Is my adulterous wife sick?

[elaine567]

s. My depression which is a result of her former affair which lasted 12 years, is difficult to live with. I rarely laugh and spend most of the time pretty sullen.

 

See your attorney.

I guess your depression will lift as soon as you do not have to worry about your wife any longer and you start living your own life. Your worry for your kids is misguided, how do you think they feel living with a father who is depressed all day?

You need to start living for you and your kids and work out how you can get custody and support.

Stop being the victim.

[benjamin100]

Pete, my good friend it's a combination of fear for the little one in my absence and the resulting guilt. Despite her issues with me she is great with the little girl. She spends a lot of time with her doing activities. The little girl utterly adores her. I am certain that my life without the kids would be a more tormented one than now.

[benjamin100]

Dude you're being a total doormat.

 

See. A. Solicitor.

 

Pete, my good friend it's a combination of fear for the little one in my absence and the resulting guilt. Despite her issues with me she is great with the little girl. She spends a lot of time with her doing activities. The little girl utterly adores her. I am certain that my life without the kids would be a more tormented one than now.

[Redhead14]

I am very happy to accept that my mental issues are a factor. I have only been disabled for five years. My depression which is a result of her former affair which lasted 12 years, is difficult to live with. I rarely laugh and spend most of the time pretty sullen. However, I must point out despite my disability I cook for the entire family, shop online for our food, take care of discipline with the kids and look after the family finances. She does not seem have any concept of reality or responsibility. She has obviously told it's me over between her and him. It was just a one off considering the distance and all laptop related work will be done in the family lounge in front of myself and the kids. She asked me to get her new sim card so that she could change her number but then she goes and buys a cheap tacky cell phone with pay as you go sim so now they have own untraceable hotline.

 

I feel that staying will be less painful than going. I am not a typical man. I am extremely thin skinned, very very sensitive and easily hurt. Guilt seems to arrive in my psyche as effortlessly as a headache. When I think of the men that will occupy her bed in my absence and her inability to recognise danger or immorality it's a recipe for disaster. So, come on folks what happens when my beautiful eight year old is abused by some guy and her mom does not see it. What happens when he starts to discipline her physically and the mother is blind. Because of her '' form'' she does not see irresponsibility for what it is so for my little girl especially I must stay and watch over the proceedings.

 

There have been many mothers in history who have made life sacrifices for their children. I feel I must consider that too. How will I cope if anything were to happen to that little girl. The guilt would destroy me. It's not as black and white as other situatiions. Guilt is a very powerful emotion that can easily tear one into pieces. I do not underestimate the impact of extreme guilt. It may just be more damaging to my health that her conduct and attitude.

 

My eighteen year old son has not been raised to throw the towel in. He is not saying spend the rest of my life with her, he is just asking me to give things a try and explore a couple of possibilities. I feel too many people react too quickly without thinking of their kids.A child does not ask to be born we adults introduce them to our world so we must accept some responsibilty. If everybody vacated the family home because of imperfection then surely our western world would be in constant disorder. Divorce is a possibility in time but I must show maturity and strength at the moment for the children.

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words some of which made me cry, a little.

 

You are not thinking clearly, Benjamin. Both you and your wife are struggling with some very difficult illnesses. However, your wife is morally corrupt and disconnected from her family. You, on the other hand, are at least, "present" enough to understand and want to make sure your children are supported and that should include emotional support. "She does not seem have any concept of reality or responsibility". She is not contributing on any level for the children. That is a huge void in their lives. They are watching their mother, having her close, yet they are not getting what they need from her.

 

Above, you mentioned you were concerned that your daughter would be abused by one of your wife's "friends" and is the reason that you want to stay around. And, that's a good reason, however, you are still assuming that you would be the one to leave the home. Talk to a lawyer about how to ensure that you would have custody of the children and that you and the kids would stay in the house.

 

You will suffer more guilt when your son and daughter finally come to the realization that they've not enjoyed the kind of family life they were entitled to. At some point, they may blame you for that because they know you knew all that and didn't do anything about it. It's your responsibility to protect them even if it's from their mother.

[benjamin100]

You are not thinking clearly, Benjamin. Both you and your wife are struggling with some very difficult illnesses. However, your wife is morally corrupt and disconnected from her family. You, on the other hand, are at least, "present" enough to understand and want to make sure your children are supported and that should include emotional support. "She does not seem have any concept of reality or responsibility". She is not contributing on any level for the children. That is a huge void in their lives. They are watching their mother, having her close, yet they are not getting what they need from her.

 

Above, you mentioned you were concerned that your daughter would be abused by one of your wife's "friends" and is the reason that you want to stay around. And, that's a good reason, however, you are still assuming that you would be the one to leave the home. Talk to a lawyer about how to ensure that you would have custody of the children and that you and the kids would stay in the house.

 

You will suffer more guilt when your son and daughter finally come to the realization that they've not enjoyed the kind of family life they were entitled to. At some point, they may blame you for that because they know you knew all that and didn't do anything about it. It's your responsibility to protect them even if it's from their mother.

Thank you so much Redhead for your kind words and advice. I'm pretty sure there isn't a court in the land that would give me custody given my physical disability and prevailing depressive state. Most courts favour the mother anyway. It also may be too painful process for the little one as well as others in the family. At the moment I feel extremely fragile and am hanging on in there. I am wishing that as the days pass I regain a little strength.

[barcode88]

OP, I think you're being a doormat for your wife. Divorce her.

 

Your 18 year old Son probably doesn't know what's best for everyone involved.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds horrendous.

 

Please, please see a solicitor. You are in UK so most law firms will give you a half-hour free consultation. Ask to see a solicitor that deals with Family Law. This will give you a better idea as to how you stand legally.

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Thank you so much Redhead for your kind words and advice. I'm pretty sure there isn't a court in the land that would give me custody given my physical disability and prevailing depressive state. Most courts favour the mother anyway. It also may be too painful process for the little one as well as others in the family. At the moment I feel extremely fragile and am hanging on in there. I am wishing that as the days pass I regain a little strength.

 

The courts would not give custody to a mother who is morally corrupt and out of touch with reality. You do have some significant depression and a disability, but you are morally sound and have the best interests of the children in mind, whereas, she doesn't.

 

Are the other members of your immediate family who could/would take them in for just a little while at least until you get things organized?

[benjamin100]

OP,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds horrendous.

 

Please, please see a solicitor. You are in UK so most law firms will give you a half-hour free consultation. Ask to see a solicitor that deals with Family Law. This will give you a better idea as to how you stand legally.

 

Good luck.

Sorry to be a complete dork but what does OP mean. This is my first experience of a forum site so I'm a little short on the symbols etc that are used.Thanks for kind words and advice.

[Redhead14]

The courts would not give custody to a mother who is morally corrupt and out of touch with reality. You do have some significant depression and a disability, but you are morally sound and have the best interests of the children in mind, whereas, she doesn't.

 

Are the other members of your immediate family who could/would take them in for just a little while at least until you get things organized?

 

You have nothing to lose by talking to a lawyer instead of allowing this to drag on and on. You will likely become more fragile as time goes by. Talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights are and what could be done to help the situation. He/she may be able to steer you to some other options for handling the situation.

 

Your little one is still young enough to be resilient through this process. It would be more difficult for her later. Your 18 year old will struggle the most, however, he is 18.

[No Limit]

Asking doesn't hurt. See what your options are. A divorce doesn't mean that the children are out of the picture. And if your 18 year old knew about what was going on and for how long, he'd better give you his pocket money to help finance the lawyer.

[stillafool]

OP - Original Poster (you)

[SawtoothMars]

Thank you so much Redhead for your kind words and advice. I'm pretty sure there isn't a court in the land that would give me custody given my physical disability and prevailing depressive state. Most courts favour the mother anyway. It also may be too painful process for the little one as well as others in the family. At the moment I feel extremely fragile and am hanging on in there. I am wishing that as the days pass I regain a little strength.

 

Ben... women are like guilty sharks. If you act weak that is like blood in the water and they will eat you alive! They may feel guilty about it later, but very few will stop themselves from ripping you to shreds.

 

You don't have to divorce... you just have to be WILLING to divorce. Otherwise you cannot turn this thing around. She cannot love you because you are such a pussy. She wants a man... not another woman. You need to understand her thinking here.

 

You talk like someone afraid of his own shadow. Shakespeare once wrote that 'cowards die a thousand deaths', but I think it's much worse... I think cowards never really live.

 

Now what ACTIONS are you willing to take to force your wife to respect you? Even if that just means you stop doing crap for her... cut off her money.... ect.

[mickleb]

I think you need to fully understand what co-dependency is and how it is damaging you and your children.

[beach]

31 years of this? Wow, that's a long time for unhappiness.

 

I hope you are so used to it that you just stay because it's what you know.

 

Disability - you should be able to get that. Your wife would/should have to pay spousal support to you since you can't work and she does.

 

Chck with an attorney. Life's to short to be mistreated by anyone this way - but especially someone that's supposed to love you.

 

I hope you're getting help from a counselor. I also hope you can wean off the medicine - they may be clouding your judgment/best decision making skills.

[benjamin100]

I haven't mentioned this before but a close member of my family is very successful divorce lawyer with 35 years of experience. He has seen it all. Every possible scenario and every outcome from the effects of divorce. He knows exactly who I am and my characteristics as a man with kids. He has advised me of the options available. His has considered all factors - who I am, how much I love and need my kids, financial constraints, state benefits and practicality. He therefore knows the utter devastation it would cause if things end between us. To the surprise of a lot of you there is not a wealth of benefits out there for a homeless disabled person. Yes, of course there are organisations who would help but they are all very basic and are limited in how they can help me. My lawyer knows my wishes and he is supporting me through this. Like I said before he has seen it all and got the tee-shirt so I think he is more than qualified to give me the support that I need.

 

My kids have a beautiful home to live in with many benefits. I have my own bedroom and bathroom in another wing of the home on the ground floor. Life is utterly crap in terms of my relationship and spirits but in other areas it is above average. At the moment it's case of damage limitation. Things may change after time. Who knows how but I have to be strong and patient but it is so tough. I am getting strength and encouragement from some of the comments on here. Thank you everybody.

Edited March 27, 2015 by benjamin100
extra information to add

[beach]

You are teaching your kids to stay in a relationship when someone treats you terribly and with disrespect.

 

By staying - this is the model for which they will choose to marry.

 

That should be enough to have her leave. Then the kids will get the firm idea that when people behave badly (especially ones that say they love you but don't act like it) there are consequences to the bad behavior.

 

You're teaching your kids that unacceptable behavior is acceptable.

 

Don't be her doormat. She can move and still support you and the kids. She did this and she should have consequences.

[Darren Steez]

The man's got advice. The man chooses to stay.

 

He's an adult with nearly adult kids.

 

Honor the decision. People getting wound up for naught.

[PegNosePete]

a homeless disabled person

Dude. YOU ARE NOT HOMELESS. You have a home.

 

I don't know what your close family member has told you but there is a saying amongst lawyers. A lawyer who represents himself, has a fool for a client. What that means is that if you represent yourself, or close family, then you're too emotionally involved to see things objectively.

 

Well you've made your decision so good luck. When you come back in a month or two saying that we were right all along, don't worry, we won't gloat. We'll just help you out in any way we can.

 

Good luck Ben, you're going to need it.

[ascendotum]

With your disability can you get out and about OP driving a car and using crutches? You can't get an office job of some sort?

Gets you out of the house and out and about and meeting other people, gets more $ coming in, and gives you more confidence,and gives you opportunities to have an affair of your own.

Given the frosty nature of things at home and her past affairs, I can't see her willing to live without sex for years to come. What about you too in that regard.

[mickleb]

I haven't mentioned this before but a close member of my family is very successful divorce lawyer with 35 years of experience. He has seen it all. Every possible scenario and every outcome from the effects of divorce. He knows exactly who I am and my characteristics as a man with kids. He has advised me of the options available. His has considered all factors - who I am, how much I love and need my kids, financial constraints, state benefits and practicality. He therefore knows the utter devastation it would cause if things end between us. To the surprise of a lot of you there is not a wealth of benefits out there for a homeless disabled person. Yes, of course there are organisations who would help but they are all very basic and are limited in how they can help me. My lawyer knows my wishes and he is supporting me through this. Like I said before he has seen it all and got the tee-shirt so I think he is more than qualified to give me the support that I need.

 

My kids have a beautiful home to live in with many benefits. I have my own bedroom and bathroom in another wing of the home on the ground floor. Life is utterly crap in terms of my relationship and spirits but in other areas it is above average. At the moment it's case of damage limitation. Things may change after time. Who knows how but I have to be strong and patient but it is so tough. I am getting strength and encouragement from some of the comments on here. Thank you everybody.

 

A beautiful home is a happy home. But you have made you decision so it is, indeed, foolish for us to try to persuade you differently.

 

Now you have a different choice to make. You've made your bed, so lie in it. Your kids physical environment and your own private room are what you are prioritising. So, your (and their) emotional life has to take a lower priority. You are in a situation that some younger people find themselves in, when they've put a deposit down on a rental property and signed a lease, or people who have to work together, whilst split up.

 

You can still go 'no contact', albeit with a few caveats. You treat her as though she is a business colleague who you have to deal with, only when you have no choice in doing so. You give her practical, short answers to questions or the facts, as she requires them. That is it. You live your life separate to her. You ignore her when you pass her in the hall. When you find she's in the kitchen when you need it, you leave until she has. You get the idea.

 

This way, you can preserve a little of your dignity and mental health. You'll show your children the consequences that people (including those we once deeply loved) face when they behave very badly. It will be unpleasant for them but don't pretend they don't know how miserable you are and haven't seen how much she walks all over you. Read the No Contact guides on here. Check some threads from people 'stuck' with their exes.

 

Or don't. That is your choice. But if you don't, you are left with nothing but Sucking It Up.

 

Take the blinkers off and choose as wisely as you can. Take care.

[benjamin100]

To address MICKLEB's point about 'No Contact'. She is not mature enough to exist under those circumstances and I don't think I am 'hard' enough. I am a very talkative chap who loves to interact with other people. My son and I chat for hours on just about any subject, from Music to Politics. Being quiet is not in my nature and I am not making excuses before some of you call me 'doormat' or deluded. I am just trying to provide some answers to some interesting points.

 

One poster said I have had '31 years of unhappiness'. The first five or six years although not void of incident, were happy and beautiful. I draw on those memories for strength and consolation.I experienced true love at 19 and thank god I have those memories because to have led a life without love would have been unbearable.

 

One thing to add about current events in the house. Last night my wonderful eighteen year old son suggested as a family we watched a film together. He suggested Pretty Woman. The three of us sat in the lounge(the eight year old was in bed). I was sat in a separate chair

to the lad and her. My view of her was the back of her head as she was lying down on the sofa. When the lovey dovey scenes arrived I began to blubber and continued to do so off and on for the rest of the movie. My son scampered around for paper tissues, drinks and anything I needed whilst she remained motionless and did not even turn her head around to look at me. At the end she exited saying 'it's just a film for god's sake, pull yourself together'. Nothing about how callous she can be should surprise me but I was just numb. My son went upstairs to ask how can she be so cruel. She just replied that I should not be so silly and make more of an effort in front of him.

 

The road ahead is going to be rocky but until I keel over I will remain in the hope of developing the strength that will enable me to exist relatively pain-free. Thanks everybody.

[elaine567]

I am going to be a bit harsh here but you cannot be seen to be blubbering in front of your kids and your wife. Pretty Woman is not even sad film.

One, she obviously holds you in contempt and you blubbering is going to make that 10 times worse.

Two, children need to have parents that support them and give them security.Your kids will be feeling very insecure here and you falling to bits is going to make them feel worse.

 

Man up, for you and your kids.

She needs to have some respect for you, if not, you may not want change, but change may come to you. She may pack up and go taking the kids with her, if a better offer comes along.

If you are staying put, then you need to do your damnedest to keep her on board and manipulative sobbing (I am sure she saw it as manipulative) will get you nowhere. She is correct with what she said, "I should not be so silly and make more of an effort in front of him." You are the adult here.

If you want to cry, cry privately, away from your kids and your wife.

[benjamin100]

I am going to be a bit harsh here but you cannot be seen to be blubbering in front of your kids and your wife. Pretty Woman is not even sad film.

One, she obviously holds you in contempt and you blubbering is going to make that 10 times worse.

Two, children need to have parents that support them and give them security.Your kids will be feeling very insecure here and you falling to bits is going to make them feel worse.

 

Man up, for you and your kids.

She needs to have some respect for you, if not, you may not want change, but change may come to you. She may pack up and go taking the kids with her, if a better offer comes along.

If you are staying put, then you need to do your damnedest to keep her on board and manipulative sobbing (I am sure she saw it as manipulative) will get you nowhere. She is correct with what she said, "I should not be so silly and make more of an effort in front of him." You are the adult here.

If you want to cry, cry privately, away from your kids and your wife.

The love scenes reminded me of the good old days and I was so overwhelmed I could not contain myself. Being emotional is not such a good thing in this context. I should have left the room but he specifically asked us to watch a movie together. I agree with you but, my god, when the tears well up it's so build a damn when they come with such force.

[elaine567]

The love scenes reminded me of the good old days and I was so overwhelmed I could not contain myself. Being emotional is not such a good thing in this context. I should have left the room but he specifically asked us to watch a movie together. I agree with you but, my god, when the tears well up it's so build a damn when they come with such force.

 

It is not that I am downplaying your grief, that would be heartless and I understand your sorrow.

But there is a bigger game to be played here and you could sleep walk into a situation, that is not your best interests, if you let grief take over.

You need to be sharp and alert here and let your head rule your heart, not the other way around, else this pack of cards could come tumbling down around your ears.