Left my Husband for a Man that turned out to be extremely abusive

[Beyondbroken]

Hello everyone, I joined LS just to ask this question because it's been eating me up inside for years. Please don't be harsh, I've learned my lesson...I just need help moving on from it. Okay, I was married to this guy Eric for 5 years. He was a good guy, but I felt we got married too young. We had 1 biological child together and he adopted my child from a previous relationship. I just felt like something was missing in the relationship, even though looking back, I had everything. I didn't have to work, he bought me whatever I wanted..He was a great dad and a loving husband. But I missed Adventure. So I met this guy at the bar, he had the "bad boy" vibe I've always been attracted to. Excitement. Things heated up between him and I for a whole year until I found out I was pregnant. I knew it wasn't my Husband's because we stopped having sex, but I was scared sh*tless for him to find out, and any fall out from it would devastate my kids. However when I was a few weeks away from giving birth, my Husband found texts between me and the OM, and demanded a DNA test on the child after it was born. The baby turned out to belong to the OM, so my Husband kicked me out and filed for Divorce. He has full custody of the 2 kids we have together because the OM is abusive to me, a lot of times in front of the kids, so my Ex Husband had a judge remove them from my custody. I also have 2 kids with the OM, so now I feel trapped-Like I can't leave because I can't live with the guilt of breaking up another Family. I've been with the OM for 3 years now but I miss the gentle Man that was my Ex Husband so badly. I'm on the verge of being homeless, I lost my job, don't have custody of 2 of my kids, my boyfriend is abusive and cheats on me constantly, and my other 2 kids are acting out because of what they see here..Women's shelters wont accept me because I have battery charges on my record (because I defended myself when my boyfriend tried to choke me out once, I smashed a vase into his head-cops said I caused more damage so arrested me instead). I have no friends or family that can take me in. I feel literally out of options. I can't go back to my Ex Husband because he says he doesn't love me anymore and he's engaged and has a baby with someone else. I don't get along with his Fiance because she can't accept that my Ex Husband is all I have left. Has anyone ever left someone for someone else, and had their life get screwed up this badly? I regret ever leaving my Ex!!!!

[road]

I feel for you so it pains me to say that based on what you have written it would be very hard to take you back if I was your BH and you were my WW.

 

 

Do you have a job?

 

 

Why can't you go to your parents/family for help?

 

 

The best advice for you is to go see your priest. I am sure all churches offer assistance to women that share your problems.

 

 

Take this with you: I can not undo what I have done. Though I have learned not to do and will not do those things any more. Each step forward will get my life straight.

[Radu]

Priest and find a womens shelter.

 

Also ... and don't take this badly ... but once your situation stabilizes you should seriously consider having your tubes tied [you have already 4 kids and will need all the money and time to get back in touch with your other 2 kids].

 

Another aspect is to find out why you did this.

Bad boy vibe aside ... a woman who has 2 kids with 2 different men doesn't keep the 3rd child with the 3rd different man.

And certainly doesn't go for a 4th.

 

Escapism ... maybe a need for validation ... or self-destructive tendencies ... you have to figure it out why.

[No Limit]

I can only agree with the others - find a woman's shelter. Maybe people at a church might be willing to offer a temporary home if really no shelter accepts you.

 

I was about to write a "bad bad" tirade when I came to the part which says you wanted to make your ex believe that OM's kid was his, but thankfully that guy got lucky so I'll skip that part. Also, don't feel bad about not having custody for your other 2 kids; at least they have a stable life in their home. Focus on giving the kids who are currently with you the same.

[aliveagain]

I just hope every wayward woman reads your post, you are doing everything my ex did to me except she had me convinced O/M's child was mine. Thank God for DNA testing. Don't allow things to get so out of hand that social services steps in and takes your children from you. Take yourself out of an abusive relationship, your children deserve better. You sound as self destructive as my ex. Ask your church for help.

[smackie9]

Yup woman's shelter is the best place to start because they can provide you with counseling, help you look for a job, and a place to live so you can start over.

[elaine567]

Yup woman's shelter is the best place to start because they can provide you with counseling, help you look for a job, and a place to live so you can start over.

 

Women's shelters wont accept me because I have battery charges on my record (because I defended myself when my boyfriend tried to choke me out once, I smashed a vase into his head-cops said I caused more damage so arrested me instead). I have no friends or family that can take me in. I feel literally out of option!

 

Seems women's shelters are not an option for her.

[irishguy]

You need to get a job , save some money , then leave your boyfriend .Its not fair for you to drag your ex husband into this , only contact him if its about your kids .Im sure there must be some group who help people in your situation

[Clay]

What ever you do you need to get out. I agree with the others. Start calling churches. I am sure there is someone out there that will help you.

 

You kind of got some of what you deserved but now your right you just have to learn from it and move on. The first step is getting out of there and getting into someplace safe. The next step is to find a job. I bet if you call down to the shelter and explain to them that you are in serious need of help they can at least point you in the right direction.

 

I bet you do miss your xH but I hope you leave him alone. It sure sounds like you really burned him badly. Having a child with someone else while being married to him had to have hurt.

 

I would start calling today.

[kendahke]

Your first step above everything is finding another job or two as fast as possible. You need income. Without it, your choices are severely limited. No one is going to take care of you--you have to start doing that yourself. Do you have any marketable skills? Do you have your own car? If nothing else, get your children and go rent a room at a motel for a place to stay until you can get into your own apartment, even if it is just a studio.

 

Next, file a restraining order against your boyfriend so that he can't come and disturb you once you're gone.

 

Leave your ex husband alone. There is nothing there for you anymore. Let him live his life with his fiancee and raise his two children. They will one day be of age where they can come see you without his permission if that's what they want to do. If not, then you have to accept that you hurt them beyond repair.

 

Consequences. The side effect of actions not thought through well.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to tell you this.

 

You DO NOT have your ex-husband. He is not all that you have left.

 

His fiancee is NOT going to understand that. Because there isn't anything left to be understood.

 

Good thing he is stable enough etc. to have your original two kids in his care fulltime and has moved on to a stable relationship.

 

I do not see why having battery charges eliminates you from going to a woman's shelter. Have you tried?

 

As well, are there no friends or relatives at all that could help?

My church would definitely help.

 

If you get PM privileges (one month & 50 posts) I will discuss that with you.

[LifeWasted]

Leave your ex husband alone. There is nothing there for you anymore. Let him live his life with his fiancee and raise his two children. They will one day be of age where they can come see you without his permission if that's what they want to do. If not, then you have to accept that you hurt them beyond repair.

 

^^^^^^^ This.

 

Leave him alone. You have already caused him enough pain with your poor choices. Let him raise those two kids in a safe and functional environment. You are the last thing he and they need until you get yourself straightened out.

 

Your life is a mess and you only have yourself to blame. Once you get things situated, you need to get into some deep counseling about why you have such low self esteem and require so much validation to feel like a human. You need to root out the cause of all this self destructive behavior. Good Boy didn't validate you, Bad Boy didn't validate you...what next? Self validation, that's what.

 

I would lay even odds you were sexually abused as a minor.

[Space Ritual]

Hello everyone, I joined LS just to ask this question because it's been eating me up inside for years. Please don't be harsh, I've learned my lesson...I just need help moving on from it. Okay, I was married to this guy Eric for 5 years. He was a good guy, but I felt we got married too young. We had 1 biological child together and he adopted my child from a previous relationship. I just felt like something was missing in the relationship, even though looking back, I had everything. I didn't have to work, he bought me whatever I wanted..He was a great dad and a loving husband. But I missed Adventure. So I met this guy at the bar, he had the "bad boy" vibe I've always been attracted to. Excitement. Things heated up between him and I for a whole year until I found out I was pregnant. I knew it wasn't my Husband's because we stopped having sex, but I was scared sh*tless for him to find out, and any fall out from it would devastate my kids. However when I was a few weeks away from giving birth, my Husband found texts between me and the OM, and demanded a DNA test on the child after it was born. The baby turned out to belong to the OM, so my Husband kicked me out and filed for Divorce. He has full custody of the 2 kids we have together because the OM is abusive to me, a lot of times in front of the kids, so my Ex Husband had a judge remove them from my custody. I also have 2 kids with the OM, so now I feel trapped-Like I can't leave because I can't live with the guilt of breaking up another Family. I've been with the OM for 3 years now but I miss the gentle Man that was my Ex Husband so badly. I'm on the verge of being homeless, I lost my job, don't have custody of 2 of my kids, my boyfriend is abusive and cheats on me constantly, and my other 2 kids are acting out because of what they see here..Women's shelters wont accept me because I have battery charges on my record (because I defended myself when my boyfriend tried to choke me out once, I smashed a vase into his head-cops said I caused more damage so arrested me instead). I have no friends or family that can take me in. I feel literally out of options. I can't go back to my Ex Husband because he says he doesn't love me anymore and he's engaged and has a baby with someone else. I don't get along with his Fiance because she can't accept that my Ex Husband is all I have left. Has anyone ever left someone for someone else, and had their life get screwed up this badly? I regret ever leaving my Ex!!!!

 

 

Buyers Remorse?

[darkmoon]

what plans do you have for a new home?

 

can the government help you?

[LifeWasted]

A van down by the river.

[dreamingoftigers]

In extricating myself from my situation,

 

the most important part was someone that listened to me.

 

Is that what you need here the most?

 

Someone to listen to your struggle because clearly you don't feel good about where you are now.

 

You are trying to look for options, so you know that you want something to change.

 

That's a great start!

 

I was very afraid to go and thought it would be much more harsh, lonely, scary and unbearable than it was.

 

Once you are able to find caring people that want to listen,

 

(I volunteer)

 

the rest starts to fall into place.

 

It sounds like you are trying to reach out for that with your ex-h.

 

He may empathize with you, but reaching out to him in this way may be very very destructive to the stability that he fought hard to get.

 

How are things going day to day right now?

[Lula Belle]

Seems women's shelters are not an option for her.

 

There are other types of shelters that she may be able to find.

[Spectre]

I just hope every wayward woman reads your post,

 

Agreed, hell, they should pass out copies of this damn post to every single girl graduating high school when it comes to the whole "gotta date a bad boy!" thing, because it never really works out. Best case scenario is..well, this.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Spectre

[LifeWasted]

I've been cheated on twice. they never really learn. It's all about what they want. They don't give a **** about how what they do effects others.

[Fleur de cactus]

You need to find a job and take care of yourself and kids. Regarding your ex, please don't try to bother him again. You are in pain but you have to think about how he felt when you cheated and had a baby from another man. There is always something in the community to help women in abusive relationship. Just talk to someone in your community. My advise is to get out the abusive relationship.

[Dork Vader]

There are women shelters that will take you or at least you should be able to find one some place. Some require drug testing but that should not be an issue for you.. If it is then I suggest you start attending AA and NA meetings and possibly speak to the salvation Army.

 

There are resources out there.