Am I Starting an Affair?

[redmountains]

I have been in an abusive relationship for many years. I am getting close to being able to leave it.

 

My s/o introduced me to one of his friends about a year ago. It turned out that I wound up needing his help, and we ended up working on a project together which lasted for most of the summer. We were attracted to each other right away. He is married, and at first neither of us acknowledged the attraction. Then, we ended up discussing it, and he told me at the time he would never cheat on his wife, and said he loved her very much. I took him at his word.

 

We had hugged a few times, or sort of held each other, but it never went further than that. Then, our project ended. But, my s/o and I still see this person quite a bit. Even though my s/o's friend told me he would not do anything with me, which was fine, he can't stop making intense eye contact with me whenever he is over. I can feel him looking at me. He does make a point to look at me, and we hold eye contact for many seconds, to the point where my boyfriend said something about it the last time his friend was over. I still sometimes think that the eye contact is just an intense gaze, and nothing more, so I was surprised somewhat when my boyfriend said something.

 

His friend always gives me hugs when he comes over, and it seems that they do get longer as time goes on. Now the last time he was over, the three of us were standing at a table looking at something and talking about it, and his friend pushed up against me, and stood like that with me, his whole side touching me. It sort of surprised me. I felt like he was trying to give me a message, but it is still in my head he said he wouldn't cheat, so I thought maybe he wasn't aware that he was touching me.

 

This man and I email back and forth sometimes, but never anything remotely romantic. He does know I am in a bad relationship. He told me recently to call him if I needed his help. Well, after I saw him the last time, I sent him a message, asking him if he wanted to come hang out with me for a while, and just sit and talk. I know I shouldn't have, but of course, this guy and I have such a strong connection, and I am dying for someone to talk to.

 

He didn't answer me at first. I felt bad afterward, like I had done something terrible, so I wrote to apologize. Then, he wrote back and said he did want to come and hang out with me, and that he wasn't ignoring me, but thinking. He didn't say what he was thinking about, and I was afraid to ask.

 

I did write back, and said I would like to hang out with him still, and told him when I would be free. I asked if he could make sure he was free on the day I specified. He wrote back and said that he would be, but that was all. He didn't say anything else, just that he would be free.

 

I don't know what to think now. I keep thinking he won't cheat, so he intends to just come over and hang out...but now I am wondering if this sounds like the beginning of an affair. I can't tell from his emails what he is thinking. He just sounds platonic. Is he just being a good friend? Or did I just start an affair?

[Gloria25]

Another circumstance of someone choosing to step outside of their RL (an affair) instead of work on the problems in their RL.

 

I believe an affair should be the last thing on your list of things to initiate.

 

If you are in an abusive RL, an affair can also result in an escalation of the abuse and/or even the guy you plan to do it with getting hurt by your abuser.

 

I believe your focus should be on doing what you need to do to get out this abusive RL (i.e. battered woman's shelter, move back with your parents, getting counseling).

[redmountains]

But I am focusing on getting myself out. I did write that I am almost out of it. I choose to leave it. But that wasn't my question. It may not be fair to call it the start of an affair. For all I know, the guy could chastise me about contacting him once he gets here. It's not like he said he was excited to see me or anything. He has not led me on in any way through his emails. I was trying to ask for insight. I can't tell if he is interested in initiating an affair, or if he is just being polite and trying to be there for me. I really can't tell. That's why I'm asking.

[ascendotum]

You would be better off catching up with him and his wife at the same time,for dinner or drinks. No one here is going to tell you having an affair with a married man is a good idea (even though many on here have done it).

A.You would be jeopardizing his marriage.

B. You would incur more wrath from your husband.

C.You would break up the friendship he and your husband have.

Sleeping with your good mates wife/gf is a dirty mongrel act,and I guess you could say the same in regards to your wife/gf bonking your close friends...though it changes in severity if the main couple is separated.

 

Don't do it, but I don't see any problem in seeking him out for support, just as it does not look suspicious to your husband or his wife by having clandestine meetings. Look he could well fancy you and feel closer bonding with you over your relationship woes, but his logic/sense of right is putting the hand brake on any desires.

[purplesorrow]

If his wife and your SO don't know what's going on with your friendship, your relationship with him at the very least is inappropriate. Would you ask him to come and hang out with you in front of his wife? You are both on that slippery slope.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes you're starting an emotional affair. All of this longing and desire and tempting each other to meet and messaging behind your partner's backs, it's not appropriate when you are both in relationships, irregardless of the quality or longevity of those relationships. If you wouldn't be doing all of this in front of your partners then it's on the road to cheating, and it's already deception.

 

Stop seeing or talking to him unless it's a group thing already organised, and work on exiting your relationship safely. Until you're single and he's divorced neither of you are in any position to be starting something and it's so addictive now, every interaction is loaded with desire and attraction. It's heady, but dangerous, and rarely ends well.

[Quiet Storm]

You are being really selfish here. Here is a guy that has made it clear that he loves his wife and doesn't want to cheat on her. He feels sexual attraction to you, but instead of backing away and setting boundaries, you are offering yourself up to him on a silver platter. Whereas before you were a woman he found to be attractive, but didn't consider cheating, your invites have him thinking. You are determined to make yourself relevant, because your own selfish needs for companionship. You are not a good friend or person when you help someone be a shltty person. Granted, he should shut you down, but your own abusive relationship doesn't make it OK to insert yourself into other people's marriages. And Glorias right, if your husband is abusive, you could be putting yourself and this guy in danger.

[elaine567]

As you are in an abusive relationship, you will be hungry for "good" attention. You will be desperate for someone to rescue you, someone to talk to, someone to show you affection, someone who understands.

 

Unfortunately here that person is a MM AND the friend of your abusive bf, and not only is that a poor choice of rescuer, you are going to mess up his life and that of his wife too, not to mention your bf.

 

You will be like a dry sponge and he is the rain, but this will have no fairy tale ending, this will be messy, seriously messy.

[No Limit]

Get into counseling and get your divorce/leave started instead of trying to convince yourself by saying over and over again "almost there".

 

The only thing I disagree with from what was already written is the part about her offering herself; just because there's bait doesn't mean the guy has to get into the trap. It's still his choice. Of course, he might also be considering the choice of telling others about your behavior OP.

[elaine567]

Get into counseling and get your divorce/leave started instead of trying to convince yourself by saying over and over again "almost there".

 

Agreed a counselor is a far better "rescuer".

[Friskyone4u]

Why go from an abusive relationship to a relationship that will most likely end in a mess for you and others.???

 

Being in an abusive relationship is terrible but you should not use your hurt from that to inflict it on another. There is no doubt you can probably tempt him enough to cheat with you.

 

Other than the ego kibbles, how will that help you??????

[Confused48]

I can see you are new here. Spend some time reading the stories of others here. Check out the Infidelity section. You will see that your story is a very common, albeit potentially catastrophically disastrous one.

 

This man that you are using, he may or may not have done this before. He may be as unaware of how these thing work as you. If he was genuine when he said he didn't want to cheat with you, then I suspect this is his first time in an affair too.

 

Lets be clear, it is an affair already. If he would not want his wife to know what he has said to you and how he touches you, then it is an affair and you are the other woman.

 

If you care about this person, or have any kind of scruples, you will stop tempting him. You will end this and find a single guy to be your escape from your "abusive" relationship.

 

If you can, you should be truly honorable and just leave your current relationship before starting a new one. But for gods sake, don't tempt a married man into ruining his family and his wife and children's lives, just bc you can't break up with an abusive partner.

 

BTW, lots of women who are attracted to men other than their partner, suddenly describe the current relationship as "abusive." When previously they would maybe have said, "We don't always see eye to eye." Its is called rewriting history and its as common as everything else you wrote about here.

[Gloria25]

But I am focusing on getting myself out. I did write that I am almost out of it. I choose to leave it. But that wasn't my question. It may not be fair to call it the start of an affair. For all I know, the guy could chastise me about contacting him once he gets here. It's not like he said he was excited to see me or anything. He has not led me on in any way through his emails. I was trying to ask for insight. I can't tell if he is interested in initiating an affair, or if he is just being polite and trying to be there for me. I really can't tell. That's why I'm asking.

 

Ok, being "out" of an abusive situation and just "talking" about it are two different things...and often, victims do that a lot. They flip/flop. The may even move out and back in a week.

 

Please, take serious steps and leave this abusive situation. That's where your energies, thoughts, desires should be. Then, I also recommend you get personal counseling to discover how/why you've been in an abusive RL because an affair is not going to give you the guidance and healing you need to become a healthier and happier person in the long run.

 

Yes, the attention and affection from an affair is like fast food...but, in the end you're gonna end up gaining some weight.

 

And, who cares if this guy wants to "be" there for you and/or have an affair. Doesn't matter. Cuz, a counselor, family, friends should be that source of support/strength for you.

 

Don't fan the flames here. If you haven't started an affair, all this pondering about what this guy may/may not want is fanning the flames and serving as a reason for you to put off getting out of your abusive situation.

[whichwayisup]

How is having an affair while getting out of an abusive relationship good and healthy for you? All I see is you exchanging one form of pain for another.

 

Think about just having NO men in your life until you are emotionally ready.

[redmountains]

I am in counseling. I have been since about six months into the relationship. I did go to a DV shelter once, but was finally asked to leave because I could not do the "job" they wanted me to do four hours a day. That's the deal when you go to shelters, you have to do labor in exchange for the room and board. Well, I have MS, and couldn't DO the job they wanted me to do. They told me never to come back because they could not accomodate me.

 

It isn't very easy to leave an abusive relationship, despite what people think. It's not just as simple as walking out the door with the clothes on your back, NOT IF you're going to give yourself the best chance of success. It's not that simple. My counselor says that sometimes you are better off making plans well before leaving to give yourself the best chance, and sometimes that might even take a few years. Her advice was to take my time, and go to school, since then I would be innoculated against being in ANOTHER abusive relationship once I leave this one. So that's what I've been doing. I am almost done, after four years!

 

I will be graduating with my bachelor's in August, and then I will be in a position to look for a job. I also have no car, by the way, and no money of my own, and no credit either! I have no bills in my name. And, no, I have no family to help. Not one person. If anyone had been available to help me, I would not have ended up with this man.

 

I am not looking to sleep with this guy. I would probably feel awful if I did, although yes, that attraction is strong, and I would love to. But I am not trying to ruin anyone's life here. Yes, I just feel very lonely, and appreciate this fellow's company. I respected his decision not to cheat. In fact, I had not asked him to. We were only addressing the attraction at the time when he said it. I don't think he has any intention to sleep with me. I think he just likes my company too, and feels it is okay to come over for some coffee at least. But I was wondering if it sounds like the beginning of an affair. I guess it does. This isn't how I meant it to come across to him when I wrote, but then later I wondered if that is exactly what I meant. So, yes, I see the slippery slope. But of course, I really want to see him, so now I'm not sure what I will do, though I can see the advice I have been given here is not to. I just don't know about that.

 

No, he would not touch me that way in front of his wife. He won't even hug me in front of her. She has been here a couple times with him very briefly. It was hard, because we had a hard time not looking at each other. It is interesting to me though that he does not have that issue in front of my s/o. He doesn't care if he is around. He talks to me like my s/o isn't even there. In fact, a few times, the two of us had been talking about something pertaining to just the two of us, and when my s/o asked what we were talking about this man told him to nevermind the conversation. He has no problems whatsoever being private with me in front of him. By the way, my s/o does know I invited him over. I told him. The man knows my boyfriend knows, also, but doesn't seem to care. He knows that my boyfriend will not be home. I don't know what any of that means. The last time that his wife was here with him, she made some comment about this being her 3rd marriage, and it would be her last. She joked and said they would never divorce. She said isn't that right honey. He just turned and walked away from her and said whatever you say honey. Yes, I do see the slippery slope. And I appreciate the feedback from everyone.

 

For the record, my counselor knows about this man. She has said nothing about his marriage, but knows that we spent a lot of time together. But her opinion about my s/o is that he doesn't deserve even the slightest consideration. She thinks I should worry about being fair to myself, not to him.

 

Thanks again for all the advice.

[redmountains]

Someone asked about age. I am 50; he is 48. There are no small children involved. We each have adult children, over 25, not living at home.