Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Last Tueaday, my husband called me at work and asked if i could go downstairs to talk. When i told him I was busy, he texted and let me know he was leaving. Couldn't hold it together, I left work early and found him waiting for me with his suitcases. Out of anger, I told him I'd never want to talk to him again. And I tossed out everything he's left as soon as I got home and blocked him on every social media/ email/ phone. That was two days before my parents were gonna take us to Puerto Rico as a birthday gift to me. None of us could really drive, and he was just gone. After a miserable yet safe trip. I cooled down a bit and realized I still wanted him back. He's been miserable for a long time and told me he wanted to leave or he felt like he was gonna hurt himself. He had his issues but wouldn't let me help. And I never took him that seriously either. I was just angry at his lies and hurts... But I thought we were so happy together cause we really showed each other how much we loved each other every single day... He even walked me to work that day and told me we should have more great conversations like the one we had that day... He's emailed me a few times after he left last week. I also emailed him twice, once when I desperately told him that I loved him and all I wanted is to wake up next to him and share everyday with him, once responding to his email rationally telling him that I agreed with his decision that we needed to take our time and work on ourselves. I'm devastated. But I really really love him and want to make it work. After he left, I realized how stupid some of the issues and arguments we had were. I'm forcing myself to give him more space till he's ready to talk. But how long is enough? He's also finally ready to go talking to a therapist, which made me see the hope... Please, could you tell me how to re-connect with my husband when we're already separated and he's in another city with his parents? Edited March 25, 2015 by Susan W Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I'm devastated. But I really really love him and want to make it work. After he left, I realized how stupid some of the issues and arguments we had were. I'm forcing myself to give him more space till he's ready to talk. But how long is enough? He's also finally ready to go talking to a therapist, which made me see the hope... Please, could you tell me how to re-connect with my husband when we're already separated and he's in another city with his parents? I am so sorry that you are going through this. The good news is, there are many people here who have experienced the same thing and can help you get where you need to be. Welcome. That said, eight days is not nearly enough time to see through the initial fog of the breakup. You are still in shock, and there isn't much you can do right now that will be of use in terms of getting him back. You are correct in your instinct - he is the one who left so you are right to give him space until he is ready to talk. If he is going to individual therapy, that is a good sign. He recognizes that he has issues that are separate from whatever your problems were as a couple. Would he be open to couples counseling, too? If he's already in therapy, it sounds like he would. I would highly recommend suggesting that option if he makes contact with you. If you do, I recommend taking it slow, truly giving each other space and time and reconnecting only after you both have had time to work on yourselves. That is what I would recommend for you right now. Give him his time/space that he needs. Let him reach out to you when he's ready. In the meantime, concentrate on taking care of yourself, healing from the shock and heartbreak of your situation, and working on becoming a better person. Hang in there - and keep posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Why didn't you feel it was important to talk to him when he asked? Why is he less important to you than your work? If that's been your attitude about him and you've treated him that way - I can't say I blame him... What reason would he have for coming back? To be ignored and feel unloved and unimportant even further? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you so much for your kind words, KBarletta. It really means so much to me... He's had issues for a while and didn't believe in therapist and thought medication would make him dumb.. When he left he left me a voice mail which went directly to the deleted box as I blocked him. I heard it a few days later, he was crying and saying that he wish I could understand, he wouldn't have left if he didn't feel like he was gonna hurt himself... I texted his mom the day he left telling her he was in serious trouble and needed help. I guess she talked to him. And I'm really glad and relieved that he was finally going to do that. He's a musician and lived a carefree life on cruiseships before moving to New York City with me. I was in the beginning stage of my life when we met, he helped me a lot while changed like 20 odd jobs in the last two years. I blamed him for lying about quitting some of those jobs and not being responsible to pay half of our expensive rent. But it's also my fault. He'd been trying to convince me to move somewhere cheaper but I wouldn't listen... Anyway, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. He wanted to get on a cruiseship with me two years ago so we can save money while get to know each other more and have fun. I said no cause I thought it was a delay in life and wouldn't build anything for me. But I think when we're really going to sit down and talk about next, I'd let him know that I am now ready to do this while going back to do more creative things like he used to encourage me, too... I really miss him. I'm glad my friends and family and coworkers are all so supportive and understanding. We had a lot of issues but I'm willing to forgive and rebuild our relationship... I'm not religious but I'm praying everyday that we will work it out... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You blocked him after he moved out? You're married... Why would you do that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Why didn't you feel it was important to talk to him when he asked? Why is he less important to you than your work? If that's been your attitude about him and you've treated him that way - I can't say I blame him... What reason would he have for coming back? To be ignored and feel unloved and unimportant even further? I wasn't feeling he was less important than work. It's just not something someone does. Calling you at work and telling you that he was leaving so I can cry in my office? He was informing me that he was leaving and didn't give me any choice... And it wasn't the first time. Last time I found out he booked a flight and I cancelled it and he told me that he'd never leave me without telling me again... It wasn't my attitude with him. I've been putting up with his lies and trying to make it work. It's not fair for you to say that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I wasn't feeling he was less important than work. It's just not something someone does. Calling you at work and telling you that he was leaving so I can cry in my office? He was informing me that he was leaving and didn't give me any choice... And it wasn't the first time. Last time I found out he booked a flight and I cancelled it and he told me that he'd never leave me without telling me again... It wasn't my attitude with him. I've been putting up with his lies and trying to make it work. It's not fair for you to say that. But he asked and you stated you were busy, no? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 You blocked him after he moved out? You're married... Why would you do that? And I unblocked him in a day. Why would he just walk out on my when he knows I can't afford to live by myself? Haven't you ever been hurt and angry and wanted to protect yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 But he asked and you stated you were busy, no? I did. And I was. I work in a very fast pace environment. People don't just leave and chat with their husbands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 And I unblocked him in a day. Why would he just walk out on my when he knows I can't afford to live by myself? Haven't you ever been hurt and angry and wanted to protect yourself? I've been hurt plenty. But I calmly discuss issues with a solution in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I did. And I was. I work in a very fast pace environment. People don't just leave and chat with their husbands. Well, you may have to accept that the M is over then... Respect his wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 I've been hurt plenty. But I calmly discuss issues with a solution in mind. Then you're a more rational person. I'm here for advice, not argument. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Then you're a more rational person. I'm here for advice, not argument. Argument? Why are you viewing this exchange of information as an argument? FWIW - I gave advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Argument? Why are you viewing this exchange of information as an argument? FWIW - I gave advice... It didn't sound to me that you were trying to help. You're only accusing me of things while you don't even know 1% of the story. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 It didn't sound to me that you were trying to help. You're only accusing me of things while you don't even know 1% of the story. Honey, all I know is what you typed. I asked questions - I didn't accuse anything. I suggested respecting him/his wishes... I stand by that advice (as you call it). Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 People slide into depression (usually) for a reason. What do you think that those reasons might be in your husbands case? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Well, he actually emailed me and told me he missed me and wanted to take some time before we can figure things out. Thanks for your "advice". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 People slide into depression (usually) for a reason. What do you think that those reasons might be in your husbands case? He had some serious issues as a child and experienced a lot of sad things throughout his adolesence. A few years before he met me, he was engaged to another girl that he dated for four years and she dumped him for another guy when she was in Japan. And on top of that, living in New York is expensive and stressful, not being able to do music full time was too much for him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 He had some serious issues as a child and experienced a lot of sad things throughout his adolesence. A few years before he met me, he was engaged to another girl that he dated for four years and she dumped him for another guy when she was in Japan. And on top of that, living in New York is expensive and stressful, not being able to do music full time was too much for him... Maybe it's best for him to have time to figure out his issues...including working through his pain and depression. Otherwise he's just offering his unhappy self to you. That would be a bummer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Maybe it's best for him to have time to figure out his issues...including working through his pain and depression. Otherwise he's just offering his unhappy self to you. That would be a bummer. I understand that and that's why I'm being as supportive as I can now. I'm giving him all the space and time as he needs even though it hurts me every awake moment. When I first met his parents they were so happy cause they thought my positivity made him so much happier than he'd ever been. But I guess i've failed in the last two years... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 When I first met his parents they were so happy cause they thought my positivity made him so much happier than he'd ever been. But I guess i've failed in the last two years... That way lies madness. Or at least frustration and disappointment. Of course you failed; a person can't rely on another for his or her happiness, we're all responsible for our own. I sincerely hope that he gets help and overcomes his issues and that you two get back together. But the responsibility and onus for your husband's recovery is on him, and only on him. Be as supportive as you can, but don't make that responsibility yours. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 That way lies madness. Or at least frustration and disappointment. Of course you failed; a person can't rely on another for his or her happiness, we're all responsible for our own. I sincerely hope that he gets help and overcomes his issues and that you two get back together. But the responsibility and onus for your husband's recovery is on him, and only on him. Be as supportive as you can, but don't make that responsibility yours. Thanks GorillaTheater. A few weeks ago he told me that he was just a sad person but didn't know what to do about it and he didn't know what he'd do without me... I really hope he can work out his issues and would let me back in . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I understand that and that's why I'm being as supportive as I can now. I'm giving him all the space and time as he needs even though it hurts me every awake moment. When I first met his parents they were so happy cause they thought my positivity made him so much happier than he'd ever been. But I guess i've failed in the last two years... GT is right. You can't make yourself responsible for another's happiness, or their misery for that matter. So many breakups I have seen (here and elsewhere) are the result of one person thinking that a particular marriage/family/relationship is going to "cure" what is a lifelong problem: Their own unhappiness within themselves. It doesn't work. It may last for a year, maybe five or even ten, but eventually, it catches up with both partners. One partner decides they've had enough, either of being the only one who "tries" or simply being the one who is unhappy no matter what circumstances are. (My own breakup was a bit of a mangled version of this phenomenon). Bottom line: Work on what you can change about yourself that you think will make you a better partner and a better person. Let him do the same. Concentrate on your own happiness. Let him do the same. And see if life leads you back together again. I hope that it does. - KTB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Susan W Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Bottom line: Work on what you can change about yourself that you think will make you a better partner and a better person. Let him do the same. Concentrate on your own happiness. Let him do the same. And see if life leads you back together again. I hope that it does. - KTB I really hope so, too. As miserable as I feel right now. I'm forcing myself to eat and get up to go to work everyday. It's so painful that I can't even think about reading or doing yoga... But I really want it to work. I know the best I can do now is to give both of us time to work on ourselves. I know that's what he wants. And I have to respect that... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I really hope so, too. As miserable as I feel right now. I'm forcing myself to eat and get up to go to work everyday. It's so painful that I can't even think about reading or doing yoga... But I really want it to work. I know the best I can do now is to give both of us time to work on ourselves. I know that's what he wants. And I have to respect that... Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is, believe me. My advice is to try not to think about what may or may not happen with you and him, and put 100 percent of your focus on healing and being a better person. And put your faith where it belongs: In yourself and in the future, whatever it might be. Whatever it turns out to be is going to be better than where you are today. KTB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts