Advice please

[sickntired]

I've been reading the board for several days now, thought maybe someone could help me as well.

 

This is going to be long, but in order to get the big picture, have to tell it. I also want to say, I love my husband dearly but just cannot seem to get past all the things he's done to me.

 

(Indiana) He moved into my house '89 because he had no where else to stay. I told him when he moved in, I didn't need him but he could sleep there if he needed too. Eventually, we fell in love. The first year we were together, he cried on my shoulder over his ex-girlfriend who had booted him out (which is how he came to be with no place to stay). During this time he also constantly told me of another woman whom he carried on & on about being the most beautiful thing he's ever laid his eyes on.

 

After a year, he decided he wanted to move to be closer to his son (Memphis). I had 2 daughters prior to him moving in that he would have nothing to do with. His excuse was that it made him feel guilty dealing with my children when he couldn't see his child. I even bought major Christmas presents and shipped them to his son (to which his ex-wife stated she knew I had done that because he had never done anything remotely close before).

 

So we move, 500 miles from my hometown. One of the first people he brings to the house is the "most beautiful thing he's ever laid his eyes on". For months he fixed her car, her friends cars, etc....all for free. He's spending hours on the phone with his ex-wife discussing all his problems, whats going on with his life, etc, he's also now fixing all of his ex-wife & her family/friends cars for free as well. All my complaining/ranting/raving did nothing.

 

Now once we moved and his son could come over. His child had a separate set of rules from mine. He stated his child did not live there so therefore he was a guest, he could not punish him nor correct him because he did not live there. So thru my daughters entire growing up, they were treated different than my step-son. My step-son could do no wrong & my daughters could do no right. My step-son (9/10yr old) wanted a go-cart so my husband got it for him. He was told not to be acting crazy with the girls in the go-cart (4 & 6). He takes the go-cart w/my 6yr old in it, takes it around the corner into someone's back yard that he thought he was safe in & starting doing donuts. It threw my 6yr old out, bruised her up pretty good....she had a bruise on the inside of her thigh the size of my hand & I was mad. My husband said oh well, wasn't anything he could do. I raised so much hell about it, he called his ex-wife. His ex-mother-in-law calls me then to tell me "how dare I say anything about anything his son does to my daughters". WTF! His son has taken my daughters in the woods in abandon houses that he was told not to go into, attempted to set them on fire & leaving my daughters in the house (daughters at this time....6/8). His son has fondled my daughters when they were young, laying on top of them, try'g to "stick it in", etc. To which I simply got excuses, everyone plays dr. By this time the step-son was 12ish (min), I don't see how its considered fine/normal for a 12yr old to play dr & try to have sex w/a 6yr old. But again, I loved him and took all the excuses. It has always been this way with my step-son. Step-son could blame me for something & husband auto takes his word & I'm in trouble. I've always thought his butt was lined in gold or something. I've always called him on the double standard, he's just always said I was crazy. Now he wonders why my daughters are resentful of the step-son.

 

Many things happened during this time. We got into a huge fight over his favoritism of his son, 1 time ending with my having to have plastic surgery to put my nose back together. One time at the lake, same favoritism bs, I called him on it & got drug down the rocks, legs scraped all the way thigh/shin & thrown into the water. I missed work on both occasions. He would sneak & do valiums and then do mean things, to which he stated didn't happen because he couldn't remember it. He has shot a dog at 6am in my kitchen because it was getting in the trash w/my kids getting ready for school in the next room. To which I might add, he says was an accident, except that I saw him do it. During the valium times, he has called me at work...given me 15 mins to get home to get my kids or he was going to shoot them. (To which I called the Sheriff, told him what was going on & told him, if he so much as comes outta my house the least bit threatening, I'm going to run his butt over!) He has shown his butt at my job(s). He has pounced me from the doorway of our bedroom, landing on my chest w/his knees on my shoulders....spitting in my face asking me what I'm going to do about it. Yet, that didn't happen because he was on valiums & doesn't remember it. Way too much stuff to list it all....but I hope you get the picture.

 

He has lied to me numerous times. His opinion is its never about anything important. My opinion is, if you'll lie about the little stuff, you'll lie about the big.

 

He has lost his dl on many occasions thru the years, complete disregard for the laws. For some reason he thinks they apply to everyone but him. Have been numerous times thru the years that I have had to take my full pay check just to pay his fines. I have bailed him out of jail 3 times in 1 wk before, all of which were for the samething. All of which he thought was funny & dumped it on me to handle. I have always worked in the legal field so it always came to me. When he was arrested for felon carrying a gun, I took care of the paperwork to have his felony set aside, did the order, schd the hearing, spoke with the Judge, had his local court date post-poned until he got back. I've handled many child support issues for him with his ex-wife.

 

In '98 he decided he wanted to move again. This time to LV to be closer to his brother. What a nightmare!! Within weeks of moving, his family started accusing me of various stuff. All of which were untrue. They would complain that I was unsocialable yet never called to ask me to go, simply lied & said they did. He believed it all. His reasoning "he knew how I was". This went on for over a year. He had no problem sacrificing me & the girls for his family once again. It was a daily thing, he would come in mad because they called him & said I did something else; or the girls said/did something. I tried to defend myself to which he stated I never had any witnesses. I had a small party for my daughters birthday, those people were invited. I was sitting at the table w/husband's boss & the neighbor, his neice walks in trying to start something with me. I wouldn't do anything but nod, I didn't want to have anything come back that I said this or that. Neice walks into the garage w/husband and turns on the tears, "why is Auntie so mean to me........." Husband walks out of the garage & jumps my butt in front of everyone about being mean to his neice. (btw the neice is 28yrs old!!). I said I didn't do anything to her, didn't even say 1 word, I have witnesses ask them. Husband then informs me he doesn't care how many witnesses I have. I did have a problem with the neice but had never said anything to her. The woman was 28yr old, w/2 kids & married.....but had no problem with laying across her uncles bed, rubbing her butt ask'g "Uncle does this make you horney". I'm sorry, I think if you're neice does make you horney, something is wrong!! The family war there started over my sister-in-law who I was feeding her son dinner nightly, my step-son was graduating & my brother-in-law had commented he wanted to go. I was talk'g to my s-i-l on the phone and mentioned it, she hatefully advised me that "he is uncle only in name only, he ain't nothing to us, I have my own family to deal with" and hung up. I didn't say anything, I waited until husband got home and discussed it with him. I didn't want to start nothing. Husband then tells neice's husband who ran home and told neice, who then called s-i-l. I woke up the next morning to the phone ringing, was s-i-l scream'g & cussing me & then hung up. I was like wtf!

 

We lived in LV for 6 yrs. About 2 yrs before we moved again, he decided he wanted this big boat. 22ft cuddy cabin, I didnt' want it, but he had to have it. Husband's best friend is getting a divorce, the day his ex-wife leaves town she calls me. Said she was afraid of retialiation before she was heading out of town, but now that she was safe she needed to tell me something she thought I should know. First let me say, husband said one weekend he wanted to go to the lake w/that new boat. My oldest daughter wanted to go too, he said no. He said he needed some "me" time and didn't want anyone to go, except for his friend. I stayed home with our 3 wk old newborn twins. Which brings me to ex-wifes story. I had a problem with his story that day, asked him straight up, what are you going to do that you don't want anyone to see/know? Ex-wife tells me that that day, her husband (now ex) took some swedish flight attendent w/him & my husband had taken a blonde parts girl with him. Naturally, he denies.

 

But I have learned, tell your story....make it good, but if you get caught.....deny, deny, deny.

 

So now, we're moved again. (MS) Husband told me before we moved for me to handle it. So I did. Bought a house from LV, had utitlies, ph, etc all on before we got here. He did nothing but pack the truck & drive. We just signed the papers on the house & its all in our name now. To which, again he did nothing. I did all the paperwork, clean'd up all the credit, etc. During the final days of closing on the house, husband decides he has to have a new car.

 

Now I hear last night, step-son doesn't come over because of me & the girls. OMG give me a break!!!!!!! His son & his wife have both told me they can't handle all the scream'g & yelling my husband does.

 

Husband is like, gotta forgive/forget. How do you do that?? How can you just set yourself up again?? I truly believe if the opportunity arose again w/one of his family members, we (me & the kids) would once again be the sacrifice. If someone has been promising for years to change & never does, only stays good long enough to get you over whatever it was....then right back to sos, how do you believe them?

 

Right before we moved from LV, husband comes to me in the shower. All smiles, says he has something bothering him & needs to get it off his chest. Remember Sherry Torvik (OMG how could I forget....most beautiful thing you ever laid your eyes on!) well 12 yrs ago, I was over at her house & she had just gotten out of the shower and was naked, all but a towel while I was there. Nothing happened just wanted you to know.

 

And he wonders why the past is an issue???????????????????????

 

He says, get over it nothing you can do about it. I say there are issues, past/present/future that have to be dealt w/. Simply ignoring them is not going to make anything better.

 

At this point, I'm very bitter. I'm very hurt. I have no self-confidence left, no self worth. I feel fat & ugly. Then again, I'm not the most beautiful thing he's ever laid his eyes on. Or a tittie dancer, which is what his ex-girlfriend was.

 

What I don't get is how he can say he loves me so much. He wouldn't treat a stranger the way he's treated me. I'm suppose to be a duck, let it all roll off my back. I dont' know how to do that.

 

I have lost me, I no longer exist. Now, I'm just a bitter, resentful shell of the happy person I once was.

 

I don't know how to get me back. This is truly an instance of loving someone else more than yourself. I let myself be killed to make him happy, only....it didn't make him happy.

 

I've told him several times recently. I just don't know what he has to be so unhappy about. All he does is yell, scream, complain. He has never, in 16 yrs helped me clean house, take care of kids, laundry, cooking, etc. He brings dogs in, they mess.....its my responsiblity to clean/scrape it up. His only job is to complain if its there/not done quick enough/etc.

 

This man owns his own home (that all he had to do was show up & sign the papers for), new car (he had to have), healthy, healthy kids, good job.....yet he's still a miserable person.

 

I'm sorry to be long winded, there is soo much more. I'm desperate for some kind of happiness. I haven't been happy in a very long time. I haven't felt loved in a very long time, well at least not from my husband. We live pretty much like brother/sister.....very little to no sex, no hugging, no kissing (he says its grose...altho never use to be that way, maybe it was just during the time he was try'g to woo me?), no touching. He's a stranger to me. It has only gotten worse since the boys were born. There has been virtually nothing between us, no intimacy since then. Only got worse when I was pg w/the twins & after they were born. What little was there before has been gone for many yrs. He use to say I wanted to be stuck up his butt all the time, cause I was always touching him, etc. He complained/b*tch'd constantly about it, so finally I quit. Now, he decides he wants that back. WTF, how do you get something back that you didnt' want in the first place???? He tells me constantly I don't do anything for him, yet cannot think of anything he does for me.

 

Now, he says he found "God" and I'm suppose to forget everything and start fresh. How can you?? It was last night he told me about his son & reason he doesn't come over is me & the girls, sure sounds like history repeating itself. He kicked a door in 2 weekends ago. Constantly threatening me with a divorce. I know people can change, but how can they expect you to just snap your fingers and forget 16 yrs of emotional/mental abuse? How are you not going to use past experiences to protect yourself from future?? He says I'm wrong, typical. I say, after so long & so much....you don't trust every word, you don't open yourself up like you use too....why? because you've learned in the past that was not a good thing & therefore you protect yourself. Husband is constantly telling me I live in the past. Ignoring what has happened will not make it go away, nor make it better. When he shot the dog, no one in my house was allowed to even discuss it because "it upset him to bad", yet, how are we to deal with it if we're not even allowed to discuss it? Ignore it?? After years of empty promises/broken promises, you're just suppose to believe every word & go on?

 

Now, there are 6 kids. his son, my 2 daughters & our 3 sons together.

 

Thanks for any input

 

Mona

[binturong]

Leave him. Immediately. He is an abuser and he and his family are nothing but bad news for you and your daughters.

[sickntired]

Originally posted by binturong

Leave him. Immediately. He is an abuser and he and his family are nothing but bad news for you and your daughters.

 

That wasn't the answer I was looking for

 

I can't believe the only way to make it better to is leave. He says he wants to change, has God in his life now, give him the benefit of the doubt, takes time, etc. I'm just having a hard time being all believing. I'm having a hard time not having a constant attitude with him. I'm having a hard time not being constantly defensive. I just don't know how to get past it all now that, after 16 yrs he's finally decided he wants to change. I don't know how to not be bitter towards him. (

 

but thanks for replying.

[Pocky]

I didn't read all of it. I stopped at the part where you allowed your daughters to be molested by his step son because you loved his father too much to leave.

 

I'm not going to come down on you because you are an abused wife and in this situation it's hard to be rational and reasonable, but you need to really think about something and think about it seriously.

 

You allowed your daughters to be molested so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

You allowed your daughters to be mistreated so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

You allowed your daughters to live in danger so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

The fact that you compromised the well-being of your daughters for this man should give you enough evidence to know that he is an abuser, his son is an abuser and you've compromised enough.

 

It was time to leave a long time ago. Do it now, before your daughters end up with men like your and are abused their whole lives.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm telling you this as a Christian. If he's truly found God then his actions are not showing that. He's not trying to change. He's just not.

 

You have stayed with this person through way too much crap, Christian or no Christian. He's not even remorseful for his actions when he should be trying to do everything in his power to make up for treating you like a piece of garbage.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but if you didn't want to hear the truth then why come here and ask for advice??

 

I got tired of reading about all the abuse he put you through.

 

What the previous posters said about your daughters turned my stomach. My mother allowed me to be molested by her husband, rather than believe me and leave him. Because it would have been to hard on her to do so. You cannot imagine the agony that her decision put me through. I will never be the same because of her selfishness. I have PTSD and have had to be hospitalized before.

This has already been done in the past to your daughters- please make the decision to put them first. You are the only one that can protect them, that was your responsibility. You may have a chance of mending a relationship with them if you do it now. My relationship with my mother was never mended because she CHOSE someone else over me.

 

Leave him.

[sickntired]

Originally posted by Pocky

I didn't read all of it. I stopped at the part where you allowed your daughters to be molested by his step son because you loved his father too much to leave.

 

I'm not going to come down on you because you are an abused wife and in this situation it's hard to be rational and reasonable, but you need to really think about something and think about it seriously.

 

You allowed your daughters to be molested so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

You allowed your daughters to be mistreated so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

You allowed your daughters to live in danger so you wouldn't have to leave your husband.

 

The fact that you compromised the well-being of your daughters for this man should give you enough evidence to know that he is an abuser, his son is an abuser and you've compromised enough.

 

It was time to leave a long time ago. Do it now, before your daughters end up with men like your and are abused their whole lives.

 

NO I DID NOT! When I was told at first by the girls, it sounded innocent. Still innocent sounding or not, created many arguments in my house. The step-son did not come over for a long time afterwards. I did not hear a different story until a few years ago. I would have prosecuted his little butt had I been told that story from beginning. Now that they're 18 & 20.....step-son is 26 married w/a 2 yr old, seems a little late. When I was told, we were over 1500 miles from the step-son. He has not been alone with my kids since the "innocent" story.

[PatientOne]

I do so hope this is a fake post. This has everything but sadomasochistic necrophiliac animal molesters in it.

 

 

 

Originally posted by sickntired

That wasn't the answer I was looking for

 

Right, ask for advice then discount it. Your judgement has been so good until now...

[Pocky]

My step-son (9/10yr old) wanted a go-cart so my husband got it for him. He was told not to be acting crazy with the girls in the go-cart (4 & 6). He takes the go-cart w/my 6yr old in it, takes it around the corner into someone's back yard that he thought he was safe in & starting doing donuts. It threw my 6yr old out, bruised her up pretty good....she had a bruise on the inside of her thigh the size of my hand & I was mad. My husband said oh well, wasn't anything he could do.

 

His son has taken my daughters in the woods in abandon houses that he was told not to go into, attempted to set them on fire & leaving my daughters in the house (daughters at this time....6/8). His son has fondled my daughters when they were young, laying on top of them, try'g to "stick it in", etc.

 

We got into a huge fight over his favoritism of his son, 1 time ending with my having to have plastic surgery to put my nose back together.

 

 

One time at the lake, same favoritism bs, I called him on it & got drug down the rocks, legs scraped all the way thigh/shin & thrown into the water.

 

 

He has shot a dog at 6am in my kitchen because it was getting in the trash w/my kids getting ready for school in the next room.

 

You need to take responsibility for your actions just as much as he does. You enabled this to happen by not removing yourself and your children from the situation. I understand that abused women have difficulties with reality and can become so mind ****ed that they can't see a way out of a situation, but when you have children and you allow your children to be mistreated and abused someone needs to step in and shake the **** out of you do what you need to do.

 

How can you look at this man and want to be with him knowing what he has done? How can look at him knowing that not a stranger, but the very man you've been married to has endangered your life, endangered the life of your children and treated you worse than a stranger passing on the street?

 

I think you need help. I think you need to call a counseling center for women and I think you need to talk this through with someone. The story you told is horrid. Truly horrid. No one should be treated this way. You are an abused wife. If you don't do anything about it he may kill you one day.

[RecordProducer]

What was the answer you expected? You wanted us to tell you that he can actually change? To recommend marriage counseling or forgiveness for the monster you dearly love?

My mother was married to a monster similar to yours so I won't ask you how low your self-respect has to be in order to put up with all he did to you.

My mother finally divorced him when my ex-husband told her that the stepfather molested me since age 12-14. But if she left him when he was beating her in front of me, when I was 8 and 9, it would have never happened to me. She said "He did it to me (the beating), it has nothing to do with you."

When you see that someone is a bastard, how far will you let him go? My mom had no place to go, but what hurts me so bad is that she actually loved him despite of what he was doing to her.

By the way, are you sure that he didn't molest your daughters? You ruined their childhood and they will start accusing you for that very soon. Once they get married and move, they will probably be reluctant to visit you and your husband.

You don't want to leave him so stay with him and live like a piece of sh*t. You believe you don't deserve any better. Soon you will start having various health problems, because of the repressed pain and stressed you've experienced in the last 15 years.

You will certainly miss a lot if you leave him. I mean, who's going to humiliate you and your 5 children? And god forbid, you might find someone who would like to touch you and kiss you which is gross.

And NO, he doesn't love you. He is not capable of feeling love. He is a defective person. Trash.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by PatientOne

I do so hope this is a fake post.

 

So do I.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I cannot believe that someone would have actually put up with all of that.

 

I don't care when it was or who it was, if someone molested or attempted to molest my children then there would be some real issues......... I don't care- and then for him to give favor to the little monster after he did it was like an additional slap in the face to the stepdaughters.

 

I can tell you one hundred percent how those girls feel- if not now they will. They will feel like the only person in the world who could have protected them, didn't.

That is not a good feeling, especially when that person is your mother.

 

Sad, sad, sad. I feel more sorry for them, than I do the poster. At least she had a choice, they didn't. They were drug along with all of this, unable to do a thing about it.

 

I don't mean to be ugly, but it's just a sore spot with me. A very sore one, because I've been living with the results of my mothers actions since a very young age. I know the scars it can cause.

[RecordProducer]

PIXIE, me too.

[Craig]

This kind of thing happens everyday it is not new and it is not that unusual. Sicntired is asking for help from the depths of a pit so deep that seems confusing and hopeless. Leaving immediately is an option but is rarely done. It's easy for anyone else to say leave the SOB now, but it isn't that easy when you are just beginning to start to understand what is/has been going on in your relationship.

 

Sicntired, I understand what you are going through, what you are feeling and how insurmountable your problems seem. There is hope for a better future for you, however you will need to start learning about domestic violence and abuse. There should be domestic violence centers in your area and you can call them, get an appointment to see an advocate/counsellor and begin your journey to the person you used to be.

 

Here are some links on domestic violence to get you started...

 

http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm

 

http://www.ci.kent.wa.us/domesticviolence/generalinfo/wheel.asp

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry Craig but I would stay in a homeless shelter before I allowed my children to have to reside with someone who tried to molest them.

[Craig]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I'm sorry Craig but I would stay in a homeless shelter before I allowed my children to have to reside with someone who tried to molest them.

I acknowledge your point of view Mz. Pixie, my point of view comes from knowing that survivors of domestic violence/abuse often times need to learn more about their situation and their options before they ultimately choose to address the problem by leaving the abuser. A woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before she finally leaves for good.

 

To simply say "leave the SOB" could be a good thing to say if Sicntired was ready to leave. If she is not ready to leave then that kind of advice falls on deaf ears and in the end does no good. In the end, it is likely that sicntired will leave her abuser but in the meantime she needs to start learning about domestic violence, get some sort of support system going and start to get her life back.

[whichwayisup]

seems a little late

 

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE.

 

Do you have any clue what emotional damage has been done to your daughters?? Trust is ALWAYS going to be an issue. FOREVER.

 

Get them therapy. I have two close friends who were sexually and emotionally abused growing up. As adults some of these past issues haunt them to this very day.

 

I can't comment on anything more of your life. All I know is I see alot of excuses...And again, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE. Are you scared of rocking the boat?

[sickntired]

No sense in trying to defend myself...........I'm sorry, I asked.

[RecordProducer]

Unlike the people who just read the part about your step-son trying to molest your daughters, I read the whole post, everything you wrote. I don't think that very part is so relevant now, but everything else is. You're living with a person whose personality is awful. You love him and you want to stay with him. That's fine. You never cared about anyone else but him and you. Your children were never in the first place. You even bore three sons in order to keep the love of your life. He treats you like sh*t and you're enjoying it. It seems like that. He is the constant source of your unhappiness and you want it to stay that way.

I asked you a question, but you ignored it: are you absolutely sure that he never molested (had sex or touched the intimate parts of) your daughters? If you, how? If I were you, I would talk to them and ask them. I've been molested and never had the courage to tell my mom. When I turned 23, my ex-husband told her.

Anyway, I have a feeling that you don't even lisdten to what I am telling you and honestly, I don't care! Thank god I am not in your shoes, but I was in your daughters' shoes. I never forgave my mother that she put me through so much pain, because she married that man.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with you Record Producer. We're giving her the perspective from her daughters side of the fence. She doesn't appear to want to listen. She feels we're picking on her rather than giving her a honest dose of reality.

 

Sometimes the truth is not what he want to hear. I can't possibly sit here and sugar coat this situation for anyone because I know how dearly I paid for my mother's mistakes.

[sickntired]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Unlike the people who just read the part about your step-son trying to molest your daughters, I read the whole post, everything you wrote. I don't think that very part is so relevant now, but everything else is. You're living with a person whose personality is awful. You love him and you want to stay with him. That's fine. You never cared about anyone else but him and you. Your children were never in the first place. You even bore three sons in order to keep the love of your life. He treats you like sh*t and you're enjoying it. It seems like that. He is the constant source of your unhappiness and you want it to stay that way.

I asked you a question, but you ignored it: are you absolutely sure that he never molested (had sex or touched the intimate parts of) your daughters? If you, how? If I were you, I would talk to them and ask them. I've been molested and never had the courage to tell my mom. When I turned 23, my ex-husband told her.

Anyway, I have a feeling that you don't even lisdten to what I am telling you and honestly, I don't care! Thank god I am not in your shoes, but I was in your daughters' shoes. I never forgave my mother that she put me through so much pain, because she married that man.

 

No, my husband has never molested my children that I would bet my life on. He's not that type of person. He is the type of person who would do anything for anyone. If anything happens with anyone with my daughters, they tell me about it. Most of those things happened several years ago, he has changed alot. He no longer does any drugs, he no longer drinks. My children have been most important, I've fought for/with them for years. I simply was trying to keep the family together. Whether anyone can understand or not, he has been there for them almost their entire lives; that's more than their real father. Yes, he was a major f up, but again, alot of that has changed. There is still much much more that needs to change. My biggest issue with him at this point is the yelling/screaming all the time and I'm having a hard time not being bitter. I asked how to forgive, get past....not to be judged, assumptions made & hurtful/snotty replies. For the record, my 20 yr old was a virgin till she was 19; my 17 yr old is still a virgin. My children are all very smart. None of them have ever gotten into any trouble, never suspended from school, etc. Considering the state of todays children/teenagers, my are pretty good.

 

I gave birth to 3 more children to keep him??? I don't think so. I had my tubes tied after my 17 yr old was born, tubal pg in '95 that I almost died from. They at that time retied & removed 3 inch sections, assured me it would never happen again. When I got pg w/my 6 yr old, the ob said it was a miracle; so we named him Matthew (Gift of God). The ob stated appeared via ultra-sound my tubes were still tied. 20 months later, pregnant with twins; I again almost died, spent 17 days in the hospital because I was so sick. So no matter what anyone thinks, my sons are suppose to be here.

 

There have been many occasions that I have thought of everything & considered leaving, I've even left him once. I believe that most people give up to easy. The easy thing to do is leave. I'm not a quitter. I have many friends who have been married for 30, 40, 50 years. Elderly couples. If you talk to them, listen to some of their horror stories; appears if those were posted here everyone would tell them to leave. That is exactly why the divorce rate is so high, its easier to quit than fight. Right or wrong.

 

I posted asking for some advice, I ended up being called everything from a bad mother to a what, sadist?? You know, another thing to be considered, I was 18 when my 20yr old was born; 35 when the twins were born. Don't you think that made a difference??? I was 22 when me & my husband got together; does not being young count for anything?

 

I'm 38 now, trust me. I don't take alot of crap from my husband anymore. I'll call him on it in a minute. The only issue is in giving up the past & I just don't know how to do that.

 

I'm sorry, I was at work and unable to reply until now.

[whichwayisup]

Now once we moved and his son could come over. His child had a separate set of rules from mine. He stated his child did not live there so therefore he was a guest, he could not punish him nor correct him because he did not live there. So thru my daughters entire growing up, they were treated different than my step-son. My step-son could do no wrong & my daughters could do no right. My step-son (9/10yr old) wanted a go-cart so my husband got it for him. He was told not to be acting crazy with the girls in the go-cart (4 & 6). He takes the go-cart w/my 6yr old in it, takes it around the corner into someone's back yard that he thought he was safe in & starting doing donuts. It threw my 6yr old out, bruised her up pretty good....she had a bruise on the inside of her thigh the size of my hand & I was mad. My husband said oh well, wasn't anything he could do. I raised so much hell about it, he called his ex-wife. His ex-mother-in-law calls me then to tell me "how dare I say anything about anything his son does to my daughters". WTF! His son has taken my daughters in the woods in abandon houses that he was told not to go into, attempted to set them on fire & leaving my daughters in the house (daughters at this time....6/8). His son has fondled my daughters when they were young, laying on top of them, try'g to "stick it in", etc. To which I simply got excuses, everyone plays dr. By this time the step-son was 12ish (min), I don't see how its considered fine/normal for a 12yr old to play dr & try to have sex w/a 6yr old. But again, I loved him and took all the excuses. It has always been this way with my step-son. Step-son could blame me for something & husband auto takes his word & I'm in trouble. I've always thought his butt was lined in gold or something. I've always called him on the double standard, he's just always said I was crazy. Now he wonders why my daughters are resentful of the step-son.

 

Sounds like your husband didn't respect you here. The stepson was given waaaayyy too much power over this situation! OFCOURSE your daughters are resentful!!!

 

I'm sorry to be long winded, there is soo much more. I'm desperate for some kind of happiness. I haven't been happy in a very long time. I haven't felt loved in a very long time, well at least not from my husband. We live pretty much like brother/sister

 

I think you need to re read the first post you wrote....Things aren't adding up and you're upset because noone is giving you the "aww it's okay speech."

 

There have been many occasions that I have thought of everything & considered leaving, I've even left him once. I believe that most people give up to easy. The easy thing to do is leave. I'm not a quitter. I have many friends who have been married for 30, 40, 50 years. Elderly couples. If you talk to them, listen to some of their horror stories; appears if those were posted here everyone would tell them to leave. That is exactly why the divorce rate is so high, its easier to quit than fight. Right or wrong.

 

I posted asking for some advice, I ended up being called everything from a bad mother to a what, sadist?? You know, another thing to be considered, I was 18 when my 20yr old was born; 35 when the twins were born. Don't you think that made a difference??? I was 22 when me & my husband got together; does not being young count for anything?

 

I'm 38 now, trust me. I don't take alot of crap from my husband anymore. I'll call him on it in a minute. The only issue is in giving up the past & I just don't know how to do that.

 

If you can't accept things, GO TO MC to work through all those issues, and there seems to be ALOT of issues, not only for you but your kids!

You are defending your choices and saying you're not a quitter...Well, what you are doing now is teaching your daughters that it is OK to stay with somebody who doesn't make you happy. To 'take all the crap and suck it up.'

 

TELL him MC to work through it all. IF you don't then all this is going to play in your head for the rest of your life.

[sickntired]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Sounds like your husband didn't respect you here. The stepson was given waaaayyy too much power over this situation! OFCOURSE your daughters are resentful!!!

 

 

 

I think you need to re read the first post you wrote....Things aren't adding up and you're upset because noone is giving you the "aww it's okay speech."

 

 

 

If you can't accept things, GO TO MC to work through all those issues, and there seems to be ALOT of issues, not only for you but your kids!

You are defending your choices and saying you're not a quitter...Well, what you are doing now is teaching your daughters that it is OK to stay with somebody who doesn't make you happy. To 'take all the crap and suck it up.'

 

TELL him MC to work through it all. IF you don't then all this is going to play in your head for the rest of your life.

 

My husband has acknowledged he screwed up with the favoritism, he's explained, apologized, cried, etc with my daughters. They are no ways near as resentful of their Dad as they are the step-son.

 

I was not look'g for the "awww its okay speech", I simply posted the issues I'm having a hard time forgiving.

 

No, I am teaching my daughters to not give up. Nothing is easy, everything takes work. Its ridiculous to think that there are people who are never "abused". Everyone is in some form or fashion at some point. Emotional/physical/mental whatever. Everyone goes thru it, its just a matter of how much there is. I'm sure you all would agree, would be much better to just leave, get a divorce the 1st time something happens. Big/small doesn't matter. Leave, leave, leave.

 

Again, I'm sorry I posted.

[sickntired]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I'm with you Record Producer. We're giving her the perspective from her daughters side of the fence. She doesn't appear to want to listen. She feels we're picking on her rather than giving her a honest dose of reality.

 

Sometimes the truth is not what he want to hear. I can't possibly sit here and sugar coat this situation for anyone because I know how dearly I paid for my mother's mistakes.

 

Geesh you people........I have been raped 3 times in my life. Once in my own bed while my drug'd up mother slept on the couch. Once by my father. I know how it feels. I know the signs, I've gone thru it again with my younger sisters who my father did the samething too. I even tried to get my sisters removed from his house to protect them. You have all these assumptions, when my sister was removed from his home.....they investigated mine & allowed us to have custody. I was sent off when I was 13 due to my mother being a drug abuser. I have been on my own all my life. Yes I've made bad decisions, as has everyone on this planet. If you were perfect, you'd be dead.

 

MY CHILDREN HAVE NOT BEEN RAPED/MOLESTED!!!!!!!!!!! I have talked with them many times. I do know the signs, I have always watched for them due to my past. Let me add before someone goes in this direction......I did not "watch" my husband because I assumed he was going to do something to them.....I watch all men around my daughters. Anyone can molest & I have always paid close attn to who & how much attn is paid to them.

 

I even played dr/show me yours & I'll show you mine when I was a kid. Now you can tell me how awful that is too.

[Pocky]

[PatientOne]

The original post:

 

 

Originally posted by sickntired

 

WTF! His son has taken my daughters in the woods in abandon houses that he was told not to go into, attempted to set them on fire & leaving my daughters in the house (daughters at this time....6/8). His son has fondled my daughters when they were young, laying on top of them, try'g to "stick it in", etc. To which I simply got excuses, everyone plays dr. By this time the step-son was 12ish (min), I don't see how its considered fine/normal for a 12yr old to play dr & try to have sex w/a 6yr old.

 

...

 

Thanks for any input

 

Mona

 

Then you said:

 

Originally posted by sickntired

MY CHILDREN HAVE NOT BEEN RAPED/MOLESTED!!!!!!!!!!! I have talked with them many times. I do know the signs, I have always watched for them due to my past.

 

This is where molestation was mentioned. This is what the other posters are concerned about.

 

Mona, I was wrong to be so flippant earlier about your post and I would like to apologize. You've gone into defensive mode, which will negate any useful advice you do hear on this site.

 

However, I ask (we all do here, I dare say) that you seek professional help. Your situation is so bad that you need a professional, not a bunch of Internet strangers, to help you.