The tears won't stop...

[Tearswontstop]

I'm so sad. I'm so angry. My husband moved out yesterday after informing me on Sunday that he loves me as a friend and the mom to our kids, but not as a husband should love a wife. Our 13th anniversary is this month. We have two kids, a boy age 7 and a girl age 4. He basically says that therapy won't help because there's not even a feeling to try to rekindle. He's 36. I'm 34. My parents are deceased and I wish I could "run home to mommy" right about now. I do have a brother who came to visit me yesterday because he's worried about me. He lives about 1 hr 15 minutes away. The tears keep coming. They don't want to stop. My stomach is a mess. No polite way to say it...I have the runs. I threw up this morning. I wake up overnight crying for hours at a time. I barely can eat. I feel so helpless. I feel so alone. What I've figured out I'm most mad about (right now anyway) is that I won't be able to work a cushy part time job or do substitute teaching as we'd planned when our youngest starts full day kindergarten next year. I'll need benefits (I'm diabetic and getting private insurance would be far too costly) which will mean a full time job. It will mean my kids will become part of the before and/or after school care crowd. They will have to go to daycare on holidays and during the summer. That makes me so mad. It wasn't part of the plan. I was supposed to be able to be home when the kids are. I'll survive all this because I have to. My kids need me to. But right now I am a real mess.

 

 

Tearswontstop

[Fifth Dawn]

**Ouch**

 

I've had a really good morning so far and now after reading your post, I'm nearly in tears.

 

I really wish I could tell you that tomorrow will be a brighter day, but I can't because I've never been in your situation. I just pray that you'll have a speedy recovery. Bless you.

 

Many Hugs!

[onlyhuman]

I feel for you!

I know things don't make sense right now.I hope this helps,everything does happen for a reason, things will work out for the better.

The next few days are going to be real rough for you, try to keep busy and now is the time to surround yourself with friends.

Did you see this coming?

[cranium]

Tears,

 

As onlyhuman asked, "Did you see this coming?" Is he involved with someone else? Why I ask is my wife of 15 years came to me one day with a request to separate. I was devastated, sick to my stomach, all as you have experienced. We also have two children, 8 & 3. I knew we had communication issues, but never expected she wanted out; didn't know she was that sad and unhappy. She insisted there was no one else, but she was willing to try counseling. 4 months into counseling is when I discovered her affair. Once the affair was exposed and ended, we have made amazing progress towards reconciliation.

 

Try counseling if he is willing. Go alone if he is not. You need to make sure to take care of yourself, eat properly, etc...Find strength in your children.

 

Best to you.

[MassiveAtom]

TWS, The tears WILL stop.

 

What you heard from your husband are the words of a frightened child. His departure is not about you in any way, shape or form. This has NOTHING to do with you. Has nothing to do with your desirability as a woman, your talent or ability as a spouse. This is his inability to see the beauty that lies within and about you.

 

I was happier to finally understand, through the help of the people of LS.org, that the only reason that I was in the same place you are now, was because I truly loved my XW. THe fact that I now know the full and meaningful love I am capable of giving has given me great strength and determination to live on. and live well. It helped slow the tears too. I would imagine that for you, they slow, and indeed pause from time to time. That's entirely normal. You've boarded what has become known as "the Rollercoaster."

Get ready for a scary, fun, disorienting, maddening, frustrating, liberating ride. No, it IS all those things!

 

Very important at this stage. It's perfectly normal and healthy to feel exactly like you do. Allow yourself the glory of feeling just how deep you can feel. you'll broaden your emotional horizons, and you'll be that much happier in time, with work, and therapy.

Ls.org is free, but therapy actually works. maybe give it a try?

 

When you're feeling especially sad. Know this. I don't know you at all. Probably never will. It's likely random that I even chose your message to respond to, but I want you to be happy and be at peace with yourself. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tearswontstop}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

as always

 

 

MA

[Tearswontstop]

Actually I don't blame myself at all. I know I was a good, supportive, loving, caring wife. I did everything for him. I put up with a lot for him. I am just pretty darn scared right now. Scared of being alone. Scared of never having another man love me (if he even did). I didn't think there was someone else til I saw his cell phone bill (I never looked before, just paid them....he denies any affair with it, just helping out a co-worker that he's always said is like his mom (ironically she and his mom share the same name). I didn't see this coming. He was home a lot (when not at work). I knew we had issues, but thought, as always, that we'd work through them. I guess not anymore.

I am starting therapy at my church. I don't know if we'll do counseling together or not. He said he would if I wanted to. I say if he doesn't want to give us a chance then there's no point.

The kids talk about him so much and it stabs me every time, but I won't stop them from talking. And they are excited to sleep over his new "house" when he has one. That will crush me. I will be seeking a lot of support when that happens!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Tearswontstop

I didn't think there was someone else til I saw his cell phone bill (I never looked before, just paid them....he denies any affair with it, just helping out a co-worker that he's always said is like his mom

 

I hate to generalize, so take this with a grain of salt, please. But while women will sometimes make happiness choices that don't involve an outside romantic interest, men seem to be more inclined to leave their marriage when their IS an outside influence.

 

Commonly, on the OM/OW forum here at LS even, you'll note that men tend to keep affairs on the QT, until they can get the settlement details worked out. They tend to fear that being caught in an infidelity will damage their interests in a divorce proceeding.

 

I find it very difficult to believe that there's nothing going on between your husband and this co-worker.

 

I know you're probably shocked and hurting right now. But there's NO time to fall apart in a crisis. You need to be particularly vigilant in taking care of your body's need for nutrition and rest. Unfortunately, you're likely going to be dealing with this for a prolonged period of time. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

There are lots of things you can do. I'm encouraged for you that you're seeking out counseling for yourself. That's very good.

 

You'd do well to also make an appointment with an attorney, and find out what your legal rights are. I promise, you'll sleep better at night for having that knowledge in your keeping.

 

Visit your library and get some books so that you can study up on the marital relationship. I don't think it would hurt you to privately assume for now that you are dealing with any infidelity situation.

 

The strategies for dealing with a cheating partner could still be beneficial in that he has obviously WITHDRAWN himself from the relationship. There's a method for dealing with infidelity at marriagebuilders.com that I think could be tailored to suit your needs. So, you might do a little more reading there as well.

 

That said, I don't think it would be wise to accuse until you are certain. You could actually exacerbate the situation if you don't have the facts in hand. So, work on getting your facts together.

 

Hang in there, and post often. It'll make you feel better to vent.

[debilou]

TWS~

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel ya! We have a lot in common.

 

Read my thread "recently separated and depressed". It may give you an insight to what you might have to go through.

 

It took me about 3 months to get over that REAL heart pain. I didn't see it coming. I was stunned. And yes there was OW. My H still says they're "just friends" but I'm not buying it.

 

This web site will be a great outlet for you. You can vent all your anger and pain to us. We've all been through a lot and have learned from each other.

 

I promise you'll get much better.

 

Time tells ALL tales, time heals all wounds~~~unless you pick at them.

 

That was my mantra for months. I knew there had to be OW and my H wouldn't give me the truth. The TRUTH was all I needed for everything to make sense.

 

Keep posting.

 

Debilou

[Tearswontstop]

It's a week ago today that he told me he wanted out. Definitely one of the worst days of my life. I have made it 15 hours without crying before breaking down. That's my record. It was from yesterday at 2pm til this morning at 5am. I've decided it's not him that I miss so much as what he represents....the stability, the companionship, the friendship. I'm absolutely terrified of the future. TERRIFIED. I have started looking into going back to school so that I can get my education degree (I have my BS in Business Admin, but never really used it and have been an at home mom for 7 years). The education degree requirements look so overwhelming. I haven't been in college for so long. Now I'm a single mom looking at going back full time. Plus a commute to there. The thought alone makes my stomach churn.

He says he wants the best for me. That I deserve better than him. That he'd even watch the kids for me to go on a date. (That was precipitated by me telling him that his dating will be a true stab to my heart to which he said he's not looking and isn't interested - to which i said that's when love finds you - and he said only if you want to be found.) He believes my life will be so much better. That I'll find true happiness. That he wants me to be able to call him up as a friend and just chat with him. That he'd be willing to be separated for as long as it takes me to get my teaching degree and a job after that. He just can't make his heart feel anything more than friendship for me and that's not fair to me or to him. He didn't manage to mow the lawn as I asked him to do yesterday while I was away, so he's coming by tomorrow while the kids and I are at church and mowing. He says he'll be gone by the time we're back. He also says he understands why it's too hard on me for him to see the kids every day. He's taking the dog May 1st. I told him one day I won't cry for him anymore. That I won't give him the head space I'm giving him now. That one day I'll have a conversation with him and be ok. One day I will.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Tearswontstop

He says he wants the best for me. That I deserve better than him. That he'd even watch the kids for me to go on a date. (That was precipitated by me telling him that his dating will be a true stab to my heart to which he said he's not looking and isn't interested - to which i said that's when love finds you - and he said only if you want to be found.) He believes my life will be so much better. That I'll find true happiness. That he wants me to be able to call him up as a friend and just chat with him. That he'd be willing to be separated for as long as it takes me to get my teaching degree and a job after that. He just can't make his heart feel anything more than friendship for me and that's not fair to me or to him.

 

He's just trying to make himself feel better about abandoning you and his family. The line of thought on that is...."If my wife will be happier anyway...then aren't I doing the right thing?"

 

Notice how he's avoiding contact with you...mowing the lawn while you're not home. He's having trouble looking you in the eye, and seeing the pain he's causing you.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he's already involved with someone else. Every cheating man says the exact same sort of things. Particularly if they are trying to keep the affair on the down-low until after the divorce.

 

Don't buy into it. A WH (wayward husband) doesn't really have your best interests at heart. He's only interested in furthering his own goals.

 

Have you made an appointment with an attorney? Have you been able to uncover any information about his activities?

 

I know this all sounds pretty hopeless to you right about now, but it really isn't. Have a read over at marriage builders dot com. There's ALOT of information over there in regards to strategies on dealing with a cheating spouse.

 

And keep posting...it'll make you feel better.

[Tearswontstop]

He is coming today to mow while I'm gone because I don't want to see him today. I don't want him seeing the kids. I am just not convinced (maybe too naive) that he is having an affair. I may never know. He's making all sorts of claims on how much he'll be a help around the house if I need him, how much he'll be involved with the kids, how much he'll contribute financially, etc....but I guess time will tell. I have contacted a lawyer, but we've just played phone tag. Will try again tomorrow.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Tearswontstop

I am just not convinced (maybe too naive) that he is having an affair. I may never know.

 

Do you have access to the detail records of his cell phone?

[Ladyjane14]

The reason I ask, is because if he's involved with someone....he's going to be maintaining some kind of contact. Internet contact is also a popular method, but even so....they all talk on the phone.

 

One of the strategies that is popular in OW forums is to give THE ULTIMATUM. Of course, MM are reluctant to comply with that. First, they know that being caught in an affair can sometimes hurt them at settlement. Second, the feelings of duality in loyalty between wife and mistress are difficult to deal with. Eventually though, many will cave in to this pressure.

 

It's really more UNUSUAL for a man to leave his family without this outside influence. Women, as I said before, are really more likely to leave as a happiness choice.

 

There is of course, the possibility of depression...but depression is more likely to set up the conditions for cheating, rather than to be causal in the final decision to leave.

 

Anyway, if the cell phone is in both of your names....you can usually get access to the detail records one way or another. Many companies will allow access to detail records on-line. You must register your account. If he's already done that, you won't have the password. You can request it from the company....as if you'd forgotten it, or you can call by phone and ask for your detail records to be mailed to you.

[Ladyjane14]

Ooops! I just reviewed your thread. I forgot that you'd already seen the cell phone record.

 

Do you have any friends who could do some P.I. work for you? Or babysit, while you do it?