Saw ex after over a year

[guest569]

As in, I caught a glimpse of him. I don't think he saw me..

 

It's nothing, yet I'm such a mess. It's bizarre, I guess I never thought I would see him again. Seeing him on the dating site and now this, my heart races each time and then sinks. I have been crying myself to sleep the past few nights. Lately it has just been more intense and I don't even know why. Maybe I have too much on my plate and just miss him. I'm still dwelling on the fact that I don't feel like he gave us a chance, and I still think we had such an amazing time together and it's just wrong that it ended this way.

 

I'm starting to think that no, it doesn't really get better or easier, you just deal with it and it becomes bearable. But that's it.

[Skinnyminnie]

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with what's going on. Believe me when I say I can definitely understand your pain. I'm 3 months post breakup and yeah I'm still hurt and upset, but time definitely heals all wounds. It was a 12 year relationship...

 

What worked/is working for me was/is going to therapy and working proactively on improving myself. I hope that's something you look into (possibly?) or keep coming back to LS. I'm fairly new to this site and let me tell you, I have felt so much support here.

 

You'll be back to yourself in no time. I'm rooting for you!

[Strength in Healing]

It does become easy.

 

After years, I am neutral feeling towards my exes, but always will view them in a soft light. I would help any of them.

 

My more recent ex (11 months back) I miss every day however. But that too will change in time.

 

The key is learning to transform the pain into fuel and strength.

[guest569]

Thanks for the responses guys, just having a bad time. I felt like i was going better for a while, i didnt expect to have such a set back after 15 months since the breakup.

 

I tried to do all the "right" things early on, counseling, friends, family, focusing on me etc. eventually had to go on anti depressants. Which I ditched after becoming a zombie. I've improved my life a lot and things are good but i miss him so much and am depressed and suicidal for the first time in months.

[Haydn]

It can a real shock to the system to see `them` after a long time. But suicidal thoughts is not where you should let them lead you. Can be easy to fall back into a soft berth of feeling wretched again. Just have to keep getting back up again. Takes as much time as it takes. BUT PLEASE, try not to bottle up how you feel about seeing `him`. It`s natural. I do hope you can find some peace.

 

I know how it feels.

 

Push on!

[ZiggyZoo]

PLEASE call your doctor if you're depressed and suicidal. No ex is worth feeling like this, or taking your life over. I was hospitalized after my ex-husband left me, same place you're in right now. And if the anti-depressants make you feel like a zombie, switch to others or a different strength. This is a chemical imbalance, made worse by the situational gut punch of dealing with a breakup. Meds will help even out the brain chemicals, and there are literally hundreds of different ones out there. But please at least call someone.

 

This will get easier, but don't do something you can't undo in the meantime.

[lumberjac]

please don't do anything silly because of one person. your life is worth so much more than that.

 

stay strong.

[Jonp219]

It does become easy.

 

After years, I am neutral feeling towards my exes, but always will view them in a soft light. I would help any of them.

 

My more recent ex (11 months back) I miss every day however. But that too will change in time.

 

The key is learning to transform the pain into fuel and strength.

 

Damn, 11 months ago? Me and my ex broke up 1 month and 20 days ago and I still wake up after having dreams about her. I ****ing hate it, it hurts like crazy. I feel like i'm going to die from all the times I've cried over this chick in the last week or so. We haven't spoken in a month and it makes me feel like **** because I feel like i'm just a memory to her. I just can't imagine holding on to this feeling for a year.

[Satu]

It does get easier,but how long it takes to get there is unknowable.

 

It took me two years to get through it.

 

Once the healing was over I was happier than I'd ever been. I still am.

 

Just keep going.

[Jonp219]

It does get easier,but how long it takes to get there is unknowable.

 

It took me two years to get through it.

 

Once the healing was over I was happier than I'd ever been. I still am.

 

Just keep going.

 

It feels a big chunk of my life is being wasted on healing. These are moments i'm never going to get back. Not to mention, I don't feel like it's getting easier everyday seems harder and harder.

[Satu]

It feels a big chunk of my life is being wasted on healing. These are moments i'm never going to get back. Not to mention, I don't feel like it's getting easier everyday seems harder and harder.

 

It's not wasted time. As well as healing, you are also growing.

[Jonp219]

It's not wasted time. As well as healing, you are also growing.

 

Are you really growing? I feel like i'm going backwards. I feel more angry, sad, and disappointed as the days pass. I was an atheist before this break-up now I find myself praying to God and wearing spiritual memorabilia. This whole thing has changed my life dramatically.

[Nolan 93]

Yes satu is right you are growing, hell even I'm growing after my ex left me for her selfish gains. No matter what you value as growing any progress that make live each day is In fact growing. Just depends on how you view it, so you are growing you may not realize it but you are one way or another.

 

But man let me tell you I still think of her and man it sucks but what can I do. I'm not going to lose my youth over here because if you have noticed this year is going by pretty fast already haha

[ZiggyZoo]

It feels a big chunk of my life is being wasted on healing. These are moments i'm never going to get back. Not to mention, I don't feel like it's getting easier everyday seems harder and harder.

 

Perhaps try changing your inner dialogue. Instead of saying "Ugh, not another day still not over this" try saying "I may not be where I want to be, but I am on my way there". Because Satu's right, you are healing and growing. But you're letting your frustration with the process itself over shadow this. Compare yourself now to where you were two weeks post break-up. I'm sure you can see the progress now, right? It takes effort to change how you think about things sometimes, I know I was stuck in a negative thought loop myself. I just caught myself thinking negative thoughts, and stopped them and went out of my way to see the positive.

 

But I can totally relate to being frustrated and wanting to just be over it already. I was all about that yesterday. But it'll take as long as it takes, I guess.

[Itspointless]

As in, I caught a glimpse of him. I don't think he saw me..

 

It's nothing, yet I'm such a mess. It's bizarre, I guess I never thought I would see him again. Seeing him on the dating site and now this, my heart races each time and then sinks. I have been crying myself to sleep the past few nights. Lately it has just been more intense and I don't even know why. Maybe I have too much on my plate and just miss him. I'm still dwelling on the fact that I don't feel like he gave us a chance, and I still think we had such an amazing time together and it's just wrong that it ended this way.

 

I'm starting to think that no, it doesn't really get better or easier, you just deal with it and it becomes bearable. But that's it.

Be strong smiley, you have a scar that is a bit irritated right now. You feel pain that is still there. Some pain always will remain in our bodies, but at some point it will be at a level that it is OK and will make you smile.

[KBarletta]

Are you really growing? I feel like i'm going backwards. I feel more angry, sad, and disappointed as the days pass. I was an atheist before this break-up now I find myself praying to God and wearing spiritual memorabilia. This whole thing has changed my life dramatically.

 

The kind of growth and grief you are experiencing does not follow a linear trajectory. You will take steps forward, steps backward, and feel at times like you're not going anywhere. But in the end, there is only one way to go that makes any sense: Forward. Keep pushing yourself, keep striving to become better, and keep moving forward and you will find at some point that you're feeling better, maybe without even realizing it.

[DJOkawari]

On the whole, I find that healing works best when your focus isn't on healing. Just try to find anything possible that could interest you (or if that's hard...find something to do that may spark that interest) and see where it takes you. Those unrelated activities will teach you to heal as well.

[Navajo46]

I am sorry for your pain. You never can tell who you are going to care for. I have been through multiple breakups and some of them I literally just didn't care and moved on without almost ever thinking about them again. My last case was with literally the worst person for me that I have ever met and I find myself a mess after a little over a month post mutual breakup.

 

But I do sort of panic when I know I will see her again since we have mutual friends and what not. I have been drinking non stop to mellow the pain and am at the end of it because I am just not healthy at all anymore. I know I am meant for something better and am a good person. Sometimes it takes a while for us to realize that but when you truly believe it, it makes things easier. I know it takes a lot but and I am on my way to recovery but you take care of yourself!!!

[guest569]

On the whole, I find that healing works best when your focus isn't on healing. Just try to find anything possible that could interest you (or if that's hard...find something to do that may spark that interest) and see where it takes you. Those unrelated activities will teach you to heal as well.

 

I think you're onto something there. I have been very busy in my professional life and have been making an effort to see friends. Life happens when you're busy making other plans. However the stress of everything had gotten to me lately so whenever I get a spare minute to think, i just cry and miss him.

 

I keep thinking back to our most beautifully, ridiculously romantic moments. I truly believe we had something amazing that was meant to be. However after this breakup, what was the point? All those amazing experiences are just complete crap, they were fake and pointless just rubbish. How could he experience all that with me and not have had any feelings for me.

 

I now I will cop it for this but dying would be bliss at the moment. I dont think i would go through with it, i just need some sort of peace.

[DJOkawari]

I think you're onto something there. I have been very busy in my professional life and have been making an effort to see friends. Life happens when you're busy making other plans. However the stress of everything had gotten to me lately so whenever I get a spare minute to think, i just cry and miss him.

 

I can relate to this so much. I'm dreading this weekend...I normally have a pretty busy schedule but I won't this weekend and I know I'll just be thinking about all of the theoretical fun she'll be getting up to. I have an event to go to in the morning (it's a big public event with 1000's of people) but she'll be there and I while I kind of hope I see her, I also hope I don't but mostly I'm afraid of two things: 1. I'll go and keep thinking about her 2. I'll see her completely happy with someone new (she's the type of gal who always has someone new...I know it doesn't really mean anything profound, but still hurts)

 

Finally, I hate going to parties now because I just don't have fun at them at the moment, but if I don't go I'll think about how she's at parties having fun and I'm a loser or whatever, so I've realized that going and maybe leaving early is the best thing to do. Just trying to keep myself comfortable. I hope soon, that the decisions that I'm making for my own mental state don't involve her. That's the dream.

 

But nonetheless I agree, doing things and meeting people certainly helps. The magnitude of the pain decreases over time (not linearly though, sadly ). Eventually, I've found that my life is different and I am different...so it's hard to miss a person who doesn't know "me". Then, finally there will come a moment when you're excited about someone else. For me, it didn't work out (she was moving less than a week after I met her) but the experience showed me that there are people I can be excited about and even though I'm still hurting from my previous relationship I think eventually spending time with someone else who truly excites you is really where the pain ends because you see the good in the relationship ending.

 

Finally, I'm not sure how to deal with those "great moments". This was the first relationship I had where I can just mentally reference "the best of times" and I don't mean that in a silly way...it's actually that at the moment I can't imagine a better time. I'd like to be there right now. I really feel that if I were to try to make new memories with someone else, I'd probably try to attempt the same things and that's just sad and weird (and it'd just make me think of my ex). I don't really know the answer to that one.

 

 

 

I keep thinking back to our most beautifully, ridiculously romantic moments. I truly believe we had something amazing that was meant to be. However after this breakup, what was the point? All those amazing experiences are just complete crap, they were fake and pointless just rubbish. How could he experience all that with me and not have had any feelings for me.

 

I now I will cop it for this but dying would be bliss at the moment. I dont think i would go through with it, i just need some sort of peace.

 

Hey, I can relate completely. Those experiences you had were real when they happened. They aren't fake and the only meaning they have is the meaning you give them - that's how memories work in general. I've felt that "Man, being dead would be easier" feeling as well, but honestly that's not true and you know that! Just remember that, that is the stress and discomfort talking. You have things you want to accomplish and experiences you want to have. It'll get better and you'll find someone to cherish those moments with.

[guest569]

The magnitude of the pain decreases over time (not linearly though, sadly ). Eventually, I've found that my life is different and I am different...so it's hard to miss a person who doesn't know "me". Then, finally there will come a moment when you're excited about someone else. For me, it didn't work out (she was moving less than a week after I met her) but the experience showed me that there are people I can be excited about and even though I'm still hurting from my previous relationship I think eventually spending time with someone else who truly excites you is really where the pain ends because you see the good in the relationship ending.

 

Thanks so much for your response. I see what you mean about the pain not decreasing linearly. And seeing him on a dating site my heart started racing and I feel heartbroken again like 'how dare you?' although I have dated a LOT since the breakup and had a couple of brief relationships and I felt happy during those times because I had found 'better' guys than my ex. But as soon as they dumped/rejected me (it's always me being dumped so I feel like I am faulty) I go back to missing my ex. In this case I've been single for quite a while and give up on dating, but for no reason in particular I am upset again. I've never been able to say that the relationship ending was good or for the best. However, in subsequent relationships I never found myself thinking of him or wishing for more.

 

Hey, I can relate completely. Those experiences you had were real when they happened. They aren't fake and the only meaning they have is the meaning you give them - that's how memories work in general. I've felt that "Man, being dead would be easier" feeling as well, but honestly that's not true and you know that! Just remember that, that is the stress and discomfort talking. You have things you want to accomplish and experiences you want to have. It'll get better and you'll find someone to cherish those moments with.

 

It felt so romantic and genuine at the time but now I feel like it was all fake. He just used me to get over HIS ex and wasn't really in the moment like I was. Or he was just trying to force it the whole relationship because he wanted it to work. It was like scenes from a horribly cliche romantic movie or something but now I look back and wonder how it could end after such moments. I'm certainly not spoiled or accustomed to getting things my way. But in this case I feel like I just can't deal with it because I so desperately wanted things to work out, I feel like we SHOULD be together and this is just wrong and unbearable.

[DJOkawari]

Thanks so much for your response. I see what you mean about the pain not decreasing linearly. And seeing him on a dating site my heart started racing and I feel heartbroken again like 'how dare you?' although I have dated a LOT since the breakup and had a couple of brief relationships and I felt happy during those times because I had found 'better' guys than my ex. But as soon as they dumped/rejected me (it's always me being dumped so I feel like I am faulty) I go back to missing my ex. In this case I've been single for quite a while and give up on dating, but for no reason in particular I am upset again. I've never been able to say that the relationship ending was good or for the best. However, in subsequent relationships I never found myself thinking of him or wishing for more.

 

Ah, that's really complicated. I'm usually the one getting dumped as well, but I sort of chalk it up to my desire to see things through. I can relate to that dating website thing because I saw a professional event listing and my ex was listed as attending and my reaction was so visceral: "How dare you go network in your field of endeavor, without me!!". And then I laughed because the feeling was ridiculous. Then I got sad...lol. Can't imagine the dating site thing. Do you see any patterns forming between your relationships? For me, I ended up seeing patterns in my own behavior which lead to particular situations. On my next adventure I'll be more wary of my own vices. Obviously you're still living a bit in the shade of that serious relationship you had, but maybe this moment of negativity is just a short moment? Maybe it's the last bit of mourning you have. Do you think something else may have triggered it? (Dating site, singleness aside)

 

 

 

It felt so romantic and genuine at the time but now I feel like it was all fake. He just used me to get over HIS ex and wasn't really in the moment like I was. Or he was just trying to force it the whole relationship because he wanted it to work. It was like scenes from a horribly cliche romantic movie or something but now I look back and wonder how it could end after such moments. I'm certainly not spoiled or accustomed to getting things my way. But in this case I feel like I just can't deal with it because I so desperately wanted things to work out, I feel like we SHOULD be together and this is just wrong and unbearable.

 

I don't know your story but this may just be the final test before you're out of the woods. Whatever reasons he had for what he did, it's all ancient history at this point, but you know that. You also met people who were "better" or rather more compatible with the current you. I like to look at it kind of like the song "summer of 69" by Bryan Adams. He sings about a summer when him and his teenage friends started a band (and he sucked at the guitar) and as he's performing it (when the song came out) he's a famous musician and he sings "those were the best days of my life" and well...maybe it's sad but why can't it have been the best of times? When the song came out, he was a professional musician, a rock star, who writes and performs for a living and he can still look back and say "man jamming in my garage that summer was the best time of my life", but there is no way he can go back to it. That lifestyle was wonderful and is probably being being viewed through rose-tinted lenses. I don't know if this is similar to your situation but your old relationship could have been great and real and now it's done. Whether or not there is "better" on the horizon is really up to your perception isn't it? But, I also agree with you, the simplicity and lack of baggage and responsibilities we have in earlier romances really do make them more "romantic", I think. Part of getting older I guess.

[guest569]

I think its the stress from a new promotion and studying, life changes etc. plus my "friend with benefits" has gone distant or lost interest which hurts as its another rejection. Haven't heard from him in a few weeks so i think thats the end of that.

 

I don't see a pattern in my "relationships" aside from things progressing and seeming to go well before they lose interest, usually they say its nothing I've done and they just don't have feelings for me.

 

I couldn't understand after my ex the amazing times we spent together, that he was never in love with me. Thats why I think it was all just wrong and fake. He listed a few reasons all to do with me being faulty (things like he said im unhappy, making him unhappy, that i dont like my job or have passions which is not true, and other hurtful things) but I think that was him trying to weigh up whether or not to dump me (on New Year's Day!) left me in limbo for a couple of weeks instead. I felt shattered and i believed it was completely my fault, still do somewhat.

[Haydn]

I think its the stress from a new promotion and studying, life changes etc. plus my "friend with benefits" has gone distant or lost interest which hurts as its another rejection. Haven't heard from him in a few weeks so i think thats the end of that.

 

I don't see a pattern in my "relationships" aside from things progressing and seeming to go well before they lose interest, usually they say its nothing I've done and they just don't have feelings for me.

 

I couldn't understand after my ex the amazing times we spent together, that he was never in love with me. Thats why I think it was all just wrong and fake. He listed a few reasons all to do with me being faulty (things like he said im unhappy, making him unhappy, that i dont like my job or have passions which is not true, and other hurtful things) but I think that was him trying to weigh up whether or not to dump me (on New Year's Day!) left me in limbo for a couple of weeks instead. I felt shattered and i believed it was completely my fault, still do somewhat.

 

I think he may have some kind of BPD. He was projecting on you his own issues. But i am no expert. People who love you do not say these things.

 

Check the poster `Downtowns` threads. He helped me with this. It is not your fault despite what you think.

[guest569]

I think he may have some kind of BPD. He was projecting on you his own issues. But i am no expert. People who love you do not say these things.

 

Check the poster `Downtowns` threads. He helped me with this. It is not your fault despite what you think.

 

I'm not sure about any mental issues but he definitely was projecting his issues onto me, he was the one who was unhappy not me. But i believed everything he said. And saying things like "i know you've been depressed, but.." After my relative tragically died and he knew I was struggling in my career etc. I felt betrayed because i trusted him to talk about these issues when I felt down and he threw it back in my face, basically saying "I'm dumping you because of these things". So then i feel like its my fault because I should have been this or that. I am a fairly relaxed and positive person so i don't think it was a fair judgement of me.

 

A couple of weeks after that he apologised but only when I pointed out that it was really hurtful, and said he was just angry and confused, but i see it as his true feelings coming out. He really thinks that of me and that hurts, it sux to hear someone you love and see a future with come out with that.

 

It was like he had no empathy, no sympathy and was very detached. I think he was quite unhappy but always pretended to be cheerful and not talk about bad stuff. Hence delaying the breakup i suppose. But I can see through it now. And I guess i dont want that sort of person. i am forgetting a lot of the bad stuff lately. I feel like i am going through the exact same breakup "process" all over again from the beginning!!!