I need to keep strong. <repeat...>