Slept with best friend, now I am so hurt

[kimba]

I met a guy online about a year and a half ago, and we became friends. Very good friends, best friends. We always kind of flirted with each other and probably started doing that a lot about 6 months ago

 

Eventually about week and a half ago we went out one night and got drunk and ended up sleeping together. He stayed the whole weekend. Then he acted like it was a mistake and that he shouldn't have done it.

 

The following weekend went out again dancing , and really I wasn't expecting anything to happen given what he had said about not wanting anything. But we did and it was even more passionate than before. He was all over me from the moment I saw him before we even left to go out .

 

Then last night he rings me up and tells me how much he likes me, how awesome I am and that I am 98% of what he is looking for in a girlfriend (yeah thanks) He was drunk and so I didn't take it too seriously. He was going on about how amazing I am etc.

 

Then this morning he texts me that he has been talking to some other girl for a few months and that he wants to pursue a relationship with her . Stab to the heart. But that he still wants to be friends.

 

This guy isn't some random, we have been best friends,then slow burn , then recently got sexual. I can't even bear the thought of him being with someone else. Be friends?

 

So I told him how I felt. That I am hurt and that he shouldn't have slept with me if he had known he was meeting up with someone else during that time. I am not some random chick, he has told me many times how much he loves me and I am his best friend .

 

So I am hurt but I am numb. How should I have handled this?

[preraph]

I think you told him how you felt, and that's all you can do. Now don't give in and agree to hang around him and certainly NOT have sex with him as long as he's seeing this girl or someone else. He may have just positioned you for a friends with benefits situation and just be seeing if you will settle for that. Don't. Go out with friends, and stop being available to him at all.

[kimba]

I think you told him how you felt, and that's all you can do. Now don't give in and agree to hang around him and certainly NOT have sex with him as long as he's seeing this girl or someone else. He may have just positioned you for a friends with benefits situation and just be seeing if you will settle for that. Don't. Go out with friends, and stop being available to him at all.

 

Thankyou for replying . I have had a cry but I just feel numb.

 

Oh just like he said the previous weekend he said today the sex had to stop. But then when went out again we had sex, so he is not very sure about what he wants it seems

 

But today he said it had to stop, but even last night he was telling me it was the best sex he has had probably ever had , so I don't understand it. And he told me how much he likes me, how amazing I am.

 

Then this morning I get " oh I am pursuing someone else and the sex has to stop , but we can be friends"

 

Then I texted that what I am supposed to be friends with you and your girlfriend?? I said I don't even want to meet her, then he texted that I am 'crazy'

 

Crazy.? I have the advantage that having been platonic friends so long I know how he operates with women and he falls in love with them after 3 days of chatting online, and comes to me saying I am in love! I am in love! And then 2 days later he meets them and nothing happens. And next, and next.

 

Sure I'd love to be friends, but not now I have developed feelings

 

 

....

Edited March 25, 2015 by kimba

[HansonGirl]

Thankyou for replying . I have had a cry but I just feel numb.

 

Oh just like he said the previous weekend he said today the sex had to stop. But then when went out again we had sex, so he is not very sure about what he wants it seems

 

But today he said it had to stop, but even last night he was telling me it was the best sex he has had probably ever had , so I don't understand it. And he told me how much he likes me, how amazing I am.

 

Then this morning I get " oh I am pursuing someone else and the sex has to stop , but we can be friends"

 

Then I texted that what I am supposed to be friends with you and your girlfriend?? I said I don't even want to meet her, then he texted that I am 'crazy'

 

Crazy.? I have the advantage that having been platonic friends so long I know how he operates with women and he falls in love with them after 3 days of chatting online, and comes to me saying I am in love! I am in love! And then 2 days later he meets them and nothing happens. And next, and next.

 

Sure I'd love to be friends, but not now I have developed feelings

 

 

....

 

So a somewhat similar thing happened to me in the past. only the guy wasn't a "best" friend. Basically we hookedup, he texted the next day and said he likes someone else but wants us to be friends. I am a pessimist so i just thought it was a complete kiss off, and he was just saying the friends thing to be nice. So i just mentally tried to move on (even though i felt hurt and humiliated). To my surprise he kept coming up to me, maybe more than ever, and insisted that I attend his get-togethers. I was just too angry with him, how he seemed to be going about it, almost like a routine, like not even considering the fact that i might be just slightly uncomfortable considering a) we just hookedup and b) i'd possibly be around this girl he is trying to get with, and also weirded out that HE acted like it was completely normal to just sleep together and then all of a sudden be friends. We weren't that close before and there was a marked difference between how he acted before and after. A friend even commented on how he seemed to be pestering me in a way.

anyways, i digress. at the time I was too naive to realize what was going on. All i knew was something was "off" about it. I just needed to recover from my crush on him (which he knew I had) and move on. so one day i texted him saying, without going into details, that I'm sorry i don't think we should be friends. just cold as his post-coitus text to me had been. But he pretty much did not respect my wishes and continued pestering me for a while. but i gave him the cold shoulder. eventually he stopped.

[kimba]

So a somewhat similar thing happened to me in the past. only the guy wasn't a "best" friend. Basically we hookedup, he texted the next day and said he likes someone else but wants us to be friends. I am a pessimist so i just thought it was a complete kiss off, and he was just saying the friends thing to be nice. So i just mentally tried to move on (even though i felt hurt and humiliated). To my surprise he kept coming up to me, maybe more than ever, and insisted that I attend his get-togethers. I was just too angry with him, how he seemed to be going about it, almost like a routine, like not even considering the fact that i might be just slightly uncomfortable considering a) we just hookedup and b) i'd possibly be around this girl he is trying to get with, and also weirded out that HE acted like it was completely normal to just sleep together and then all of a sudden be friends. We weren't that close before and there was a marked difference between how he acted before and after. A friend even commented on how he seemed to be pestering me in a way.

anyways, i digress. at the time I was too naive to realize what was going on. All i knew was something was "off" about it. I just needed to recover from my crush on him (which he knew I had) and move on. so one day i texted him saying, without going into details, that I'm sorry i don't think we should be friends. just cold as his post-coitus text to me had been. But he pretty much did not respect my wishes and continued pestering me for a while. but i gave him the cold shoulder. eventually he stopped.

 

Thankyou.

 

I feel very hurt, he could have told me he was interested in someone else before sleeping with me. I feel used .

[d0nnivain]

I'm trying to find any bright spot . . . Is there any chance, he really does like you but got scared?

 

 

You can't be just friends with him now. It will rip your heart out to see him with this other girl. Put a lot of distance in here for now. Sorry you are going through this.

[kimba]

I'm trying to find any bright spot . . . Is there any chance, he really does like you but got scared?

 

 

You can't be just friends with him now. It will rip your heart out to see him with this other girl. Put a lot of distance in here for now. Sorry you are going through this.

 

Thankyou for replying!

 

The night before he told me about this girl he rang me and was telling me 'I like you so much I like you sooooo much, you are awesome, amazing, you are everything I am looking for ... It's almost there, maybe it is there? I don't know why you are not its at 98% etc etc and then he was saying how hot I am (I'm not hot, just hot to him) and how he has probably never had such amazing sex. Without going into detail..

 

We have been best friends for a year and a half so we hit it off in all sorts of ways. I've helped him though dating girls, he has helped me as well.

 

I do know that he hasn't had much luck dating lately . And it's because he falls for them too quickly, scares them off etc. he also doesn't have a car and girls a lot of teh time are turned off by it. That's what he tells me.

 

So here I come along, under his nose all the time, we start hitting the town together, staying overnight and each other's house, and realise BOOM we shoudl have been doing this all along.

 

After the first time we slept together he did get scared and say it shoudlnt have happened.

 

So I went ok, he doesn't want to continue and a few days later I told him I was going to go out that night with some other guy (a first meeting) . He didn't say much.

 

But the next night we went out together and slept together again (this past weekend) I don't know if it was because I went out with someone else and he was jealous

 

When he told me about this girl yesterday he said well you did the same thing, you went out with a guy last week so join the club! I just said well you told me you didn't want to sleep together anymore and I don't even want him. You are telling me you want this girl

 

I am starting to think he made this girl up. There no evidence that she even exists. I have a small inkling he might be just paying me back for the guy I went out with

 

I feel like all I can do is vanish. He has to miss me I think. If he got scared of what he has with me then all I can really do is nothing and let him feel what it's liek not to have me around. My last text was just telling him that he did the wrong thing, having this girl there all along, then sleeping with me and then telling me about her, and that I slept with him with my heart not just my body. My heart.

 

He didn't reply .

 

Is this the best thing to do ? Just disappear ? I can't say to him, you are just scared. It just hurts every minute there is no text from him

 

 

.....

Edited March 25, 2015 by kimba

[imtooconfused]

Someone who sleeps with you while at the same time is pursuing a relationship with someone else is NOT a friend. There are lots of other people who can give you advice on how to deal with the emotional part of this, but ultimately, you need to completely eject this person from your life because they are TOXIC to your happiness. No matter how many good times that you had with this person in the past, that's all history now.

[kimba]

Someone who sleeps with you while at the same time is pursuing a relationship with someone else is NOT a friend. There are lots of other people who can give you advice on how to deal with the emotional part of this, but ultimately, you need to completely eject this person from your life because they are TOXIC to your happiness. No matter how many good times that you had with this person in the past, that's all history now.

 

After he rejected me and upset me, he turned it around back in me by texting why can't you be happy? And I said well I was happy until you told me about this girl. Then he said he wants to be free (ie didn't want any girlfriend at all ) and that we both had a good time, and that we did what we both wanted (have sex).

 

I think he made the girl up. Or he had some girl he was talking to and in the past few days it went sour.

 

Then he was texting me on Thursday night saying again how awesome I am,how wonderful, how much he loves dancing with me and he asked me to go out next weekend. So I think he is trying to set me up for a FWB or something. I've done that before with someone else and won't be doing it again.

 

I honestly feel really kind of dizzy with the push pull he does. If he is pursuing someone else why ask me out next weekend . What about her? If there is a her

 

...

Edited March 29, 2015 by kimba

[kimba]

So last week he asked me out this weekend.

 

He also apologised for being aloof last week and that it was because after he is intimate he doesn't know what to do because of his previous broken relationships. Like he is scared or something.

 

He rang me on Sunday night and we had a great conversation for a few hours, and that's when he apologised. He was also really excited about going out this weekend and he said to text him in a day or two and we will sort out which night and work it around when he is seeing his two children

 

So I did that but he just wouldn't reply except for one vague worded message on Tuesday night, and then since then no reply to anything. I tried calling, and no answer

 

He did silent treatment on me a month ago for about 6 days for a stupid reason I can't even remember what it was. And now again, but this time I have no idea why.

 

It's caused a lot of grief, as I find teh silent treatment extremely stressful and he is the first person to ever really do it to me.

 

I texted asking if I we are still going out its weekend and no reply.

 

I guess that's it huh?

[hoping2heal]

Hi Kimba,

 

This guy does not treat you right, least of all as a friend. He has been very hurtful to you and I don't see that changing any time soon. No one is perfect, but friendship should inspire joy and trust. This is just one big hamster ball of mind games. You deserve better as a friend and all else.

[kimba]

Hi Kimba,

 

This guy does not treat you right, least of all as a friend. He has been very hurtful to you and I don't see that changing any time soon. No one is perfect, but friendship should inspire joy and trust. This is just one big hamster ball of mind games. You deserve better as a friend and all else.

 

Yeah. He is hot and cold and the only explanation he has given was last Sunday when he apologised for his aloofness saying it was due to not being able to handle the closeness, not knowing what to do.

 

When he didn't reply on Monday or Tuesday, I just knew he was backing into a silent treatment thing again, I could just feel it, as at the very least he will reply at 10 pm when he is unwinding from work.

 

So I texted him today saying look I care about you but I can't handle the silent treatment as it's juvenile and if you want to call me when you're ready, do so.

 

I know he will, I know this is a game, but by sending that message I just wanted him to know I am not participating. Silent treatment isn't silent treatment if I don't contact him at all.

Edited April 3, 2015 by kimba

[kimba]

He still hasn't replied to me

 

I actually don't think he ever will. Last time he did this he ignored me for 5 days, I have tried every angle to get him to speak to me, expressed concern for him, let him know I am upset, but still nothing.

 

I have no idea what I did ! Maybe it's just that I texted him, but he told me to the last time we spoke

Edited April 3, 2015 by kimba

[Lurkeraspect]

You seriously need to drop this. He's not into you beyond your hookup. I know that it hurts, but you need to exit. Unless of course, you want to continue being hurt and wondering why. He's not into you. You did nothing wrong, he's just not the guy for you.