Negative sister stressing me out

[Pennyapple]

I am sure you guys have all met very negative people who are anxious, unhappy about their lives, and don't trust anyone. My sister is like that. For years I have been listening to her complaints, tried to talk her out but ended up quarelling with her and felt all my energy drained out. I could not ignore her though because she is my sister and I love her no matter what. But I worry a lot about her and she is putting loads of stress on me, as if my life is not stressful enough.

How do you guys deal with similar situation??? I know that negative people just crave love and positive energy, but I'm afraid I don't have that much energy to feed her. What can I do???

[CC12]

You can't take on other people's stress. Of course you care about her and worry, but you can't let her problems become your own. After you've listened to her, give yourself, say, ten minutes (or no more than 30, max) to worry about her, pray for her meditate for her whatever, and that is it. Then you focus on your own life and your own problems and responsibilities.

 

And if listening to her ever gets to be too much, you can gently tell her that you care about her and everything, but that you feel you can't help her with these issues and you hope that your relationship can focus more on positive, happy things.

 

Basically, only give her the energy that you can afford to give.

[Leegh]

I have a sister that sounds a lot like your sister, and yes, it is extremely energy draining, as it truly causes fatigue. I would limit your time with your sister, for your own well-being. My sister is very critical and there is always some negative comment about me; my hair doesn't look good, my clothes don't match, etc., etc. and then the rest of the day I am thinking about the insult. My sister and I currently don't talk much now, and I feel OK about it.

[SpiralOut]

I used to have the same problem as your sister, I would complain so much. I remember I stopped doing it with one of my friends because she refused to engage in the conversation whenever it went somewhere negative. She stopped offering advice, reassurance, sympathy, etc. She never called me out on it, but I still got the hint that she didn't like what I was doing.

 

 

Stop showing interest in her drama. Change the subject. Ask her if anything good has happened to her today.

 

 

If she's really extreme that might not work. I work with a woman so negative that she'll just argue if you tell her to stop being so negative. Depending how your sister is, you may have to reduce contact. Some people don't get the hint until they look around and see that nobody talks to them anymore.

[melissacus]

Agh, I have been there way too many times with my own family members. I have always been the one in my family who "has it together" (in reality, I have my own problems, I just deal with them very independently). But, to narrow in on one sibling in particular, one of my older sisters sounds very similar to yours. Well, how she used to be. I'm the kind of person who will let a loved one unload their baggage on me so they can feel a little relief, the problem with that is that they don't feel relief. You want to be able to do that for them by listening and offering them positive advice, but that's not what they want nor is it what they need. You being an ear for your sister when she needs it is a noble thing to do and she probably needs it sometimes. But if she's merely dumping her negativity on you when she's really not dealing with anything severe, then you are doing a disservice to you and to her. She needs to grow as a person and look inwards to improve her life, all you can do is be there for her when she truly NEEDS it. Put your foot down gently and lovingly. Stop responding to her drama and negativity.

[preraph]

I know that negative people just crave love and positive energy, but I'm afraid I don't have that much energy to feed her. What can I do???

 

Actually, negative people don't necessarily crave positive energy. If someone is complaining, they usually want validation and empathy. So if they say, "Work was so stressful today, I hate my job," they don't want to hear, "You're lucky you have a job and think positive." They want to hear, "Oh, I'm sorry you're having a hard time at your job right now. Work can be so stressful. What is going on?" And then some brainstorming to see if there is anything to be done about it. People want their feelings acknowledged, not contradicted.