t confession-trying to let the hurt and anger go, but it's hard

[truncated]

After a lot of therapy and support, I'm disappointed in myself. I want to let go of the anger and hurt, but it's so hard. Just when i feel like it's going, something happens and it comes back.

 

I know that my husband and I did our best, but our daughter chose not to stay with us. Maybe she was never meant to and there was nothing we could do. I know she was hurting and maybe leaving was what made the most sense to her, and I can't imagine what she might have been going through, so maybe choosing to exit this life is what made sense to her. maybe it was easier than living with the pain.

 

I hate that I sometimes still feel angry with her. I don't want to. I hate that there are times when, even if just for a minute. my husband and I blame each other for what she did. that's not fair, but nothing about any of this is.

 

I know I need to let it go. I know, in my logical mind, that once she made up her mind, there was nothing I could do. I the rest of my mind, I feel like I should have done more. why didn't I do more, but what could I have done?

 

If i had done something different, maybe I'd have another day with her to try and show her that staying didn't have to be painful, but maybe for her, it always would be. Maybe I had no right to ask her to choose to stay and it would have been selfish for me to do that.

 

 

We'd go to the support group and sit there with other parents like us, all hoping for answers. I've come to realize there are no answers. I don't think that my daughter understood it herself.

 

I just hope that wherever she may be right now, the pain and endless emptiness she felt is gone and she is happy.

 

If I can believe that, I can find peace.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your loss, nobody should have to go through this, losing their child.

 

I hope you find some peace soon and continue with with grief counseling.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh my God. How absolutely horrible and heart-wrenching.

 

I don't know that I'm qualified to even offer an opinion, but I guess my advice is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel in the moment. The process of grief includes cycles of anger, so don't for one second believe that you diminish yourself by feeling anger. Allow yourself to feel it, but don't feed it, if that makes sense.

 

I am so deeply sorry for you and your family's loss.

[bebe23]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am not a parent of a suicide victim myself, but a co-worker and friend of mine is. I'm amazed at her strength, she and her husband are still together and they just welcomed a grandchild from their surviving daughter. Seeing this woman manage to move on and have happiness in life 'in spite of' her daughter's suicide is inspiring to all of us.

 

I hope you still go to the support groups, no one has the answer but at least you can BE with other parents. Here are some links to support websites-

 

Welcome - Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

 

POS-FFOS

[I_Give_Up67]

Truncated- So sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you all.

[Seachan]

Truncated,

 

My heart aches for you and your husband.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I believe that there are certain life events that change who we are in an instant.

This, is one of them.

 

It is not easy to know/feel comfortable with the new "I". We have to learn how this new "I" functions.

 

Once, we have woven the new "I" with the old "I"....that is when we will start to feel comfortable/safe/peace. It is then that our logical mind and our emotional side will start to come to an agreement/resolution about the event.

 

You are doing all that you can, all that can be expected. This will always be a vulnerable part of you. Be gentle with yourself concerning this....as you would for someone else.

 

I am truly sorry that you and your family have suffered such a deep loss.

[truncated]

Thank you for all the kind words.

 

I think that part of what makes me feel so bad is that I sometimes get angry with her. I know the poor kid hurt so badly, and what she did she didn't do to hurt me, her dad, her siblings or anyone else.

 

I know that letting go of all of this doesn't mean I am letting her go. I will never do that. The facilitator in the support group told me that time can really be your friend, and that for her, it "softened the edges" so that it's not how they left the world that matters but the time they chose to spend in it.