Realising you were abused

[Genieve]

I'm in my late forties have two kids whom I adore. The last few years I've started to think about how I feel about my kids and how my parents treated me. I have begun to realise that I was emotionally abused. I've been having regular nightmares about it. Especially how cruel they were.. Things they said to me. Selfish unloving and abusive. I was beaten by my father and I never did anything beyond knocking on the door and running away.. Kids stuff. And it was encouraged by my mother. Why the hell is this haunting me now??? . I wake up sweating realising stuff just wasn't right. I can't talk to my mother about anything.. She just has no idea. My dad is dead and I never really cried. He was mean. But my mother has been even meaner since he died. I get stressed out trying to have a normal phone conversation with her.... I usually don't talk to her for weeks. )-:

[whichwayisup]

Just love your kids and be the mom you're meant to be. Your kids are your life, your strength and reason to live.

 

Counseling can help you cope with the awful memories and pain from your childhood.

 

So sorry to read that you suffered abuse.

[SpiralOut]

At what age did the abuse start, or seem to happen the most? If your kids are around that same age, that might be why your memories are coming back.

 

 

It can be a shock to realize that your own parents did you wrong - that your memories have big gaps in them that you're now filling in. I'm sorry that your parents treated you badly.

[pink_sugar]

Both my parents were controlling and abusive in some way throughout my childhood. Thankfully I got counseling in my teens and early 20's. I have chosen not to have kids because I do not want to subject another poor soul to my temper and perfectionist ways. I have been able to move forward from my past and enjoy my life with my husband. If you don't treat your kids like you were treated, you are already in a much better postion.

[Genieve]

At what age did the abuse start, or seem to happen the most? If your kids are around that same age, that might be why your memories are coming back.

 

 

It can be a shock to realize that your own parents did you wrong - that your memories have big gaps in them that you're now filling in. I'm sorry that your parents treated you badly.

I think you are right. It is when I stopped bring a cute child and started thinking for myself without being told what to think. So yes, my kids are arriving at the same age. I'm having such nightmares

Thank you for your kind words everyone.

[amaysngrace]

I'm so sorry that you grew up being treated like you don't matter. Talking to your mom most likely triggers those same feelings for you which is why you find it so unpleasant.

 

There is help available. Call a local woman's shelter and tell them what's going on. Explain that you have children. Hopefully they'll be able to guide you in the right direction.

 

The flashbacks suck but you've already lived through the worst of it and had to do it as a child. Congratulations on being a survivor!

 

xo

[BearMox]

emotional abuse is tough but keep going. Everyone has a reckoning at some point over their mother and father. The way to live free is to face all of the truth and let go. Counseling or a wise friend is a must to get the perspective you need to face it.

[Lion Heart]

Hi Gen, sorry this is happening to you.

 

Your thread reminded me of what my psychologist friend once said to me about similar. Your mind protects you. It also has a self-protection mode. The latter mode can be activated involuntarily or invoked consciously. Obviously as a teen you registered the treatment as abuse on some level. Or at least a "not right" feeling. We move on with our busy-ness of life, the

s-p mode cuts in...... until. Until we have the coping mechanism, it senses the time is available then our mind allows a flake of that unprocessed memory to be processed and it's ready to present and deal. Our subconscious is letting us know through memory flashbacks or in your case, dreams.

 

(This process is more noticeable in cases of post natal depression. With the hours spent alone with the baby, mind senses TIME available. New mothers may feel anger towards their own parents as they process flashbacks of the childhood. This is not the case in ALL cases but very common).

 

Maybe you've been BUSY and over - challenged for years?

Usually occurs at beginning or ends of relationships. Time.

 

Ofcourse another factor IS that your own children whom you adore and, I imagine, would never treat in a similar way, have reached or are approaching the ages you felt most threatened.

This can happen automatically. S-p mode letting a bit through at a time. When each of my children reached 16mths I started becoming hypervigilant. Or is it hypo? Highly vigilant. It passed on their 2nd birthday. I had NO IDEA why this was happening UNTIL my 4th child. I realized that my own brother died at 20mths old when I was a child. It was an horrific experience for his whole life. He was my sunshine. I was his. 20mths was a trigger. It's written on his head stone that my M & F took me to almost every weekend. Separately. For years.

The moment I realised this, my hv state abated. Immediately.

 

Gen it's not a mentally healthy thing to rug-sweep these flashes. If you wake up shaken. Write them in a book next to your bed. This may be ALL you need to do. You may only have 10 events, you may have 100s. They are screaming out for you to deal! Just write them down.

 

Therapy may help. It seems your mother IS NOT. As an enabler of your F and a co-conspirator, talking to her or demanding ANY response from her is not gonna be pretty. I'd leave it in her past.

I wouldn't deal with it completely on my own BUT I wouldn't involve your mother. No point.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Auspecial]

Hi Gen, sorry this is happening to you.

 

Your thread reminded me of what my psychologist friend once said to me about similar. Your mind protects you. It also has a self-protection mode. The latter mode can be activated involuntarily or invoked consciously. Obviously as a teen you registered the treatment as abuse on some level. Or at least a "not right" feeling. We move on with our busy-ness of life, the

s-p mode cuts in...... until. Until we have the coping mechanism, it senses the time is available then our mind allows a flake of that unprocessed memory to be processed and it's ready to present and deal. Our subconscious is letting us know through memory flashbacks or in your case, dreams.

 

(This process is more noticeable in cases of post natal depression. With the hours spent alone with the baby, mind senses TIME available. New mothers may feel anger towards their own parents as they process flashbacks of the childhood. This is not the case in ALL cases but very common).

 

Maybe you've been BUSY and over - challenged for years?

Usually occurs at beginning or ends of relationships. Time.

 

Ofcourse another factor IS that your own children whom you adore and, I imagine, would never treat in a similar way, have reached or are approaching the ages you felt most threatened.

This can happen automatically. S-p mode letting a bit through at a time. When each of my children reached 16mths I started becoming hypervigilant. Or is it hypo? Highly vigilant. It passed on their 2nd birthday. I had NO IDEA why this was happening UNTIL my 4th child. I realized that my own brother died at 20mths old when I was a child. It was an horrific experience for his whole life. He was my sunshine. I was his. 20mths was a trigger. It's written on his head stone that my M & F took me to almost every weekend. Separately. For years.

The moment I realised this, my hv state abated. Immediately.

 

Gen it's not a mentally healthy thing to rug-sweep these flashes. If you wake up shaken. Write them in a book next to your bed. This may be ALL you need to do. You may only have 10 events, you may have 100s. They are screaming out for you to deal! Just write them down.

 

Therapy may help. It seems your mother IS NOT. As an enabler of your F and a co-conspirator, talking to her or demanding ANY response from her is not gonna be pretty. I'd leave it in her past.

I wouldn't deal with it completely on my own BUT I wouldn't involve your mother. No point.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

 

Brilliant.

[Lion Heart]

Brilliant.

 

Thankyou so much.

I've lived through SO MUCH that no one can understand HOW I cope with life with no drugs. Believe it or not some people say "you're the most POSITIVE person I know!"

 

I do this by appreciating EVERY breath I take. Every day. Smiling for the sake of it.

 

I had an epiphany 3y ago when I prayed "What use is all this sh** I've experienced? What was the purpose of this?"

The answer was: "So YOU can show TRUE empathy for others in as many ways possible. This empathy will support your work with families in distress and children always. It's THIS Lion Heart. Only this."

 

So no, I don't espouse suffering on any level for any reason but WHAT can we DO with the experience of pain & trauma? The answer is:

USE IT TO GET STRONGER.

USE IT TO LEARN

USE IT TO UNDERSTAND

USE THESE SH** EXPERIENCES to LOVE others so YOU DON'T CAUSE THE SAME PAIN FOR THEM IN THEIR LIVES.

 

Lion Heart.

[Genieve]

Hi Gen, sorry this is happening to you.

 

Your thread reminded me of what my psychologist friend once said to me about similar. Your mind protects you. It also has a self-protection mode. The latter mode can be activated involuntarily or invoked consciously. Obviously as a teen you registered the treatment as abuse on some level. Or at least a "not right" feeling. We move on with our busy-ness of life, the

s-p mode cuts in...... until. Until we have the coping mechanism, it senses the time is available then our mind allows a flake of that unprocessed memory to be processed and it's ready to present and deal. Our subconscious is letting us know through memory flashbacks or in your case, dreams.

 

(This process is more noticeable in cases of post natal depression. With the hours spent alone with the baby, mind senses TIME available. New mothers may feel anger towards their own parents as they process flashbacks of the childhood. This is not the case in ALL cases but very common).

 

Maybe you've been BUSY and over - challenged for years?

Usually occurs at beginning or ends of relationships. Time.

 

Ofcourse another factor IS that your own children whom you adore and, I imagine, would never treat in a similar way, have reached or are approaching the ages you felt most threatened.

This can happen automatically. S-p mode letting a bit through at a time. When each of my children reached 16mths I started becoming hypervigilant. Or is it hypo? Highly vigilant. It passed on their 2nd birthday. I had NO IDEA why this was happening UNTIL my 4th child. I realized that my own brother died at 20mths old when I was a child. It was an horrific experience for his whole life. He was my sunshine. I was his. 20mths was a trigger. It's written on his head stone that my M & F took me to almost every weekend. Separately. For years.

The moment I realised this, my hv state abated. Immediately.

 

Gen it's not a mentally healthy thing to rug-sweep these flashes. If you wake up shaken. Write them in a book next to your bed. This may be ALL you need to do. You may only have 10 events, you may have 100s. They are screaming out for you to deal! Just write them down.

 

Therapy may help. It seems your mother IS NOT. As an enabler of your F and a co-conspirator, talking to her or demanding ANY response from her is not gonna be pretty. I'd leave it in her past.

I wouldn't deal with it completely on my own BUT I wouldn't involve your mother. No point.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

 

Thank you.

 

I didn't think about it until now not even when I was a teenager.

 

I have though always felt like I was completely different from my parents. Like they weren't my parents. We never agreed on anything and my mother has no empathy. She pretends to.

 

It's constant criticism I've lived with. I have maybe over protected my kids as a result.

 

I feel sorry for her as she's rather ignorant. But I realise she was such a negative person to be around. She finds it very hard to spend an hour with me before some awful comment is made about my appearance or my parenting skills (laugh) which results in my leaving almost immediately. She even told one of my kids in front of the other that he wasn't the favorite !!! She did this with my brother's kids too. My kids don't even want to talk to her. So she's only got me who does it out of guilt the guilt that she brainwashed me with. Now it's affecting my head. She supported my ex during the divorce even though he wasn't paying alimony. And gave me no help at all.

[Lion Heart]

 

It's constant criticism I've lived with. I have maybe over protected my kids as a result.

 

I feel sorry for her as she's rather ignorant. But I realise she was such a negative person to be around. She finds it very hard to spend an hour with me before some awful comment is made about my appearance or my parenting skills (laugh) which results in my leaving almost immediately. She even told one of my kids in front of the other that he wasn't the favorite !!! She did this with my brother's kids too. My kids don't even want to talk to her. So she's only got me who does it out of guilt the guilt that she brainwashed me with. Now it's affecting my head. She supported my ex during the divorce even though he wasn't paying alimony. And gave me no help at all.

 

My pleasure Gen.

 

Gosh what ALOT of red flags about your mother you see!!!!!!!

 

Some parents. .... woah.

 

There's "something" going on there. Can you ask a counsellor about that? Then get strategies to deal?

 

Ok supporting your EXH and NOT you? That is quite shocking TBH. You her daughter with her g-chn?

 

Hey I love my SIL and I hope all goes ok. But if they do split he has his own family for support. I wouldn't break contact unless he NCd or I had to BUT NEVER would I give my DD opportunity to think that SHE wasn't supported! 1000% x more than him.

 

She sounds like a twisted sister!

 

I'm GLAD you split from her company when she treats you badly now. My mother is crazy. Diagnosed crazy. I was always ready to leave the second she started. Pack DD in car immediately then leave. In any case staying meant her anger would escalate into full blown physical assault. From 25yo I threatened calling the Police if she did. This went ok..until.

 

Sometimes these gestures of leaving immediately make no impact at all. For me each time our company ended in this fashion (torment, verbal abuse) I went NC. She would initiate contact. I would postpone any visitation longer and longer. When I was 37yo and had newborn twins she was visiting my home. She threatened physical violence. Held us hostage, did ALL SORTS. I responded Police. She said I dare you. (Don't challenge and threaten me and my now THREE chn! Wouldn't DARE say that to her though). Sheriff lived 3 doors away. He thought he could handle her. Um no. He got 4 more Policemen and they carried her out. She was jailed. Protective Order put on her not by me, by THEM. I've been NC for over 12y now. It was horrific then and since NC. Not now.

 

Has it changed her? HE** NO! She's worse. BTW I'm her only living biological child. My brother was adopted. I have her only g-chn.

 

People like our mothers don't think they should have to earn respect. They think it's automatic. It's not.

 

There are consequences for people who don't show respect, kindness, consideration and love in my life for me and my family. I just don't need them.

 

These people will NEVER admit they need us more than we need them but 2 days ago an IC Pointed this out to me. About my WH. 2nd IC said and your mother too.

 

You wouldn't allow a stranger to treat you this bad. Reign it in. You have the balance of power. It's insane they don't realise this.

 

ONLY your compassion for your mother ("they know not what they do") from the goodness of YOUR heart still allows her in your life at all. She needs to get with the program.

 

Good luck!

Lion Heart.

[MyEvilTwin]

You have to put it behind you, in the past where it belongs. You aren't raising your children that way, and it was a different era in which spankings were very acceptable.

Sometimes if we start reading up on abuse we can over analyze our pasts.

 

Since your dad is dead you make peace with him, in your way. Since your mom is alive you work on what are your expectations. Don't expect her to be more than she is. Accept her as she is and go to her for only the things that she can come through on.

 

Life is about the here and now and then the future, I would try not to dwell on the past, it will just make you crazy.

 

My childhood was a typical 60's and 70's childhood and my father had a temper like no other person I've ever met, and my mother fell through on taking care of me like she should have.

I have better things to do with my time than dwell on it...you do too, so the best thing to do is let it go.