apriloneil Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Hi!!! Just wondering what your opinion is on a situation... My DH of 13 yrs has begun working with a single female around his age. I met her once and she has recently divorced and told me shes dating around. I thought nothing of them working together, I trust my husband totally. Last week while I was sleeping I found out he had been texting her phone, asking how her March Break was, saying he hoped she wasnt working to hard. Her response was that she was thinking about him and his hair (?) the previous day. I asked my Dh why and when they text. He got real defensive and short with me. Said he is allowed to have friends and thats all it was. Ive never been a snooper but now Im curious. Since the talk he has brought up on two occasions that "nothing is going on" and I shouldnt worry. This is strange as I hadnt even brought it up. This morning I went to charge his phone and saw he had messages. I was going to look from who but he has added another lock to his phone! Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? I'm a guy... and I think you have a problem developing here. How is your relationship? Sex life? I think if there is an opening between you and your husband... this lady is going to hit it with a Mack Truck! You need to get access to the cellphone bill if possible and check exactly how often and when they are texting. 2am texts are a bad sign... also texting/calling every day is bad too. She is trying to pull your Husband into an emotional affair and he either doesn't see it yet... or has begun drinking the coolaid. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 His defensiveness, the phone lock, and his bringing up that nothing is going on are definitely red flags that should be noted. Of course it is ok for him to have friends. But to have a friend he sneak-texts with and locks away from you? No. If she is his friend, there should be nothing to hide. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Of course it is ok for him to have friends. But to have a friend he sneak-texts with and locks away from you? No. ^^^This! That is the big difference between a friend/co-worker and someone being allowed emotional intimacy--he should have no problem with you looking at his correspondences with this so-called "friend", especially when in the past, he's let you look in his phone... and as his wife, he should not be keeping any secrets from you. It might be a good idea for you to tell him that you're not getting a good feeling from this "friendship" he has with her and that you are worried his is allowing her to put your marriage asunder, which is something he vowed he would not do. The truth of the matter is she does not belong in his intimacy in any way shape or form. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 To answer your questions: Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. No. He is behaving like someone who is up to no good. No, you are not being silly. Your spider senses are justifiably tingling. I would think that he is embarking upon an emotional affair with a coworker. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? Yes, but it's not appropriate for them to hide it in any way from their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Hi apriloneil - you are asking a very valid question and one that needs to be looked at very thoughtfully. We live in a Social Media saturated world and dealing with issues of BOUNDARIES is becoming more and more prevalent. I am a former Pastor and I now work on a daily basis with couples who are facing various issues in their marriage. I believe wholeheartedly that marriage is exclusive, that it can and should be fulfilling to each spouse, and everything possible must be done to protect it from any force that would undermine its exclusive nature. Having stated by belief clearly the question becomes - how do you move forward? I really, really, really believe that transparency should be a normal part of every marriage. In my mind, there is no reason to be sending text messages of a personal nature to the opposite sex when you are married. Especially if you are going to be defensive or secretive about them. I also know, however, that accusing your partner of something that hasn't happened can lead to problems as well. Honest and open communication is the best way to approach any issue in marriage especially when dealing with boundaries. Do you guys happen to attend church? Do you have another couple that you look to as a mentor? Have you considered speaking with a marriage advocate or counselor? Have you shared from your heart with your husband how these things make you feel? Contacting someone for help could be considered if he continues to be stand-offish or non-chalant about the issues once you share your heart. Emotional and physical affairs usually don't happen out of the blue but develop over time. Your concern in this area is warranted. I know of some articles that may be a help. Send me a private message if you are interested. Blessings! Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Hi!!! Just wondering what your opinion is on a situation... My DH of 13 yrs has begun working with a single female around his age. I met her once and she has recently divorced and told me shes dating around. I thought nothing of them working together, I trust my husband totally. Last week while I was sleeping I found out he had been texting her phone, asking how her March Break was, saying he hoped she wasnt working to hard. Her response was that she was thinking about him and his hair (?) the previous day. I asked my Dh why and when they text. He got real defensive and short with me. Said he is allowed to have friends and thats all it was. Ive never been a snooper but now Im curious. Since the talk he has brought up on two occasions that "nothing is going on" and I shouldnt worry. This is strange as I hadnt even brought it up. This morning I went to charge his phone and saw he had messages. I was going to look from who but he has added another lock to his phone! Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? Young Lady, sorry to hear of your situation. However please do not be in denial about it. This is stock in trade of the beginnings of an Emotional affair. The "Deflection tactic" of bringing her up in conversation as "just Friends" and then having a lock code on the phone unexpectedly or protecting it by keeping it close to him at all times would lead me to believe you got a whole Mess O'Potamia about to go down. At this stage he is about to attempt some more gaslighting on you to try to convince you that you are simply crazy and there is nothing going on.... Do not be surprised if in the near future you may get the time tested "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" speech that every Bullcrapper pulls right before before or right after they take their affair physical. Or perhaps an out of the blue "romantic Getaway weekend" just for the two of you to throw you off the scent for a few days...I've seen this movie before a million times here and other sites and it always ends the same....The possibilities of the crap they pull are limitless. But trust your gut. I know it's screaming B.S. right now. At this point I have a couple of questions? Do you have access to the billing of the phone or does he take care of that himself. Can you access his phone and or text bill online to see the frequency of communications between them? If so I would do it. Don't let him know you are doing it...just do it. I knw thsi is difficult, but at at thsi point you must assume if he feels he is gonna get busted that he also has a burner phone. If he is going out of his way to be out of sight while using the phone for periods of time, I'd assume he has one. Garages and n backs of closets are their usual locations...places he would think you'd never go looking at. I would also consider placing a voice activated recorder somewhere in hsi car, as you can expect he may be talking to her while driving. You can pick them up pretty cheap and they are easy to put under somebody's dashboard or car seat with a patch of velcro that comes with them and have amazing distance. You could get a lot of proof you need if you use one. You gotta play this close to the vest, and don't let in you know things are not well. If he suspects you are onto him he may just take it underground. Just remember you are not invading hsi privacy, you are invading his secrecy. Sorry you are dealing with this but it's time to start thinking about yourself now. I think the consensus here is that skullduggery is afoot. It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude, but sit back and observe. He'll trip up. They always do. Cheaters lie and liars cheat. Just the way it is. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Your husband is a WH in an EA heading to in not already in a PA. Hide a VAR in his car to hear his calls with the OW. Also get a real time GPS for WH's car as well. Be quiet and gather intelligence. We then can help you to plan how to use that info to end the affair. Get copies of the phone bill and copies of the texts. Also do not let your WH know that you are doing any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Hi!!! Just wondering what your opinion is on a situation... My DH of 13 yrs has begun working with a single female around his age. I met her once and she has recently divorced and told me shes dating around. I thought nothing of them working together, I trust my husband totally. Last week while I was sleeping I found out he had been texting her phone, asking how her March Break was, saying he hoped she wasnt working to hard. Her response was that she was thinking about him and his hair (?) the previous day. I asked my Dh why and when they text. He got real defensive and short with me. Said he is allowed to have friends and thats all it was. Ive never been a snooper but now Im curious. Since the talk he has brought up on two occasions that "nothing is going on" and I shouldnt worry. This is strange as I hadnt even brought it up. This morning I went to charge his phone and saw he had messages. I was going to look from who but he has added another lock to his phone! Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? No, this is not appropriate. It's HIS actions and REactions which give him away (as inappropriate)... (even if they aren't mating, or the like) Link to post Share on other sites
Pac Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 My husband is a dj and met someone totally opposite of me ; 15 years younger ..he's 43 , wears skimpy clothes, goes to the club he plays music at and gives him attention. Well I'm 43 with two teenage kids that belong to him , I do not go to the club because I do not enjoy staying out until 4am and I really don't care for that music. I don't dress skimpy either. I admit to not so much attention ; he wants constant hugging and touching and kissing and sex We have been married 17 years. Well , I found out made him leave and he came back 2 months later. I tried for four months already to get over the other person. He quit the club and found another to make me happy. The woman now goes to that club and just happened to show up at a concert he went with two other guys I found that out because of Facebook photos on the clubs fb account. How do I handle this ? I am making myself sick. Mentally I already take medication and I'm not happy at home I never just wanted to sleep so much so early. I'm very irritable. Im not going to look good for him or hang out at the club Basically I refuse to change. That's not how he met me. He shouldn't stay friends with someone he moved in with and almost lost the rest of us! I shouldn't have to accept the fact that she just happened to start going to that club he plays music at. Neither of us drink and I don't have friends to hang out there with. I shouldn't be made to change myself because I feel I would just be going to spy. I don't feel pretty anymore and her and her possy of friends would just laugh at me because I am nothing in looks like them. I just hate myself and I don't care about myself Link to post Share on other sites
SSM3 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? I do, and I am not having an affair. My co-worker texts me some times and there is nothing going on between me and her. He may be hiding the texts from you because he doesn't want you to think the worst and get worried etc. Don't always think the worst fellow forumer Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Is he justified?, am I being silly? What would you think. Is it appropriate for your partner to talk to other people of the opposite sex outside of work? you aren't - something is definitely going on. red flags all over this situation = he's defensive + attacks you back ("allowed to have friends") + has another lock on the phone. it usually starts like this, unfortunately. either talk it out with him (let him know how bothered you are by it + talk about boundaries and trust) or divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
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